Valentine’s Day is here, and love is in the air. This is the day to tell everyone how much they mean to you! Now, admittedly, you should tell everyone how much they mean to you every day. But, Valentine’s Day at least helps us remember to take some time to share our love with others. Love can be shown many ways. While you are searching for the perfect card for your spouse, partner, parents, grandparents, children, and other loved ones, don’t forget about other people for whom a specific card may not exist. If you are part of an adoptive family, be sure to include birth families this Valentine season. Here are some ways to show them how much they are loved:
Make this a tradition, because everyone will love seeing their child’s handprints grow and change from year to year. This can be as simple as white paint on a red construction paper heart, or a clay handprint made at a local pottery store. It will be treasured.
If you have a photo of your child and their birth family, find a special frame for it. Better yet, buy a second frame for your child to keep in their room, with the same photo. This will help your child appreciate the bond you share with their birth parents. You could also send a framed school photo to the birth parents, with a promise to send a new photo each year.
Can’t find a frame you like? Buy a plain frame and have your child decorate it. Include a photo, and again, make a point of updating it every year.
Flowers are a go-to gift on Valentine’s Day. Make it personal by delivering them in a vase decorated by you and your child. Again, a local pottery studio is a great place to make a personal, hand-painted treasure. You could also decoupage photos of your child on a vase. One more idea — have your child decorate a white ceramic vase with Sharpie markers. Put the vase in a cold oven, heat it to 350 and cook for 30 minutes. This will keep the permanent markers, well, permanent.
It is absolutely precious to hear kids’ reasons for purchasing what they do for you. Ask them what they would like to buy for their birth parents. This doesn’t have to be extravagant. Give them a few dollars and see what they decide. Odds are, they will have heartfelt reasons for choosing what they do.
Ask your child to pick their favorite story, and buy a copy for their birth parents. Have your child draw a picture or write a note to them inside the cover. Next time you talk to their birth parents on the phone, maybe they can read it to your child. No matter what you do, take the time to acknowledge your birth parents’ ultimate gift of love for you — your child.
Adoption is hard work. With the paperwork, home studies, and waiting to be matched, it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It helps to have as much support as possible along the way. When you need a quick pick-me-up, inspirational quotes are a great way to lift your spirits. They can also help you remember that you’re not alone in this journey — you are part of a bigger community of adoptive parents who have all been through what you’re going through. Here are some adoption quotes you can keep handy for those tough days:
-Unknown
-Fi Newood
-Robert Brault
-Leigh Ann Tuohy (mother portrayed in The Blind Side)
-Doug Chapman
-Valerie Harper
-Joseph Campbell
-Oprah Winfrey
-Sheryl Crow
-Christina Romo
“In open adoption, in which the birth parents and adoptive parents communicate directly with each other, the relationships have an opportunity to grow and develop, but first you must make a commitment to be involved with each other. To be committed to being deeply connected to each other before we feel completely comfortable in the relationship is highly unusual, but it is not without parallels. For example, in time of war, men and women in a military unit entrust their lives to their comrades without first building individual relationships. Typically, they emerge from the experience feeling a deep bond despite differences in backgrounds or values. Even if they see each other only occasionally in subsequent years, there is a depth to their relationship that time and distance will not erase.” – From The Open Adoption Experience, Lois Melina and Sharon Roszia, 1993
While engaged in reading this book, The Open Adoption Experience, I came across an interesting passage correlating the experience of the bonding between a birth mother and adoptive parents to the relationship between comrades in the military. I found this quite interesting, and since my husband is a veteran, I decided to explore this paragraph with him. My husband, a veteran of the second Gulf War, explained to me that the military breaks individuals down to create cohesion within the unit. The individual walks into the military with a sense of individuality. Throughout basic training, this individual is taught that he or she is no better or no worse than any other individual in the camp. Essentially, individuality becomes irrelevant as members are re-trained to become a cohesive unit.
“You’re only as strong as your weakest link,” relayed my husband. I find this profound and relevant to every relationship. Take, for example, a marriage: when one partner is weak and the other must be strong, the strong partner brings the weak back up to a level of strength so that the entire relationship can become strong. Take, for example, the relationship between a mother and a child. When a child is throwing a temper tantrum, the mother must encourage the child to come out of such a tirade to bring peace back into that household or moment.
