The holidays are a time of good cheer and celebration — family and friends come together in the spirit of the season to make memories, exchange gifts and carry on special traditions. But for birth parents who are not spending the holiday with the child they placed for adoption, the holiday season can also bring difficult feelings of grief and loss. If you are struggling to stay upbeat this holiday season, know that you are not alone. Here are four suggestions to help you manage difficult emotions during the holidays after you’ve placed a child for adoption.
Even after you’ve moved through the grieving process, difficult feelings often resurface during the holidays. Whether you need to turn down an occasional event invitation or step outside during a holiday party to take a few deep breaths, there is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to be alone and acknowledge your loss — but it is important not to isolate yourself entirely. Consider joining a birth parent support group, or confide in a close friend or family member who can be your support throughout the holiday season. Recruit someone who will understand if you’re feeling less-than-festive and who can stay close by in case you need encouragement, distraction or a caring confidant during a holiday get-together.
While you might not entirely feel up to a night of caroling or a day of shopping for holiday gifts, getting involved in the season’s festivities may help you get into the holiday spirit. Make plans to spend the holidays with family and friends, or give back by volunteering your time at a local charity. Bake holiday treats and deliver them to friends and family. Carry on old traditions and begin new ones. Scheduling these activities in advance will give you something to look forward to and will help keep you active and involved in the celebration.
If you have contact with your child and the adoptive family, send a holiday card or letter letting them know you are thinking of them during the holiday season. Tell them about your own holiday plans and the family traditions that you’d like to share with your child. While you may not be able to physically celebrate together, exchanging letters and photos can become a new, special holiday ritual that you share.
While it may by painful to think of your child spending the holidays without you, it may also help to think of all of the love and joy they are surrounded with this holiday season. Remember your reasons for choosing adoption in the first place and the important role your choice played in making the holidays so special for another family. The parents you chose for your baby likely waited a long time to celebrate the holidays with a child of their own. You gave them, and your child, the most precious and selfless gift that they could ask for — a gift that will endure not only for this holiday season, but through every holiday season from now on.
Your baby’s due date is written on your calendar, and you are counting down the days until you finally become parents. You are busy preparing for the new baby, thinking about names, decorating the nursery and dreaming about all of the things you will do together as a family. Your dreams of parenthood are finally within reach — until you get the devastating news that your baby’s prospective birth mother has changed her mind and decided not to continue with her adoption plan. This is referred to as an adoption disruption, and it happens in an estimated 10–25 percent of cases. You knew that the birth parents could change their minds up until the papers are signed and, depending on the state, for a revocation period following relinquishment. But you didn’t know how heartbreaking it would be until it happened to you. An adoption disruption is a very real loss, complete with feelings of grief and sadness. If you are struggling to overcome an adoption disruption, here are four suggestions for how to cope:
Remember that every situation is different, and there is no wrong way to handle an adoption disruption. Cope at your own pace. And when you are ready to try again, know that your experiences throughout your adoption journey, good and bad, are leading you to a happy ending.
The world of adoption can be complex and confusing for those who don’t live in it. From the different types of adoption to the adoption process to adoption language, there is so much to learn — and many people don’t know where to start. If you have experienced the joy of adoption firsthand, you can help spread adoption awareness. Simply sharing your story with others can help them gain a better understanding of adoption, but if you want to take it a step further, try some of these fun ideas for educating others about adoption:
This is list is a fraction of the many exciting ways you can promote adoption. What other methods can you think of?
Adoption can be an exciting and rewarding experience — but it’s also a big commitment that requires plenty of time, energy and patience. How do you know when you’re truly ready to begin the adoption process? There are several factors to take into consideration as you determine if and when adoption is right for you. If you have been considering adoption, here are five signs you’re ready to take the leap:
1. You have fully accepted and moved on from infertility. Infertility can be a difficult situation to accept, and it is normal for couples to experience a period of grief and loss. Before beginning your adoption journey, it is important that you and your spouse have both moved through the grief process and have fully embraced the decision to adopt. Try talking with an infertility or marriage counselor to help you through this process and ensure you are both ready to fully commit to adoption.
2. You know you can love a child that’s not biologically yours. Adoption can be an amazing way to realize your dreams of becoming a parent and sharing your life with a child — but it will not satisfy dreams of being pregnant or giving birth. Before you pursue adoption, you have to be certain that you are ready to love and accept an adopted child as your own, regardless of where he or she came from biologically.
3. You have the resources to care for a child. You will need to prepare an adoption budget to cover adoption agency fees, medical costs, legal expenses and more, and ensure you have the financial stability to raise a child and support a growing family. It’s also important that you are mentally and emotionally prepared to care for a child and have the time and energy to dedicate to parenthood.
4. You understand and are ready to commit to the process. The adoption process can be long and, at times, difficult. Completing a home study, waiting for a match and meeting prospective birth parents can be overwhelming — but these should be seen as exciting steps to becoming a family. If you are considering adoption, do your research and reach out to an adoption professional for more information. Make sure you are comfortable with the process as you begin your adoption journey.
5. You know that it will all be worth it. Adoption has its challenges and frustrations. You will experience many ups and downs throughout the adoption process, but know that in the end, you will get to start your next rewarding journey as a parent — and that makes it all worth it.
