To say that there are hills and valleys during the adoption process may seem obvious to some, but unless you’ve lived through it all, the mountains don’t look quite so high or the valleys so low. Knowing secondhand how adoption works will give you a glimpse of the journey. However, if you have never trekked up Mt. Everest, those secondhand details can never do it justice — but it’s in the details that you are more prepared to roam into the great unknown. Allow these highs and lows to better ready you as you experience adoption firsthand.
If you haven’t already signed your life away, you’ll soon learn that the mountains of paperwork don’t leave you on a high. I can remember the late nights my husband and I would spend at our dining room table answering every question and completing every application. But it didn’t end there. Then, there were several background checks and physical exams, reference letters and interviews. Home studies rounded out the red tape that we had to get through in order to just be considered for the adoption process. It sure doesn’t feel so high when you’re standing at the base of all the stacks of paperwork to be done!
Once you have progressed past the red tape, there’s a gray area. It’s not black or white because you cannot control this step. You’re waiting. You have been approved and will journey on through the stagnant waters of the wait. You may receive some prospective birth mother situations and present your profile. You could not hear anything for a month or two. A day will feel like a year at times when you don’t take any steps forward in the process. And the valley in the gray area may make you feel helpless and out of control.
The outfield wall at Fenway Park is known as the Green Monster for baseball players attempting to conquer its magnificent height. However, the green monster in adoption refers to money. The stress and worry from money that can hinder your joy in adoption is real. Sometimes the fees seem insurmountable. Through fundraisers and pinching pennies, it may seem easier to hit a homerun in Fenway Park than to reach your goal for an adoption.
On the rare occasion that an adoption experiences interference, you may be left feeling black and blue. Though no physical harm has been done, a failed adoption or rejection requires some healing as you pick yourself back up and keep going.
In traffic, flashing yellow lights mean you are able to proceed with care. In adoption, proceeding with care means you have conquered the red tape and are able to start presenting profiles to expectant mommas. Your spirits are lifted after feeling bogged down from all the requirements, and you begin to see a glimmer of light as you make your way up the mountain.
The phone call that leaves you breathless and jump-starts your heart rate will overshadow the gray area every time. Will the announcement be pink or blue? The call you have been waiting for to proclaim that a prospective birth mother has chosen your family trumps the days, weeks, and months of waiting.
When I think of the happy ending of adoption, my mind sees the white halls of the hospital that shroud your peripheral vision as you make your way to the nursery. Those white halls will be forever stamped into your memory as the last leg of your journey. Like the white cap at the top of a mountain, you will have reached the top.
What is sweeter than being matched with a potential birth mother or holding your new baby for the first time? Sharing the sweet story of your adoption with others. Whether you use your experience to offer support to another family on the road to adoption, or you leave your footprints on the hearts of those around you about the overwhelming joy and inspiring hope of adoption, take the time to pass it on. Always remember that the highs surpass the lows. There will be days when you feel you can’t see the summit. On those days when the anticipation overcomes you, keep your eyes on the mountain top.
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Jill is a 32-year-old wife and mom. She has been married to her husband, Brannon, for eight years and has 5-year-old and 1-year-old daughters. Jill and her husband are currently in the adoption process to bring another baby into their home. Jill lives in a small community in Kentucky. She has her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and Spanish and obtained her Master’s degree in Christian Ministries. Jill’s passions are her faith, her family, writing, playing sports, and eating good food.
Almost 20 years ago, researchers John Donohue and Steven Levitt published a study that changed many people’s views of abortion in the United States. This summer, they’re back with a follow-up study that reaffirms their original findings — that legalized abortion has a direct effect on reducing crime in the United States. Of course, back in 2000, their report sparked controversy — from both sides of the abortion argument. While we won’t take a stance on the ethical implications of terminating a pregnancy, in the interest of providing the best information for our birth parent audience, we’ve decided to look a little further into what this study means — and how the adoption community can learn from it.
