According to Psychology Today, “Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. It is generally said to include three skills: emotional awareness; the ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problem solving; and the ability to manage emotions, which includes regulating your own emotions and cheering up or calming down other people.”
Emotional intelligence is something that can take time to learn, just like any type of intelligence. Emotional intelligence is learned through experience and self-discipline. Generally, people who are self-aware have a higher emotional intelligence than people who have a lack of self-awareness. Healing and emotional intelligence are directly related. In my experience, healing from the choice for adoption means developing emotional intelligence, and increasing your array of self-help tools. Healing from any trauma or painful experience takes time. Along with time, it takes self-discipline, a desire to heal, and the action required to move forward on the path of healing. With every step toward healing you take, you are one step further in your walk for emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is important for multiple reasons. Emotional intelligence allows an individual to process through their emotions, whether they feel good or bad. It also guides us in how to speak to others and how we treat others. It assists in the decision-making process. Most importantly, emotional intelligence reflects how we look at ourselves. People who have confidence and stand up for themselves likely have a higher emotional intelligence than those who are insecure and don’t set personal boundaries with others.
So, what does emotional intelligence have to do with choosing adoption? Choosing adoption not only requires a level of maturity, but handling the emotions that come with the choice in the short-term and the long-term requires a level of self-awareness. A birth mother will process the grief of losing her role as a custodial mother, the physical absence of her child, and perhaps the loss of other relationships in her life as the result of the decision for adoption. These situations have emotional components to them. The higher your level of emotional intelligence is, the easier it will be for you to process those emotions and walk a path of healing.
Emotional intelligence can be measured with every choice that you make in your life. These are a few questions that someone who is self-aware might ask themselves when assessing emotional intelligence:
Increasing emotional intelligence is something that occurs over time and with experience. A person who has lived an easy life and isn’t very in touch with themselves or the world around them may struggle when it comes to emotional intelligence. However, someone who has lived a harder life and come out the other side walking a path of healing might have a higher level of emotional intelligence. There are resources available to assist in increasing emotional intelligence. Some of these resources include utilizing a support group in a healthy way, going to therapy, and studying a bit on what emotional intelligence is. Emotional intelligence is crucial in many aspects of life, including healing after adoption. Without emotional intelligence, the struggle to heal will feel more overwhelming. However, every step you take counts, and the first step is the most important. Walk your path of healing, and watch your emotional intelligence increase as you do. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Adoption is an exciting, beautiful way to build a family — and there are many birth mothers, adoptive families and adoptees out there that are proudly sharing their adoption stories. Many of them keep a blog or social media account to document what their life is like with adoption, to spread awareness of why adoption is important and to just provide insight into how normal life can be for members of the adoption triad. However, when you search the internet for “adoption blogs,” you’ll likely get a huge number of results. While the majority of these blogs are likely good sources of educational and entertaining adoption stories, not all will be. So, how do you find the ones that apply most to you? We’ve made it one step easier for you in this article. Here, find several adoption blogs we recommend, separated into different themes and topics so you can choose the ones you’re most interested in:
There are many blogs out there that tackle various aspects of adoption. Some (like our blog!) address all aspects of adoption, serving as an educational resource for prospective birth parents, adoptive parents and anyone else interested in the adoption process. To learn more about general adoption information, continue checking in with our Considering Adoption blog and check out these other adoption blogs:
Because adoption is a fascinating and rewarding journey, many adoptive parents feel compelled to write about their experiences going through the adoption process and raising adopted children. Their adoption blogs help shed a light on what it’s really like to be an adoptive parent, providing a great resource to other prospective adoptive parents who want to hear about the experience from someone who’s actually been through it. Here are some to follow:
Likewise, just as adoptive parents want to write about their experiences, there are many older adoptees who have decided to reflect upon their experience in a public forum like a blog. Perhaps they went through a closed adoption and wanted to document their adoption reunion stories, or just want to share adoption stories from adopted children to build a greater online community for adoptees. Some blogs to take a look at include:
While there are admittedly fewer adoption blogs written by birth mothers than by adoptive parents, these voices are important in the adoption process — and should be listened to and learned from. Check out these blogs to learn more about what it’s like to be on the other side of the adoption journey:
Transracial adoption is another process where prospective adoptive parents look for advice and support from others who have been through the process. Whether you’re currently parenting a child of a different race or considering pursuing this kind of adoption, you can learn more from these adoption blogs:
Being a foster parent or adopting a child from foster care is a uniquely difficult process, and many of these parents turn to blogs to express their feelings, challenges and joys throughout the process. These adoption blogs are good reminder that, in the end, all of the difficulties are worth it. Read these parents’ blogs to learn more:
Finally, international adoption blogs are another great resource to read and learn from. In most circumstances, international adoption is a whole other beast than adoption within the United States, and these parents’ blogs are a great way to find out more about what the process is really like:
If you don’t find an adoption blog within this article that fits with your situation, keep researching — there are many more adoption blogs online, covering every aspect of the adoption process you could ever think of. If you’re of the creative mind yourself, you can always start your own adoption blog and start spreading awareness of what you think is most important in the adoption process, too!
