It’s almost time! You are excited yet terrified because you are a potential birth mother in her third trimester of an unplanned pregnancy. You have been doing your best to maintain a healthy lifestyle and work on the adoption plan with your adoption professional and the potential adoptive couple. Hopefully, you have been thinking a bit about life after placement as well. As the big day approaches when you will meet the child for whom you have chosen adoption, there are many emotions stirring within you that will need to be processed at some point. Finalizing arrangements for placement and post-placement life will be crucial as you come closer to birth day. Here are a few things, beyond what you may already be doing, that you should consider when you are in your third trimester of an unexpected pregnancy:
A post-placement plan will be indescribably helpful when completed prior to the birth of the baby. While a potential birth mother has been focused on the pregnancy and adoption plans, the time has come to really sit down and plan her life after placement. A post-placement plan will include living arrangements, financial support, job/career decisions, support systems, and relationship goals. Whatever the current situation is, it’s important for a birth mother to make a plan that is conducive to promoting healing. This can come in the form of setting up post-placement support groups or therapy, purchasing some reading material on healing from adoption, and making sure she keeps those who have been encouraging close to her. One of the other considerations that a birth mother may want to make sure she has set up in her post-placement plan are goals. Having life goals, and setting objectives to work toward those goals, can be incredibly healing. Regardless of how old a birth mother is, she still has time to turn her life around for the better. Perhaps she will consider beginning or continuing an education, provide support to other birth mothers, or focus more on other responsibilities she may have. On top of promoting a healing environment for post-placement, it is important that a birth mother plan for a healthy and happy future.
By the third trimester, a prospective birth mom may have lost a few relationships, but hopefully has gained a few, as well. A potential birth mother may have been very reliant on her adoption professional and potential adoptive family. The adoptive mom may have been a huge support through the rough spots during the pregnancy. However, after placement, the adoptive parents will be new parents with a baby, and birth mom will need to have other healthy support people in place. A great adoption professional will recommend support resources for life after placement. A birth mother will have a healing journey to begin, but healing cannot occur in isolation. I speak from experience when I say that the healing process becomes a bit easier when there is a support system in place. I very quickly placed my six-month-old son up for adoption after I made my adoption decision a few weeks prior. I had no time to prepare for post-placement life, and did much of my healing in isolation, especially in the beginning. Claiming it was almost impossible to handle feeling so lonely is an understatement.
If you are anything like me, you have your birth plan down to a tee. You know who will be in the room, where you will give birth, and how placement will be handled after. I want to encourage confirmation of the birth/hospital plan for adoption with everyone who needs to know it. Yet I also want to remind you to remain flexible. Mother nature will take its course, whether you have planned for it or not. Don’t expect everything to go perfectly, and adjust your sails as you ride your course. If something happens that you weren’t expecting, be willing to adjust and be accepting as you move forward.
The third trimester of an unplanned pregnancy for a woman who is choosing adoption can be a very exciting time if you let it. Continue to maintain healthy lifestyle choices, get rest when you can, and be excited for what the future holds. Remember to have a hospital/birth plan and post-placement plan in place, but don’t reject surprises and a change in course if it comes. Take care of yourself and know that healing is a journey, not a destination. This is the third post in a three-part series. Read the following articles for pregnancy to-dos during the first and second trimesters. For more information about what to expect during your unplanned pregnancy, visit our month-by-month unplanned pregnancy help guide here. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
For the first trimester of an unplanned pregnancy, a potential birth mother should have already established medical care, be making healthier nutritional choices and have discussed removing drugs and/or alcohol from her life with a doctor. For the woman facing an unexpected pregnancy who is choosing adoption, she may be ready to choose an adoption professional or agency and be looking for a potential adoptive family if she hasn’t already found one. Beyond maintaining healthy lifestyle choices from the start of the pregnancy, a potential birth mother will want to start thinking about the birth of her child and post-placement life during the second trimester. The pregnancy may feel like it’s dragging, but I guarantee it will fly by before you know it. Here are some things to consider after maintaining healthy lifestyle choices for a woman who is experiencing an unplanned pregnancy:
A birth plan is the plan for what will happen at the birth of the baby, based on the preferences of the prospective birth mother. Every mother can create a birth plan. For a woman who is choosing adoption, she will have a different birth plan that includes whether the adoptive family will be in the delivery room, if she will hold the baby first and more. A potential birth mother should work with her adoption professional to make sure that her hospital plan is thorough and covers the basics of an adoption hospital birth. If the adoptive parents have been chosen, they should be made aware of the prospective birth mother’s hospital plan. This plan will also need to be shared with the potential birth mother’s doctor so that the hospital she uses knows what her decisions and processes are to be. Creating a birth/hospital plan that every party is happy with may take some time, which is why I suggest beginning the process in the second trimester. This way, no one feels pressured to rush when the third trimester and birth day begin to creep up.
