The Hague Convention entered into force for Kyrgyzstan on November 1. The United States will now process intercountry adoptions from Kyrgyzstan that are initiated under the Convention. Prospective adoptive parents should work with an accredited adoption service provider (ASP) that is authorized by the Government of Kyrgyzstan to ensure they follow all Convention adoption procedures. These include filing the Form 1-800A, Application for Determination of Suitability to Adopt a Child from a Convention Country, with U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS), and, subsequently, Form 1-800, Petition to Classify Convention Adoptee as an Immediate Relative. To satisfy U.S. immigration requirements, the adoption cannot be finalized until this form has been filed and an Article 5/17 determination has been made by the U.S. Embassy in Bishkek. The Article 5/17 determination must be presented to the Kyrgyz court prior to the approval of a final adoption. Failure to follow these procedures could delay your adoption. The Department of State will post additional Kyrgyzstan adoption information as it becomes available. Questions may be directed to your ASP or the Office of Children’s Issues at 1-888-407-4747.
The first 24 hours after placement was the worst 24 hours of my life, but it was also the best 24 hours of my life. I felt like my soul had been ripped from my body, but I also knew this was the start of a new life for my son and I.
I wish I could tell you that the first moment after placement was the most hopeful moment I have ever had, but that would not be true. It was one of the worst moments of my life. While I knew what I was doing was the right thing to do, it didn’t change how I felt about it and how bad it hurt. In the first 24 hours, I was in shock. I don’t remember much about what happened. I do remember watching my son’s parents drive away with him in the car and falling to the ground. I was a mother for six months, and then immediately after that car drove away, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I think that is what made it so hard; my identity felt like it was completely ripped away from me. There was nothing left worth living for in my eyes in that moment. I was dead.
Perhaps if I had known someone who could tell me what to expect, it wouldn’t have hurt so bad. Identity is crucial in experiencing life the way that God intended. Identity tells us everything we need to know about who we are and how we are to live our lives. Since the only role I had envisioned in my life was being a mother, the idea of being anything other than that did not occur to me in the next 24 hours after placement. I think having my son for six months before placement made things more difficult, as well as being basically completely on my own. Identity also tells us that there is hope where it may seem hopeless. I didn’t know how to be a birth mother because I didn’t know anything about the feelings that I would go through. I didn’t know what to expect after placement. I wasn’t expecting the loss, the grief, the identity crisis, or all of the emotions that began to escape that I had stored up through the adoption process. I had such tunnel vision throughout the adoption process of just getting it done properly for my son, that I never really took the time to consider what I would feel and go through after placement.
Perhaps I could have considered and prepared in the following ways:
Whatever you do, don’t hesitate to follow through with your decision because you are afraid of how it might make you feel. Change is hard, especially a change like going from a mother to a birth mother. Sad feelings are par for the course, and they will get better.
Within the first 24 hours of placement, I felt as if my world turned upside-down and I was hanging on to it by a thread. While I don’t remember much of those first 24 hours, I do remember sadness like I had never felt before. In hindsight, I can now say that those 24 hours were the beginning of the rest of our lives. It was within those first 24 hours that I began to evolve into the woman that I have become today. My son began bonding with his mother and father. Our lives changed for the better, not for the worse. A new opportunity for fulfillment and security suddenly became available to my son and I. The door to a new life had been opened. After all of the hard work of dealing with the adoption process was coming to a close, it was actually happening: placement.
Don’t give up due to fear of your emotions. Don’t let those feelings consume you and eat you alive. Keep those who support you and care about you close. Remember why you made the decision in the first place, because whether you experience sadness within the first 24 hours or after six years, the peace of the decision you have made is what will get you through. The decision for adoption is selfless, courageous, and is not made in vain. Those feelings of sadness will pass. The tears will dry. A smile will begin to appear again. Colors will come back into the world. Get through the first 24 hours and don’t give up. It is all worth it for the new life that both you and your child will have. I know it has been for my son and I. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
I had a feeling. This wave of comfort came over me. I was full of joy and began laughing so hard my chest was jumping. I couldn’t remember the last time that I laughed that hard. It was then that I knew they were the ones. My friend had told me that I would know when I met them and she was right. They were it. I had found my son’s parents. I believe that once the decision to adopt has been made, a birth mother will meet the exact parents that her child was meant to be with. When I was first approached by the adoption agency with families, I was given paper profiles. It was suggested to me that I use the process of elimination to find the best fit for the parents that I wanted my son to have. Yet, as soon as I saw their profile, I had a good feeling. There was no process of elimination; there was a process of divine intervention. I do not suggest using solely a logically based process of elimination in order to choose the best adoptive parents. I believe that every birth mother can be led to the child’s parents if she allows her heart guide her. After all, mothers have an instinct about these things, and my suggestion to a birth mother is to trust that instinct. You will know when you meet them. That’s what I was told by a friend of mine who had adopted two children, and she was right. There were steps I took though to ensure that I would find them, and I believe that birth mothers must do some footwork in order to find the perfect match. Some of the things I considered before even having the agency give me profiles were the following:
• What faith did I want my child to grow up with?
