Let’s talk about my son’s birth father.
I was six months sober when I met this man who was 10 years older than me. I thought he was incredible. My young hormones clouded my judgement, and before I knew it, I was in a very unhealthy relationship with a very unhealthy person. I broke up with him, and found out one week later that I was pregnant. Of course, I went back to him, only to be disappointed much more expediently the second time around. I can tell you that I loved him, and I loved him even more when I knew I was carrying his child. I can also tell you that I hated him, and I hated him even more when I found out he got me pregnant.
Lack of Support
My son’s birth father has never met my son. He went to one doctor’s appointment with me while I was pregnant, and that was the only time he was involved in my pregnancy. After my son was born, and during the six months that I was a mother, I never allowed for him to be in my life or my son’s life, as he had proven to have some serious emotional issues to sort out.
Here We Go…
My son is now asking questions about his biological father. His parents have a picture that they have shown him, and told my son what his birth father’s name is. However, that is the extent of the information that my son has, and honestly the extent that the adoptive parents know. My son’s parents know that my son’s biological father was a poor influence on me and that little boy. They have never spoken with the birth father, nor have they wanted to.
Keeping Tabs on Him
For the past seven years, I have texted the birth father once per year just to make sure that he is still alive and that I know how to get ahold of him. About three years ago, I received an apology and an amends from the man whom I used to love. He felt great remorse over the choices he made, and insisted that he has changed.
Fast forward to the present: My son is asking questions about his birth father. It’s one thing to help my child learn about where he came from, but it’s another story to face the fears and trauma I’ve been through regarding that same person. I am in a conversation in my head, torn between this man being someone I used to love, and the same man being my son’s birth father. I must keep stability in my life and my son’s life as much as I am able to as a birth mother, but I also must face old traumas.
Relationships Take Time to Build
I have been in communication with my son’s birth father lately. We have had a few conversations. He has learned enough about my son to give him a picture that he is happy, healthy and well taken care of. I sent him a picture as well. At this point, conversations are going well. It will take time before I will be comfortable with the birth father speaking with the adoptive parents, and that is alright. It’s more important to navigate this relationship wisely rather than diving in head first like I did seven years ago.
My Greatest Challenge
My greatest challenge in communicating with my son’s birth father is understanding how I feel about my son’s birth father. I haven’t walked a path of healing in this area yet. Realizing that I still have healing to do in a whole new area is not something that scares me, though. I know that I have come this far with healing, and since it’s a journey, I’ll be walking it for my whole life on this planet.
My Greatest Comfort
The greatest comfort I have in wading through these emotions is leaning on my faith. I believe that God is walking next to me on my path, and that he will never leave my side. Not everyone who reads this will believe in God, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have faith. Use your own spiritual principles to navigate feelings regarding a birth father.
The other resource I have that is greatly helping me is my support network. Between friends, family and therapy, I have a lot of people in my corner. I can talk to my loved ones and support system about how I’m feeling and what I’m going through. They will listen and give advice when I need it.
While I don’t frequently talk with my son’s parents, I know they care about me as well. They completely and fully support me in my conversations with the birth father. They trust my judgement, and know I would only give information if I was completely comfortable with it. Knowing that I am in their hearts brings me much joy. After all, I love them with all my heart and respect them for the parents that they were, are, and will be.
If you find yourself dealing with confusing emotions regarding a birth father, get some support. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed at times, and even be confused. It’s just important to remember to ask for help and support when you need it. As you navigate the open waters of an open adoption, listen to your faith, trust your child’s adoptive parents, and make sure you take care of yourself as well.
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.