Pineapples and flamingos, laughter and tears, strangers and camaraderie — this is just a sample of what was found in the 2018 BirthMom Buds Annual Birth Mothers’ Retreat. Birth mothers from all walks of life and across the nation gathered to celebrate the one thing they all share: the fact that every woman had placed a child for adoption.
Whether a woman attends the retreat every year and knows all the familiar faces or she is a newcomer who is anxious about making friends, the welcome provided by this retreat is exhilarating. I should know; I was there.
As a birthmother who attended the retreat in 2018 for the first time, I found friendships that will last a lifetime and discovered truths about myself that I will cherish forever. As I waited for the retreat to begin, I reflected on my own loneliness in being a birth mother. As I left the weekend festivities, I was overwhelmed with the love I received from so many other birth mothers.
Of course, this weekend event would not have been possible without the hard work and dedication of the founders of BirthMom Buds. I would like to introduce you all to one of them: Coley Strickland, birth mother of 16 years. I recently spoke with this amazingly strong birth mother and newfound dear friend of mine to learn more about her organization and its mission:
Lindsay: What is BirthMom Buds?
Coley: BMB is a web-based, not-for-profit organization that provides support to pregnant women considering adoption as well as birth mothers who have placed children for adoption.
L: What does BMB do for birth mothers?
C: We provide support through many different programs. Our biggest event and program is our Annual Birth Mothers’ Retreat. Each year the weekend before Mother’s Day, birth mothers gather in Charlotte, North Carolina, for a weekend full of support and healing.
We also have a few live chapters.
You can find a list of the organization’s other programs here.
L: Why do you feel your work is important in terms of where society stands with adoption today?
C: Although adoption is coming a bit more to the forefront in terms of choices, it is still often presented as the last choice for pregnant women considering adoption, and many birth mothers still feel shunned. BMB provides birth mothers with support so that they can heal and helps empower them with the self-confidence to educate others about adoption and birth mothers.
L: What are the roots of BMB?
C: In September of 2001, I placed a sweet baby boy in an open adoption directly following his birth. Although I knew adoption was the right choice for myself at that time, I still struggled with the emotions of giving birth and going home empty-handed and broken-hearted while someone else was raising my baby.
Sleepless one night, I turned on my computer and began typing different adoption-related words into a search engine. I was desperately looking for someone to talk with who might understand my pain. I came across many websites for adoptive parents but few for birth parents. Finally, I stumbled across an “Is anyone out there post?” on an adoption forum written by another birth mother named Leilani. I replied, and we began chatting via email. Leilani’s daughter was born and placed in an open adoption just four days before my son, which just happened to be my birthday.
At first all we talked about was adoption — she understood what I was thinking before I could even get the words out of my mouth. Since our babies were the same age, we were experiencing many of the same emotions and feelings at the same time. As time went on, our friendship strengthened and became about so much more than adoption; she is now truly my best friend. As we watched our birth children grow from a distance, our emotional pain began to lessen. We still had bad days, and we had not forgotten our children. But we were trying to move forward. We both knew we were making it through that grief because we had each other to lean on. We did not want others to have to go through all the searching that we did in order to find a friend who understood.
Based on that principle, together in February of 2003, Leilani and I started BirthMom Buds. We wanted birth mothers to have a safe haven so they could find other birth mothers and discuss their feelings. BMB provides birth mothers with an outlet, a way to meet other birth mothers, a means to begin healing, and much more. Our members range from teens to women in their sixties who placed during the “baby scoop” era.
L: Why do you feel like BMB is an important organization?
C: Being a birth mom is not easy. It can often be a lonely, hard road, and support is so needed. BMB provides that support.
L: Have you ever regretted your adoption decision?
C: I know I made the best decision I could at that time in my life with the knowledge I had at that moment and time. That doesn’t mean I haven’t had “what if’s” over the years though.
L: I know other birth mothers ask “what-if?” questions, too. If you are comfortable sharing, what are some of yours?
