Dealing with Birth Mother Adoption Doubts and Fears – Thoughts from a Birth Mother

I remember the moment that I knew I was going to follow through with adoption. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that adoption was the right decision for my son. I knew that the six months we were together as mother and son were coming to an end, and a new chapter for us as birth mother and son was about to start.

I did everything I could to try to provide for my son while I had him, but being a parent was incredibly overwhelming for me — and I just didn’t have the energy to keep pushing forward anymore. It was time for me to make a change for both of us, and that change was to give my son a better life with different parents.

While I didn’t have any doubts about my adoption decision, I had plenty of fears that I would come to face during and after the adoption process. If you find you are facing your fears throughout your adoption process, then I applaud you. If you have heartfelt doubts about your decision, then I advise diligently searching your own heart to find your peace in the answer to the question: “Is adoption the right choice for myself and my baby?”

A Doubt vs. A Fear

Before I go into the implications of a doubt versus a fear, let’s go ahead and define the two terms. According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, the definition for doubt is:

“Uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making.”

The Merriam-Webster’s definition of fear is:

“An unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.”

The difference between a doubt and a fear may seem small, but the implications between the two are highly relevant when it comes to making a decision like adoption.

A doubt is an uncertainty —  regarding something we can’t seem to be 100 percent confident in. A fear is something we experience — an emotion. Doubt is a state of being, while fear is an indication.

Either way, if you are experiencing doubts or fear regarding your adoption decision, it’s time to get out the pen and paper and start looking honestly at them. If you find that you have fears, know that you can overcome them. However, if you find you have doubts, this may be an indicator that your adoption decision needs reviewing.

Trust Your Motherly Instincts

I am a firm believer that an adoption decision belongs to the woman who is facing the decision — and no one else. I have heard plenty of stories in which birth mothers weren’t sure of their decisions, but perhaps a parent or a birth father pushed them into adoption when they weren’t ready for it. If you have the ability to disengage from others and really ask yourself what you want, then please do it.

From the moment we find out we are with child, a woman’s motherly instincts kick in. We know better than anyone else what is best for ourselves and for our baby. If you find that you cannot face your fears, or if you find doubt too overpowering, then perhaps it’s time to really listen to those motherly instincts. The only person who can answer the question of whether or not adoption is the right decision is the woman facing that dilemma.

What If I’m Making the Wrong Decision?

This is the hardest question for any woman considering adoption to face. I wish I could answer it just to help ease some pain, but I can’t. No one else can, either. This decision is entirely up to the woman making it, and it is up to her to answer that question honestly for herself.

The best advice I can give is to search diligently within yourself for the answer. List out your doubts. List out your fears. Take an honest look at the situation you are facing and ask yourself then, “Is adoption the right decision for me and my baby?”

Remember, adoption is a selfless act committed out of love. If you have fears moving forward, that is normal. I have had plenty of fears I have faced in my healing journey.

Fears are normal. Doubts can be normal, too. If I could give you one key indicator that you are making the right decision by choosing adoption, I would tell you that in my case, the decision brought with it a sense of peace. It may do the same for you.

The peace that I found from choosing adoption came from the first day I met my son’s adoptive mother. When our eyes met each other, I saw hope for the first time in a while. Even better, after I met my son’s father, I knew without a doubt that I was making the right decision. I still face my fears head-on these days, seven years later, but I have no doubts that I made the best decision for my son by choosing adoption.

I pray that you find the peace you need to make your own adoption decision. Always remember, prospective birth mothers, that the adoption decision belongs to you and no one else. Search yourself honestly for your doubts and fears, and hopefully you will find some peace along the way, indicating the right choice for you and your baby.

-Lindsay Arielle

Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.