Our choices matter. There are many factors that go into making choices, including our social environment, how we were raised, our morals, our experience, etc. One of the crucial factors that determines how we make choices is our level of maturity. Immature decision-makers typically make immature decisions, and vice versa. Choosing logic and wisdom over making a snap decision requires a level of maturity. Of all the decisions that essentially require maturity, choosing adoption would be one of the more significant decisions.
Maturity may be defined by a dictionary, but the true measure of maturity comes with watching someone make decisions in their life and what they consider when making those decisions. For example, two people may be facing the same decision. One reacts quickly without regard for consequences due to intense emotions, while the other stops to think about it and considers the effects the decision may have on their life and the lives of those around them. Which person seems to be acting in maturity? Maturity is not a one-size-fits-all idea. It comes in different forms for different people. While a person may be mature in some aspects of life, they may be more immature in other aspects. Some people are just generally mature, while others just cannot seem to get beyond their immaturity. So how do you determine whether you are making mature decisions? Ultimately, you must be self-aware and assess yourself.
It is easy to judge others. The flesh promotes judgement, and the society that we live in only encourages that. With individuals comparing themselves to others, the media feeding into it, and social environments circling around social issues, how can we avoid judging someone else’s maturity? The same decision made by two people may show maturity for one, and immaturity for the other. The truth is, you cannot judge whether someone is making a mature decision or not unless you can understand their circumstances.
So, if you cannot assess whether others are making mature decisions, then what is the point of understanding maturity? Assessing your own level of maturity in any situation will only help you on your path in life, and your path in healing. You know yourself and your own situation better than anyone else, and you can assess whether you are making a decision that is mature for yourself. Considering setting aside feelings, not making snap judgements, and looking at how choices may affect others. These are all signs of maturity in the decision-making process. Choosing adoption is a decision that can be made from a place of maturity or immaturity. Unfortunately, there are situations in which women, especially young girls, are pressured into choosing adoption. It causes a deep sadness in my heart, since those are usually the stories you hear about in which a birth mother regrets her decision. With those cases aside, let’s look at those who are not pressured into choosing adoption.
There is a terrible stereotype in which birth mothers are considered selfish for choosing adoption. Perhaps, at times, it’s true that a woman who chooses adoption is doing so out of a selfish desire to avoid her responsibilities. However, in my experience, that is just not the typical case. I was immature in general when I became pregnant. I had somewhat of an idea regarding what parenting would take, but no one can really grasp it until they are living in the throes of it. While I was immature in quite a few areas, I did seriously consider my adoption decision, and still believe that I made it from a place of maturity.
No one can judge another’s level of maturity; however, you can self-assess how maturely you may be handling decision-making within your life. Making a decision like choosing adoption requires a woman to take an honest look at her life. Whether she was mature enough to make the decision before she was facing it seems to become irrelevant when it comes to facing it. I grew up very quickly when I had to face the decision for adoption. I just didn’t have the time or the energy to have anything but maturity guide my decision. I believe that when facing the decision for how to handle an unplanned pregnancy, and facing the option for adoption, a woman is essentially forced to mature in some capacity. While she may be making poor choices in her life and different aspects of it, an unplanned pregnancy will wake you up rather quickly to the reality of life. Maturing throughout the decision-making process for adoption is almost inevitable.