At the time of my adoption process, I was not a Christian yet, so I was hesitant to place my son with Christians. My son’s parents told me that they would lead him with a moral compass. It turns out they are Christians and have a very strong faith in God. I love that.
• How open did I want my relationship with my son to be?
This is a point in which I had to be very clear. I knew that since I had my son for six months prior to placement that I needed to see him more often in the beginning. His parents agreed with this. Remember, the terms of an open adoption relationship are not legally binding, so being clear and up front with the adoptive, or potential adoptive parents, is crucial to the likelihood that you will have the relationship that you are looking for, for you and your child.
• Was there a mutual respect between myself and the adoptive parents?
This was a crucial point. The truth is that people change and relationships evolve over time. The terms of an open adoption will adjust and adapt over time. Faith will grow, people will change, and environments may not always be the same. One very positive thing that you can work towards having and maintaining for your child is to have a mutual respect with his or her parents. Without this respect, in my opinion, the relationship of the open adoption will probably not be sustainable. No matter the bumps in the road with my son and his parents, we still have a mutual respect for one another. Over time, the nature of our relationship has changed, but I believe that the trust between us has only grown stronger.
• Did the potential adoptive parents feel as if my child and I were a perfect match for them as well?
My experience has shown me that openness is important. Just as a birth mother should be open with the adoptive parents, the adoptive parents should be open with the birth mother. If, as a birth mother, you feel any hesitation from the potential adoptive parents in terms of them not being completely open, I would be cautious to move forward with them. I was an open book with my son’s parents, and they were an open book in return. This goes back to mutual respect. If the potential adoptive parents are not being completely open with a birth mother, then it is very unlikely it is going to be a good fit.
My greatest suggestion to a birth mother who is searching for her child’s parents is this: trust your motherly instincts. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Once I was sure of my decision to choose adoption, nothing was going to stand in my way. However, it took me time to get there. I vaguely remember this, but my mom reminded me before we had our falling out that she took me on a tour of an adoption agency. I was so afraid to move forward with adoption that I partially blocked out this memory. I was in denial of the choice that I knew I was going to have to make. I also remember asking my son’s biological father, early on in my pregnancy, what he thought about adoption. He stood there silently and just looked at me. He literally had no comment. Fast forward to when my son was four months old and I was reaching my breaking point. I told my best friend that I was seriously considering adoption. He passed my desire and internal knowing off as post-partum depression and told me that I would be fine. Here is my point: when we are afraid of what other people think of the decision for adoption, it will affect our ability to make the wisest choice. This is true in all facets of life. When we are overcome with fear, and we let that fear overcome our lives, it will make the decisions for us. I have seen fear cause much trouble in relationships. One of the worst implications of fear, in my opinion, is to cause inaction. I knew that adoption was the best choice, but I waited until I was in a situation in which I had to choose quickly about my adoption decision. Inaction breeds crisis. Crisis is not a good situation to be in when taking care of a child. Consider this: if adoption is on your heart and you are more afraid of what others will do to you than what you will do for your child, then aren’t you allowing fear to run your life? I believe that answer is yes, because that is what I did throughout my pregnancy and first five months of my son’s life. I was obsessed with doing what I thought everyone else wanted me to do, and I was too afraid to do what I knew to be right. I am ever so grateful that I was able to make the choice, even if it was when I was so beyond burnt out that I was in emotional and mental crisis at the time. The point is, I made the choice when it became most crucial to do so. Fear is a driving force in so many people’s lives. There is scripture, upon quotes, upon studies, of how fear can drive us to do the insane, ignore our own wisdom, and make unnecessary sacrifices and choices. As a believer in God, I see fear as something that drives a wedge between me and my faith. As a student, I see fear as something that causes procrastination. As a birth mother, fear was something that almost kept me from making the best choice for my child. Fear can be overwhelming, overcoming, and overly burdensome. How you overcome your fear depends upon your faith. There are different models for addressing fear in every faith. As a Christian, I take certain actions to overcome and remove the fear that I find present in my life. For me, this includes:
My favorite quote about fear is by Marianne Williamson, and I will leave this with you: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Marianne Williamson ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
When I chose my adoption professional, I was honestly seeking transparency in a relationship. I wanted to work with an organization and an agent who wouldn’t keep things from me, or make me feel like they were trying to protect me by keeping the reality of the process from me. I also wanted to make sure that my wishes for my son and the process were respected. I knew how I saw the process happening, and I wasn’t about to make compromises when it came to the well-being of my son. I wasn’t a Christian at the time that I choose my adoption professional, but that didn’t mean that I was going to rebel against spiritual individuals raising my child. There were certain aspects of choosing an adoption professional that were more important to me than other aspects.
