Dearest Younger, Lonely, Lindsay Arielle, Do not give up or lose hope while you are going through the process of adoption. I Offer Hope There are so many things I wish you knew while you are going through this. I desire to give you hope as you go through the transition of being a custodial mother to a birth mother. I know that you love your son. I know that what you are doing is selfless. I know that what you have done is brave. I know that you feel as if you have lost everything, and that you will never feel better. It’s not true though. It is a lie from the enemy that you will be in pain forever. This Too Shall Pass I wish you knew that it will get easier. I wish you knew that holding on to hope is more valuable than you are capable of understanding right now. The pain will ease up, and things will get easier. I promise. Not only will the pain lessen, but the joy will increase exponentially. A Gift? This is a gift. I know that sounds crazy. How could putting your son into the arms of another be a gift? It’s a gift because it offers you and him a new life. Your son will be able to live a normal childhood with two parents who love him as much as you do. They will treat him with respect and honor, and he will have everything you wish you could have provided for him. Purpose? There is purpose in this. You will find that as time goes on, the loneliness will, at times, rip you into shreds. Yet, you will start to pick up the pieces and come upon crucial revelation: you are not alone. There are so many birth mothers who suffer silently in pain. There are women who keep their adoptions to themselves, those who have been disowned as you were, and those who desire to find healing but don’t even know where to begin. You will help them. You will be a light on their path of healing. You are being called to greater things, and one day, you will help other birth mothers to heal. Job I wish you knew that Job wanted to give up too. “I am weary of my life and loathe it! I will give free my expression to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.” – Job 10:1 Job lost his children, his wealth, his health, and he wanted to give up on himself, his faith, and his life. Yet, Job’s friends stood by his side and encouraged him to continue on in his faith. While he suffered great losses, God never left his side. Job made it through. Jesus Loves Us I wish you knew Jesus, and that He died for you so that you could be relieved of this pain. I wish you knew how much God loves you, and that he will never forsake you. I promise you that throughout all of your times of doubt, Jesus will lift you up into His throne room and you will know Him as your Savior, whether you can believe it or not. Dearest, lonely Lindsay… do not fear. “For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.” – Jeremiah 29:11 Love, Older and Somewhat Wiser, Lindsay Arielle ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
The U.S. Department of State has proposed new rules regulating intercountry adoption, which, if implemented, could drastically impact hopeful parents’ ability to adopt children abroad. These new regulations would:
You can read the full proposed rule at the Federal Register. A petition requesting that the proposed rules be withdrawn has already gained nearly 13,000 supporters. Help save international adoptions by signing the petition at www.SaveAdoptions.org.
The Government of Liberia has notified the U.S. Department of State that the following agencies are now authorized to provide adoption services in Liberia:
It is essential that parents hoping to adopt from Liberia work with an adoption service provider authorized by the Liberian government. The agency should have current U.S. accreditation or approval or be under the supervision of a U.S.-accredited or approved adoption service provider. For up-to-date information on adoptions in Liberia, please visit the U.S. Department of State.
On September 16, Ghana signed the Convention on the Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect of Intercountry Adoption Convention (Hague Adoption Convention). The Convention will enter into force for Ghana on January 1, 2017. The Department of State will post additional Ghana adoption information as it becomes available. Find more information about the Hague Adoption Convention here.
The Peruvian government has announced a suspension of all domestic and international adoptions pending an internal review of adoption procedures and cases over the past five years. Peruvian officials say this review stems, in part, from concerns related to post-adoption reporting compliance. The Department of State is working with the Peruvian Central Authority to seek more information on the terms of the suspension and to address concerns involving adoptions to the United States. For updated information, continue to monitor adoption.state.gov.
