A recent vote on an amendment by the House Appropriations Committee would allow taxpayer-funded adoption agencies and child welfare organizations to refuse service to gay couples based on the organization’s religious beliefs.
While some states, such as Kansas and Oklahoma, have recently passed similar bills at the state level, this would be the first national legislative action against LGBTQ adoption rights. Specifically, this amendment would make it permissible for child welfare providers, such as organizations working in the foster care system, to refuse service to LGBTQ people on the basis of their sexual orientation. The vote passed by a margin of 30-22.
Additionally, the bill would punish states that refuse to offer this protection of religious beliefs. States that support LGBTQ rights would likely push back at the state level, but the amendment includes a 15 percent cut in federal funding for child welfare services for any state who takes such an action.
The language used in the bill protects organizations “sincerely held religious beliefs or moral convictions.” The amendment’s author, GOP Rep. Robert Aderholt of Alabama, was straightforward when translating what this means.
“The reason for this is simply because these organizations, based on religious conviction, choose not to place children with same-sex couples,” Aderholt told CNN.
There are other groups who could be impacted by this legislation, too. Because some religious organizations believe that divorce is a sin, previously divorced individuals could be refused services on the basis of religious beliefs. The same applies to interfaith couples whose beliefs contradict those of the organization, as well as single-parent households who are unable to provide a traditional two-parent family.
The bill passed the Republican-controlled House Appropriations committee, but it still has several steps left before it turns into law.
Research has shown again and again and again that children raised in loving LGBTQ-households show no signs of different development from children raised by opposite-sex parents. For decades, false ideas about LGBTQ parents supported discrimination against LGBTQ couples in adoption. Recently, that trend has been reversed. This amendment, many say, would be a step in the opposite direction.
“Any Member of Congress who supports this amendment is clearly stating that it is more important to them to discriminate than it is to find loving homes for children in need,” said David Stacy, director of government affairs at the Human Rights Campaign.
In addition to harming LGBTQ couples who dream of growing their family through adoption, an amendment like this neglects research that shows a disproportionate level of youth in foster care are LGBTQ. Because LGBTQ youth are over-represented in the foster care population and LGBTQ parents are more likely to adopt, this amendment ignores the best interests of the children and parents. It cuts in both directions.
You can contact your local representative to express your opinions on this proposed bill. Join us in letting them know that research supports LGBTQ adoption, and that the well-being of children who need families should be the highest priority.
Whether you are interested in foster care adoption, international adoption or private domestic infant adoption, you may be considering the possibility of adopting siblings. You may have always wanted a big family, and the chance to adopt multiple children at once can seem like the perfect way to help you achieve that goal quickly.
However, like any parent who decides to have multiple children, you will need to consider some important things before choosing this path. While parents who have or adopt single children can often space out the additions to their family, if you decide to adopt multiples, you won’t have the same time they do. Instead, you will likely be presented with an adoption opportunity for multiple children only months or weeks before the children are placed in your home.
It’s always a good idea to speak at length with your chosen adoption professional about the realities of adopting twins or a group of siblings. Whatever adoption path you take, there are a few common things to think about:
It makes sense: More children require more money. When you are presented an opportunity with siblings, you may be required to pay more for the care of those children and the associated legal fees for their adoption. The exact amount you may expect to pay will be determined by your adoption professional.
Therefore, if you are considering adopting siblings, you should speak at length with your adoption professional about their fees for such situations. That way, you will understand what extra fees you might expect to pay — and whether this adoption path is financially feasible for you.
Approximately two-thirds of the children currently in foster care also have a sibling in foster care, whether or not they are placed in the same home. Siblings in foster care can include full or half-biological siblings, step-siblings, or even non-genetically related children who are bonded to their foster siblings. For those children located in the same foster home, they will likely need to be adopted together when their parents’ rights are terminated.
This is for many reasons — mainly because these sibling groups have a tight bond and separating them would be emotionally devastating. The majority of adoption professionals today believe that maintaining sibling relationships are in the child’s best interests, and there may even be state laws upholding those processes. In fact, there is a federal law — the Foster Connections to Success and Increasing Adoptions Act — which requires states to make reasonable efforts to maintain sibling connections in order to receive federal funding.