The pregnancy and adoption may be the only thing that a birth mother can think about when she is alone. The stressors and what-ifs and hows may be knocking at the top of her mind daily. However, there is a future to begin to consider as well. A potential birth mother who has chosen to place her baby up for adoption will very soon find herself in the last stages of pregnancy, and begin wondering what will happen to her after the baby is born and is placed. Commencing to think about life after adoption is something that a potential birth mother should begin to consider during the second trimester. Life after placement may feel like it’s far away, but the future always comes sooner than we expect it to. Start dreaming about what a happy and healthy life would look like, regardless of the bleakness of your current circumstances. Dream big, and don’t be afraid to think outside the box. Get creative with the choices that you may make regarding what your future could hold. Not only will this begin to prepare you for life after placement, but it may also bring you joy and comfort to know that adoption is only the beginning, and you have your whole life ahead of you.
I mentioned it earlier, but I find it important to mention again. Healthy lifestyle choices can be very difficult for someone who is suffering from the anxiety and grief that choosing adoption can bring with it. If you are a potential birth mother who finds herself struggling to make healthy lifestyle choices a reality, then it may be time to consider seeking some additional help. Depression is a very real condition that many people deal with. If you suspect that you may be in trouble with any mental health, please seek help. The Suicide Hotline is available 24/7, and they even have a text line if you don’t feel like speaking with someone over the phone. Depression is very real, and should never be ignored, or it will just get worse. If you are not suicidal, but notice that you may be suffering from depression, let your adoption professional know. If you have close friends and family that you can trust, confide in them as well. Regardless of who you speak to, it’s important to get help from a psychiatric professional when dealing with potential mental health issues. If you suspect it, and mental health disorders run in your family, then it’s more likely you may have to cope with it as well. Please don’t be afraid to seek help if you find yourself feeling consistently down and depressed, because it can escalate quickly if not attended to expediently.
The second trimester is a great time to practice maintaining healthy lifestyle choices. As you venture on towards your third trimester, begin thinking about life after placement and what the future might hold for you. A potential birth mother’s choice for adoption is not the end, it is only a beginning. This is the second post in a three-part series. For pregnancy to-dos during the first trimester, read this article. For pregnancy to-dos during the second trimester, click here. For more information about what to expect during your unplanned pregnancy, visit our month-by-month unplanned pregnancy help guide here. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
There are a variety of reasons why a woman may choose to place her baby up for adoption. Once she has made the decision, she still must complete the adoption process throughout the length of the pregnancy and deal with post-placement grief and other emotions. On top of considering and following through with an adoption, a pregnant woman must take care of her body while she is pregnant, since she is solely responsible for those nine months for the health of her baby. Pregnancy requires self-care, discipline and support. A woman must make sure she is taking care of herself while carrying a baby. This includes nutrition, medical and mental health considerations. Beyond the stress of the choice for adoption, the potential birth mother must be sure to try and manage other stresses as well. Here are some habits and lifestyle changes that a woman facing an unexpected pregnancy will need to begin practicing during the first trimester:
Pregnancy brings with it a slew of considerations, including living a healthy lifestyle. A soon-to-be birth mother will want to find a doctor she can trust throughout her pregnancy and to handle the birth. Typically, this will be an OBGYN or a midwife. Different doctors may have different practices, expectations, and requirements of their pregnant patients. If you do not already have an OBGYN that you trust, and you would like help finding a new doctor, contact the adoption professional that you are working with so that they can help refer you to someone. There is another consideration with prenatal medical care, and that is the aspect of choosing adoption instead of parenting. Make sure that the OBGYN or midwife you choose understands and respects the choice to place baby for adoption. Your adoption professional can help you find an adoption-friendly medical professional. If the adoption professional you have chosen doesn’t have recommendations for a medical provider, then do some research on your own. You can do an internet search to find local providers, or call your insurance company for providers who accept your insurance. If you have already chosen a potential adoptive couple, they might be able to refer you to their preferred health care provider as well.