Prior to the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision legalizing abortion throughout the United States, abortion was an unavailable unplanned pregnancy option for many women. Therefore, it’s reasonable to assume that those women who could not obtain an abortion illegally were forced to carry their pregnancies to term and deliver their babies. The low rate of adoption — only 9 percent of premarital births resulted in adoption at the time — lead the researchers to conclude that many of these women parented their children, even if they were not fully prepared to do so. When Levitt and Donohue began to examine the dramatic fall of crime in the early 1990s, they realized something: Crime rates began dropping about 15 to 20 years after Roe v. Wade, at the time when those children born after 1973 would be reaching adulthood. They theorized that the two were related — that the legalization of abortion was the cause for as much as 50 percent in the drop of crime in the resulting decades. How did they come to this conclusion?
Parenting a child of an unwanted pregnancy, Levitt and Donohue concluded, was more likely to result in less-than-ideal childhood conditions — a huge factor in the probability of future criminal activity. When abortion was made legal to all Americans, the resulting drop in unwanted pregnancies carried to term led to a decrease in crime 15 to 20 years later. When the researchers repeated the study for the years 1997 through 2014, they found the same results.
While Levitt and Donohue’s study refers to those unwanted pregnancies, we want to take a second to emphasize that no child is truly “unwanted.” Almost half of the pregnancies each year in the United States are unplanned, but not all of them are unwanted. Many parents choose to carry those pregnancies to term and raise the resulting children. However, there is always a subset of people who make that decision when they are not truly prepared to parent. Perhaps they have children already, or they’re not in a stable financial or emotional place to raise a child. A pregnant woman may maintain feelings of resent toward the child she carries — but, even if she did not plan on becoming pregnant or does not want to keep the child, that child is not “unwanted.” There are thousands of hopeful parents across the U.S. just waiting for the chance to adopt a child from a situation like this. Private infant adoption is a beautiful thing; it connects a pregnant mother unable or unwilling to raise her child with a family who is more than willing to do so. And, while we always respect a woman’s right to choose abortion, there are certain circumstances where this is not always possible. In those circumstances, it’s often better for a woman to choose adoption than feel forced to parent a child she’s unable to — relating back to Levitt and Donohue’s theory of “unwantedness.” Regardless of its validity as a theory, Levitt and Donohue’s studies tell us something that we in the adoption world already know: When a parent is not 100 percent willing or ready to parent a child, the child suffers. It makes sense that child may turn to dangerous or criminal activities in the future, due the psychological trauma of growing up in an ill-prepared home environment with a mother or father who cannot give them what they deserve. That’s why adoption professionals are always ready to help parents facing an unplanned pregnancy find the right solution for them. Whether that’s abortion, parenting, or placing a child for adoption, it is a decision that can only be made after all parties evaluate their current situation — and what they want in the future. If you or someone you know is considering adoption as a result of an unplanned pregnancy, please contact an adoption professional today for more information.
Whether or not Levitt and Donohue’s theory holds up in the decades to come is unknown, but there’s one thing we can conclude from their research — more needs to be done to support women and men who find themselves facing an unexpected pregnancy. With the high rate of unintended pregnancies in the U.S., odds are you know someone who has experienced this situation, whether or not they chose to share that detail with others. Those facing unplanned pregnancies come face-to-face with a variety of conflicting messages about their unplanned pregnancy options, which is less-than-helpful for the important decision they’re trying to make. It’s up to all of us to help spread awareness about unplanned pregnancies and the options available to women. When expectant parents can choose each of these options without worry of financial, practical or emotional burden, the resulting situation will be much better for all involved, especially if a living child is the result. Here’s how you can help those facing unplanned pregnancies:
Of the 45 percent of pregnancies that are unplanned each year, 27 percent were “wanted later.” At the time of the pregnancy, expectant parents may have been financially or practically unprepared to bring a child into their family. While they did want a child eventually, the timing wasn’t quite right. One of the best ways to make parenting more accessible for American mothers and fathers is to make it more affordable. It starts at the very beginning, with maternity and paternity parental leave policies. When a new parent must leave work for a few months to care for their new child — and receive no pay during that time — they often struggle financially. If they don’t have the savings in place for this unexpected pregnancy, parenting can seem impossible. While there are many aspects that can make parenting more accessible — more affordable childcare, federal aid for low-income families, and more — maternity and paternity leave policies are something that everyday citizens can advocate for. Whether or not you plan on having children yourself, talk to your employer about the benefits of expanding these policies for the support new parents need.