Parents who choose to adopt from foster care will always have the ability to decide how many children they are open to adopting, but they should also be aware of the hard-to-break connection between siblings in foster care. As long as it’s in the best interest of all involved, siblings must be adopted from foster care as a package deal.
Twins are only conceived naturally about 2 percent of the time. Consider the small percentage of women who end up placing their children for adoption, and you can see how rare it is that a woman pregnant with twins places her children with an adoptive family.
If you choose to pursue private domestic infant adoption, your adoption professional will likely ask you if you are comfortable adopting twins. Even if you are, you won’t be presented just twin adoption opportunities. It’s far more likely that a prospective birth mother pregnant with one baby will choose you than a prospective birth mother pregnant with twins.
Whatever adoption path you choose, your professional will work with you to create a list of preferences for potential adoption opportunities — including whether you are open to adoption situations with multiple children. You must answer this question before you go active with your agency, as it will determine what opportunities are presented to you.
If you decide you are open to multiples and later change your mind, it can cause issues and delays in your adoption process, especially if a prospective birth mother has chosen you in private domestic infant adoption. Therefore, before deciding on adoption of multiples, make sure this is the right path for your family.
Raising two children at once will require a great deal more time, energy and money than raising a single child. If you decide this is the right path for you, you will need to have the proper resources and preparation in place before finding an opportunity — even if you don’t end up being presented with a multiple adoption opportunity.
Consider the extra items you will need to purchase to bring home more than one child, as well as the financial preparation you’ll need to complete. Think about any childcare you will need as your children grow up, and start making plans for their future (like any college funds you choose to save up).
Again, all of these things should be considered before adopting multiples.
Every hopeful adoptive parent will need to complete an adoption home study. These legal investigations typically approve a family to adopt one child — so, if you are considering adopting multiples, you may need to complete additional steps to be approved for adopting multiple children. Your home study provider should walk you through this process to make sure you are approved for potential adoption opportunities.
Similarly, your adoption professional may have additional requirements when you express interest in adopting multiples. Speak with them before setting your adoption opportunity preferences.
Finally, you should recognize the e motional challenges of raising siblings. Even if siblings have grown up together and created a tight bond, they must be given separate and equal attention to develop their sense of self and independency. This is even more important when siblings are adopted after a childhood of trauma and disruption. Similarly, adopting siblings from infancy will still require that you treat them with a sense that they are separate people, not just “the twins.”
If you choose to adopt older siblings from foster care or through international adoption, your adoption professional should prepare you for these potential challenges. They will also give you critical information about your children before placement and ensure you have the resources to successfully parent them. Raising twins from birth may be a bit easier, but it will still come with its own challenges.
When in doubt, if you have questions about adopting multiples, please speak with your adoption professional.
I believe strongly in the power of prayer. I do not mean to push my beliefs on anyone, but I have honestly seen miracles as the result of prayer. I have seen miraculous physical healings, witnessed overnight emotional healing and been blown away by the impact of prayer in many other situations regarding spiritual fulfillment and peace. Prayer: it works.
As a birth mother, I pray for the child I placed for adoption. My son holds a place in my heart and in my prayers that no one else does. It is a special and secret place where my son lives within my own soul.
Here, I share with you some of my most important prayers for him. What do you pray for when it comes to the child whom you placed for adoption?
I was a mother for six months before I chose adoption for my son. It was him and me for that period, and it was so hard on both of us.
For example, I had every intention of mothering, which is why I was breastfeeding at the time I chose adoption. I had to force myself to quit breastfeeding as soon as I made my adoption decision, and that was probably one of the most difficult tasks I had to face. I’m sure it was hard on him also.
I do not know what kind of memories my son will carry with him or if any feelings of hurt will live inside of him. However, I pray that he has a healed heart from everything we went through surrounding my adoption decision. I know I did what was best for both of us, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was a very difficult transition.
I pray that my son’s heart is able to heal from anything in his past.
One of my greatest challenges is to live in the present moment. Now, my son is only 7, so this might be a little bit easier for him. As an adult, though, I find living in the present challenging. My mind is always racing to the next thing on my to-do list in the future and scrambling to reconcile the past. It’s a daily battle for me to just be in the present moment.