I know that my eating habits were terrible when I found out that I was pregnant. I was barely eating and drinking tons of energy drinks. I was underweight and just never had an appetite. Learning of an unplanned pregnancy and deciding against having an abortion meant making different lifestyle choices when it came to nutrition. One of the first steps in healthy nutrition when it comes to finding out you are unexpectedly expecting is to begin taking a prenatal vitamin. Prenatal vitamins have different amounts of the nutrients a woman needs when she is growing a life inside of her. Do not continue other supplements or vitamins without the okay from your health care provider. Healthy eating choices are crucial as well throughout an unplanned pregnancy. Bad eating habits like constant fast food or eating too much or too little at every meal are probably habits that will need to be abandoned. Make sure you are eating at least three meals per day and snacks between if necessary. If you have morning sickness (which may be all day sickness if you are anything like me), that can be tackled with supplements like ginger after doctor approval. If you aren’t sure how to adapt those eating habits during a pregnancy, there is a government-sponsored program called WIC that can guide you in how to eat healthy for you and your baby while pregnant. The WIC (Women, Infants, & Children) website will inform you of nutritional information and how to get in touch with your local WIC office. You may even qualify for food assistance through WIC.
In a society where addiction and alcoholism are such a problem, it would behoove me to mention that drugs and alcohol need to be cut out during any pregnancy, including an unplanned pregnancy. There is a stereotype that young potential birth mothers are addicted to drugs, which is a wide-sweeping and untrue statement. However, addiction and alcoholism are unfortunately very real diseases and need to be addressed. The first step in cutting out drugs and alcohol would be to consult with a medical professional to ensure that there are no physical dangers to the baby, like dealing with heavy withdrawal symptoms. Women addicted to certain substances, especially harder drugs and alcohol, may find themselves in a situation in which quitting cold turkey is not the wise route. Beyond issues of withdrawal causing harm to a fetus, there may be a higher risk of relapse due to binging after having quit cold turkey. If drugs and/or alcohol are an issue for any potential birth mother who is processing an unplanned pregnancy, please seek help for this first and foremost. There are adoptive families out there who are screened and willing to take on a baby from a drug-addicted birth mother. So if adoption is your choice, but you are battling the disease of addiction, you can still make an adoption plan for your baby. Just make sure that you are open in communication with your adoption professional right out of the gate so they can help you find families who will take the baby, and refer you support resources if necessary. Those are only a few of the considerations that a pregnant woman will need to keep in mind while dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Depending upon a potential birth mother’s situation, she may also have to contend with financial hardship, relationships evolving and housing adjustments. The first trimester of pregnancy is different for every woman, but the above are some of the crucial points to cover when taking care of mom and baby.