It’s no secret that Roe v. Wade has been under attack from many state legislatures. But, as Levitt and Donohue’s research shows us, restricting abortion does not create a world in which every child is born to a happy and healthy home. In fact, the effects of illegal abortion can be felt by those who aren’t even involved in an unplanned pregnancy. To protect expectant parents’ right to choose what is best for them, abortion should continue to be an accessible, legal option. This way, those who are unprepared for the responsibility of a healthy pregnancy and raising a well-loved child can safely follow the path they want. Whether a woman addicted to drugs chooses abortion to avoid giving birth to a child with disabilities, or a couple chooses abortion together because they can’t afford the medical bills of pregnancy, they can make the choice to avoid bringing any long-term feelings of resentment and anger into their lives.
One of the best ways to avoid having a child raised by those who don’t want to be parents? Choosing adoption as an unplanned pregnancy option — and placing a child with parents who are 100 percent devoted to giving the love and opportunities that child deserves. However, adoption is still a fairly misunderstood process, if it is even considered at all during an unplanned pregnancy. Many expectant parents never consider adoption, thinking it to be “giving away” their baby or a reflection of their failings as a parent. It’s our responsibility — and yours, too, reader — to help them understand what adoption is really like and what a beautiful solution it can be. Spreading awareness starts with something as simple as sharing accurate adoption information and stories with your loved ones. Just keeping adoption in the forefront of people’s minds can be helpful in the case that an unplanned pregnancy does occur. And, in case attacks on legalized abortions are eventually successful, adoption will become more important than ever. It will always be available for expectant parents — and placing a child with parents who truly want to raise a child is always a better alternative than biological parents raising a child they didn’t initially want to carry to term or to raise themselves. Remember, adoption is always an option — and it’s a positive experience for birth parents, adoptive parents and the child at the center of it all. Considering adoption? Contact an adoption professional for free today.
It is no secret that adoption follows the ups and downs of an emotional roller coaster. Whether you have endured an adoption wait, are currently forging ahead during the long days of the wait, or just find yourself drawn to learn more about the adoption process, you will know that no shortage of passionate reactions will be found. For the past two years, my husband and I have experienced these emotions and many more as we anticipate the arrival of a new addition to our family. We have seen many good days and some difficult feelings on our journey. The first step to persevering through the wait, though, is a better understanding of what you’ll be feeling.
The feeling of excitement will be one that clings to hope. There’s not much like the excitement you feel as you hold the approved home study in your hand knowing the journey has just begun. Your excitement can wane on days when you deal with an opposing emotion, but it will be the foundation for the hopeful days to come.
There will be restless days when waiting for the unknown seems stressful and intimidating. Questions will fill your mind, making your nerves uneasy when your worry only focuses on what could go wrong or how many days have passed. What’s important about these feelings is to re-focus on the hope and find encouragement from your loved ones.
In a time when rejection may seem like the new normal, you will have days where another “no” results in strong feelings of frustration toward this process. Rejection is not an emotion we would ever wish for ourselves, but in adoption, we must put ourselves out there and be vulnerable enough to endure some frustration before we reach the end. Coming to this mindset that we can endure some frustration because it will ultimately lead us to more excitement will make the waiting easier.
My husband and I deal with this emotion almost every time we receive a new potential birth mother situation. Whether we choose to present our profile to this mother or not, we have received enough information about her and her life to allow us an intimate view of who she is. Our sadness comes as we read and try to put ourselves in any situation she might find herself in which led to her decision of adoption. Our hearts ache for her decision. The sadness we feel in reading the exposition of her life only leads us to pray for each prospective birth mother, whether she will be reading our profile or not.
Shock is an emotion that we have felt a few times during our adoption wait, and it has not always been while reading details of an adoption situation. Shock has come in the amount of paperwork to be completed, the questions we were asked during our home study, learning the amount of money we would need to finalize our adoption, the generosity of friends and family when fundraising, and the lack of education about adoption in our community. Shock has come because we never know what to expect, but it requires an action from us to be more prepared for the next shocking discovery.