The Department of State issued a statement Friday discouraging U.S. families from beginning the international adoption process in the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC). Despite the Congolese government’s recent approval of exit visas for some children in exceptional circumstances, the exit permit suspension for adoption remains fully in effect at this time. There are no exceptions to the exit permit suspension for adoptions by relatives, prospective adoptive parents of Congolese descent, or any prospective adoptive parents who intend to take their child out of the DRC for the purpose of immigration, even where one parent maintains Congolese citizenship. The suspension will remain in effect until new adoption laws are passed and enacted. The Congolese government has not provided a timeline for when such laws might be passed. The statement also noted that the Department of State continues to advocate for families whose already adopted children have not received exit visas. Questions or concerns about the DRC exit permit suspension can be directed to ExitPermitSuspensionDRC@state.gov, or 1 (888) 407-4747 from inside the United States or (202) 501-4444 from outside the United States.
Where did I come from; the dreaded question that all children eventually ask. As if the birds and the bees weren’t complicated enough, let’s add talking about the fact that a child has been adopted into the mix and not forwarding the message onto the stork. But, what if it didn’t have to be complicated? How many families these days are nuclear? How often do you actually see an original two parent household? I’m not from one, and I don’t know many people who are. So, what do we do? I’ve got a great idea; let’s stop treating the non-nuclear family as if it isn’t a family in the first place. Let’s start talking about where we come from and all the people who actually comprise a family through the one tie that binds us: love. You want to know how children thrive. It’s through love! And how do they understand that love; by being treated with it. Dorothy Nolte was a family counselor who wrote a poem describing this idea: those children learn what they are taught by learning through what they live through. If parents live like adoption is normal, then children will see it as normal. Here is her poem:
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal. If children live with sharing, they learn generosity. If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness. If children live with fairness, they learn justice. If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect. If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
The main reason that I chose an open adoption was so that my son would never have questions that went unanswered. Whether he asks me or his adoptive parents, we have answers because we aren’t trying to hide the truth. My son is adopted. He has twice the family, which means he has twice the love and support of a child who was born into a family. If we stop behaving as if adoption is weird, and we stop acting uncomfortable when we talk about adoption, then we will teach our children, whether they are adopted or not, that adoption is totally okay. We will teach them that there is more than enough love to go around. And maybe even more importantly than that, we will teach them that their love is enough to go around. I firmly believe that adoption should be not only accepted, but encouraged in situations when it is truly the best option. So, let’s stop condemning, and start empowering our children. It’s not just those who have been adopted, but those who see children who have been adopted who need to know that this is an empowering thing. Teach all children that adoption is beautiful and we will raise a generation of adults who believe that adoption is beautiful. Children know what they are taught to know. If we teach them that adoption is weird, then that is what they will grow up thinking. It is much easier to teach a child something right out of the gate than to re-train your thinking as an adult. We look at the world through filters that we create and that are taught to us as children. It is very difficult to overcome such filters as an adult. And while everyone has to get over their childhood, shouldn’t we start making it a little easier? Just because we were raised in a generation that thinks adoption is out there, but happens infrequently, doesn’t mean we can’t teach our children that accepting it should come naturally. Imagine what kind of society we would live in if adoption was considered a normal thing. Consider the fact that is that responsibility of parents to raise educated, empowered, and independent thinkers. Jim Taylor, writer for Psychology Today and Ph.D. states: One of your most important goals as a parent is to raise children who become independent and self-reliant people. Certainly, in early development, your children count on you. As infants, they rely on you for nourishment, cleaning, and mobility. As your children grow, they become more independent in these basic areas of living, but still depend on you for love, protection, guidance, and support. As your children reach adolescence and move toward adulthood, they become less reliant on you and gain greater independence in all aspects of their lives. This process of separation prepares your children for the demands of adulthood. But this progression toward adulthood is not inevitable and is often stymied by well-intentioned, but misguided, parents. Parents, what are we teaching our children? “Children are like wet cement; whatever falls on them makes an impression.” ~ Haim Ginott ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