I don’t want life to be as difficult for my son as it seems to be for me at times. I pray that my son is able to enjoy every moment he is experiencing, maybe even to the point of feeling like everything is a magical first! Of course, that may be a tall order, but it’s still my prayer.
The beauty of a prayer is that no prayer is too big for God. We can pray for anything, and God will follow through on His promises in His own way. It is just up to us to be good receivers and recognize an answered prayer. So, I pray that my son is able to enjoy “the everyday” for his entire life.
I know this prayer is a common prayer for every moment; we want our children to live happy and healthy lives. I want the same thing for the child I placed for adoption.
I want my son to grow up and find a peace for himself. I’m not concerned about how much money he will make, or what career or types of relationship choices he makes. My concern is that no matter what decisions my son makes, he does so from a healthy place.
I want those choices to make him happy, as well. I want him to live in a state of gratitude for everything he has and know how much he is loved by so many people, and most importantly, know that he is loved by God. I pray that my son has a happy and healthy future following his own path that he believes His creator has for him.
So, with all these prayers, what do I truly desire for my son? I desire that my son has a life full of spiritual peace. I have struggled to find peace within myself, especially when it comes to walking a path of healing with such brokenness in my past. I don’t want my son to have the same struggles I have had. I see the beauty of my adoption in breaking the cycle and setting my son free from any chains that bound him. I broke my family cycle by choosing adoption, instead of letting poverty and misery rule my life as a parent. I don’t want my son to live a life similar to mine, but I want him to grow into his own person with his own set of values.
I know that my prayers are just like the prayers of many parents, not just birth parents. We all want what is best for our children.
For me, I just pray my son heal from his past, live in his present and find peace in his future.
~Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
For many adoptive parents, the wait while their Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC) paperwork is approved can seem like the longest period of their adoption process. After all, they finally have the child they’ve been dreaming about for so long and can’t wait to start their new lives as a family — back at their own home.
As tough as the ICPC wait can be, it doesn’t have to be wasted time in your life. In fact, the period in which you are waiting for ICPC approval can actually be the most integral when it comes to establishing a relationship between you and your new adopted child. No matter how long your ICPC wait is, think of it as a great chance to get to know your new addition and the city and state in which they were born.
Your adoption specialist will always prepare you for the ICPC process prior to your child’s birth, including any suggestions he or she has for managing the wait. Below, find a few ideas on how to spend your time waiting for your ICPC approval:
Directly following placement and prior to your ICPC approval is the best time to bond with your new addition. After all, this is some of the only time you, your spouse and your baby will have alone together for a few months (think about all of the family and friends who will want to meet your baby when you get home), and it’s a great chance to get to know each other without the pressures of everyday life getting in the way.
Take advantage of this alone time with your baby. Focus on learning all the new tasks of being a parent and finding out more about your little one’s personality.
Adoptive families can expect to stay in their child’s birth state for about 7-10 days after their baby is born. If you know where your baby is going to be born, plan ahead! Look for family-friendly activities and places to explore during this waiting period. As exciting as it can be at the beginning to stay at home with your child all day, it can also be exhausting, and breaks outside of your hotel room will be much appreciated.
On the same note, recognize that this town and state is an important part of your child’s adoption story. If you can, take photos of them at the hospital in which they were born, and document other important aspects of this city. If that city has a landmark, take photos and write down facts about it. These photos and descriptions will be something your child will enjoy as they grow up, especially if you incorporate them into an adoption scrapbook.
If your open adoption relationship allows for it, make yourself available to your child’s birth family during this time. Remember that the birth mother will be grieving at the same time that you are enjoying your new child, and it may help her heal to spend some time with your family before you leave. Simple things like meals and outings at local attractions together can help you all get to know each other better, relieving the birth mother’s fears and giving you information to answer your child’s questions as they grow up. The relationship between an adoptive family and a birth mother is a very special one, and taking the time to cultivate it early on will aid in your relationship during the years to come.
As much as you may have prepared for your ICPC stay, it’s completely normal to find yourself missing some key items to take care of your baby. Use your ICPC wait period to purchase those things you perhaps didn’t know you needed, or the things you were waiting to purchase until you knew the gender of your baby. Just remember that everything you purchase has to come back with you, so plan accordingly!