C: They change from the different seasons of life, but I think the biggest, most constant ones have always been the following: What if I had parented him? How would his life be different? How would my life be different?
L: What has your healing journey after adoption looked like?
C: I initially tried therapy not long after placing my son for adoption as I was struggling with emotions, postpartum grief, and moving forward. I didn’t benefit much from therapy and thought maybe therapy just wasn’t for me, but after talking with other birth mothers, I’ve realized I just didn’t have the right therapist for me and my situation. But I have healed through helping other birth moms through BirthMom Buds, talking with other birth moms, and writing about adoption and birth mothers.
L: What type of post-placement relationship do you have with your child, and why did you choose that path?
C: We have always had an open adoption. I had no clue what open adoption was until I met my son’s adoptive mom and she told me about open adoption. She explained that she thought it was best for all involved and, once I learned why, I agreed as well.
L: What is the best adoption memory you have?
C: When my son was about 7 or 8, his sister was playing in a softball tournament near me. I picked him up that morning and along with my husband and parented son, we spent the entire day together. We just hung out at our house, went to the pumpkin patch, played at the park, ate ice cream, and so much more. It was such a special day and one that always lives on in my heart.
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No matter what your adoption journey looks like, you are not walking it alone. Women like Strickland and other birth mothers can be found in places that you may not expect. There are many people who walk in and out of our lives every day who have somehow been touched by adoption. If you are feeling alone on your adoption healing journey as a birth mother, consider coming to the Annual Birth Mothers’ Retreat in 2019, organized by BirthMom Buds.
Thank you, Coley, for giving us a greater insight into your life as a birth mother and for everything you do for birth mothers across the country!
-Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption seven years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
“Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses.” – Alphonse Karr
I experienced the scare of facing an unplanned pregnancy when I was in college and newly single. I was in no way prepared for the ride I was about to go on. It started with empty promises, continued on to parenthood for six months, led to feelings of betrayal and emotional pain, and ended with an amazing adoption experience. I chose adoption for my son when he was six months old. It was the greatest decision I’ve ever made, and the hardest decision I have ever made. When my son entered into this world, my life was forever changed for the good. My heart is larger. Forgiveness comes easier. My faith is stronger. The list goes on and on. I am forever grateful for the most amazing gift in my life: the gift of my son whom I chose to place up for adoption.
No matter how for along in a pregnancy a woman is, or regardless of how young her child is, adoption is an option for any expectant or current mother. Adoption is an option that brings with it amazing opportunities, but also feelings of grief. I went through quite the roller coaster ride when it came to becoming a mother and then choosing adoption. However, I wouldn’t trade my experience with anything in the world. I have experienced pain and heartbreak on a level that many may not even begin to comprehend. As a birth mother, I walk a path of healing to cope with loss, grief, and betrayal as the result of choosing adoption. Yet, it is because of all of these things that seem so negative that I have great joy!
I chose adoption because I knew it was the best decision for myself and my child. I knew that I wasn’t ready to be a parent, and six months of parenting proved that I wasn’t ready, but I still knew that I had the ability to give my child a different and better life. The way that I chose to give my child the life he deserves was by placing him for adoption. Due to all the pain that I have felt, I now experience the good on an explosive level. When I feel joy, it is a great joy. My life has gone from daily pain in the beginning of post-placement life to an incredibly fulfilling adventure. I have contact with my son in the form of mail, phone calls, and physical visits. I have a healthy relationship with the child who I placed for adoption and his parents as well. I have what I consider a “fairy tale” adoption story.
I have also grown to become a loving, dependable, and independent woman. I have a family today that I love deeply, which includes a husband, step children and a dog. I am living my dream of working on a career as a writer. I love my work, and it rarely feels like a job. I am blessed to spend my working hours writing about what I am passionate about as well: helping other women to walk a path of spiritual healing. It is a perk that I have found a topic that I can pour my heart and soul into: being a birth mother after making an adoption decision. For the most part, I love my life today.