This idea takes us a step further to relate to the saying: “United we stand, divided we fall.” While basic training teaches the unit to behave and think as a cohesive mind, soldiers end up in different training camps learning different skillsets so that they can function as a team, where each difference serves a purpose, and each purpose unites to serve one mission. While the color of their skin, their political agendas, and their religious beliefs may vary, none of those things affect their ability to serve their country when they are obeying the commands that they are given. In times of war, men and women of all backgrounds come together on the battlefield, implement their training, and behave and think as a cohesive unit. While they may be skilled in different areas, their mission is the same, and it is that mission that binds them. It is about the cause they are fighting for, and not the differences among them. It is about respecting the unit, not about catering to the individual.
This is absolutely like the immediate need for a commitment between a potential birth mother and potential adoptive parents. While individuals come from different backgrounds, the mission is the same: to give that child a safe and healthy upbringing and life. The intentions that commence must be cohesive, and in times when the child needs all parents, they must behave as a cohesive unit to achieve their mission. Choosing adoption has many facets, and while there are resources available to help guide the process, there is no drill sergeant orchestrating the entire process. There is a mediator, perhaps an adoption agent, but the responsibility of maturity lies on the shoulders of the adult parties involved. I am referring to the potential birth mother and the potential adoptive parents. For any party considering adoption, I share this passage from The Open Adoption Experience and the experience of my husband as a veteran to relay the following: Open adoption is a long-term commitment that requires potential birth parents and potential adoptive parents to behave and think as a cohesive unit to achieve the ultimate mission: ensuring the wellbeing of the child. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
There was a time when adoption was a closely-guarded secret, known only to a few close family and friends. Today, it is just another way to begin a family, and a big cause for celebration! After months, possibly years, of mulling over the decision to adopt, it is only natural to want to scream it from the rooftops once you’ve finalized your plan. But how should you make that announcement? Today, pregnancy announcements are often carefully planned proclamations, often involving photographs and props. Adoption announcements should just as exciting. No matter how parenthood comes to you, it is a big deal. Share your news! Here are a few fun ways to announce your adoption:
Reciprocity is when both parties engage in a relationship. If you give honesty, you get honesty. If you are receiving transparency, give transparency. In the relationship I have with my son’s parents, this concept was defined from the start. That’s always the best place for it: in the beginning of the relationship. It is the beginning of a relationship that the rest of the relationship will be built upon. Set a great foundation from the start, and watch as respect and reciprocity blossoms going forward.
When meeting with a potential birth mother for the first time, she will hopefully be as honest as possible about what she is looking for in adoptive parents. I’m the kind of woman who likes to get straight to the point, and I don’t believe in wasting time. There is no point, in my opinion, in pretending to be something you are not when the issue at hand goes so deep and is so crucial. After all, we are talking about providing a life for a child, and I take that very seriously. Searching for the family that will raise her child is not something a birth mother takes lightly, and my advice to birth mothers is to be prepared to cover some hard topics within the first meeting. My advice to adoptive parents includes doing the same and keeping in mind that while this may feel like the most intense interview if your life, it isn’t about that. It is about finding the right fit for the child and the birth mother so that as the relationship moves forward, there is reciprocity, respect, honesty, and transparency.
The foundation that my son’s parents and I have built is strong, and for almost seven years, it has endured and strengthened. We are a family. My hope is that you find the same. I pray that adoptive parents remain patient and honest as they go through the journey of meeting their child and that child’s birth mother. My faith is strong these days, and I truly believe that just because we gave birth to a child, doesn’t mean we were meant to raise them. When adoption is the best choice, it is not a choice to be taken lightly. This is a decision that a birth mother will live with forever. I have watched from afar as my son has grown up with the same values that his mother assured me she would raise him with. I have heard his manners over the phone. I have seen pictures of his genuine smile. I have listened to stories about the friendships he is developing and how intelligent he is. He travels, participates in sports, and goes to a great school. He knows he is loved. He is secure. All of these things are what I couldn’t fully give to him, and now he has them.
My son’s parents, and the life that they are providing him, were worth the wait in my adoption story. Don’t settle for less. As adoptive parents, your actions will speak louder than words, and I’m positive that the birth mother will see and appreciate your patience. Overcoming the wait is something that speaks volumes to the character of a person, especially when it comes to desiring to become a parent. Let your potential birth mother know about what you have gone through and how dedicated you are to raising a child. If her values and desires seem to match yours, then perhaps you have found her.