While you will likely have plenty of time to explore the city and the state in which your child was born, don’t travel too far during your ICPC wait. Depending on your situation, you may need to complete additional legal steps before your ICPC process is complete. For example, your adoption professional may require more documentation to gain ICPC approval, or your adoption attorney may need more signatures after the adoption consent is first performed. Being available and flexible for your adoption professionals’ needs will be helpful in expediting your ICPC approval process.
We know the wait for your ICPC can be stressful, especially with a new baby and everyday responsibilities piling up back at home. However, relaxing and appreciating where you are at in your adoption process can alleviate some of those worries. You will never again have this particular special bonding time with your baby, so take advantage of it and try to stay in high spirits during this period of time.
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ICPC can be a difficult part of your private domestic infant adoption. But, with preparation and the right attitude, it can be another successful step toward creating the family you have always dreamed of.
What are some of your suggestions for managing the ICPC wait? Let us know in the comments!
In my opinion, I believe that it is normal for a woman considering adoption to wonder if her child will hate her. I think this is a normal fear for many parents, even those who raising their children. Wondering if our children will love or hate us for the decisions that we make for them is part of what makes us parents. We care so much about our children, and we would never want them to hate us for any decision we make for them, especially if we truly believe it is the best decision for them.
If you’re not sure whether you can parent your baby, you are probably wondering, “Will my child hate me if I place them for adoption?”
There is no way for me to answer this question for you. The truth is that there are so many factors that go into an adoptee’s feelings, and the bulk of them are in how the adoptive parents will raise their baby. Please know that there are many adoptive parents who honor their child’s birth mother and many adoptees who grow up loving their birth parents.
A child’s love for their birth parents is something that cannot be measured on a general basis. Every situation is unique for every child. However, there are some things both birth mothers and adoptive parents can do to help ensure that a child will grow up loving their birth mother.
The first step in making sure that your baby grows up loving you is to pick adoptive parents who love you and will honor you while they are raising their child.
Consider what type of post-placement relationship you desire to have with your child. Many birth mothers today are choosing open adoptions in a woman has direct contact with her child after placement. However, semi-open adoptions are an option, as well. In a semi-open adoption, a birth mother has a relationship with her child through mediation by an adoption agency, which protects the privacy of both the birth mother and the adoptive family.
The third option is to choose a closed adoption, in which there is no contact between the birth mother and the adoptive family after placement. Closed adoptions used to be the norm in society, but with the evolution of society’s view on adoption and research on post-placement relationships, experts in the field now highly recommend open adoptions.
The next thing for a birth mother to consider when choosing an adoptive family is to trust her instincts when it comes to the relationship and communication she has with the potential adoptive couple.
If a woman meets an adoptive couple and feels even slightly uncomfortable with them, she can change her mind regarding placing baby with them up until she signs her adoption consent. Mothers have intuition and instincts about their children, and I highly recommend listening to those instincts. Choose an adoptive family whom you can trust from the start to honor you as a birth mother throughout your child’s upbringing. Of course, no one is perfect, and people make mistakes, but I know that my experience has shown me that once you find your perfect adoptive family, things seem to work out from there.
Finally, don’t be afraid to communicate your fear of your child hating you to your potential adoptive parents.
Perhaps they share similar fears and can relate to you. I can almost guarantee that prospective adoptive parents have considered how they will explain their child’s history and the fact that he or she has been adopted. Talk to your potential adoptive parents about how they will honor adoption with their child, and how they will have their child honor you while he or she is growing up. They will also want you to honor them as parents and show them respect, as well. So, it’s a two-way street. Both the prospective birth mother and the prospective adoptive parents should have an idea for how they will honor each other with the child who is being placed for adoption.
I’d like to introduce you to the idea of “normalizing” adoption and give you some personal examples for how I have been able to work towards achieving this in my own life.
First, to “normalize” something is to make whatever it is a normal part of life. Normalizing adoption is an unfortunate necessity in modern society. While we have moved away from closed adoptions, we still have a long way to go when it comes to making adoption a normal relationship in families across the board.
Adoption is still viewed as something that we, as a society, need to treat with sensitivity and compassion. It has not yet reached a point where we can openly discuss adoption with anyone and have them accept it immediately. Therefore, it is still a necessity to normalize adoption, especially within families who are touched by it in any capacity.