Please read the following to learn more about the three requirements of getting started with adoption.
When many people think of adoption, they think of traditional orphanages — or the negative stereotype of traditional orphanages, involving underfed and mistreated orphans crammed into a crowded children’s home. The truth is that this view is inaccurate, at least in the United States. Traditional orphanages are largely extinct, having been replaced by modern foster systems, adoption practices and child welfare programs. While orphanages still play a role in international adoptions, these institutions are no longer involved in U.S. domestic adoptions, which now usually take the form of private infant adoption, stepparent or relative adoption, or foster care adoption.
Traditional orphanages began closing in the United States following World War II, as public social services were on the rise and child welfare reformers began advocating for a formal foster care system. These reformers argued that foster care was a better alternative because of the personalized care and individualized attention the children could potentially receive in a foster home. By the 1950s, more children lived in foster homes than in institutions, and by the 1960s, foster care had become a government-funded program. Since then, U.S. orphanages have been replaced by modern boarding schools, residential treatment centers and group homes, though foster care remains the most common form of support for children who are waiting for adoption or reunification with their families. These programs serve all types of families and children who need support, and children enter into the foster care system for a wide variety of reasons — not just because they are orphaned. In fact, most children in foster care have at least one living biological parent.
Today, domestic adoptions primarily occur in one of three ways: a child is adopted from the U.S. foster care system, as an infant in a private adoption, or as a relative or stepchild of the adoptive parents.
While orphanages are no longer a part of any of the above forms of adoption, they do still play a role in international adoptions. There are an estimated 18 million orphans around the world currently living in orphanages or on the streets. However, not all children in orphanages are adoptable, and not all will qualify as an orphan under U.S. immigration law, which can limit the child’s ability to immigrate to the United States. In many countries, orphanages are sometimes used as temporary homes for children whose parents are experiencing financial hardship or are otherwise temporarily unable to care for them. Adoptive parents should do careful research and only adopt from reputable organizations handling international adoptions. While traditional orphanages are a thing of the past in the United States, there are plenty of children in need of loving, stable homes — both in the U.S. foster care system and in international orphanages.
Your friend, daughter, sister, neighbor or coworker has just confided in you about one of the most difficult experiences she’s ever faced: not only has she recently learned of an unplanned pregnancy, but she is thinking about placing the baby for adoption. It can be overwhelming to receive such big news from someone close to you, and you may not know how to react or how to help her. As your friend or family member navigates her pregnancy and the adoption process, here are five ways you can support her:
1. Listen. As simple as it sounds, sometimes the best thing a friend can do for a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy is to be there and available to listen, without judgement and without interjecting advice. Let her know that you will be there for her when she is ready to talk, and that while you may not fully understand what she is going through and you may not know what to say, you can lend a caring ear.
2. Stay unemotional. It can be difficult not to let your own feelings get in the way of helping your friend or family member. If your young daughter is facing an unplanned pregnancy, you may feel anger, sadness or disappointment. If your friend is pregnant, you may be excited about the baby and disappointed that she won’t be keeping him or her if she chooses adoption. Remember that however you’re feeling, her emotions are likely even more intense and overwhelming. This is ultimately her choice, and the best thing you can do is express your love and support, regardless of how you’re feeling.
3. Learn. As your friend does her research, you can learn about adoption (as well as her other options) along with her. Help her find the accurate information she needs, and familiarize yourself with unplanned pregnancy advice and adoption process information. The extra effort will let your friend know that you’re dedicated to helping her through every step of the process, and she will feel less alone when she needs to talk to someone who has some knowledge on the topic.
4. Offer your involvement. Let your friend know that you will be there for her through every step of the process, and ask her what you can do to help. Offer to accompany her to doctor’s appointments, help her find an adoption support group, or simply ease the burden of an everyday task by cooking a meal. She will appreciate the gesture of support — just be sure to follow through on any promises you make.
5. Keep her busy. When a woman is facing an unplanned pregnancy, it may feel like the rest of her life stops and her whole world revolves around her adoption decision. Take time to relax, have fun and laugh together. Treat her to a ritual or activity you enjoyed together pre-pregnancy, like shopping or going to a favorite restaurant. Remind her that her life isn’t over, and that while it will be difficult, you will get through this together.
While it can be incredibly rewarding, adoption is also hard, and no amount of support can completely wipe away difficult feelings. But for pregnant women considering adoption, adoption counseling and support services can sometimes help ease the burden. Wherever you are in your adoption journey, if you are experiencing emotional difficulties, know that you don’t have to go it alone. You are entitled to adoption counseling services, which can be beneficial in a number of ways. Here are just a few benefits of working with an adoption counselor:
They may be able to connect you with a local adoption counselor or support group in your area, and they can also help facilitate ongoing contact with the family as needed. No two adoptions look the same, and expectant mothers vary greatly in the type and amount of support they need. You may talk with your counselor regularly through every step of the process, or you may only check in on occasion when you have a question or are facing a tough decision. It’s entirely up to you to decide what type of relationship you’d like to have with your counselor — just know that they are always there and ready and willing to help.