None of my achievements would have been possible if it hadn’t been for my son. I was having a really hard time finding my path in life before I found out I was pregnant. I had just joined a 12-step program to help me work out some issues I was facing at the time, and had only been walking that path for six months. However, what I thought was the end of my world turned out to be the beginning of it. Without my son coming into my life, I have no idea if I would be on a happy and healthy path or not. There is no way for us to rewind the clocks and make our decisions differently, but there is a way to avoid feelings of regret.
I am a firm believer in being grateful for what you have and avoiding the experience of regret by utilizing healing tools. Being grateful for my child has been my state of being from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I knew this little life was going to change my life somehow, but I didn’t know what that would look like. I have always made the best decisions I can in my life. I have tried to be a good person, a strong woman, and a loving confidant. Every decision I have made has had good intentions behind it, regardless of the outcome. I did not make my adoption decision lightly. I did the best with what I could do at the time, and I know that now. It has taken time for me to process my feelings of loss and walk through my grief, but I can say that I have never regretted my adoption decision.
If you are a woman who is struggling to move forward in the healing process after choosing adoption, please remember this: Every step we take in another chance to change our lives. No matter what you have been through, how it has or hasn’t damaged you, or what decisions you have made, you can always begin to walk a path of healing at any point in your walk. One step at a time is how I got here, and one step at a time is how you will be able to make things better for yourself. My son is the greatest accomplishment in my life, the best thing that has ever entered my life, and the greatest gift God could have given me.
If you are a woman considering adoption, but afraid of how being a birth mother will cause you emotional pain, please be encouraged. There are more and more resources popping up to help birth mothers walk a path of healing. There are online forums, blogs and articles, support groups, counselors, etc. that you can utilize to help you process the negative emotions and truly enjoy the positive emotions. If you don’t know where to turn, start with an adoption agency. Give an adoption agency a call and tell them how you are feeling and that you are considering adoption. They should be able to connect you with the resources they have available through their organization.
If you don’t have a local agency you would like to use, please consider calling a national adoption agency like American Adoptions. They have many resources for birth mothers not only during the adoption decision and process, but for post-placement life as well. Adoption specialists are standing by 24/7 at 1-800-ADOPTION. Don’t hesitate to call. Your life can change for the better today. Be blessed and happy holidays!
~Lindsay Arielle
“Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. The more you express gratitude for what you have, the more likely you will have even more to express gratitude for.” —Zig Ziglar
Gratitude is an amazing and wondrous emotion. It can combat depression and negativity, and bring us experiences of joy and fulfillment. Gratitude also encourages us to act in happy and healthy ways that include helping others. I am grateful this holiday season for the couple who adopted my child. Not only do I love them dearly, but I also feel gratitude toward them for what they have done and are doing for myself and for my child. I will forever remain and grow in gratitude for my son’s parents.
Choosing an adoptive family is one of the most exciting parts of the adoption process. A prospective birth mother can find an adoptive family by utilizing the resources provided by an adoption agency. An adoption professional will work with a prospective birth mother on her adoption plan, which will include a description on what she is looking for in a potential adoptive family. After viewing these adoptive family profiles, a prospective birth mother will choose which prospective adoptive couple she would like to meet. If the meeting goes well, an expectant mother will spend time getting to know the adoptive family to determine if this is who she will desire to place her child with.
In my adoption situation, I was rushed to choose an adoptive family and place my son due to my personal circumstances. I had a very specific image in my mind of the life that I wanted my son to have with another family and wasn’t willing to compromise on certain aspects of that vision. I will never forget the adoptive family profile that I chose, and the smiles on my son’s now-parents’ faces. I will never forget meeting my son’s mother for the first time. The wonder of choosing an adoptive family is immense, and the final decision making of that choice was incredibly rewarding for me. I had found my son’s forever parents, and I was elated!