I try to take opportunities to normalize adoption in my daily life. This not only includes talking to friends and family but also requires me to communicate openly with all the people in my immediate circle. For example, most of the time when I’m asked about whether I have kids, I include my birth son and my stepchildren. I have found ways to communicate about my son in a few words, and it usually sounds like this:
“I have a son who I placed for adoption eight years ago. I still see him and just saw him recently, actually. I also have stepchildren. My husband and I have four kids total, but none together.”
Sweet and simple. Not only did I answer their question regarding if I have children, but I also just took the opportunity to normalize adoption.
In my home, adoption has been normalized. I think the best example is with my eight-year-old stepson. He and my birth son have met and get along great. My stepson knows that I was pregnant with my son and chose adoption, and that he has different parents.
It’s the coolest thing to normalize adoption, because it opens the door for a future of an open mind. I know that my stepson will never treat anyone poorly or differently for being touched by adoption. That is a great accomplishment. Of course, the conversations continue as he grows older, as well, and we introduce the more difficult concepts, but you get the point.
“Will my child hate me for choosing adoption?” It is a fear that also pops into my mind from time to time. However, I chose adoptive parents whom I trusted, and they have absolutely been trustworthy and honorable for the past eight years. My birth son loves me, and while I don’t know what the future holds for our relationship, I am hopeful it will remain as healthy and positive as we have had it thus far.
So, if you are concerned about how you are being discussed in your child’s home, then talk to your adoptive parents and share your fears. You never know how they may be honoring you as a birth mother, and you might be surprised at what you learn from a simple conversation.
-Lindsay Arielle
Prospective birth mothers have the honor of choosing who will adopt their baby. No matter what a woman’s preferences are for a prospective adoptive family, she will find that there are large pools of applicants who would love to meet her needs. So many waiting families are out there. So, whether you use a local adoption agency in your area, or if you use a national adoption agency like American Adoptions, you should be encouraged knowing that your perfect match could be out there.
Choosing adoptive parents for baby is the sole responsibility of the prospective birth mother, and she can always change her mind about whom her baby will go home with up until finalization.
I personally considered it an honor to choose the parents who would raise my child and take on the responsibility of mother and father for my son. I consider this step in the adoption process an honor because it is one of the biggest decisions a woman can make for her child during adoption — besides the decision for adoption itself. Not only are the adoptive parents the ones who will bring the baby home, they are also the ones who will be responsible for the baby for his or her entire upbringing.
As a mother, I trusted my instincts when it came to choosing the parents my child would have and felt privileged to be able to do that for my son. It’s not a responsibility that should be taken lightly.
There are quite a few steps that a potential adoptive family must go through before they can even create an adoptive profile for prospective birth mothers to view and choose from.
One of the most intense screening processes that prospective adoptive families go through is the home study. A home study evaluates the prospective adoptive family as a unit, and as individuals, to determine if they are ready to take on the responsibility of adopting a child. Regardless of whether this is their first child, or if a family has other children, prospective adoptive families go through a screening process to prove that they are fit to parent.
If you are wondering about what screening processes your adoption agency utilizes, be sure to ask your adoption professional. You can also ask an agency how they screen prospective adoptive families before you commit to working with them.
That’s right, I said “perfect.” I meant it, too. As a woman who went through an adoption, I can tell you that I had big dreams for my child and his future. I wanted to make sure that I found a family that could not only provide my child with educational and growth opportunities but also a family that would encourage my child to become everything he has the potential to be. Talk about dreaming big! Guess what? I found them. My child is being offered opportunities he would have never had if I had chosen to parent him, and I’m so grateful for his parents.
It’s important that every prospective birth mother decide for herself, with her own motherly instincts, what kind of life she is dreaming of for her child. Some of the factors that a prospective birth mother will want to consider include:
No matter what factors are important to you, make sure you convey your desires to your adoption professional as you both work together to create an adoption plan.
Prospective birth mothers who utilize an adoption agency will have their own adoption professional to work with. Your adoption professional will create an adoption plan with you, which includes the desires you have for your ideal prospective adoptive family.
As you create the adoption plan, don’t be afraid to include all the factors in adoptive parents that are important to you. Your adoption professional is the one who will help guide you in creating this plan and helping to match your desires with real waiting families.