Not only is maturity required for the decision for adoption, but post-placement requires it as well. In post-placement, a birth mother may be dealing with an open adoption in which she communicates with her birth child and his or her adoptive parents. Regardless of whether the adoption is open or closed, a birth mother will still have to engage with friends and family members who may or may not have approved of her adoption decision. Choosing adoption, and dealing with an unplanned pregnancy, will very likely catapult a woman into a level of maturity that her peers may not have grasped yet. The most important relationship that requires maturity is the relationship that a birth mother has with herself. The choice for adoption ends up giving a woman a second chance in life, as opposed to keeping the baby and struggling. Making mature decisions is something that comes more naturally as one decides to start making them.
If you find you are in a situation, whether regarding adoption or something else, in which you need to make a mature decision, but you don’t know how, my suggestion is to seek informed wisdom. Talk to people you trust about your options. Do some self-searching to find out what you honestly desire the outcome of your decision to be. Consider how your decision could affect others. The bottom line is this: Choosing adoption is generally a highly mature decision to make. It takes a brave soul to choose to sacrifice herself for her child. I applaud all birth mothers and your maturity! ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
While not all prospective adoptive parents have gone through infertility struggles, a great many of them have. For them, it was often a journey of sadness and loss before they decided to turn to adoption. But even after they successfully become parents, their infertility struggle is many times still a prominent memory that they live with every day. That’s why October is Pregnancy, Infant Loss and Miscarriage Remembrance Month — a time to recognize the difficult feelings so many people experience not only during their infertility journey but also throughout their entire lives. Because so many of these parents keep their disappointment and loss to themselves, this awareness campaign aims to help destigmatize those feelings and memorialize those children and pregnancies lost early on. Pregnancy, Infant Loss and Miscarriage Remembrance Month was originally started by President Ronald Reagan in 1988 to recognize the importance of this issue for many Americans. About 15 to 20 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and, in 2015, about 3,700 infants died unexpectedly in the U.S. The organization “Remembering Our Babies” selected October 15 as Pregnancy, Infant Loss and Miscarriage Remembrance Day to memorialize losses through a candle-lighting movement. Organizers encourage people all over the world to light a candle at 7 p.m. in their time zone and keep it burning for an hour to create a continuous wave of light over the entire globe. But a candle-lighting event may not be the right way for every person to commemorate their loss. Because this topic is so personal to so many people, it’s important to mark this day by doing what’s best for you. Here are some ideas to consider:
As they should with any traumatic experience, it’s important that parents who have experienced a miscarriage or infant loss recognize the grief and sadness associated with this event. Refusing to acknowledge your feelings will only cause you more grief; an essential part of the emotional healing process involves accepting what you’re feeling, no matter how difficult it may be. That’s not to say that acknowledging your feelings means you will instantly feel better; this loss will always be a heavy one that you won’t — and shouldn’t — forget. However, taking steps to accept what is gone and moving forward with a positive outlook will be instrumental in your parenthood journey. If you’re having difficulty acknowledging and accepting your feelings, we encourage you to reach out to a trusted counselor to help work through these emotions in a healthy and positive way.
While it can be easy to let your negative feelings overcome you during this time, many parents find that doing something positive can help them find closure with the grief associated with this memory. While these actions may be bittersweet, it can help to know that you’re making something positive out of something negative — honoring your lost child with a beautiful action. You may choose to donate to a charity that supports infants and children and their families, or plant a tree whose blooms will remind you of the beauty in life. Some intended parents find closure in a memorial service or through symbolically releasing balloons or butterflies. Remembering Our Babies offers some more options here. Whatever you choose to do, make sure that it’s right for you, your family and your situation.
Unfortunately, there are far more people living with the grief and loss of a miscarriage or infant death than we may know. Because the subject of miscarriage and infant loss is still a taboo in some ways, many people have to find ways to cope with their emotions on their own, never knowing there is a whole community of other people who have suffered like they have. Pregnancy, Infant Loss and Miscarriage Remembrance Month was created in part to help people find those communities and resources they need. Many people host walks, ceremonies or other activities to raise awareness of this issue. Others decide to join infertility support groups and share their stories with others who have gone through similar tragedies. Only by spreading awareness and sharing information can more people know they’re not alone and know how to help those that have suffered this kind of loss. Whether you’re a parent who has suffered this loss yourself or a friend or family member of someone who has, we encourage you to take steps to discuss this important topic and shine light on something that receives far too little attention. For those feeling grief and sadness, a little kindness goes a long way. For more tips on how to commemorate Pregnancy, Infant Loss and Miscarriage Awareness Month, check out Remembering Our Babies’ website or speak to your local infertility awareness support group.