If you are a woman considering adoption and want to browse adoptive family profiles, check with your local adoption agency, or consider calling a national adoption agency. Many adoption agencies have online adoptive family profiles that can be viewed before committing to a specific adoption agency. The decision of choosing who will raise your child is just as important as the initial decision of adoption. Don’t settle for anything less than what you know in your heart is best for your child. Don’t let anyone tell you not to listen to your motherly instincts when it comes to this decision. Remember, you are making a lifelong decision for your child.
I will never forget the feeling I had when I knew in my heart and in my gut that the adoptive couple I chose was the right choice for myself and my child. I was crying and laughing with joy. I called a friend and exclaimed, “I’ve found them and they are perfect!” Of course, they are not perfect people, but they are perfect for my son and I. I pray that every prospective birth mother experiences the gratitude that I felt that day, and still feel today for my son’s parents.
While there have been bumps along the way, I am ever so grateful for the relationship that I have with my son’s parents. They love me dearly and I not only know it, but I feel it. They send me gifts to express that love, they tell me they love me, and they are genuine in their expressions of that love. I am so blessed to have my son’s parents in my life. They are truly amazing parents, and they are doing an amazing job raising my son. I cannot wait to see what else the future holds for our relationship!
If you are looking for an adoptive family and don’t know where to turn, feel free to contact an adoption professional today. Adoption specialists are standing by and would be honored to help any prospective birth mother find an adoptive family for her child. Choosing adoption is the greatest sacrifice of love, and it can also be incredible painful. However, I have a great sense of peace knowing that my son is where he was always meant to be: with his parents. There is nothing I could say that would begin to acknowledge the gratitude that I have for the couple who adopted my child.
This is the eleventh post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for the final installation.
“Sometimes we should express our gratitude for the small and simple things like the scent of the rain, the taste of your favorite food, or the sound of a loved one’s voice.” – Joseph B. Wirthlin
Someone once told me to look for the “little miracles” in my life. As I went through my day, I was to look for every opportunity to be grateful. At the time, I was in the beginning of my healing process after choosing adoption. I desperately needed to find things to be grateful for to combat the depression I was living in at the time. So, I followed their instruction and began finding more and more things I could be grateful for. One of the greatest “little miracles” I have ever experienced have been the bits of communication I have had with my son over the years. I chose an open adoption, in which I have contact with the child whom I placed for adoption. During this Christmas, I am incredibly grateful for the open adoption that I have with my son and his parents.
An open adoption is an option for any woman facing an unplanned pregnancy who is considering adoption. There are three types of adoption: open, semi-open, and closed adoptions. In a closed adoption, there is no communication between a birth mother and her child during his or her upbringing. In a semi-open adoption, there is a great level of privacy, as an adoption agency mediates all communication between a birth mother and her child that she placed for adoption. In an open adoption, a birth mother communicates directly with the adoptive parents and her child while he or she is growing up. An open adoption varies when it comes to the type and frequency of communication that she has with her child and his or her parents.
I knew when I began considering adoption that I would want an open adoption. In fact, that was a deal breaker for me. I had raised my son for six months, and I couldn’t even begin to imagine not having communication with him while he was growing up. The adoption agency that I chose to work with facilitated many successful open adoptions, and they were able to choose adoptive family profiles with families who were interested in a high level of communication with an open adoption. The adoptive family that I chose agreed that we would have frequent contact, as often as annual visits and bi-annual updates. We came up with a post-placement agreement that included the minimum communication requirements that we would have while my son was growing up; however, we have more communication than what was originally outlined in this agreement.
The reason that I am grateful for my open adoption is mostly for the sake of my son. My son is growing up knowing that he is adopted. His parents answer all of his questions he has about where he came from and who his birth parents are. He doesn’t ask a lot of questions, as far as I know, but the ones he does ask are being answered. My son’s adoptive parents are amazing at not only loving me, but allowing my son to love me as well. Over the past seven years of my open adoption, I have had the joy of watching my son grow up in a happy and healthy and loving environment. I enjoy immensely the communication that we have. I am able to speak with my son on most holidays. We have annual visits. I send gifts to my son and his parents, and they send me gifts as well. We are family.