I would rather act for the long-term when it comes to something like adoption, rather than thinking in the short-term. What I mean by this is that a relationship of a lifetime is being established upon your first meeting. While there will be bumps in the road, the mutual respect and transparency that will be created will help to endure and navigate those bumps. I have worked through bumps in the road with my son’s parents as we traverse the unchartered waters of our relationship. We define boundaries when necessary, and respect them once set. We adapt to changes as our son grows up, and we consider his needs above all of our needs. The open agreement has been maintained, and I am soon to look forward to another bundle of photographs with an update. I love receiving updates, and I cherish the moments when I interact with my son and his parents, whether it be in person or via phone. Remember the golden rule from scripture: “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” – Matthew 7:12 ESV ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Parenthood is not for the faint of heart. From the moment you find out you’re going to be a parent, you’re in for an adventure. Each day brings something new, something different. There will be joys, and there will be challenges. It is the ride of your life. While all parents face similar highs and lows, each family is unique, with its own set of ups and downs. But being adoptive parents brings a whole new set of challenges that biological parents don’t always have. Here are some struggles that adoptive families face, and ways to alleviate the stress. Overcoming infertility – Adoptive parents may have already faced loss and disappointment due to complications with infertility. They may struggle with feelings of jealousy toward others who can have a baby biologically. Regardless of the circumstances, adoptive parents need to have their feelings acknowledged and addressed before taking on the stress of the adoption process. They can turn to support groups or individual therapists. Adoptive parents need to understand they are not alone in their struggles with infertility. Understanding the adoption process – The adoption process can seem cumbersome and overwhelming at times. There are many decisions to be made, from the type of adoption to pursue, to what to do when you have been matched with a child. The home study process can seem especially daunting. A good adoption agency can help you manage the process and provide emotional support through every step of the journey. Again, adoptive parents can turn to support groups for a sense of community and answers to their questions. It is so helpful to talk to other families who have been down the same road. Waiting for a placement – To some adoptive families, this is the hardest part. It is important to keep life as normal as possible during this time. Keep your regular routines, because once the adoption is finalized and your child is home, life will be anything but regular. Along with your normal activities, make time for stress-relieving activities, like exercise, pampering, time with friends, time for hobbies, a glass of wine, whatever. It may seem like not much is happening during the waiting, but the stress of waiting can take its toll. Handling post-adoption depression – This is similar to post-partum depression. After months of anticipating parenthood, the finalization of the adoption may lead to a feeling of letdown in some parents. The reality of parenthood sinks in, and the stress may be heightened by a lack of sleep, possible behavior issues, or even troubles bonding with the new child. In some cases, these feelings resolve themselves after life settles down and the family gets into a routine. If the depression continues, peer support or help from a therapist (especially a professional with experience in adoption issues) can be extremely helpful. Again, parenthood is tough, and adoptive families have added issues that birth families don’t face. Find your “village” and know you aren’t alone. It is a roller coaster of emotions, but it is WORTH it.
The first time that I met my son’s adoptive mother, I was blown away by her transparency. I believe she was blown away with mine as well. So here is my tip to potential adoptive parents: be transparent, honest, and open-minded.
I wrote an article on this same topic for birth parents, so the content was different but the message is the same: It is crucial to create a foundation of transparency and respect for all parties when meeting for the first time. This is a relationship with a goal to persevere through changes, and adapt when necessary. The best way to ensure that such challenges can be met, in my opinion, is to commence the relationship appropriately. Everything else will fall into place from there.
The first time that I met with my son’s mother, I was impressed by how genuine and kind she was. I brought up hard topics, and she answered them honestly. The topic that I remember bringing up vividly was the foundation of values on which my son would be raised if she were to become his mother. My son’s soon-to-be mother explained that she would instill values in him, like respect, manners, and kindness. She expressed how foundational such values were in her marriage already. She communicated that growing up, she was raised by these values and wanted her child to have the same values instilled in him or her. I could tell that she was being genuine. The transparency of her responses and the evidence of her respect for my concern did not go unnoticed. She didn’t know it at the time, but I knew then that she was meant to raise my son and become his mother. Later that week, I met my son’s father. He was quiet for the most part, but when he did speak, it was with confidence and honesty. He showed me pictures of his family, their dogs, and relayed to me how much he wanted to be a father and how crucial it was for him to raise an upright child. This is exactly what I was looking for. This couple was kind, respectful, didn’t shy away from the tough questions, and was open with me. I knew they would give my son the life I truly believed he deserved to have and that I wanted so badly for him. On the day that my son’s parents met my son, his mother gave me a necklace with a compass on it. I welled up with tears. I knew she meant what she said and respected me. Although it was beyond pain I have ever felt when I watched them drive away with our son that day, I also felt immense amounts of relief knowing that my son would be safe, secure, and have the best life that any child of mine could have asked for. My son was going home to be with his parents, and I was ever so ecstatic for him.