Every action has a reaction that follows. Whether you like the reaction or not, there are always going to be pros and cons to every decision that you make in life. Even something as simple as the food you decide to put in your body will have a negative or positive effect on you, depending on what you choose to eat. Relationships are a bit more complicated than determining your meal plan. You can control what goes into your body, but you can’t control the reactions of others to your own decisions. Free will is the greatest gift that we have been given. It is a God-gifted blessing, so that we can choose how to live our lives. Whether you believe God gave us free will, or if you believe in manifest destiny, the truth remains the same: Cause and effect are inevitable. The choice of adoption belongs to the woman who has conceived the child. While this may not seem fair to those who don’t agree with her decision, it is irrelevant since it is ultimately a birth mother’s choice to determine whether adoption is the best option. However, while there are great benefits that come with the choice for adoption, there are also consequences. Adoption is not a decision to be made lightly. Once finalization has occurred, the choice is final. The ramifications of the choice for adoption are significant, and should be given serious consideration before following through.
1. Birth mothers choose the parents who will raise her child. A woman who finds herself dealing with an unexpected pregnancy may already know the people who will raise her child. Perhaps she has known them her whole life, or perhaps fate has brought them together in perfect timing. Perhaps the woman does not know who she will choose to raise her child, but knows that adoption is the best, and perhaps only, option. Adoption agencies, adoption attorneys, and other sources are available for this woman to find the parents she knows will be the best fit for her child. Having a choice as to who will raise your child is an incredibly empowering realization and experience. 2. Adoption is an opportunity to give a child the best life they could ever have. I would think it’s fair to say that women who are facing an adoption decision are struggling in one or many more aspects of their lives. Whether it be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically or otherwise, the struggle is real. Facing an unexpected pregnancy before you are truly ready to parent can be incredibly terrifying. It’s hard enough to raise a child under the best circumstances, let alone poor circumstances. Choosing adoption means offering your child a life that you know you just couldn’t provide for them. It’s truly a sacrificial gift. 3. Peace of mind for the safety and security of your baby. Along with choosing the parents that your child will have and gifting them with a better life comes the benefit of peace of mind for your child. I remember always feeling so frantic that I couldn’t provide for my baby. After meeting his soon-to-be adoptive parents, I felt this sense of peace wash over me. It was breathtaking. I knew that my son would be safe and secure for the rest of his life. He wouldn’t be dependent on me anymore, but I didn’t need him to. I needed him to be dependent on people who could provide for him. Peace of mind is a priceless benefit of choosing adoption. 4. Another chance at life for a birth mother. Life is completely interrupted when it comes to an unplanned pregnancy. Absolutely everything changes when you find out you are expecting, let alone when you weren’t prepared to be expecting. A woman’s body changes, her hormones shift, her circumstances may look bleak, and relationships respond to the unexpected pregnancy for better or worse. The point is, when a woman becomes pregnant, her life changes. It will entirely shift the core of your being. Going from caring for yourself first to supporting the little life inside of you changes every single priority. Choosing adoption allows for an unprepared birth mother to have a second shot at life. It allows for more mature decisions to be made in the future, and it really is a wake-up call for those who are not walking a happy and healthy path. 5. Remaining in contact with the birth child. Choosing an open adoption allows for a woman to continue being in her child’s life without the legal obligations that comes with parenting. Depending on the level of openness and frequency of communication, a birth mother may genuinely feel fulfilled in her relationship with her child through an open adoption. Obviously there will be bumps along the road, and the waters will shift with the tide, but navigating through an open adoption is far from impossible. A birth mother who cannot parent but desires to have a relationship with her child may find an open adoption the ideal situation.