Failed adoption. Rejection. Your heart can break before it feels complete.
If you have just started the adoption process, you can have fears of your profile being rejected, of being matched with a prospective birth mother and then experiencing a failed adoption, of not being able to come up with the funds for your adoption, or a host of other things. Fear can be crippling and strip you of the hope you need when waiting in adoption. Talking to someone who has journeyed through adoption can ease some fears and smooth the path ahead.
The picture of this in my mind is a child sitting on the edge of their seat, legs shaking in impatience, waiting their turn for their favorite game. Being eager is good when seeking the happy ending, but sometimes I am so eager to get to the end that I neglect to enjoy the process and learn along the way.
During our adoption wait, we have been able to channel all our feelings into hopefully inspiring others to consider adoption. We have shared our story with friends, colleagues, church groups, and strangers. Our hope is that others see God’s faithfulness in our messiness and even in the mystery of waiting that we have hope.
Picturing our family with a new addition through adoption always conveys overwhelming joy. Knowing the baby will one day be in our arms keeps us encouraged and comforts a sometimes weary heart during our wait. At the end of the day, I try to always get back to this feeling, no matter what type of emotion I faced initially. The joy of adoption will overshadow the other details even on a long awaited journey. If at any time during your adoption wait you feel exhausted by any emotion, find someone who will be there to remind you of the overwhelming joy. Even on the hard days, keep your eyes focused, looking forward for what is to come.
Does time really heal all wounds? What about the grief that comes with the decision to place a baby for adoption? Adoption may be a gift from a mother to a child, but there is still a great loss that occurs. Can we grieve the loss of our role as sole mothers and find satisfaction in our adoption decision, despite the grief? Grief is a normal experience for a woman after she has decided to place her baby up for adoption. However, just because grief is present does not necessarily mean that regret is present, too. A birth mother’s level of satisfaction with her adoption decision can change over time. Some women remain satisfied with their choice for their entire life, some never, and most ebb and flow through a varied degree of satisfaction. What determines how much time it takes to heal from an adoption? What are the factors that go into determining such a measurement of time and satisfaction? These questions are important for all women touched by adoption, for they allow a conversation about healing post-placement. It is important birth mothers in this nation have the support that they need to heal, and that comes by educating ourselves on how we can support that healing process. Of course, this means we first need to understand birth mothers better.
Recently, Families In Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services published an article: “The Relationship Between Time and Birth Mother Satisfaction With Relinquishment.” This article explores how birth mothers make their choices for adoption and the experiences they have as a result. The study included 223 birth mothers who had placed their children for adoption within the past 25 years. Researchers asked these birth mothers: “How satisfied are you with your decision to relinquish your child for adoption?” Here is what the study found: Six factors in a birth mother’s life stood out in terms of her feelings toward her adoption decision:
As we look at these results, there’s one thing to keep in mind: “The experiences reported by participants were varied and represent a broad spectrum of views about adoption.”