I was given my first diary when I was about 11 years old by my mother. I took to it immediately. Since then, I have written in a diary or a journal almost every single day of my life. The benefits have been unbelievable. I have the ability to think through a complete thought process, talk things out in my head, and I don’t have to bottle up emotions because they all go in my journal. Utilizing this tool throughout the process I went through as a mother and as a birthmother has enabled me to process emotions that I wouldn’t have otherwise been able to process. My journal is a safe place for me, and it was especially crucial that I had a safe place when I felt like I was going through the adoption all by myself. I highly recommend expressive writing to anyone, especially someone who has been through a traumatic event. If you have never written in a journal before, start by asking yourself a series of questions to prompt a thought process, and then write down everything that comes to mind. Some questions you can ask yourself are:
It’s very typical in therapy for a therapist to ask you, “And how does that make you feel?” So, if they are doing it to help us, why can’t we do it to help ourselves? Another tip I have for journaling is to read meditation books, whether religious or not, and write about what you think about the meditation that you just read. Some questions you can ask yourself about a meditation or positive affirmation are:
I could go on and on, but for those who are new, the above suggestions are a great start. So what have the benefits been for me in the long-run from journaling? Here are some of the ways my creative expression has paid off:
For those who have been active in keeping a journal, I’m sure that you have received great benefits from it, just as I have. I would love to hear about others’ experiences in journaling, as I have never heard of a bad experience in creative expression. If writing in a journal isn’t your thing, find another creative outlet to express yourself. We have to work through the feelings if we want them resolved, so let’s put pen to paper and start processing! ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Recently, Citizens Bank has begun a partnership with the National Adoption Foundation (NAF) to help families finance their adoptions. The partnership will give hopeful families easier access to adoption loans. The National Adoption Foundation has been working since 1993 to provide affordable options for families across the country. This new partnership offers a flexible loan program. In addition, Citizens Bank will be making a $100 to NAF for every loan made through their organization. Norman Goldberg, head of NAF, said the following to Business Wire: “Having Citizens Bank as our partner, with their flexible adoption loan program, gives us every confidence the financial needs of the adoption community can now be served in a fair and timely manner. And most importantly, this lets prospective parents to focus their attention on what really matters – the creation of their families.” Find more information at the Citizens Bank site. Sources:
As I lay me down to sleep, I dream of my son before I wake, His eyes, his hands, his smile, A happy momma does he make.
I pray his blessings flow abundant, I know he smiles big, As his life is filled with love, Deeper in this dream I dig.
Friends, girls, college and more, He has a future so full, I fall deeper into this dream, Closer to my heart strings he pulls.
Until my dreams become surreal, And a nightmare begins, Reminded of all the pain, When it was just me and him.
All alone, yet they were there, Family tends to stay close, But no matter how much I asked for help, They stayed back and kept their pose.
Screaming at the Lord, my God, To relieve me from the sorrow, And then I finally heard Him answer, “Do not fear the morrow.”
And if I die before I wake, No matter how bad the dream, I know my son is safe, For on his parents he can lean.
The nightmares comes, and then they go, Temporary like always, Yet as the sun rises in the sky, From dreams I will always wake.
I dream of my son often. Sometimes, I do not share these dreams with anyone. They belong to me. We have special moments together in my dreams. Even though I cannot be with him often in reality, life is different in my dreams. I love dreaming about him. To me, it is our secret place. I wonder if he dreams of me? Sometimes, my dreams turn into nightmares. And that is okay too. Nightmares and dreams are a way for our subconscious mind to process emotions and experiences. Just remember that they are not real. We must be realistic with ourselves in terms of what our reality is, but it doesn’t mean we can’t feel good also. It is okay to have dreams about our children. They are normal. Enjoy them. I know that they may not mean anything to anyone else, and that is okay. They matter to me. So if you have something personal and special that reminds you of your child, enjoy it! “You know what’s good about a dream? You can be with people who are impossible to be with in reality.” ~ unknown author It’s okay. Go ahead and dream. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