Once an adoption professional has all the information regarding prospective birth mother’s preferences for a potential adoptive family, she will begin the matching process. Depending on the size and reach of the adoption agency, your adoption professional will pull a number of potential adoptive family profiles for you to view. A national adoption agency will have a much larger pool of applicants, while a local agency will have a pool of local families. Either way, your adoption professional will be the one to help find you the ideal adoptive family for your baby.
I remember looking at prospective adoptive family profiles, and I also remember feeling positive about which profile I wanted to choose. My adoption professional connected me with four profiles and asked me to choose two, but I only chose one. I will never forget the smiles on the faces of the couple that I ended up meeting later that week and choosing as parents for my child a few weeks later.
If you come across a profile that you feel good about, let your adoption professional know. On the other hand, if you don’t like the profiles you have been offered, then don’t choose any of them. Seeking out the right adoptive family for our children is too important. Don’t agree to meet anyone or commit to anyone if you are uncomfortable. However, if you like one or more profiles, go for it!
This is a question I asked myself when going through my own adoption process. I’m sure many women ask themselves this question. After all, how do you know when you have found the perfect adoptive family for you and baby? The answer is simple: You will just know.
The best advice I can give for choosing the right adoptive family is to always trust your gut and your moth erly instincts. There is a difference between making a compromise with your adoption plan and settling for an adoptive family you don’t feel confident about. If you meet a family and don’t connect with them, please be honest with your adoption professional. There is time for you to find the right family, but if you are not honest about your level of comfort, then there is no way for your adoption professional to know how to guide you in moving forward.
The bond that forms between a prospective birth mother and the chosen adoptive family is indescribable. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, an unbreakable bond is formed when the connection and chemistry are right. A prospective birth mother will know whom to choose to raise her baby when she knows. There is no right time or expectation on when a woman should make her decision, except that it is ultimately her choice.
Prospective birth mothers: trust your instincts, take the responsibility of choosing adoptive parents seriously, and enjoy the process and bond that you will experience with your chosen adoptive family.
Migrant child-parent separations have been all over the news in the past week, motivating President Donald Trump to recently issue an executive order banning family separations at the U.S.-Mexico border. By that time, however, more than 2,000 children had been separated from their parents — and almost 6,000 unaccompanied, minor children had been lost within the federal system.
What exactly happens to migrant children who are separated from their families at the border? Where do they go, and how do they get “lost” within the U.S. foster care system?
Before we dive into the intricacies of the U.S. foster care system as it functions with U.S. immigration, there are a few important things you need to know.
A new immigration policy announced by the Trump administration in April ordered prosecutors along the border to adopt a zero-tolerance policy for those crossing the border illegally. This means that all migrants who crossed the border — whether they were seeking legally recognized asylum or had children with them — were arrested and sent to detention centers for prosecution.
In the past, children were allowed to remain with parents who were being prosecuted for these illegal border crossings. The Trump administration did something different. Border officials separated children from their parents awaiting prosecution with the intent of placing them with relatives or friends inside the United States. Officials argued this would provide children a safe home while their parents were awaiting prosecution.
However, because of the large number of migrants and their children, the process was not as quick as officials would have liked. This led to children being separately detained from their parents in chain-link enclosures at holding facilities.
These current holding cells are not meant for long-term detention; in fact, it is illegal for children to be held there longer than three days. After that, they are supposed to be transferred to the Office of Refugee Resettlement (ORR), a division of the Department of Health and Human Services.
Before now, this office dealt mainly with unaccompanied minors who crossed the border on their own — usually older teens. Today, there is no clear answer as to how young these children are when they are permanently separated from their parents and placed into government care.
While these children are kept at these ORR shelters, government officials take steps to locate family members or sponsors with whom the migrant children can be placed. ORR officials say children usually stay in these facilities “fewer than 57 days on average,” although some children have been detained for months longer. As more children continue to cross the border, these ORR facilities continue to fill up.
Any identified family members or sponsors for migrant children are exposed to intense scrutiny before placement, including proving they can provide for the minor (sometimes with verified home visits) and ensuring the minor will attend any future court hearings. Other requirements include criminal background and immigration status checks of all members of the households. This delays the securing of placements for migrant children, especially if their family members are currently living undocumented in the United States and are rightfully frightened of working with federal officials.