1. Experiencing intense and, at times, overwhelming emotions. There is just no way around it: choosing adoption is emotionally painful. Not only are you going to deal with grieving a loss related to your child, and perhaps the loss of others in your life who pulled their support, but you will also grieve losing the role of “mother” to your child. You may feel empty at times and lost. These wounds take time to heal, and no matter what you do to try to avoid it, eventually you will have to process these losses and go through the grieving process. 2. Birth mothers have no legal rights to their adopted birth children. Once finalization has occurred, the process of the adoption itself is over. There is no more room for a woman to change her mind or choose different parents. She has made a decision that she cannot change and that is to completely relinquish all legal rights to her child. 3. Going through the grief process in the long-term. Healing is a journey, not a destination. I chose adoption over seven years ago, and I am still walking a path of healing. At times, the negative feelings associated with grief surface for me. I have a hard time being around my birth son for long periods of time. My relationship with the adoptive parents is always evolving, as is the growing relationship I am developing with my son. There is no short-term solution for dealing with the grief. Once a birth mother, always a birth mother. 4. There is the possibility of regretting the choice for adoption. I hate to say it, but it’s true: While it’s rare, you may regret your adoption decision. I’m not going to sugar coat the truth and tell you that once you choose adoption, life is smooth sailing from there. Life is messy, at times it’s confusing, and sometimes it’s a rollercoaster ride. Throw choosing adoption into an already chaotic situation, and your life will either get better or worse depending upon the choices that you make. I have no regrets, but there are women out there who do. They felt pressured to make a decision they were not mature enough or equipped to make. Make sure when you are seriously considering adoption that you consult with an adoption professional or pregnancy counselor. They are equipped with the tools and information to help women who are dealing with an unplanned pregnancy to make the best decisions for themselves and their children. This is the best way to avoid regretting any decisions you may make while experiencing such a difficult time in life. 5. You may lose some relationships that are important to you. Not everyone is going to agree with your decision for adoption. There may be people in your life for whom you care deeply, but will cut you out of their life if you follow through with your adoption decision. This will only add to the aspects of choosing adoption that you will need to heal from. These relationships may be rekindled at a later date, but some of them may disappear forever. Remember, while the cons seem rather harsh, and potentially terrifying, healing is the right and responsibility of every birth mother. Healing is possible, and it can be a miraculous journey if you are dedicated to walking it. Trust me, I’m living proof.
Honestly, it’s crucial to assess your own personal situation. Take a genuine and truthful look at the different aspects of your life, including the emotional, spiritual, physical, mental and financial components, before you make an adoption decision. The cons of choosing adoption for your baby may outweigh the pros for you and vice versa. Whatever you do, make sure you are positive it is the right choice for you. If you don’t know if it’s the right choice and just cannot achieve some peace of mind throughout the process, then adoption may not be the best decision for you. However, if you feel a sense of peace for yourself and for the future of your child, then trust your instincts. Make yourself a pros and cons list for yourself regarding the choice for adoption. Keep it to yourself, or share with someone in your support system. Do you feel at peace about your decision? ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
In this season of “This is Us,” adoptee Randall and his wife Beth choose to pursue foster care. While there have only been two episodes of the season so far, they’ve managed to ask some of the hardest questions and bring up the most challenging issues surrounding this kind of family-building process. While both seemed on board with the idea of foster care at the end of the season premiere, one thought continues to make Randall second-guess their adoption decision: How can they successfully bring a child into their house who may have a history of physical, mental or sexual trauma? It’s a question that all prospective foster parents and parents looking to adopt from the foster system should ask themselves before they commit to this kind of family-building process. This is one of the biggest challenges of foster care — but, with the proper preparation and understanding, it doesn’t have to be the thing that ends your journey.
Unfortunately, every child who has entered foster care has experienced some kind of trauma. Indeed, the very act of being placed into the foster care system is traumatic, as children lose everything they know — their birth families and often their friends, teachers and peers — as they are placed in a completely different environment and community. In addition to this trauma, many children in foster care have previously experienced physical, mental or sexual trauma, which is often the reason why they are taken into foster care in the first place. How a child responds to this trauma will vary; it may severely impact their day-to-day life or only reemerge during triggering situations. In response, many children in foster care have developed unhealthy habits and behaviors in attempt to cope with these emotions and memories. For many who are unfamiliar with the foster care process, they think these habits are a sign that a child is a “bad kid” and, therefore, not capable of “being fixed.” This is the entirely wrong mindset. It’s important that any prospective foster parents understand the way foster children behave is not their own fault but instead a reflection of the harrowing situations they have been through. Foster children are not “bad”; they are good kids who have had bad things happen to them.
