Earlier this year, the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention released its most recent study on the statistics of fertility and childbirth in the United States. As the year comes to an end, it seems fitting to look back on that study and see what it may hold for the year to come.
The report, which summarized statistics from 2016, had one interesting standout: Last year, the teenage pregnancy rate dropped for the 11th year in a row, for a total of 51 percent since 2007. Specifically, there were 20.3 births per every 1,000 teenager in the U.S. in 2016.
The results of this study may make people worry that a dropping teenage pregnancy rate may directly affect adoption — but does it really? And, if so, how?
National agency American Adoptions broke down the repercussions of this statistic to help prospective adoptive parents and those interested in the adoption process to know the facts behind this report and what it really means for adoption. You can learn more about it here.
Holidays can bring great joy or deep sadness. Some people live year-round just for the holiday season, while others could happily skip it. The sentiments revolving around holiday time have to do with past experiences that people have and the memories they have around holiday times. For a birth mother, the holidays can definitely prove to be challenging. There are so many emotions that swirl around choosing adoption for baby, and many of them can rear their ugly head around this time of year.
One of the toughest emotions I have had to deal with is loneliness. I had my son co-sleeping for six months, and I’ll never forget, after adoption placement, rolling over and there was no baby there. I felt awful. It hurt my heart so bad to miss my son in bed with me. However, over time, it became easier and I stopped rolling over to see if he was there. During the holidays, feelings of loneliness have come up as I am surrounding by other children, except for him. Except for my birth child. It used to eat at me. On Christmas day, I would watch other children in my family get excited to open presents from Santa, but I just couldn’t bring myself to partake in the joy. I felt so lonely and empty without my child’s smiling face. The first Christmas after placement was the hardest. However, I am actually looking forward to Christmas this year!
Grief is almost guaranteed when it comes to going through an adoption process as a birth mother. No matter how much you might want to escape it, it’s just there lurking. The best way to handle grief is to allow for its waves to come and go. In this way, the waves become less violent and frequent over time. Coming around to the holiday season, even many years later post-placement, may cause grief to sprout up again. Holiday pictures are something that I do with my family now, and my birth son is not in those pictures, as he is with his parents and his family. I miss seeing our faces next to each other’s in pictures. He looks like me. However, I get to see pictures of him around the holidays, and he is bursting with joy.
That’s another important emotion to hang on to: Joy. Joy is what fills your heart with pure love in the midst of despair. It brings with it a sense of peace. Knowing that your child is where they were meant to be, and happy and healthy, can bring tides of joy. I receive photo books from my son and his parents, and I love them. It reminds me of why I made my adoption decision in the first place, and I’m so grateful that my adoption is as open as it is.
The intricate beauty of these emotions is that they can be felt at any time in any place. Don’t let them dictate your holiday decisions, though, and don’t let the negative feelings take away the joy from the positive feelings. Stay close to your loved ones. Embrace the point you are at in your healing. Enjoy where you are and perhaps even be grateful that you will be even farther on your healing journey tomorrow.
~Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Firstborn children are natural leaders. Youngest children are charming and popular. Middle children are often overlooked.
We’ve all heard these theories about personality and birth order. And, if you’re hoping to adopt, you’ve probably also heard that birth order is a delicate structure that shouldn’t be disrupted.
But how much do adoption and birth order really affect each other? And, as a parent considering disrupting birth order through adoption, what do you need to know to successfully integrate your new child into your family? Should you pursue adoption or foster care out of birth order at all?
The answer: It depends.
Here’s what you need to know about birth order and adoption, as well as some tips to help you decide whether disrupting the birth order could work for your family.
In the past, adopting out of birth order was often discouraged, and some adoption professionals still do not allow hopeful adoptive parents to adopt a child who is older than their existing children.
However, researchers are starting to question the true importance of birth order in adoption. As adoption expert Dr. David Brodzinsky told Creating a Family, “When talking about adopting out of birth order, it is best to throw ‘always’ and ‘never’ out the window, and replace them with ‘sometimes.’”
