Many families wonder if counseling or case management is necessary in every adoption.
A common thought or question is
What if my birth mother seems emotionally solid and appears really committed to her adoption plan, does she really need counseling/case management?
Absolutely. In fact, in many cases these birth mothers need counseling/case management more than ones who seek it out. The reason is the shock of an unplanned pregnancy and the overload of emotions can make many birth mothers shut down emotionally. This can make them appear very committed to adoption and it appears as though their emotions are 100 percent under control. However, this typically is not the case.
Unless every birth mother works with a qualified counselor/social worker, what happens is at some point these suppressed emotions can burst through, resulting in an overturned adoption, the birth mother changing her mind or a birth mother regretting or seeing her adoption as a negative action further down the road.
On the other hand, by working through the various emotions with a qualified adoption counselor, the birth mother can understand what she is feeling and how to work through those emotions. She also is given a support system to rely on to help her deal with any negative outside influences that she may not be able to cope with on her own. She has someone who will prepare her for emotions she will feel during different stages of the process.
Obviously, counseling and case management does not mean every birth mother will choose adoption and not all birth mothers will choose to open up to a counselor/case worker. However, making the adoption process easier for the birth mother results in an easier process for the adoptive family – one in which they can rest assured that the birth mother is committed to adoption, is supported in her decision and is fully prepared for the wide range of emotions she could encounter during and after the adoption process.
Without an experienced guide, most birth mothers will be lost in a sea of emotions where they will end up is any one’s guess.
Why is counseling important?
In adoption, most people think counseling is only needed if the birth mother is struggling with her decision or is emotionally unstable. People think that adoption counseling is not needed for every birth mother and the ones who may need it, only need one or two sessions. They couldn’t be more wrong. Adoption counseling is support, education, preparation and guidance.
It is helping her:
- Fully understand the entire adoption process from the beginning to after placement occurs.
- Prepare for the emotions most birth mothers experience during the adoption process, including the grief and loss process and the ups and downs most birth mothers experience.
- Realize that adoption is about what is best for her child, even though emotionally it is a hard choice.
- Evaluate if adoption is the best decision and support her and her throughout the process.
- Discuss adoption with friends and family members who are against adoption and may try to persuade her to parent.
- Overcome worries that her child will be loved as much as a biological child.
- Understand how adoptive families are properly screened and evaluated so she can trust the family she picks is a good family.
- Help her select a family that she will feel great about. If done properly, this is not a quick process. Did you rush in choosing your spouse?
- Look at parenting objectively rather than hoping for unlikely miracles.
- Overcome the guilt she felt from family members who said that if she chooses adoption, it means she doesn’t love her baby.
Some adoption professionals (such as adoption lawyers, law centers, facilitators and small agencies) consider adoption counseling as something that can simply be offered to their birth mothers, but not required. However, counseling and birth parent support should be a large part of every adoption. Any client who chooses to work with an adoption professional who does not make counseling and case management common place for most adoptions will result in more risk for you. The end result is these adoption professionals often experience higher disruptions and overturned adoptions due to their approach to counseling.
It is important to realize though that not every birth mother is open to counseling/casemanagement and some birth mothers don’t contact the professional until after the baby is born. However, it is important to choose an organization that has qualified and experienced adoption counselors who can provide the support necessary.