When you choose to become foster parents or adopt a child from foster care, your foster care agency or department of social services will work with you to prepare you for this placement. This includes providing you all the available background information about your foster child, the training you need to address some of the behavior issues that stem from their trauma, and more. The key to parenting a child who has experienced trauma is an understanding of what they are going through, physically and emotionally. A child wants nothing more than to be loved and accepted into a family, and the difficulty they have adjusting and opening up to you does not mean this isn’t true — just that their past makes it difficult to do so. It will take time and immense patience to help a child understand they are safe and loved and that the coping behaviors they had previously developed are not necessary in your care. Your foster care agency can help you prepare for parenting a child who is in this situation, but some important things to remember are to:
By learning more about parenting a child with trauma before you even start the foster care process, you will likely feel better about entering this period in your life. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your foster care professional or local counselors to help prepare for a foster care placement and ensure that this is really the best path for your family.
Foster care is a challenging but immensely rewarding way of changing a child’s life forever, which is the reason why Randall and Beth on “This is Us” chose to pursue this path. However, it’s only one that should be taken if you’re confident that it’s right for you and that whatever unknowns and challenges lie ahead are worth it based on your personal goals. If you want to learn more about parenting a foster child who has experienced trauma, please contact one of your local foster care professionals. You can also keep watching “This is Us,” as previews for next week’s episode show that Beth and Randall will soon welcome a 12-year-old foster daughter into their lives and cope with the new challenges she brings. You can watch “This is Us” online on Hulu.
There are a lot of posts out there about famous people who have adopted or famous people who are adoptees. What’s less known, however, is the number of famous people who have actually placed a child for adoption. Understandably, there’s a reason for this. The decision to place a child for adoption is a deeply personal one that some people may choose to keep to themselves — and that’s entirely their right. However, many in the adoption community wish to celebrate birth parents and their brave choice and, therefore, celebrate those birth parents that have used their platform to share their story and highlight the beauty of adoption. But, who are some famous birth parents? While there are likely more celebrities than we know who are birth parents, here are some of the people who have actually shared their adoption stories with the public:
Before the folk singer became famous, she was a 21 year-old poverty-stricken artist living in a Toronto rooming house. She found herself pregnant and, knowing that she couldn’t properly care for a baby, decided to place her child “born with the moon in Cancer” for adoption in 1965. Mitchell would go on to write a song about her baby girl, “Little Green.” While there was heartache on both sides of the adoption triad, Mitchell eventually was reunited with her daughter in 1988.
The “Orange is the New Black” actress placed her child for adoption in 1977 when she was starring on “Ryan’s Hope.” After her producers wrote her pregnancy into the show, Mulgrew kept acting while pregnant and worked with Catholic Charities to complete her adoption. While she didn’t receive any information about her daughter for 20 years, she did reconnect with her daughter in 1998. Mulgrew wrote about her experience for AARP, saying, “My daughter’s capacity for forgiveness is something I have never seen before in my life. That sense of abandonment was excruciating in her life. There is not enough time to make up for it, only enough time to love. We cried a lot. All we can do is move forward. So we do.”
The actress placed a child for adoption in 1971 when she was 18 years old, leaving her daughter information to find her when she turned 21 herself. However, a tabloid magazine unearthed her adoption documents, throwing her adoption reunion into chaos. Eventually, Barr reunited with her daughter: “We looked at each other, Brandi jumped out of her seat, and we started running toward each other. We embraced and wouldn’t let go of each other, hugging and crying,” Barr told People magazine. “I saw a lot of me in her. She’s intuitive, trusts her perceptions and feelings and listens to what’s not spoken. That’s how I’ve lived my life.”
After finding out in the early 1960s that his girlfriend at the time was pregnant, musician Crosby and the birth mother decided to place their son for adoption. It wasn’t until 30 years later that Crosby was reunited with his son, who also turned out to be a musician. Today, Crosby plays in the same band as his son, James Raymond, who described their relationship to Goldmine Magazine in 2014: “He likes to look out for me,” he said. “There’s certain facets of our relationship where he does get to be like a father figure. And then there’s times when it switches, and I’m kinda like the father. But it’s more like brothers in arms. We’re very close collaborators and really good friends. That’s more the dynamic.”
