What and when do we tell people about our adoption plan?
The answer depends on what you and your spouse are comfortable with. Some families may have already told friends, neighbors and extended family members about the adoption, while others may have chosen to keep it just between themselves and a few select people. You also don’t have to tell anyone at all about your plan until you are matched, or are preparing to bring home your baby.
If you do decide to speak with people about your adoption plan, also remember that you do not need to share any details that you aren’t comfortable with. Likewise, if you tire of people asking you “have you heard anything?” you can simply tell them that you’ll let them know the moment you hear of anything.
What to tell siblings
If you already have children in the house, you are likely pondering the best approach when you tell them the news about their new brother or sister. It is a great opportunity to talk to your child about how families are created and the many different ways that families can be formed. If your child is adopted, it can create a safe environment to talk with them about their own adoption story and how special they are.
How you approach this topic and how much you share is very dependant on your child’s age and their developmental level. For example, if your child is 2-years-old, it may only be necessary to prepare them for the fact that there will be another baby in the house, and save any explanation of adoption until you feel they are developmentally ready to understand it.
When you are matched with an expectant mother, it may not be wise to tell your child about the match or the specifics of when the baby is due. This is because if for any reason the match disrupts, your child will likely have a difficult time understanding why and it may bring up many other questions and emotions. You also may not wish to tell friends, neighbors and other family members about the potential match for the same reasons.
Finally, it is important that each of your children have their own birth/adoption story with special meaning. You can express that their stories are different, but neither is less or more special. Whether both of your children are adopted, or one is biological and the other is adopted, find a way to make both of their stories special and unique because they will be completely different.
Preparing the nursery and baby showers
It is a normal reaction when you begin an adoption plan to want to immediately prepare a nursery, or to have friends offer to host a baby shower for you. While this is understandably an exciting, joyous time for you, you may want to instead plan on putting the finishing touches on the nursery and having a baby shower until after you bring the baby home.
Having a perfectly completed nursery or celebrating at a baby shower may actually make the wait harder for you. Having a room full of baby gifts or a completed nursery down the hall may make the wait seem as if it inching by. Likewise, if you were to experience a failed match with an expectant mother, having a room full of baby gifts may make it harder for you to move past that match and on with your adoption plan. There will be plenty of time once you bring the baby home to put those special touches on the nursery and to celebrate with a baby shower. Also, by waiting until after you bring the baby home, you will be able to make those special touches that complement your new baby’s own unique personality.
How to deal with negative comments/reactions
Unfortunately, you may also encounter people that may react negatively when you tell them about your adoption plan. They may question why the “real” mother is “giving up” her baby. This can be an opportunity to educate them about modern adoption and gives you the chance to point out that such negative language can be very hurtful to both adoptive parents and birth parents. Many times you find that people do not intend for such comments to be hurtful or insulting, they simply didn’t realize that what they were saying had such a negative connotation.
This is an exciting time in your adoption journey, and whether or not you decide to share that excitement with family and friends, or keep it close to just you and your spouse for a little longer, that is completely your choice – this special journey is yours to cherish anyway you choose.