This is the first in a three-part series. For pregnancy to-dos during the second trimester, read this article. For more information about what to expect during your unplanned pregnancy, visit our month-by-month unplanned pregnancy help guide here. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Pampering yourself is an important part of the healing journey. Believe it or not, pampering yourself is a part of self-care. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we will have nothing to give to others. Giving your energy to others is like handing someone a glass of water, and you can’t pour from an empty glass. No matter what you are going through, or how busy you find yourself on a day-to-day basis, make time to take care of yourself when you need it. I did some research on this article before writing it, and found the following tips to be very helpful in feeling peaceful and getting my mind focused on what I need to do after completion:
Even if you only have time to cut your nails. Even if you don’t have the funds to go to a spa. Even if you are stretched thin for time. No matter what: take care of your nails. I love painting my nails. I make time every other week to do my nails. I love all the different colors of nail polish that there are to choose from. There is a product out now that claims to “dry like gel,” and I highly recommend it. Brightening and cleaning up your nails will make you feel pretty. Don’t overlook the value in feeling pretty. It births confidence when you feel that you look your best. I used to think it was vain, but there is nothing like a stranger’s compliment, “Oh! I love your nails!”
Even if your tub is filled with toys and hasn’t been scrubbed in a week, get on your knees and clean that tub and hop in! A lavender bath, with a candle, the door shut, and some music playing can be incredibly therapeutic. Not only is it relaxing to take a bath, but the ambience may even bring you a sense of peace. Every day you take a shower to get clean, but what about taking a bath to wash your soul? Everyone needs a break from time to time, and a bath is one of the best ways to take a break.
I do not like crying in front of other people. It makes me feel vulnerable, and I hate that feeling like many people do. However, did you know that crying has been scientifically proven to be good for you? The tears you produce when you cry are different than your eyes’ natural lubrication and your sweat. When you cry, toxins from your brain are expelled, and it cleans out your tear ducts. The result of a good cry is that your brain gets to reset itself. Maybe you haven’t cried in a long time. Maybe you cry all the time. Whatever your natural crying pattern is, make sure that you set aside time to allow yourself to cry. It can be a good cry on a friend’s shoulder or one of those ugly cries you reserve for when you are alone. Just let yourself cry. Check out this article on “5 Reasons Crying is Good for You” from the Huffington Post.
Music therapy is some of the best therapy that exists. You can turn on a song from any genre, and it will invoke different feelings and emotions. When we are sad, we tend to listen to sad music. When we are angry, we tend to listen to angry music. When we are excited, we tend to listen to upbeat music. As a grieving birth mother, I found listening to sad music the most comfortable, but not the most comforting. Choose to listen to happy music, whether you are feeling positive or not. Experience the beat as you go from down in the dumps to excited to be alive. Give it a try with some Britney Spears, Deadmau5 or Bob Marley. Even if you don’t want to feel better, make it a point to put some happy music and just see what happens. You might be surprised at a result.
The last thing you should be doing when you are walking a healing path is to isolate. When we isolate, we lose touch with ourselves and the people we care about. Small problems seem bigger when we are facing them alone without anyone to talk to. Regardless of how many or few friends you have, reach out to them and set up some girl time. Remember that relationships are like plants and that you must water them to make them grow. They also need sun exposure like people do with their friendships. Wanting to isolate is common when you are grieving as a birth mother. It feels like you are all alone and that no one understands what you are going through. Instead of looking to your friends for understanding, look to them for compassion. They may not understand exactly what you are going through, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t want to be there for you.
Those are just a few ideas for pampering yourself and practicing self-care. Everyone has different activities they like to participate in, and different things that bring us a sense of peace. What are you doing to promote self-care in your life to gain a sense of peace from time to time? ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
You’ve heard the good news — after a long parenthood journey, one of your loved ones has finally adopted a beautiful child all their own. It’s natural that you want to help them celebrate their new addition with a card to show that you’re thinking of them. However, if you’re unfamiliar with adoption, you may wonder, “What kind of adoption cards should I send them?”
Fortunately, adoption congratulations cards need be no different from any card sent to biological parents. While the process of bringing a child home may be a bit different from what you’re used to, the end result is the same. Celebrating that success, therefore, doesn’t need anything different than what you would normally do.
You can easily pick up a card from your local store that will express the same sentiments, no matter your loved one’s method of bringing that child into their family — serving as the perfect “Congratulations on your adoption!” card.
If you want something a little more personal to commemorate the special way that your loved one added this child to their family, you may wish to specifically find cards for adoption. Because adoption has become a more popular way of building a family over the last decades, you can actually find adoption-specific congratulations cards online in shops like Etsy.
