I’m sure you have heard the quote; “United we stand, divided we fall.” What an appropriate quote for the life of a birth mother.
I was all alone when I made the decision to put my son up for adoption. There was nowhere for me to turn. My decision was made regardless of how painful it was. My son was with his family, the ones he was always meant to be with. There was no one left in my corner since I had been disowned by almost everyone that I loved. It was just…. me. My son was gone, my family wasn’t to be found, and my friends didn’t understand.
I have a Master of Art’s in Organizational Management with a specialization in Project Management. One thing that I know how to do is research, and I did my research. I searched and searched for resources that would help support me and guide me in my journey of healing. Of course, it didn’t feel like healing at the time; it felt like complete and utter despair and unending pain and suffering. So with all of the research that I did, what did I find?
I found pockets of resources on random websites. Every website had something different to offer, but none were united to encompass everything that a birth mother goes through. Some of the websites looked promising at first glance, until I realized that they were inactive. I sent out messages, sought out friends on the Internet, and was let down time and time again.
Adoption and birth parent support for me? Where? Almost nothing to be found…
I went to a support group once and felt like I didn’t fit in at all. Coloring pictures and making macaroni necklaces was not my idea of in-depth healing for a birth parent. I needed substance, depth, understanding, encouragement, and most of all, someone to tell me that what I was going through was normal and that I wasn’t alone. What did I expect to find? I expected to find answers, help, anything that would ease the pain.
I still felt all alone….
This is not the experience a birth parent should have after putting their baby up for adoption. This is not the experience anyone should have to go through after a traumatic event. Trauma affects us all in different ways, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t all need the same amount of support. Support is paramount in the process of healing.
My stance on healing as a birth parent is grounded in the relationship that I have with myself, my God, and my son. I believe that everyone has a right to heal in their life from whatever pain that they may be going through.
My reason for focusing on the healing of birth parents is evident in the fact that I am a birth parent. As you read my blog, and get to know me better, it will be obvious that I believe that healing is also the responsibility of a birth parent. I believe this because, ultimately, it is what is best for the child.
Adoption is a selfless decision, and so is healing. It is much easier to hold on to pain than to work through it. Yet, if we chose to focus on the pain, what kind of future can we have for ourselves, and potentially what kind of future relationship will we be able to provide for our children and loved ones?
I have an open adoption, which means that I have contact with my son and his parents. And while I will go into more detail in later articles about the nature of our relationship, I can tell you this much: being in pain does nothing to help him grow and understand where he came from. Healing, and being joyful about where my son is, is ultimately what is best for him. As a parent, I will always consider what is best for my child first. So, while I may not have legal or physical custody of him, he has my heart, and I want him to have it whole and healthy. If he ever needs anything, I am here for him. And if he doesn’t ever need anything from me, I still need something for myself and that is to love myself.
Our right to heal is important, but our responsibility to heal is crucial to not only our children, but to ourselves.
I recently listened to a sermon in church about unity. There were scripture quotes outlining how crucial it is to remain united, to remain selfless, and to remain humble. The sermon was given by a woman. Of course, I felt empowered, but I also felt a bit alone.
I have been on a mission for years to reach out to other birth mothers. I have constantly been searching for support and understanding. I have been looking for other women who understand my heart. Sometimes I wonder where they all are hiding. The opportunity that I have been given to blog for ConsideringAdoption.com is not something I see as a personal quest for greatness and fame. This is an opportunity for me to continue in my own healing and play a part in the healing of others. This is an opportunity for us to meet each other and support one another.
Whether you were referred to this website or stumbled upon it on your own search for healing, I hope it eases the load. I know that having a united front of support is crucial in healing, and I know this because I didn’t have it. Consideringadoption.com has reached out to me, and will continue to reach out to all of us. We can come together here and share with one another, laugh with one another, cry with one another, and be joined in our common bond.
It’s not just what happened to us that bonds us. It’s not just a decision that we made one time that bonds us. What truly bonds us is that we are all searching for a way to live again. We all want to be happy, healthy, and whole, and it takes support and encouragement in order to do that. Let that be what bonds us!
It is my hope that together we will stand united in loving our children, loving one another, and helping those who feel as alone as we may have to find comfort and companionship. I also hope that we are able to educate those who may not understand how truly beautiful adoption really is.
I want to hear from you. I want to know that you are out there. I don’t want to feel alone anymore, and I don’t want you to have to feel alone. Let’s come together so we don’t have to go it alone!
Welcome to ConsideringAdoption.com, where birth parents matter too even after the fact. You are not alone, and if you are feeling alone, please let us help you.
Resources, support groups, articles, and blogs… use all of your resources to help you begin the healing process. And remember, healing is not only a right, but a responsibility
“We are each other’s harvest; we are each other’s business; we are each other’s magnitude and bond.” – Gwendolyn Brooks
– Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.