There is no black or white answer for this question concluded by the survey — because there is no simple answer for how any woman will feel at any given point after choosing adoption. There are too many life factors that come into play. With so many factors playing into birth mother satisfaction over a certain period, more research must be conducted to determine concrete results. However, the implications of this study go to prove that our country is not doing nearly enough to support birth mothers long-term. The truth is, no matter how much research I do, I can’t count on time alone to heal my wounds. There is self-effort, focus and determination involved to walk a path of healing. Of course, everyone is different, and everyone heals differently. Accept where you are on your healing journey, be kind to yourself, and most importantly — remember that you are not alone! “When I stand before thee at the day’s end, thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing.” -Rabindranath Tagore -Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption eight years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
A federal appeals court has overruled challenges to the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA), upholding the constitutionality of the 1978 law. ICWA dictates that any child who has eligibility as a member of a federally recognized Native tribe cannot be adopted without first consulting the applicable tribe council. The law allows tribe leaders to object to the adoption placement outside of the tribe and find an appropriate guardian within the tribe, if available. It’s intended to preserve the political sovereignty of Native nations and protect a child’s connection to his or her Native culture, which adoption into a non-Native family can jeopardize. The law came under attack in the fall of 2018, when a child’s non-Native adoptive parents challenged ICWA on the basis of race. A federal judge ruled ICWA unconstitutional, and the U.S. Justice Department appealed the case. The 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans upheld the constitutionality of ICWA on August 9, reversing the lower court’s decision. The court’s opinion recognized that Congress has broad power to regulate Native American tribes and that the act’s definition of “Indian child” is political, not racial. “As Defendants explain, under some tribal membership laws, eligibility extends to children without Indian blood, such as the descendants of former slaves of tribes who became members after they were freed, or the descendants of adopted white persons,” Judge James L. Dennis wrote in the court opinion. “Accordingly, a child may fall under ICWA’s membership eligibility standard because his or her biological parent became a member of a tribe, despite not being racially Indian.” For more information on the Indian Child Welfare Act, please visit the National Indian Child Welfare Association.
No matter how old you are, it’s never too early to start thinking about and applying for scholarships that can help get you one step closer to your dream school. Adopted students, and students with a background in foster care, have plenty of chances to win scholarships to help further their educational goals. Here, we’ve compiled a list of possible scholarships for both types of students, as well as tips to know before you’re ready to send off your application.
While being an adoptee or having a background in foster care is one important part of the application, some scholarships have their own set of eligibility requirements that you’ll need to meet. Sometimes, this means having a certain grade point average, a few letters of recommendation, a statement of purpose and more. Some scholarships even require an interview. Scholarships are not one-size-fits-all, so remember to read the requirements for each award thoroughly before getting started. For more help, you can also reach out to your high school counselor, your school’s library or the financial aid office at your chosen college for more information on the requirements for any scholarships you’re interested in applying for.
Now that you know some important tips on how to be a scholarship winner, it’s time to start applying. Remember — the best way to not win any scholarships is to not apply, so remember to start early. Just to give you an idea of what to do next, here are a few of the possible scholarships that you can apply for today, along with some information on other programs for financial aid:
Although scholarships for adopted students are some of the best options when it comes to paying for education, some states also have specific programs in place to help support children adopted from foster care. Students can also take advantage of the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA). Don’t forget to check these out as well during your search, and don’t forget about early applications for these important programs!
I have been a birth mother for eight years in what I like to call a “fairy tale” open adoption. My fairy tale is far from perfect, but it belongs to me and I love it.
I was able to find my son’s adoptive parents through a local adoption agency and knew immediately that it was meant to be. This prospective adoptive couple had only been with the adoption agency for a few months, and I knew they were meant to raise my baby. I choose adoption for my baby because I knew he would have a better life with different parents. The best part of my fairy-tale open adoption is that my son has been receiving everything I could have ever imagined for him and more. My adoption decision gave my son a better life with better opportunities and more love than many children ever get to experience.
My son’s adoptive mother and I had a conversation about the fact that our 8-year-old was starting to ask questions about who his extended birth family was. My son’s mom and I decided that we would have a birth family reunion in order to satisfy some of his questions. I was so excited to be able to make a birth family photo album for him, as well! So, the decision was made… then the fear began to set in. I want to be transparent: Navigating through an open adoption has not always been what you might consider a “fairy tale.” There have been months with no contact, missed celebrations and holidays, and bi-annual visits. However, there have been many more joyous occasions than not; many more cherished memories than a lack of them; and moments sublime with intervals short. There are also some complicated dynamics within my immediate family that become more difficult when my son is added to the mix.
You see, no one in my immediate family supported my decision for adoption. I was legal mother for the first six months of my son’s life, and there were certain ideas that my family had about the adoption decision I was making. I lost many family members because of my adoption decision. I have worked very hard to mend those relationships. I have spent hours in tears, bawling to God for relief from the pain of abandonment from my family. I have gone to visit my son many times alone, wishing I had someone to ride with me for support. I have also spent years trying to reestablish healthy relationships with my family members. I am relieved to testify that things have gotten better. The relationships that I have with my family today are based on healthy boundaries that I have put effort into setting with them. However, I have always felt nervous at the idea of my son coming to meet them all again in a group setting. Imagine — knowing all this convoluted drama that has ensued with my family, even considering a birth family reunion.