If you want to make your adoption congratulations card a little more personal, you always have the option of making it yourself! This can be as simple or as complicated a process as your creative skills allow. Start with a piece of blank cardstock, fold it in half to make a card and then decorate and embellish it however your heart desires.
You may know what kind of decorations to include in adoption cards (anything baby- or child-related will do), but you may still wonder what to write in an adoption card. Consider general statements like, “Congratulations on your new arrival!” You may choose to specifically address their adoption by saying, “Congratulations on your adoption,” but your adoption messages should be sensitive of certain topics, like the child’s birth mother. In general, phrases like “Happy Gotcha Day!” should be avoided.
When in doubt when it comes to what to write in an adoption card, keep it simple and congratulatory.
Sometimes, when people are thinking about what to write in an adoption card, they consider adding adoption verses. If you or the adoptive family is religious, it may be a good idea to include these verses for adoption cards to make them more personal. Some to consider are:
Whatever you decide to include in your adoption cards, make sure that they express your excitement and joy for the new parents, whether or not you choose to specifically address their adoption in your messages. Any new parent, adoptive or not, will appreciate the time you take to make and send them a card for their new arrival. If you need more ideas for adoption congratulations cards, you can always search for other suggestions online.
Resources and support groups are not always easy to find when it comes to being a birth mother. We all need support in times of despair, and being a birth mother can be incredibly lonely. I know what it feels like to wish you had someone who understands what you are going through but don’t know where to turn. If you find yourself in a place in which you need support, but don’t know where to turn, consider starting a support group yourself.
The first step in starting a support group is to commit to following through. With any decision you make, it’s not enough to decide to do it; you must follow through with it as well. Start by calling local adoption agencies, hospitals and churches. You can also check out local community boards for any support groups in your area. If there is already a support group in the area, but it’s not easy to find, perhaps instead of starting your own group, you help that group grow. If you find there is not a support group, it might be time for you to start one.
Local adoption agencies, hospitals and churches might not have a support group of their own, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t be interested in offering a space for you to hold your own. Call around and find out if they have a space available that you might be able to use for your purposes. Once you find a willing facility, you can discuss with them if they will charge you to use the space or if you can utilize it for free. It may not be a bad idea to start up a donation for the meeting space if it costs money. At every meeting you hold, you can have a donation basket and collect funds that way.
The next step is to determine how frequently you want to meet as a support group. My recommendation is to hold monthly or bi-weekly meetings. If you hold the meeting every week, not everyone who is interested will be able to always make it, and they may feel left out. Having a weekly meeting is also a big commitment, and you may not be in a place in which you are able to make that commitment. Make sure the frequency matches a realistic timeframe for you, since you will need to be at every meeting when you start until you find another facilitator.
One of the most important steps is to get the word out that you are starting a support group and looking for people to join. Perhaps you can print out fliers, post it on social media, and call those local adoption agencies, schools, and churches and let them know as well. The more exposure you can gain for your group, the more people will be reached, and the more likely you will draw people to your support group. If you don’t have the ability to print fliers, ask the facility you are holding it through if they have a printer that you can use to gain interest.
The big question is this: How will you run the group when people start coming to it? Here are some questions you will want to ask yourself that will help you to create group guidelines:
I recommend that you adjust guidelines as the group grows. There will very likely be a slow start to the meeting. It may prove challenging to get people to come. Don’t give up though, because sometimes people need time to reach out and ask for help. Once the group starts gaining momentum, you can re-assess all your guidelines, including where you hold the meeting, how frequently you meet, how you run the group, and who you open it up to.
Once you start the group, and you have gained momentum, remember to remain committed to it. If you can’t be at every meeting, don’t feel guilty or slack on your commitment, just find another individual who you can trust to facilitate the meeting. I think you may be surprised at the leadership interest you will find among other strong birth mothers. My hope is that someday, there will be local chapters of support groups for birth mothers in every area. Every journey begins with one step. Perhaps it’s your turn to take that first step? If you run into challenges along the way, reach out and ask for help from someone you trust. And as always, remember: Don’t give up! ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Each year, members of the adoption triad and anyone else who supports adoption can celebrate with a special day all their own — World Adoption Day. This year, World Adoption Day is today, November 9.