The adoption triad includes birth parents, adoptive parents, and the child who was placed for adoption. Every adoption triad has different dynamics. Some open adoptions use pictures and letters for communication. Others include physical visits. Some hold phone calls. Every open adoption situation is different and beautiful in its own right. Navigating an open adoption has its ups and downs, as every relationship does. The downs may seem frustrating and emotional at times, but with a solid foundation of transparency and respect, the adoption triad can get through these times and come out with a stronger relationship dynamic. In the good times, I recommend just enjoying the ride and appreciating every moment of communication. Even though bad times will happen, every member of the adoption triad can embrace these times and know that they can come out of them stronger together if they so choose.
If you are a woman considering adoption, consider an open adoption. Not only will you find communication with your child joyful and fulfilling, you will also give your child the opportunity to have a happy and healthy birth parent experience in reference to their adoption. I am a firm believer that if we raise our children to believe adoption is normal, then they will grow up to embrace their past, instead of suffering from any potential trauma. If you are considering choosing an open adoption and have questions about what that might look like for you, please contact an adoption professional today. Be encouraged! While adoption is the hardest decision I have ever made, my open adoption is part of why it is the best decision I could have ever made.
This is the tenth post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
“No matter what our circumstances, we can find a reason to be thankful.” – Dr. David Jeremiah
I didn’t grow up with a faith in God. I was exposed to religion, but it took years into my adult life before I was able to embrace a belief in Him. I had a lot of childhood issues to overcome before I was able to even begin believing that there was a Higher Power who loved me. With my faith as small as a mustard seed to start, I walked out my journey with Him, and my belief grew into a real faith in Him. No matter what I go through, I will always have my faith. I had my faith when I made my adoption decision. I struggled a lot in my belief at that time, but nevertheless I was able to pull through and commence a journey of healing. No matter what it is that you believe in, you can always use your faith to walk you through during an adoption decision, the adoption process, and coping with life after placement.
Faith is not a complicated concept; however, as humans, we tend to find ways to complicate. I was taught that all I had to do was turn the door handle to a belief in a Higher Power, and that cracking that door would be enough to begin growing what would eventually turn into a faith in God. Not everyone believes what I believe. I am a born-again Christian. Regardless of whether you subscribe to the belief that Jesus died for our sins or not, you still have values that you hold true to in life. It is in those values that we can find a faith to guide us on our life path and carry us through the hard times. It is even possible, through faith, to embrace the pain and be grateful for how that pain will ultimately mold us to become better versions of ourselves.
In my experience, having a belief in something is a great start, but a belief itself will not sustain life. We have to see the evidence of that belief backed up in our lives. Once we begin to choose to see the little miracles that take place in our lives, that is when our faith will begin to take root and grow. Sometimes, we have to face old belief systems that were instilled in us as children before we can move into our own personal faith.
For example, I have struggled with feelings of unworthiness since I was a child, and those feelings came up after I chose adoption. I felt shame regarding adoption that I couldn’t make sense of. It wasn’t until I began walking a path of healing that I realized my feelings of unworthiness as a child were expressing themselves while I was going through the adoption process.
I have had to face childhood issues as I become aware of them on my path of healing as a birth mother. It turns out the shame I felt while going through the adoption process had more to do with me feeling unlovable as a little girl rather than reflecting that I felt I ashamed for choosing adoption. Until we can face the root cause of our pain, we will be blinded to the real reason for it.
The reason that I am grateful for my faith when it comes to having chosen adoption is that faith is what got me through. I believed, and still believe, that adoption was the best decision for myself and for my child. There were so many signs of confirmation that I have received over the years to back that up. During the adoption process, I experienced a wide variety of emotions. The only way I could cope with it at the time was to rely on my faith. That little mustard seed that I planted years prior would come to be the bit of belief that I needed to rely on while going through the adoption process.
