As a little girl, I had baby dolls, doll houses and Barbies galore. I would daydream about being a mommy. In my adolescence, I suffered from debilitating menstrual pain, only to find out in college that I had endometriosis. The chances of me ever bearing children dropped to 50 percent. As a young woman who used to dream about being a mother, I was crushed. Fast forward to my early 20s, and I found myself pregnant. I was literally in shock. I was in college, independent, and had very little support.
I’ve Experienced Motherhood
When I was a mother, it lasted for six months. I was exhausted. I was living in a very difficult situation with very little support, and I just couldn’t continue to parent. Not only was I at my wit’s end, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to offer my son the future that I wanted for him. Adoption was the best decision that I could have made for us, but that doesn’t mean it was the easy decision.
Adoption Is Not Feeling-Free
I chose adoption seven years ago. It still hurts at times. The pain isn’t as close to what it was in the beginning, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t hurt. For example, I see mothers with their children, and I wonder if that will ever be me. Did I miss my chance at being a mother? It’s an odd sensation, because I don’t have regrets. But I am 30 years old and have yet to give birth again. I still daydream like I did when I was a child. Yet, the same question remains: Am I ready yet to be a full-time mother?
Will I Ever Parent Again?
I wasn’t very young when I had my son, but I am ever so much more mature now. I still struggle with whether I am ready to be a mother again. I think back to what it was like when I had my son, and how difficult the pregnancy, and the loneliness, was. I am married now, but I still have fears and concerns that something could go wrong.
Perhaps the trauma never leaves you. Perhaps it will always haunt you to some degree. I guess the question is, how do you face the fears? Will I ever parent a child of my own again, or will I always be reminded of what I went through in my past? I am a stepmother and an aunt now to children that I would do anything for. Yet, the thought of having my own child again frightens me. Why?
Authoring a Path of Healing
My passion is in writing about spiritual healing. However, I did not get here overnight. I have kept a diary since I was young, and haven’t stopped writing since then. Writing is my most effective healing tool. Yet, no matter how much I write, or how far I have come on this path of healing, there is still more to go.
I’d love to tell you that I understand why I am hesitant to have children again. I wish I had all the answers sometimes. However, if I knew everything, then how would I ever go on adventures? This life is an adventure, and I am always navigating some type of deep water. My life has not been easy, but I am still here and stronger than ever.
What Is My Hesitation?
Today, I ask myself: Why am I hesitant to parent again? Do I feel that I owe my son something? Do I feel that I owe myself something? Am I afraid of failure? Do I see adoption as failure subconsciously? What is holding me back from deciding about parenting again? The truth is, I still have time if I decide to parent again. I am at least a decade away from having to truly make that decision.
Live in the Present
In the meantime, I press forward on my path of healing. I do the best I am able to with what I know. I rely on my insight, wisdom and my faith for guidance. I have lived a lot of life in my 30 years, but there is still so much farther for me to go.
I ask you to walk this path of healing with me. Ask yourself the tough questions about what you want for your life, and don’t give up when life becomes tough. I still feel lonely as a birth mother, but it has significantly lessened over time. Perhaps you can contemplate with me: Will we decide to have children again, and what will it take to make that decision?
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.