If a sponsor is found, the child is placed into the care of that adult. That placement will function similarly to a foster care placement — in which a foster parent provides temporary care for the child until a parent is able to complete a reunification plan. Adoption of that child may be an option later for that adult. While about 40 percent of migrant children are placed with family members other than their parents, about 10 percent of children are placed with non-related individuals through the foster care system.
If the children’s parents are released from detention, they can usually take custody of their children. However, there seems to be no formal process for tracking children and parents within the system, meaning it is incredibly difficult for eventual reunification to occur — whether a child remains at a detention center or is placed with a foster parent.
As mentioned, when migrant children are separated from their parents, attempts are made to place them with a relative or sponsor. Because this is, in effect, a foster care placement, there are certain requirements that must be met — including post-placement visits and check-ins.
However, a new report says that in May alone, nearly 1,500 unaccompanied minors were placed with sponsors who did not keep in touch with federal officials. When it came time to locate these children for reunification with their parents or for post-placement visits, they or their sponsor could not be contacted. Federal officials maintain these children aren’t “lost,” but that their sponsors did not respond to phone calls. However, that reassurance means little to that child’s parents or to children’s rights advocates.
These 1,500 children are only a fraction of the 7,635 children officials have reached out to — which is also a fraction of the almost 43,000 children placed with sponsors in 2017.
What’s even more worrisome is that, in the past, DHHS did not require any meaningful proof that the people presenting as family friends really were — leading to a notable case in which six children from Guatemala were turned over to human traffickers.
It’s a heartbreaking subject, but proper understanding of the process for these children is the first step to helping solve this problem. So, how can you help? Consider donating to organizations working for family reunification along the border, or simply reach out to a local foster care organization to help the children in need in your area today.
I had no idea how frequently the phrase “giving up baby” came up in adoption searches on the internet until recently. Is adoption actually giving up on baby? Is this language politically correct? Is it even true?
As a birth mother who knew little about adoption before choosing this path, I find this phrasing of “giving up” rather heartbreaking. I can promise you that my personal experience with adoption has taught me that adoption is anything but giving up.
Words have power. Meaning brings power. We should always choose our words wisely. Just today, I spoke words that were harsh, and they brought me nothing but harshness in return. However, when I speak words of love, that is what I receive in return. Call it karma, call it the law of attraction, call it reaping what you sow, call it whatever you want. The bottom line is that words have great spiritual power, and with the tip of a pen and its parchment, creation is achieved.
However, some words we take for granted, and even with the best intentions, we can create something negative. This principle applies to adoption language, as well.
I didn’t “give up” my baby for adoption; my decision was so that I wouldn’t give up on my baby. I made my adoption decision because I knew I wasn’t in a place to provide a happy and healthy life for my child. I choose adoption for my baby because I knew that setting my own desires aside also meant thinking about a future that I wasn’t ready to provide.
My adoption decision was truly made with a love beyond my own. In fact, I believe I was led spiritually to that decision and through that process by my God. I relied on my faith during my adoption process, and that took courage, strength, boldness, intentionality and self-sacrifice. So, no, choosing adoption for your baby is never “giving up” your baby.
I don’t typically talk about adoption politics, but once in a while I become frustrated with what I see around me and hear about in modern day society. There is such a lack of resources for healing for the women who choose adoption after they go through placement. I feel that birth mothers often are forgotten after completing their adoption.
In my life and work, I try to address this issue by speaking freely about my own adoption decision and healing journey. Being an advocate for birth mothers is not always easy, but it’s always worth it.
A good friend of mine (also a fellow birth mother) is volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center and talking about her experience as a birth mother. At her talks, the audience will include representatives from a few local adoption agencies. I think this is a great opportunity for her to speak about the lack of resources for healing for birth mothers post-placement. Birth mothers become the forgotten part of the adoption triad for most of modern-day society — a point on which she agreed.
The first step in helping society understand that adoption is not “giving up” is to start talking about adoption with positive language. If we perpetuate the stereotypes, we only reinforce them and enable their continuance. If you have the opportunity to speak with someone about adoption, and you decide in that moment to take it, please consider the language you use — especially because many people don’t understand the true beauty in adoption and its possibilities today.