Here’s the thing about children — our own children, that is: The mother in me will do anything and everything within my power to protect my son. I will always choose my child first, no matter what the cost is to me. That has been my mentality as a birth mother from day one, and it continues to be my mentality today. You see, I knew what I was doing when I chose adoption for my baby. I also knew that losing my family could be bearable if it meant my son was living a healthy and happy life. I intentionally have put my familial relationships back in place so that this day could come — the day that my son would want to meet his birth family. Obviously, time has flown by way too fast! Is it really time for my son to meet his birth family? Some of my family has never even met my son… but here I am — a mother.
Planning a birth family reunion can be something a birth mother may be anxious or confident about. Whatever your stance is on your birth family reunion, I have a couple tips for the planning:
The best piece of advice that I can offer you is some wise advice that a man who once resented me for choosing adoption said: “Stop hosting your party, and go enjoy time with your son. You rarely get to see him, and today will be over before you know it.” If you knew what this man and I had been through, you would be sobbing in love like I wanted to. My dad abandoned me for choosing adoption. Now, he’s encouraging me to spend time with my son.
Miracles are real, and a birth family reunion brought a few miracles to my life. Not only did I have the chance to spend some quality time with my son, but I finally received my father’s blessing. Funny how fear works: I was terrified that a birth family reunion would drive a wedge into some of my familial relationships again, but it didn’t. It did the opposite. Thanks, Dad. Now you — yes, you — go enjoy being a birth mother and remember: Life is what you make of it. -Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption eight years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Every August marks the beginning of World Breastfeeding Week, a movement to raise awareness, offer support and encourage protections for women choosing to breastfeed. This year, we’d like to share some facts about breastfeeding for adoptive moms who may be considering this as a way to bond with their newborn baby and for prospective birth moms who may be on the fence about breastfeeding after giving birth. Keep reading for more facts about breastfeeding in adoption.
For an adoptive mom, breastfeeding is a special opportunity to bond with your baby. Although there are some challenges, it can be done, and many women are encouraged to try it. Here are just a few facts that adoptive moms should know about breastfeeding their baby after placement.
Not only is breastfeeding still possible even if you’ve adopted your child, but it’s become of the most popular ways for new adoptive moms to bond with their babies. All it requires is some prior planning and some help from your doctor. The amount of milk that you’re able to produce depends on a number of factors, and you will likely need to supplement your own breastmilk with either formula or donated breastmilk. Remember not to get discouraged if the experience doesn’t go as you initially hoped.
Your newborn’s health and wellbeing will benefit tremendously from breastfeeding. Nursing also means skin‐to‐skin contact, along with other nutritional and psychological benefits. When you nurse your baby, it gives the two of you an opportunity to develop an even closer connection.
For an adoptive mother unable to give birth to a child, breastfeeding can be a healing, rewarding experience. The feeling of bonding with your child and the closeness you will experience is irreplaceable. While it may not be the best or most convenient option for some adoptive moms, it’s still a great option to consider.
Some women considering adoption want to have the chance to bond with their child before placement, while others believe that it will make placing a child for adoption harder emotionally. Whether or not you choose to breastfeed your baby prior to placement is completely up to you. Don’t forget to talk to your adoption professional about all of your options; they can provide more information about breastfeeding as a prospective birth mother if you’re on the fence. If you are strongly considering breastfeeding your baby at the hospital, here are a few benefits that you should know about:
Your breastmilk has everything your baby needs to grow up healthy and strong. Your first breastmilk is called colostrum, and many people have given it the nickname of “liquid gold” because it gives the right amount of nourishment to get your baby off to a good start. Even in a short amount of time, breastfeeding prior to placement also teaches your infant how to latch properly, making it even easier for your child’s adoptive mother to breastfeed, should she choose to. For women who choose to breastfeed prior to placement, it becomes a rewarding experience to treasure.
