Home » Birth Parent » Daydreams of Motherhood – Thoughts from a Birth Mother Daydreams of Motherhood – Thoughts from a Birth Mother As a little girl, I had baby dolls, doll houses and Barbies galore. I would daydream about being a mommy. In my adolescence, I suffered from debilitating menstrual pain, only to find out in college that I had endometriosis. The chances of me ever bearing children dropped to 50 percent. As a young woman who used to dream about being a mother, I was crushed. Fast forward to my early 20s, and I found myself pregnant. I was literally in shock. I was in college, independent, and had very little support. I’ve Experienced Motherhood When I was a mother, it lasted for six months. I was exhausted. I was living in a very difficult situation with very little support, and I just couldn’t continue to parent. Not only was I at my wit’s end, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to offer my son the future that I wanted for him. Adoption was the best decision that I could have made for us, but that doesn’t mean it was the easy decision. Adoption Is Not Feeling-Free I chose adoption seven years ago. It still hurts at times. The pain isn’t as close to what it was in the beginning, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t hurt. For example, I see mothers with their children, and I wonder if that will ever be me. Did I miss my chance at being a mother? It’s an odd sensation, because I don’t have regrets. But I am 30 years old and have yet to give birth again. I still daydream like I did when I was a child. Yet, the same question remains: Am I ready yet to be a full-time mother? Will I Ever Parent Again? I wasn’t very young when I had my son, but I am ever so much more mature now. I still struggle with whether I am ready to be a mother again. I think back to what it was like when I had my son, and how difficult the pregnancy, and the loneliness, was. I am married now, but I still have fears and concerns that something could go wrong. Perhaps… Perhaps the trauma never leaves you. Perhaps it will always haunt you to some degree. I guess the question is, how do you face the fears? Will I ever parent a child of my own again, or will I always be reminded of what I went through in my past? I am a stepmother and an aunt now to children that I would do anything for. Yet, the thought of having my own child again frightens me. Why? Authoring a Path of Healing My passion is in writing about spiritual healing. However, I did not get here overnight. I have kept a diary since I was young, and haven’t stopped writing since then. Writing is my most effective healing tool. Yet, no matter how much I write, or how far I have come on this path of healing, there is still more to go. I’d love to tell you that I understand why I am hesitant to have children again. I wish I had all the answers sometimes. However, if I knew everything, then how would I ever go on adventures? This life is an adventure, and I am always navigating some type of deep water. My life has not been easy, but I am still here and stronger than ever. What Is My Hesitation? Today, I ask myself: Why am I hesitant to parent again? Do I feel that I owe my son something? Do I feel that I owe myself something? Am I afraid of failure? Do I see adoption as failure subconsciously? What is holding me back from deciding about parenting again? The truth is, I still have time if I decide to parent again. I am at least a decade away from having to truly make that decision. Live in the Present In the meantime, I press forward on my path of healing. I do the best I am able to with what I know. I rely on my insight, wisdom and my faith for guidance. I have lived a lot of life in my 30 years, but there is still so much farther for me to go. I ask you to walk this path of healing with me. Ask yourself the tough questions about what you want for your life, and don’t give up when life becomes tough. I still feel lonely as a birth mother, but it has significantly lessened over time. Perhaps you can contemplate with me: Will we decide to have children again, and what will it take to make that decision? ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families. Daydreams of Motherhood – Thoughts from a Birth Mother Five Reasons to Take Advantage of Adoption Counseling ServicesWherever you are in your adoption journey, if you are experiencing emotional difficulties, know that you don’t have to go it alone. You are entitled to adoption counseling services, which can be beneficial in a number of ways. Here are just a few benefits of working with an adoption counselor.Learn More Five Ways to Support a Pregnant Friend Considering AdoptionIt can be overwhelming to receive such big news from someone close to you, and you may not know how to react or how...Learn MoreDo Orphanages Still Exist?When many people think of adoption, they think of traditional orphanages — or the negative stereotype of traditional orphanages, involving underfed and mistreated orphans...Learn MoreFive Signs You Are Ready to Start the Adoption ProcessAdoption can be an exciting and rewarding experience — but it’s also a big commitment that requires plenty of time, energy and patience. How...Learn MoreSix Ways to Educate Others About AdoptionIf you have experienced the joy of adoption firsthand, you can help spread adoption awareness. Simply sharing your story with others can help them...Learn MoreCoping with an Adoption DisruptionYour dreams of parenthood are finally within reach — until you get the devastating news that your baby’s prospective birth mother has changed her...Learn MoreFour Ways to Handle the Holidays After PlacementThe holidays are a time of good cheer and celebration — family and friends come together in the spirit of the season to make...Learn MoreFour New Year’s Resolutions for Adoptive ParentsAs you begin the new year, consider setting adoption goals and making adoption an even bigger priority in your life.Learn More Get Free Info