I think it is important that adoptive parents keep in mind the following: Just because you are meeting a birth mother and want a child, does not mean that it will be the right fit. I think it is more important to find the right fit than to rush into a situation. I know that some adoptive parents have waited years to meet their child, but I believe deep within my heart that every adoptive parent and child who is meant to be together will find their way to one another. I also believe that a birth mother needs and deserves a good fit with her child’s parents, and sometimes, finding the right fit can take time. I have heard too many horror stories to believe that rushing into a potentially bad match is worth it. It is crucial that birth mothers and adoptive parents have a mutual respect for one another, and this can be established in the first moments of meeting. While it may sound like my opinions put a lot of pressure on the first meeting, I don’t believe so. Basically, my suggestion is to just be yourself. Don’t pretend to be something you aren’t. Trust that the birth mother you are meeting has some idea of what she is looking for in adoptive parents, and that she has the child’s best interests in mind. If it’s not a good fit, and your values don’t parallel one another, then perhaps this is not the relationship that Divine Intervention has in store for you. God Bless You in your journey, and just like I tell birth mothers on the path of healing: Don’t give up. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
The arrival of a new child is always cause for celebration. What expectant family doesn’t look forward to a shower, celebrating their baby-to-be? It is a rite of passage these days. When parents are growing their family through adoption, they can benefit from a shower as well. Adoptive parents deserve just as much love and support as birth parents. However, the typical rules may not apply when planning a shower for adoptive parents. It can be difficult to organize, because often with adoption, the parents may not know the gender, age or arrival date of their child. So, before scrolling through Pinterest for baby shower ideas, here are some things to consider:
Some families may worry that having a shower before the child arrives may “jinx” the adoption, or it may seem insensitive to the birth mother. Regardless of reason, make sure the family wants a shower before planning it.
Whether domestic or international, adoption timelines are often uncertain. Maybe the family wants to wait until the adoption is finalized. Maybe the family needs help preparing their house for their new child. They can let you know what works best for them.
Not all families adopt an infant, nor do they always know if they’re getting a boy or a girl. Be very specific on the invitation, so guests can bring appropriate gifts. And on the topic of gifts…
Encourage the family to register, regardless of the age of the child. Target and Amazon offer “wish list” registries, in addition to a typical baby registry. If the family knows they are adopting a newborn, think of items they’ll need the minute they bring baby home. This will be like a typical baby shower. However, if an older child will be joining the family, encourage them to register for age-appropriate items, whether it be books, toys, clothes, or even furniture for their room.
A shower doesn’t have to be overflowing with pink/blue/yellow décor, nor do you have to plan typical baby shower activities. If the adopted child is from another country, maybe incorporate some of their heritage into the festivities. If the shower is occurring after the adoption is finalized, consider a “sip and see” event, where the family brings the child to the party. Circling back to the timing of the shower, make sure the family has had adequate time to settle in with their child before introducing them to the masses.
For new parents, consider having guests write down parenting advice in a scrapbook. In lieu of a card, ask guests to bring a storybook, either about adoption or a childhood favorite. Parents will be looking for opportunities to bond with their child. If the parents have not requested specific gifts, guests can bring gift cards to restaurants, museums, movie theaters…any venue that will help the family create memories. No matter how parenthood comes to a family, it’s a miracle worth celebrating.
The institution of adoption, and open adoption, is still a fairly new concept in the United States. In the 1980s, we saw a new option of open adoption emerge. This has transformed the scandal of what used to be the hidden adoption into the birth of a new relationship with a new family. With the political climate at an all-time dramatic high, I think it’s common that we find ourselves asking questions that are founded in one of our most basic concerns: “What is important to us?” In this country, we have seen so much hate lately rise up and take hold, that I think it’s important to remember what is good. I am aware of the political climate that surrounds adoption, and I am floored by the hate that surrounds this issue as well. For those who have a problem with the idea of adoption and being a birth parent, I say this: “Adoption is NOT the problem.”