The comedian and “Taxi” actor and girlfriend placed their daughter for adoption in 1969 when he was a college student in Boston and his girlfriend was a high school student. While he died before his daughter could be reunited with him, she became very close with her birth grandfather and birth aunt and uncle.
Stewart placed his first child for adoption in 1963 and recently opened up about their reunion and relationship in the last decade. He expressed guilt about his choice for his daughter but also said their relationship has begun to improve the last decade, especially after her adoptive parents died. His daughter described their relationship to the Daily Mail: “At the moment it’s all baby steps, but whatever issues were there have all been forgotten, for both of us… It’s all water under the bridge now. It’s nerve-racking, too, but just as much so for him as it is for me.” Stewart would go on to write a song for his daughter’s birth mother: “Brighton Beach.”
Actress Ruehl placed a child for adoption as a young woman in 1975, knowing she didn’t have the capability to care for a child in her position. However, in 1996, they ended up reuniting. Her son is even the godfather of her younger adopted son. Ruehl described their first meeting to The New York Times, saying, “We just looked at each other and we laughed and we hugged each other. I thought I was going to cry. We just felt so shy, we just giggled.” For a full list of famous adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptees, check out American Adoptions’ list here.
As a little girl, I had baby dolls, doll houses and Barbies galore. I would daydream about being a mommy. In my adolescence, I suffered from debilitating menstrual pain, only to find out in college that I had endometriosis. The chances of me ever bearing children dropped to 50 percent. As a young woman who used to dream about being a mother, I was crushed. Fast forward to my early 20s, and I found myself pregnant. I was literally in shock. I was in college, independent, and had very little support.
When I was a mother, it lasted for six months. I was exhausted. I was living in a very difficult situation with very little support, and I just couldn’t continue to parent. Not only was I at my wit’s end, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to offer my son the future that I wanted for him. Adoption was the best decision that I could have made for us, but that doesn’t mean it was the easy decision.
I chose adoption seven years ago. It still hurts at times. The pain isn’t as close to what it was in the beginning, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t hurt. For example, I see mothers with their children, and I wonder if that will ever be me. Did I miss my chance at being a mother? It’s an odd sensation, because I don’t have regrets. But I am 30 years old and have yet to give birth again. I still daydream like I did when I was a child. Yet, the same question remains: Am I ready yet to be a full-time mother?
I wasn’t very young when I had my son, but I am ever so much more mature now. I still struggle with whether I am ready to be a mother again. I think back to what it was like when I had my son, and how difficult the pregnancy, and the loneliness, was. I am married now, but I still have fears and concerns that something could go wrong.
Perhaps the trauma never leaves you. Perhaps it will always haunt you to some degree. I guess the question is, how do you face the fears? Will I ever parent a child of my own again, or will I always be reminded of what I went through in my past? I am a stepmother and an aunt now to children that I would do anything for. Yet, the thought of having my own child again frightens me. Why?
My passion is in writing about spiritual healing. However, I did not get here overnight. I have kept a diary since I was young, and haven’t stopped writing since then. Writing is my most effective healing tool. Yet, no matter how much I write, or how far I have come on this path of healing, there is still more to go. I’d love to tell you that I understand why I am hesitant to have children again. I wish I had all the answers sometimes. However, if I knew everything, then how would I ever go on adventures? This life is an adventure, and I am always navigating some type of deep water. My life has not been easy, but I am still here and stronger than ever.
Today, I ask myself: Why am I hesitant to parent again? Do I feel that I owe my son something? Do I feel that I owe myself something? Am I afraid of failure? Do I see adoption as failure subconsciously? What is holding me back from deciding about parenting again? The truth is, I still have time if I decide to parent again. I am at least a decade away from having to truly make that decision.