I believe that everyone who has chosen adoption can have a testimony in healing. I also believe that every woman has her own path to follow and does not owe one single soul around her an explanation or justification.
On the other hand, birth mothers must remember that we are not forgotten. The next woman to choose adoption could be someone you know, and you have no idea who you are influencing in a positive way. In fact, I believe every human has many testimonies that they could share to help others. Adoption as a birth mother is only one of my many testimonies.
My story aside, look at your own adoption decision, and ask yourself: “Why did I choose adoption for my baby?” I’m sure the answer will have more to do with a selfless act of love than anything that could be misconstrued as “giving up.”
Instead of telling yourself or anyone else that you “gave” your baby up for adoption, please consider more positive phrasing. For example, you can say that, “I chose adoption for my baby,” or you can say, “I placed my baby up for adoption.” Whatever you do, try not to use the phrasing “giving up,” but use the words “place” or “chose” instead.
For any birth mother reading this who feels shame or guilt or both about her adoption decision, please know that you are not alone. Healing is possible. Please reach out for guidance. I encourage all of you to be kind to yourselves for, as a birth mother, you made a sacrifice out of love, and that is the ultimate gift.
For those who have adopted a child, Father’s Day is often a celebration a long time in the making. Adoptive fathers may have waited years or months to have a child of their own, and Father’s Day reminds them of the wonderful journey that helped them achieve their parenthood dreams.
However, there’s commonly another, often overlooked, aspect of Father’s Day for adoptees: their birth father. While it’s not the case in all adoptions, in many cases, adoptees may not have a close ongoing relationship with their birth father — or even know anything about this man at all.
If your child is in this position, Father’s Day is bound to bring up questions that you may not know how to answer. How can you address an absent birth father on this important day?
Because every adoption situation is different, it’s important that you speak with your adoption professional for advice and think hard about how you can address this sensitive topic. In the meantime, here are some tips to keep in mind to prepare for this unique situation.
There are many reasons a birth father may not have been involved in a child’s adoption and subsequent open adoption relationship. They may have been unsupportive of the adoption, could not be contacted or were unknown, or recused themselves from the adoption process after signing over their parental rights. Whatever the situation may be, it’s important that an adoptee understand the truth, as long as it’s age-appropriate.
Creating stories, as much as they may make a child feel better, is counterproductive and can be harmful. Imagine a child growing up believing their birth father to one thing — and then discovering later they are not. As difficult as it can be, honesty is always the best policy when discussing birth fathers, especially those who are uninvolved.
When children start working on Father’s Day crafts at school and extracurricular activities, it’s common for these crafts to focus on genetics — even though the number of nontraditional families in the U.S. continues to grow. Therefore, it’s a good idea to speak with your child’s teacher about their situation well before to suggest alternative activities.
That said, it’s normal for your child to have questions about their birth father’s impact on who they are, including their physical appearance. While you don’t want to completely downplay this importance, you’ll want to continue emphasizing to your child that genetics is not the only thing that makes a family — love is.
Explain that, yes, their birth father may have given them their eye color and height, but families today are created out of many people who don’t look the same. Ask them about any peers with blended families, stepparents or stepsiblings, LGBT parents or other adoptees like themselves. Help them recognize that looks are not the thing to focus on when it comes to family. Instead, emphasize that love makes your family — and you will always be there for them, no matter your genetic connection. This knowledge can alleviate some of an adoptee’s fears about abandonment stemming from their birth father situation.
Even if a birth father is not actively involved in an adoptee’s life, they are still an important part of a child’s history and identity. Therefore, many adoptive parents choose to celebrate birth fathers on Father’s Day to commemorate that importance.
Adoptees may find solace in writing a letter to their birth father, even if he will never see it. This way, they can express their feelings about their birth father on this important day, rather than suppress those emotions. You may also choose to celebrate the birth father in another way, like planting a tree or flowers, or giving back to a local charity dealing with children and families.
Instead of focusing on the role a birth father is not playing in a child’s life, focus on the positive roles a birth father does play. He gave his child life — and not only life but a life with parents who were prepared to give his child the best opportunities they could. It was a brave, selfless decision that deserves to be celebrated on this important day.
Remember, if you ever have concerns about talking to your child about their birth father, contact your adoption professional or a local adoption support group for more tips and guidance.