I was very interested in making sure that above all, my son ended up with the family he was meant to be with. I had no idea who I was going to place him with when I picked my adoption professional. Yet, when I explained what I was looking for: an open adoption with a younger couple; that’s exactly what they connected me with. My adoption professional made sure that she was realistic with me about the expectations of the process, and worked with me the whole time with openness herself, just like what I wanted in my adoption choice. My adoption professional only showed me four profiles of families, and I chose one profile. It turns out, being honest about what I was looking for, and my adoption agent honoring that, was exactly what I needed in order to get my son where he needed to be. Adoption profiles are not about quantity; they are about quality. I spent some time with those four profiles. I looked at their pictures, read their stories, and stared at their smiles. I didn’t choose a family like I would with car insurance; shopping around. I knew what I wanted and my professional respected that by offering only the profiles that fit what I knew was best for my son. Some questions I asked my adoption professional before choosing them:
Some things I seriously considered before I made the phone calls to choose an agency:
I do not believe that adoption is a decision that should be made lightly. It takes serious consideration, thought, maturity, and wisdom. Some women may have an entire pregnancy to make these decisions, while others may be on a much tighter time schedule and deadline. However, no matter the time frame that a woman has to make this decision, it doesn’t change how crucial and difficult this decision can be. In my experience though, once you are absolutely settled in your heart in peace of that decision, everything else will fall into place. Please don’t go into choosing an adoption agency without seriously considering the above suggestions. There are no right or wrong answers, and there is always a learning process in which we may have to re-think our plan and reset our expectations. There is nothing wrong with making adjustments along the way. My suggestions are there to be helpful in choosing an adoption professional. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
An unplanned pregnancy can feel like the worst thing that has ever happened to a young female. I know when I was growing up, I was taught that if I became pregnant before I was married and ready to have children, that becoming pregnant was a negative thing. It would be a “burden” because it would have been a responsibility that I wasn’t ready for. I now see my unplanned pregnancy as a blessing in disguise.
I recently read an article regarding a birth mother’s adoption story and the stigma that she faced. The stigma that she faced has to do with saying that adoption is a way “out” of being a mother. I completely disagree. Once you are a mother, you are always a mother. The love you feel for your child never leaves, and the desire to have that unending bond with them never leaves. Adoption is not a way “out”, it is a transition. I know that it can be a shock to find out that you are pregnant when it’s unplanned. I went through that. I was floored when I found out that my birth control hadn’t worked and I was going to give birth to a baby. It took time to accept and process that I had a life growing inside of me. I hadn’t planned it, and yet it was happening regardless. After accepting that an unplanned pregnancy is not something that you can just get “out” of, my next step was to decide what to do about it. The question for some becomes, “Will I keep the baby and be its parent or will I make another choice?” My decision for adoption had nothing to do with wanting to put anything “behind me”. It had to do with making a decision to love my son in the way I deemed best for him. I have never seen adoption as a solution for “a way out”. I have seen adoption as a valuable option, and sometimes, the only option for a child to have the life that he or she deserves.
If you find that you are in a situation, and you don’t want to face the reality of that situation, I would call that denial. Denial is not a state of mind I would suggest being in if you are making choices for your child. Reality is a much healthier place to be when making decisions for your child. Being in denial, and putting a child up for adoption, will have consequences. Yet, there are always consequences to our choices. I know what it feels like to have your life flipped upside-down by an unplanned pregnancy. But that is no excuse for denial of a reality. If you find that you are in denial about being in an unplanned pregnancy, my suggestion is to seek out support, therapy, and look deep down within in order to realize that the truth is: this is life. This is reality. Unplanned events occur and it is up to us how we want to deal with them. Denial is a normal part of the grieving process. I think that one of the reasons that we go through denial when we have an unplanned pregnancy is that we may feel that we are grieving the life that we dreamed. We have plans, and pregnancy, as was taught to us when we were young, can ruin your life. I think part of maturing is realizing that we were taught incorrectly. Pregnancy, whether planned or not, doesn’t ruin our lives, it changes it. If you find that you are in a form of denial regarding pregnancy, motherhood, and your life, perhaps you could ask yourself why you find yourself in a state of denial? What are you afraid of? Who are you afraid of?