As many know, the U.S. Children’s Bureau names November as National Adoption Awareness Month, and World Adoption Day is just another way that people around the world can support and celebrate the incredible lifelong journey that adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptees go through every day.
There are a couple of simple ways that you can get involved in World Adoption Day:
1. Draw a smiley face on your hands and post a selfie with the hashtag #WorldAdoptionDay. If you’re comfortable doing so, share your adoption story on your social media to raise awareness of the beauty of adoption from all sides of the journey.
WOW! Such an honor to see #WorldAdoptionDay across the world. Thank you to everyone with a sharpie and a smile. Keep it going!! A post shared by World Adoption Day | Nov. 9th (@worldadoptionday) on Nov 15, 2016 at 2:16pm PST
WOW! Such an honor to see #WorldAdoptionDay across the world. Thank you to everyone with a sharpie and a smile. Keep it going!!
A post shared by World Adoption Day | Nov. 9th (@worldadoptionday) on Nov 15, 2016 at 2:16pm PST
2. Become an ambassador or join the 391 World Adoption Day ambassadors in organizing events and parties to raise awareness about adoption. You can also become an ambassador just by sharing information about World Adoption Day on your social media.
3. Donate to adoption causes (like supporting your local foster care system) or to families who need financial help with their adoption.
There are several more ways you can spread awareness about World Adoption Day and adoption in general. It’s not important how you do it; it’s just important that you do it. To learn more about this adoption campaign, you can subscribe to the World Adoption Day newsletter and find events near you.
Adopting children internationally, while already a highly-regulated process, has become even more difficult for hopeful American families.
The Columbus Dispatch reported this week that since the Trump administration took office, the State Department has started imposing new regulations on international adoption agencies in the United States. Government officials have also begun re-interpreting regulations on accreditation of U.S. adoption service providers, which has already resulted in one American international accrediting entity to stop offering accreditation services — and can be expected to greatly reduce how many American families can hope to successfully complete international adoptions in the near future.
Today, per the State Department’s requirements, U.S. adoption agencies providing international adoption services are responsible for every person or entity that interacts with prospective adoptees — even if that American agency has no ability to influence the actions of those other providers. This, combined with the more restrictive regulations on international adoption agencies, seems to have only accelerated a rapid decline in international adoptions by American parents.
These recent international adoption changes and proposed legislation to the adoption tax credit have many adoption professionals crying foul. While some adoption professionals say the new international adoption restrictions are necessary, others say the supervision of foreign providers in international adoption is an impractical step toward making the process safer and will severely hurt many hopeful adoptive parents.
To express your concerns about the administration’s treatment of adoption-related issues, please contact your local representative today.
My name is Lindsay, and I have been the birth mother of a child who was placed for adoption for seven years. I chose adoption because I believed, and still believe, that adoption was the best decision for myself and my baby. Experiencing an unplanned pregnancy was almost terrifying for me, as I wasn’t even close to ready to be taking on the role of parent. Being a single mother for six months was overwhelmingly lonely. The adoption process was a rollercoaster ride, with very high highs and very low lows. To this day, I do not regret my adoption decision. Yet, that doesn’t mean I don’t face obstacles of misunderstanding as a birth mother.
I understand to the full extent why I choose adoption, and I am a confident birth mother. That doesn’t mean that I don’t face stigma and misunderstanding, even from family and friends. My family did not support my adoption decision. I believe that certain members of my family have come to accept it, but some of them still disagree with my decision. Friends of mine believe I am brave, but still don’t understand what it’s like to be a birth mother. Strangers commend me, but sometimes I sense a hint of pity or judgement.