In other words, adoption disrupting birth order can sometimes work, depending on each individual family.
If you are thinking about adopting a child older than your biological child or other adopted children, there are some things you can do to help make it a more positive experience for everyone involved:
Each of your children is going to grow and develop at their own pace. Avoid making comparisons, and allow each child to explore his or her own interests and strengths. Above all else, always ensure each child’s individual needs are being met, regardless of whether those needs are “typical” for the child’s age, and assign privileges and responsibilities based on capability and maturity level — not necessarily based on who is the oldest.
Many older children have experienced trauma by the time they are adopted, and this can result in special emotional, developmental and behavioral needs that must be met. If your adopted child has experienced abuse, it’s also important to be cautious and aware of how this may impact their behavior toward your younger children. Be educated and realistic about the potential challenges of adopting an older child, and be prepared to address them.
Often, the success of families that adopt or foster out of birth order comes down to each family’s unique dynamic and the personalities of the children involved. Gender, age and the number of children in the home may also influence a family’s ability to disrupt the birth order. For example, a family with a toddler adopting out of birth order may have an easier time than a family with school-aged children; most toddlers have not had time to develop a sense of influence as the oldest child in the family and are therefore less likely to struggle with transitioning to their new position in the birth order.
It’s always important to prepare your children for a new arrival, especially when you’re adopting out of birth order. Keep communication open with your children throughout your adoption process, and be positive and excited about the way your family is changing. Explain to your current children that their new sibling might need additional attention while they’re transitioning into the family, and remind your children that you will always be there for them whenever they need you.
Even with the best preparation, it’s going to take some time for everyone to adjust to their new position in the family. You may find that your existing children struggle to accept the adoption and their new roles, especially if they’ve been displaced as the oldest child. Similarly, it may take some time for your new child to find his or her place in the family, as well. Don’t be discouraged if you find your children “acting out” or regressing at first; it will take some time for everyone to adjust to your new normal.
Before and after the adoption, reach out to your adoption professional or another counselor for help, especially if your family is having a hard time transitioning. They can point you to additional resources and help you learn as much as possible about birth order when it comes to adoption. They may also be able to help you find adoptive family support groups and educate you about the services available to older children adopted from foster care in your state. Take advantage of these resources — you don’t have to go through this alone.
Adopting out of birth order can be challenging — but, when you have found the child who is meant to be a part of your family, you shouldn’t let those challenges stop you.
For hopeful waiting parents, facing an adoption disruption is a common concern — and, when it does happen, a heartbreaking experience.
While most adoption professionals do everything they can to prevent and protect families from experiencing a disruption, there is always the possibility that an adoption opportunity won’t work out. Because prospective birth parents can choose to discontinue the adoption process at any time until their rights are legally terminated, adoption disruptions inevitably happen from time to time.
When a disruption happens, it can feel like a devastating loss for hopeful adoptive parents. If you find yourself facing this situation, here are some things you can do to cope:
As one adoptive mom put it, “The birth mom and I had developed a strong connection over the past two months, and I just wanted her to know that we weren’t mad and we weren’t upset with her [when the adoption disrupted]. She fell in love with her child and wanted to be the mom… and we can’t blame her for that.”
Avoid this negative self-talk, and remember that in most cases, an adoption disruption is no one’s fault. Disruptions can be difficult to predict and often aren’t preventable. Be kind to yourself.
This is completely normal, and it’s okay if both partners aren’t immediately on the same page after an adoption disruption. Give each other time and space to process this experience in your own way. Keep communication open, and make sure you are both ready to take the next step before moving forward with your family-building process.
Some adoption agencies offer disruption insurance that returns any lost funds to you, so you can take as much time as you need to decide when and whether to search for another adoption opportunity. Other agencies may immediately “roll over” any lost funds to another adoption opportunity. Talk to your adoption professional about your options.