Saying adoption is the problem is like saying that any other noun is the problem in the world. It is an option, a choice, but it is what we do with it that can be a problem — not the thing in and of itself. I have an open adoption, and I have had an open adoption for close to seven years. I have seen highs and lows in the relationship between myself and my son’s parents. Yet, I have never regretted my choice. As a birth mother, I spent time feeling incredibly lonely and confused in regards to the emotions that took hold of me when I chose adoption. I had immense amounts of grief to process, and I lost relationships that were dear to me in the process. What I have learned since then has been absolutely pivotal in my life: “Healing is a choice.” In reference to those on their death beds, pining over what could have been, Bronnie Ware wrote: “Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”
As birth mothers, we face one of the most difficult choices anyone ever faces: choosing adoption. We all have choices to make every day. Some choices are more critical than others. While choosing happiness may seem like a smaller choice when it comes to the scale of choices we make every day, I think it is rather large when you look at the full scope of it. Choosing happiness means so many vital things to everyday life. Happiness will help us make positive decisions, bring good things to our lives, and guide us to more healthy choices. We can all choose to be happy. Here are a few tips to help you choose to be happy in your everyday life:
All of these factors are within your control and can help you feel happier overall — even despite external influences.
Let me be clear, I am not referring to those who suffer from depression or other mental health conditions that would actually chemically impact one’s ability to choose happiness. As a sufferer of depression, it took me years to find the right medication that would correct a chemical imbalance and actually allow me to choose happiness. So if you find that you want to choose happiness, but are perpetually unable to, perhaps it is time to consult with a doctor.
I know from experience that happiness is a choice, just as healing is a choice. By choosing a path of healing, I have chosen happiness. Misery loves company, but do you really want to hang out with old ghosts? Consider these questions for choosing happiness:
I truly believe that every birth mother has a choice to be happy. When adoption is truly the best option, healing is an option as well. No matter how miserable you are now, I know that it will get better for you if you put in the effort to make your life better. Also, remember, feelings are temporary and always change. Don’t rely on them to dictate your choices. Push past your feelings in order to find the desires of your spirit, and most importantly, remember: You are not alone. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
If you are a single adult and you have no serious criminal record or history of abuse of children, then more than likely, you will be able to adopt a child. This is a rising trend, particularly when it comes to adoption. In 2011, nearly one-third of adoptions from foster care were completed by unmarried people, including single men. But while the law is permissive regarding single people adopting, there are certain cultural and institutional biases that can affect the ease with which single people can adopt. Fortunately, society has become increasingly accepting of single people raising children on their own. All adoptions in the State of New York require a home study, which usually includes an interview with the particular adoption agency you choose to utilize. The Court will also need to approve of the adoption in order for it to become finalized. As a single person, there will be certain questions and scenarios that you should anticipate and offer solutions for. Some questions the authorities will ask are:
A single person adopting must be prepared for these questions — more so than a married couple. You will also need to show that you are financially able to care for the child, since you will most likely be a working parent, bringing home only a single income. None of this is meant to discourage you from adopting a child, but simply to make you aware of the inherent suspicion from the courts concerning the ability of a single parent raising a child all on their own. The adoption home study can feel invasive — a social worker will inspect your house and ask personal questions about your family and friends. It is important to remember that the state is relinquishing care and control of a child to you, and the best interest of the child is of paramount importance to the courts. While these questions and studies can feel uncomfortable, it is all done to ensure that the parent and child are set up to have a successful adoptive familial relationship. If you are seriously considering adopting a child as a single person, there are many factors for you to consider, including how it will affect your future dating life (including the possibility of marriage). It will certainly affect your finances and free time. Seeking out the advice of a licensed, competent attorney will go a long way in answering any questions you might have, as well as allowing you to fully consider all of the implications an adoption might have on your life. In the event that you find yourself facing any of these questions, please do not hesitate to contact Zurica Law at 917-538-3670. We will be happy to assist you in answering your questions and representing your interests.
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Anthony Zurica is an Attorney specializing in Adoption Law and a guest writer for Considering Adoption. Based in New York City, Anthony stands by his clients as an ally and friend during the entire process of adoption, from application to successfully becoming a parent. Although adoption can be an emotional and oftentimes lengthy process, Anthony is committed to being there every step of the way, 24/7. Dedicating his life to inspiring optimism and encouraging patience, Anthony works closely with individuals and families. Furthermore, Anthony is a proponent and advocate for LGBT families. Anthony also volunteers as a CASA (court-appointed special advocate for children), and is on the junior board of the New York Foundling, a charity that that empowers thousands of children and families to live independent, stable and fulfilling lives throughout NY. Find out more and feel free to get in touch through his website, www.nycadoptionlawyer.com, Facebook, Twitter or LinkedIn.