If someone is asking you to deny what you know to be true and how you really feel about putting a child up for adoption, then I wouldn’t listen to them. I know that there are those out there who believe that adoption is a poor option, but I truly believe that for them, adoption may not have been the best option. I never blame a birth mother for that. I don’t think any of us should. I think it is how society evolves that helps us open our eyes to the ever-changing world of adoption, and how beautiful it can really be. I do not agree that one bad adoption experience should dictate how our entire society views birth parents and adoption in general. I also find that my fairy tale adoption story should not set the tone either. I think we need more research, more conversations, and more openness in those conversations in order to really determine whether or not adoption is the best option for us. While While adoption may not be the best answer for some, it was absolutely the best decision for my son and me. I also want to mention, any child who has been adopted and assumes that that means they weren’t loved, is probably not being properly educated on the feelings that their birth mother had for them.
Growing up, I was taught that reality is what you perceive it to be. You can change reality based on how you see your world. I now believe that facts are facts, and reality is not based on perception, but in facts themselves. There is a reality to dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. It takes acceptance and the wherewithal to make an educated and wise decision. The decision as to whether or not to raise a child will be most effective in the long run if it comes from a place of acceptance of reality instead of a place of denial of the reality of the situation. Adoption is not right for everyone. Raising children at certain points in life is not right for everyone. As parents, it is up to us to use our best judgment in determining the best decision for our children. Don’t let anyone tell you what is best for you and your child. Be aware of the reality of your situation, make the best decision you are able to out of a place of acceptance. Acceptance will make the healing process much easier. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Dearest Younger, Lonely, Lindsay Arielle, Do not give up or lose hope while you are going through the process of adoption. I Offer Hope There are so many things I wish you knew while you are going through this. I desire to give you hope as you go through the transition of being a custodial mother to a birth mother. I know that you love your son. I know that what you are doing is selfless. I know that what you have done is brave. I know that you feel as if you have lost everything, and that you will never feel better. It’s not true though. It is a lie from the enemy that you will be in pain forever. This Too Shall Pass I wish you knew that it will get easier. I wish you knew that holding on to hope is more valuable than you are capable of understanding right now. The pain will ease up, and things will get easier. I promise. Not only will the pain lessen, but the joy will increase exponentially. A Gift? This is a gift. I know that sounds crazy. How could putting your son into the arms of another be a gift? It’s a gift because it offers you and him a new life. Your son will be able to live a normal childhood with two parents who love him as much as you do. They will treat him with respect and honor, and he will have everything you wish you could have provided for him. Purpose? There is purpose in this. You will find that as time goes on, the loneliness will, at times, rip you into shreds. Yet, you will start to pick up the pieces and come upon crucial revelation: you are not alone. There are so many birth mothers who suffer silently in pain. There are women who keep their adoptions to themselves, those who have been disowned as you were, and those who desire to find healing but don’t even know where to begin. You will help them. You will be a light on their path of healing. You are being called to greater things, and one day, you will help other birth mothers to heal. Job I wish you knew that Job wanted to give up too. “I am weary of my life and loathe it! I will give free my expression to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.” – Job 10:1 Job lost his children, his wealth, his health, and he wanted to give up on himself, his faith, and his life. Yet, Job’s friends stood by his side and encouraged him to continue on in his faith. While he suffered great losses, God never left his side. Job made it through. Jesus Loves Us I wish you knew Jesus, and that He died for you so that you could be relieved of this pain. I wish you knew how much God loves you, and that he will never forsake you. I promise you that throughout all of your times of doubt, Jesus will lift you up into His throne room and you will know Him as your Savior, whether you can believe it or not. Dearest, lonely Lindsay… do not fear. “For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.” – Jeremiah 29:11 Love, Older and Somewhat Wiser, Lindsay Arielle ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
The U.S. Department of State has proposed new rules regulating intercountry adoption, which, if implemented, could drastically impact hopeful parents’ ability to adopt children abroad. These new regulations would:
You can read the full proposed rule at the Federal Register. A petition requesting that the proposed rules be withdrawn has already gained nearly 13,000 supporters. Help save international adoptions by signing the petition at www.SaveAdoptions.org.
The Government of Liberia has notified the U.S. Department of State that the following agencies are now authorized to provide adoption services in Liberia:
It is essential that parents hoping to adopt from Liberia work with an adoption service provider authorized by the Liberian government. The agency should have current U.S. accreditation or approval or be under the supervision of a U.S.-accredited or approved adoption service provider. For up-to-date information on adoptions in Liberia, please visit the U.S. Department of State.
On September 16, Ghana signed the Convention on the Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect of Intercountry Adoption Convention (Hague Adoption Convention). The Convention will enter into force for Ghana on January 1, 2017. The Department of State will post additional Ghana adoption information as it becomes available. Find more information about the Hague Adoption Convention here.