Breastfeeding releases the “love hormone” oxytocin, so nursing your baby for even a little bit can help the two of you feel closer before placement. It may be difficult, emotionally, to breastfeed your baby when you’re placing for them adoption, but if possible, it’s just one more benefit for your baby and one more memory you will have together. You should have no regrets about the time you spend with your baby while you’re still together, so if you’re wavering between whether or not to breastfeed, don’t be afraid to reach out to your adoption specialist for more information about what it’s like to breastfeed while you’re in the hospital.
Breastfeeding isn’t just good for your baby; it can be great for you, too. Another function of oxytocin is that it has plenty of long‐term benefits. These benefits include decreased risk of breast cancer and ovarian cancers. Not only that, but this hormone also helps reduce the size of the uterus after the birth of your baby. Studies have also shown that breastfeeding can lead to a faster return to pre‐pregnancy weight.
There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to breastfeeding your baby. Whether you’re an adoptive mom who wants to experience the joy of bonding with your baby this way, or a woman considering breastfeeding before she places her baby for adoption, the decision is entirely up to you. Remember to talk to your doctor and your adoption specialist about how breastfeeding can impact your adoption.
As a birth mother, I struggle with feelings of shame over my decision to choose adoption for my son. Even though I have no regrets, I still feel shame that I couldn’t handle raising a baby. When I chose adoption for my son eight years ago, I knew it was the best decision. However, it’s such a paradox — to be so proud of myself for the choice I made, yet still holding on to shame for doing so. When I decided that it wasn’t fair for me to keep my baby, I felt confident that more able adults would be able to offer him a better life. I was right, and I’m ever so grateful for the adults who call him “son.” The question I ask myself now is, “Why do I feel shame as a woman who placed her baby for adoption?”
It is written all over history, religion, and even our modern culture: Woman have babies, raise them and care for them. It has been ingrained in me, at least, that women have babies. Of course, the reason that we so readily embrace this “ideal” is because of how we are naturally made. It is perfectly normal for any woman to desire children of her own blood to take care of. Of course, there are also many women who feel that having a child is not something they are biologically driven to do. There can be happiness on both ends of the spectrum. So, knowing that there is nothing wrong with not having children, where does birth mother shame come from? Growing up as a child, I never dreamed of being a mother, but that all changed when I learned of my unplanned pregnancy at the age of 20. I was still working toward my undergraduate degree and had very little support in my life that could help me raise a child on my own. However, I decided to keep my baby and raise him using all the resources I could get my hands on. After six months of being a mother, I choose adoption. In my mind, I had failed as a mother. That’s the fear: Adoption means failure. I believe that shame in choosing adoption comes from a fear that, somehow, birth mothers have “failed” at parenting. This is as far from the truth as is the sun from the moon, but our insecurities take our minds there anyway. The truth is that it took a lot of courage for me to stand up to my friends and family and tell them that I was going to gift my son a better life through different parents. It took guts to move forward in the adoption process, although it meant I was going to lose very precious lifelong relationships. It took strength to move forward when so many people were trying to pull me back and convince me to keep my baby. It took grit to look my family and friends in the eyes and tell them that my decision for adoption was mine and mine alone.
Fear is a funny thing. Fear makes us believe negative, self-condemning and critical lies about ourselves and our relationships. However, fear can also drive us to make the hard decisions, knowing that if we don’t follow through, catastrophe could follow. Fear can be healthy and keep us safe when we listen to our intuition about situations we may find ourselves in. Fear can also be unhealthy when it tells us we are worthless failures in the eyes of ourselves and others. Am I less of a woman for choosing adoption? No. Do I feel like less of a woman for choosing adoption? Sometimes.
