Evaluating Your Emotions When You “Don’t Want” the Baby

Are you an expectant parent with thoughts like, “I’m 4 months pregnant and don’t want to be,” or “I’m 7 months pregnant and don’t want my baby,” or “I’m expecting a baby and don’t want it?”

If you are, then please don’t feel negatively about these thoughts. Instead, focus on the positive thought that adoption could be a realistic option for you and your baby at any stage of your pregnancy.

Exploring the Challenging Emotions of Adoption

A potential birth mother can have all sorts of negative thoughts about herself and her baby pinballing through her mind.

I know firsthand what this experience can be like as a woman who did choose adoption for her baby. I want to encourage you to explore your thoughts and your emotions if you are considering adoption because you don’t want your baby or because you don’t want to be a parent. It takes courage to sift through negative thinking to get down to core emotions that can cause us to feel poorly about ourselves, or our baby, or our pregnancy situation.

Let’s explore some of the negative emotions that come along with “not wanting my baby,” or “not wanting to parent,” or “not wanting to be pregnant.”

Perhaps I can alleviate some of the negative connotations with these emotions and help you focus on what a powerful and selfless gift adoption really can be for you and your baby.

Overwhelmed

It is normal to feel overwhelmed when we find out we are pregnant but weren’t planning or expecting it. Feeling overwhelmed can take our focus off solutions and keep us stuck in a problem we are facing.

However, simply acknowledging that we feel overwhelmed by pregnancy news can be enough, sometimes, to lift us from a place of negativity to a solution-focused train of thought.

You can think of it in these steps:

1. Admit the overwhelmed feelings exist,
2. Acknowledge the thoughts that hurt you,
3. Then choose to look at the possible solutions in front of you.

Shame

Shame is one of the ickiest feelings I have ever experienced.

I think of shame as an internal degrading in which my thoughts tell me I have screwed up and there is no coming back from such a mistake.

Shame can cause any person to spiral into a whirlwind of self-hatred if left unchecked. If you are feeling shame because of thoughts like, “I don’t want my baby,” or “I don’t want to be a mother,” then I encourage you to recognize it.

Admit that shame is affecting you, and give yourself grace by allowing for those thoughts to be considered as just that: they are thoughts. Thoughts are not facts, but we need to challenge those thoughts, so they don’t feel so real.

For example, instead of giving into shame, try saying to yourself: “I am not ready to parent, and I am brave to consider a decision for my baby and myself like adoption.” Or, “It takes courage to face shame, and I know I am not alone in considering adoption.”

See how you can reframe shame to be a positive affirmation for yourself?

Unworthy

It is very common for women to struggle with feelings of “less-than” or “unworthiness,” whether facing an unexpected pregnancy or not. As it is, we seem to hold ourselves to higher standards than even Hollywood would bear upon us. However, I encourage you to give yourself grace and receive an affirmation of love:

“Your decision for adoption makes you an amazing mother, not a bad mother!”

Women who chose adoption for their babies are not less-than others. We are not even greater than others.  We are MORE than enough in ourselves and don’t need to compare our decisions to other women’s lives and choices.

All women are beautiful, and choosing adoption is an option we can look at as a gift we are giving to our child instead of a choice that will lead to a demoralizing level of womanhood. We are all human and it takes courage and strength to admit our own shortcomings. Admitting we are not ready to parent, or that we are not in a financial or emotional place to raise a baby, does not make us unworthy of life or future parenthood. It makes us human.

We are brave. Birth mothers typically tap into a level of bravery that many people are never faced with.

Considering Adoption for Your Baby

If you are struggling with thoughts like “I’m expecting and don’t want my baby,” or “I am pregnant and not wanting to parent,” then please allow me to encourage you to consider adoption for your baby.

Choosing adoption may bring emotions that feel negative, but we can always turn it around into a positive if we want to. Feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, and unworthy are normal negative feelings and thoughts that you may experience, but you can always re-form them into a positive and self-loving affirmation.

Remember: If you live in the solution, the problem goes away.

Perhaps a selfless and loving solution for you is to choose the gift of adoption for your baby. If you would like to explore your emotions surrounding not wanting your baby and discuss the option of adoption, please call (800) ADOPTION to speak with an adoption professional. Someone is available 24/7 to talk with you, no strings attached, no pressure involved.

Remember always that you are never alone! God Bless!

-Lindsay Arielle

Lindsay Arielle is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption more than a decade ago. Over the years, Lindsay has chronicled her post-placement healing walk via her writing to share her experience, strength and hope with other birth mothers on their own paths of healing. Lindsay’s blogs boldly reflect that, “Healing is a journey, not a destination.”