Even after going through the entire adoption process through finalization, I still had a lot of emotions and grief to process. I ended up diving even deeper into my faith. I wanted to know more about God, why He loved me, and how he could ever allow me to experience pain. I have asked the tough questions that we all have about our faith. While I don’t have the answers, I do have a sense of peace in not needing the answers. Spirituality holds many mysteries that the human brain cannot even begin to unravel. For the most part, faith simply means accepting that the unknown is unknown, and not giving up as a result of not knowing.
If you are a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy and considering adoption, or if you are a woman going through the adoption process, or if you are already a birth mother, remember: Faith starts with a belief the size of a tiny mustard seed. As long as you start somewhere, your belief can grow into a faith. While I know that religion is a hot button topic for some, I want to be clear that I am not trying to push my faith on anyone. No matter what you believe in, and no matter what your faith is in, remain true to it. Our faith is not tested in times of rest and contentment, it is truly revealed to us during the hard times. Take heart, birth mother, for with your faith you are never alone!
This is the ninth post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
“This a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.” – Maya Angelou
As a woman who chose adoption after facing an unplanned pregnancy and single motherhood for an additional six months, I find myself grateful for those who walked with me through the adoption process. To this day, I remember my adoption attorney fondly. He was an older gentleman who specialized in tough open adoption cases in which the birth father contested the adoption. My adoption agency respected him, and he had successfully facilitated many adoptions.
Considering adoption? I highly recommend an adoption attorney be hired as soon as possible. Don’t forget to thank him or her for all they do for you along the way. I will be forever grateful to my adoption attorney for ensuring a successful open adoption for my son, his parents, and myself.
An attorney who chooses to facilitate voluntary adoptions will know the laws in your state regarding the termination of parental rights and another family adopting a child. The first step in the adoption process, after making the decision, includes finding an adoption attorney along with an adoption specialist to help guide a prospective birth mother through the adoption process. State laws regarding adoption will include what financial assistance a prospective birth mother can receive, how a birth father is to be legally handled and communicated with, court preceding requirements, relinquishment guidelines, etc. Since adoption law is so specific, and varies from state to state, it is crucial that a woman considering adoption consult with an attorney as soon as possible.
My son’s birth father decided to contest the adoption, which I knew he would do. My adoption professional, the agency’s adoption director, and myself held a meeting to create a legal plan to ensure success. Of course, without my adoption attorney leading the charge, we would not have known what steps we needed to take for the adoption to proceed. This is just one example of the many mountains we had to climb throughout the legal process in my adoption. If it weren’t for my adoption attorney and my team of adoption professionals, I don’t know that my adoption would have been successful.
If you are a woman considering adoption, please contact an adoption professional who can help guide you through the adoption process. If you are looking for an adoption agency, feel free to call American Adoptions 24/7 at 1-800-ADOPTION. They can refer you to a trusted adoption attorney who will protect your legal interests throughout the process.
While the legal adoption process seems scary, it is made easier with a great team of adoption professionals, especially an adoption attorney. One of the greatest experiences I had throughout the legal side of my adoption process was the finalization hearing. A finalization hearing is when the adoptive parents come to officially and legally finalize the adoption process.
My adoption attorney came into my life during the hardest experience I will ever face. He was able to ensure that my dream became a reality. I wanted my son to have a better life through different parents, and my adoption attorney was able to bring that desire to fruition. No matter how large or small a contribution to your life may seem, please do not overlook the blessing of having a wise and knowledgeable adoption attorney. I will never be able to repay the gratitude I have for those who helped me through my adoption process, including my adoption attorney.