If you are reading this and feeling shame about an adoption decision in your life, please allow me to offer two practices in self-love: First, feelings are not facts. Feelings come and go within us as they please, reacting to our every thought. It is not necessarily that we must control how we feel; it is more than we adjust our thoughts and our responses to them in our behaviors. One of the most helpful exercises I have partaken in is meditation. Meditation can be done on any thought, at any time, no matter what you are doing. Meditation is used in so many practices and in so many ways around the world that I couldn’t begin to cover it all here. So, here are a few links to meditation practices for beginners:
Second, self-care is crucial to every human, whether they are walking a path of healing or not. Exercise, healthy eating and hygiene are obvious components to self-care, but we also must remember to take care of our mental health, as well. I know how bad it feels to be distracted by the shame of choosing adoption. But, this is something that can be addressed by integrating affirmations into our lives. I love positive affirmations and how practicing them daily brings me more self-confidence. Here is an affirmation I wrote that you may use to begin healing the self-shame that can be brought on by choosing adoption. My name is , and I love myself. I love that I am beautiful inside and out. I love that I have courage and strength. I love that I am brave and determined. I love that I am a woman. I love that I gave my baby a better life. I love my child’s parents. I love myself. I am selfless. I am a selfless birth mother. I am a selfless birth mother who offered everything for my baby. Here are a few links to other affirmations:
There is no “one way” to heal. If you find a healthy healing practice that makes you happy, then go for it! If you find that you cannot achieve some level of peace on your own, please don’t be afraid to reach out for help. If you become too overwhelmed, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255 and ask for resources in your area. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption eight years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Openness in adoption is a relatively recent trend. For decades, the pervading school of thought was one of secrecy. It was generally believed that if a child was adopted as an infant, he or she would never know the difference, and telling that child would only serve to upset him or her. Furthermore, the attitude of secrecy was supposed to protect the identity of birth parents in an era when unplanned pregnancy and single parenthood was viewed as something to be ashamed of.
But a recent study has confirmed what adoption professionals have known for years: Secrecy in adoption causes long-term pain to adoptees.
Amanda Baden, a Montclair State University professor who has been studying adoption for 25 years, found that disclosing a child’s adoptee status after the age of 3 has been linked to negative life satisfaction and mental health in the future.
The theory of waiting to tell a child about his or her adoption at an age when he or she is “old enough to understand,” has been phasing out for years, but has now officially been debunked.
Baden’s research found that “those in the earliest age group of adoption discovery, birth to 2 years of age, reported both the least distress and the highest level of life satisfaction,” and that adult adoptees “who consciously recalled the revelation and their age at discovery (aged 3 and older) reported comparatively higher levels of distress that increased with later ages of discovery.”
So if you’re thinking about adopting an infant, you should be ready to start telling your child his or her adoption story from day one. It may feel silly to talk to a newborn about his or her birth parents and how your child came to be a part of your family, but by making a habit of speaking about adoption, your child’s adoption story will always be a normalized part of his or her life. By openly talking about adoption together, your child will hopefully feel more comfortable asking questions and talking about their own feelings regarding adoption one day.
If your child’s adoption story has painful details in it, like abuse, substance-usage, rape, or neglect, consider asking an adoption professional for advice on addressing these topics using age-appropriate language as your child grows. A person deserves to know their personal history, even the difficult parts of the story, no matter how much you’d like to protect your child.
This study reminds us of that there are many adult adoptees that, unfortunately, didn’t learn about their adoption until later in life. This kind of sudden revelation is often shocking, painful, and leaves people feeling lied to, hurt and betrayed.
These difficult emotions can hurt the relationships that are most important to you and damage your own sense of identity. It often takes the help of an experienced professional to work through this. An adoption-competent therapist can be helpful, and sometimes talking with other adoptees going through similar experiences can be comforting, too.
If you are struggling with complex emotions following a recent discovery of your adoptee status, remember that you’re not alone, and that it’s ok to ask for help as you process this.
The research recommends telling children about their adoption earlier than age 3. It also concluded that adoptees want more “communicative openness” and desire “contact with birth relatives and other adoptees.”
So the trend of increased openness in adoptions is a step in the right direction. Adoptees (even young children) are happiest in the long-term when they understand their adoption story, when they’re able to keep in touch with birth family members whenever possible and when they know other adoptees.
Unsure of how to tell your child about his or her adoption? Reach out to an adoption professional for guidance, and initiate the conversation as soon as possible.