In the meantime, I press forward on my path of healing. I do the best I am able to with what I know. I rely on my insight, wisdom and my faith for guidance. I have lived a lot of life in my 30 years, but there is still so much farther for me to go. I ask you to walk this path of healing with me. Ask yourself the tough questions about what you want for your life, and don’t give up when life becomes tough. I still feel lonely as a birth mother, but it has significantly lessened over time. Perhaps you can contemplate with me: Will we decide to have children again, and what will it take to make that decision? ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
It’s no secret that today’s families are busier than ever. With both parents working in the majority of two-parent households on top of children being in school and attending extracurricular activities, finding family time — even just a sit-down dinner together — can seem impossible. That’s why there’s a national effort to make those family dinners happen on Sept. 27, also known as Family Day. Family Day is a national campaign to promote family dinners as a way to connect with children and reduce youth substance abuse and other risky behaviors. After all, children whose families eat together have been found less likely to smoke, drink and use illegal drugs, not to mention have better family relationships than those who don’t have sit-down family meals every night. But, when you’re so busy with your and your child’s schedule, how do you find the time to come together as a family unit? While it may be hard at first, with time and effort, you and your family can fall into a routine of sitting down for dinner together, sharing your stories from the day and becoming a more cohesive family unit. Here are some tips to get started:
One of the reasons it’s so difficult for families to have dinner together is because of jam-packed schedules. However, when you want to make family dinner a priority, include it as a non-negotiable part of your schedule. For example, if you decide to have family dinners every Sunday at 6:30, any other activities that fall during that time must be rescheduled or missed. By planning out your family schedule each week, you can find a time when you all can sit down together to eat.
It’s hard after a long day of work to right away get to work cooking an expansive meal, especially if you have a bigger family. That’s why it’s important to start slow; find meals that will take only a half hour to make with minimal ingredients, or find recipes that can sit in a slow-cooker all day while you’re at work and be ready when you come home. The easier that you make your family dinner, the more likely you will be to follow through with it.
Even though modern families are bucking traditional gender roles, there can be an unstated expectation that one member of the family does all of the cooking, every time. This can quickly lead to resentment, which is the last thing you want to associate with your family meal time. Set another schedule that allows parents and children to both play a role in the cooking process, as well as cleaning up and setting the table, to make it fun and to divvy up the responsibility.
Family dinners should be about connecting with each other in person — not others through an electronic screen. Both children and parents should remove their phones from the table and make a pledge not to answer or check the phone if they receive a call or text. Whatever it is, it can wait. If you have a child who can’t stand not having some kind of stimulation, incorporate tabletop game like TableTopics conversation starters to make family dinners just as much fun as the newest version of Candy Crush.
Perhaps one of the most important parts of a family dinner is to cultivate positive, fun conversations that bring your family together. Make this an opportunity for everyone to talk about their favorite thing that happened that day, what they’re looking forward to tomorrow and anything else that they want to share. It can also be an opportunity for important (positive) family discussions — for example, talking to an adopted child about their adoption story. However, avoid any conversations that bring up negative emotions. The dinner table is not the place to talk about chores, punishment or any other less-than-fun activities. If a child or parent starts complaining about something at the dinner table, redirect the conversation. Tell them you’d be happy to listen to their thoughts after dinner is finished and the table is cleared. Creating a family dinner tradition can be difficult at first, but it’s one that provides so many benefits for all members of the family. That’s why it’s highly recommended for families to eat four or more meals together each week to promote bonding and family relationships — especially important for foster care and older adoptees who want to feel safe and accepted in their forever home. For more tips on how to start a family dinner tradition, check out the Family Day website and take the Family Day Pledge.
This week, the Permanency for Children Act was introduced to Congress. The legislation would connect fatherhood registries in 34 states with the Federal Parent Locator Service, creating a more efficient way to locate birth fathers during adoption proceedings. The National Council on Adoption has endorsed the bill, which was presented to Congress by Rep. Vicky Hatrzler (R-MO) and Rep. Annie Kuster (D-NH). “A responsible father registry is a voluntary database where birth fathers can proactively assert their parental rights for purposes of custody or adoption,” said Hartzler, according to a press release from her office. “Currently, these databases operate in 34 U.S. states. This legislation would link these registries to the existing Federal Parent Locator Service, thereby increasing the scope of searchable databases to better locate the fathers of children in custody or adoption cases.” If passed, this legislation would help to make sure birth fathers have rights in the adoption process as well as make it easier to find them, potentially speeding up any adoption proceedings. It should be noted that this bill also maintains all existing protections for a mother and her child in instances of domestic violence or sexual abuse.