This is the eighth post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
“Rock bottom became the foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” – J.K. Rowling
Believe it or not, I am grateful for my son’s birth father. Yes, I am talking about the man who didn’t support me as a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy, the man who wasn’t helpful or present for the first six months of my son’s life, and the man who contested my adoption decision. I chose adoption almost eight years ago, and for a very long time, I was resentful toward the birth father in my adoption situation.
Fast forward to now, and I can honestly say I am grateful for my son’s birth father for giving me the greatest gift anyone has ever given me: my son. No matter what a birth mother’s situation is with her child’s birth father, there is always the possibility of searching for the silver lining.
Every birth mother has a birth father in her adoption situation. There are so many different circumstances in which a woman may become pregnant, and so many different types of relationships that a birth mother could be in with her birth father, that I must speak of this topic generally. There are three types of birth fathers: the unknown birth father, the unsupportive birth father, and the supportive birth father. Within the three types of birth fathers, they all have one thing in common: a birth father is the man who made the birth mother pregnant in the first place. No matter how a woman initially feels about the man who got her pregnant, she can look at his contribution to the pregnancy with a sense of gratitude if she chooses to.
My experience with my son’s birth father has been an emotional rollercoaster ride. The birth father of my son was someone I had just started dating and barely knew when I found myself as an expectant mother. When I told him that I was pregnant, we had already broken up, but he still expressed excitement. However, his words turned out to be fleeting as his actions only expressed immaturity and a significant lack of support. When I began considering adoption, he refused to say a word to me about it. When he contested my choice for adoption, I was not surprised and did everything I could to ensure the success of my adoption by following my adoption attorney’s advice.
By the way, if you are a woman considering adoption, please contact an adoption attorney immediately. An adoption professional can connect you to an adoption attorney who will instruct you on how to communicate and handle your relationship with the birth father legally and wisely throughout the adoption process.
The reason I am grateful for my son’s birth father is because he gave me the greatest gift anyone could have ever given me: My son. I love my son with a love that I had never known before learning of his conception. Every moment that passes brings with it a growing heart for not only my son, but for others as well. I have learned how to love in a way that I never thought was possible. My son’s birth father had a lot of emotional issues, as well as personal struggles that he was in the midst of when we were dating. However, I have kept slightly in touch with him over the years just to make sure I could get ahold of him if need be. Today, my son’s birth father and I have a friendship. It is slowly growing, and we have a mutual respect for each other. Since going through the adoption process, my son’s birth father has taken responsibility for his actions and apologized to me for everything that happened when I was pregnant and a custodial and legal mother. We are now discussing the possibility of him meeting my son one day with my son’s parents at their request.
If you are a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy and are considering adoption, please consult with an adoption attorney as soon as possible. When it comes to state laws that regulate the adoption process, only a knowledgeable attorney will be able to give wise legal advice. If you do not have an adoption attorney, please contact an adoption professional and they should have an adoption attorney that they can connect you with. Whether you choose to use a local adoption agency or a national adoption agency, the organization should have an attorney on retainer. For any birth father-related general questions, please call 1-800-ADOPTION, where an adoption specialist is available 24/7.
Remember that every state has different laws when it comes to adoption communication including pregnancy notification, dealing with an unsupportive father, and how to proceed legally with a birth father who contests to the adoption, as well as the situation in which a birth mother does not know who the birth father is. Please direct any specific birth father questions you may have in your state to your adoption attorney.
My life has been forever changed as the result of finding myself facing an unexpected pregnancy. Not only have I had the greatest love of my life gifted to me, but I have also grown from the grief that I have faced. My healing journey has included not only forgiving my son’s birth father, but growing to embrace him as a blessing in my life. I know how hard it is to try and forgive a man who can contest an adoption after not being supportive of a child, but I also know that it is possible to find forgiveness. Today, I am grateful for the role that my birth father played in gifting me my son. If I can embrace that gift, I know that it is possible for other birth mothers to walk a path of healing regarding the birth father who was or is in their adoption situation.
This is the seventh post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