I have spent years writing about voluntarily choosing adoption and walking a path of healing after going through the adoption process. It took me two years after going through the adoption process before I could really claim to be on a tangible healing path. Healing started out as almost an impossible journey for me. It was so hard to process through my grief and loneliness. However, over time, the healing process became a bit smoother, and processing the grief became easier. The reason that I have chosen writing as my main coping tool is because it comes naturally to me. I have been keeping journals ever since I had my first diary when I was 11 years old.
My goal in writing is twofold. First, I need to continue to heal. I have found that ever since I learned to put pen to paper, my healing road has been much smoother. The beauty of keeping a journal is that you can confess any emotion to your paper, and if you choose, it can remain secret forever. Just between you and your diary. You can even burn the pages or the entire journal for a more cathartic experience. Second, I have a testimony to share that I believe may help others heal. I believe that testimony, or telling a story about your life and the miracle that follows, is a powerful spiritual tool. It can give others permission to accept healing into their own life. It can encourage others when they feel they have nothing left to give to their own journey. It can shed insight onto a situation that needs a few more lenses on it. Those are my goals in writing regarding writing about healing from choosing adoption.
Although I am a confident birth mother, that doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with the misconceptions that others may have of me and my choice. When dealing with family, I have found that they don’t want to talk about the fact that I chose adoption. It’s as if they have skipped their own grieving process and went straight to acceptance. In my opinion, this is not the healthy choice. Sometimes, when I talk about my son with them, they take slight jabs at me. The truth is, they do not mean to hurt me, but they never processed their own hurt themselves. I am making assumptions when I state this, but I also know the members of my family very well. My choice for adoption is still somewhat of an open wound for some of them.
You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends. I have chosen my friends to be a small circle of women that I can trust with anything. I used to choose having many friends, none of whom I would get very close to. These days, I am very open and close with my best friends. While my friends are amazing, and they are incredibly supportive of me being a birth mother, there is one thing that they don’t understand: I may be a birth mother, but that means I am still a mother. Sometimes when we talk about kids, they make comments about me not understanding what it is like to have children. The truth is, I do understand what it is like to have children, because I have a son. I worry about the same things that other parents do, like emotional growth and development, academics, and my son being happy and healthy. What my friends don’t understand is that being a birth mother doesn’t make me any less of a mother than they are.
Strangers and acquaintances are the ones who are the hardest to deal with. One of the questions that someone will ask in general conversation is, “Do you have kids?” My answer depends on what I feel like talking about at the time. Sometimes I say, “Yes, but not with me.” Other times, when I am not feeling like opening up, I will simply say, “No.” However, when I say no to having children, it makes me feel guilty for not acknowledging my son. Yet, when I say that I have a child, it is usually followed by a brief explanation that I chose adoption for my son. My quick answer to having a child I placed for adoption is this: “I have a child that I placed for adoption years ago. However, it’s an open adoption. I see him and talk to him. He is amazing, and I basically have the fairy tale open adoption.” I find that this answer makes strangers and acquaintances less uncomfortable. The judgment and awkwardness of discussing being a birth mother is something that I am still not used to. There are so many stereotypes that society has regarding being a birth mother. As a writer and advocate for adoption education and understanding, I have a personal agenda to inform others on what open adoption is and how beautiful it can be. However, just because I believe in this cause doesn’t mean I am always in the mood to deal with explaining my decision to others.
As a birth mother, I still face challenges seven years later. I think that every birth mother does. In fact, I know many women who have chosen adoption, and every single one of them chooses to deal with it differently than the next one. I don’t think there is any right or wrong way to be a birth mother, no matter how many years it has been since adoption was chosen and what circumstances led to that choice. The truth is that everyone copes with their issues differently. Everyone chooses a different level of personal privacy. It’s important that we respect the boundaries that others put up, even if they are not boundaries that we would not necessarily have ourselves. I am a confident birth mother, but I am still prone to falling into the self-doubt of humanity. I am not perfect, but I sure try my best to be the most mature version of myself that I am able to be. I believe that is the best we can do at any given time. While there are challenges and speed bumps along the path of healing, there are also great victories and miracles along the way. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
