Growing up in the Alabama foster care system, Senior Airman Richard Oden says he knew the odds were stacked against him — but he was determined to fight for his future. As he moved through nine different foster homes, Oden held onto his faith and the hope that he would someday overcome the odds and help others do the same. As an adult, Oden has continued to fight for the future, both as a veteran of the U.S. military and as a foster and adoptive parent. Now, he is sharing his story of faith and resilience in his new book, My Full Life Circle Squared. Through his book, Oden is continuing to fight for hope and encouraging others to do the same. Below, read more about Oden’s story and the message he hopes to give to others in his shoes.
At the age of 3, Oden was placed in a foster home with his younger sister — the first of nine the children would live in over the next 10 years. Like many children who are “bounced around” many different homes, Oden says he had some baggage. He was angry, but as he got older, he says he realized he needed to hold onto the positive things, rather than letting the negative things bring him down. Now, when he looks back on his foster care experience, Oden says he feels blessed, something he credits in part to his positive attitude and his determination to rise above his circumstances. “I would overhear people talking about my story, and they’d say, ‘These kids don’t have a chance. They won’t amount to anything,’” Oden says. “And I used that as positive motivation. I would say, ‘I will show you that this kid, with cards stacked against him beyond his control, will be a productive member of society and much more.’ “I was determined that I would be successful,” he adds. “And I think my stint in foster care… that instilled in me the drive and motivation I needed to do exactly that.”
Oden continued to battle the statistics and stereotypes surrounding foster children until he and his sister were placed in a home in Huntsville, Alabama, with foster parents who were dedicated members of their church. It was there that Oden met his childhood best friend, Wes. The boys grew close, developing a deep bond and spending most of their time together, until Oden was forced to move again to a new foster home in a different part of the state. Despite the distance, Oden kept in touch with Wes, sending him letters that Wes would share with his parents, Gerry and Debbie Oden. “They said these letters just broke their hearts, just crushed them,” Oden says. Gerry and Debbie decided they had to do something. They contacted Oden’s foster care agency and told them they wanted to adopt Oden and his sister, who had long been awaiting adoption after their biological parents’ rights were terminated early during their time in foster care. “They didn’t take no for an answer. They were resilient,” Oden says. “They knew that TPR had already occurred on us, and they knew nobody else was willing to step up to the plate to adopt us, and so they did.” Oden’s adoption was finalized the same month he turned 13, but his fight wasn’t over. Even then, he knew he wanted to pay it forward and give hope and a future to other children in the foster system.
Oden’s wife, Brittany, knew from the beginning that Oden felt passionately about becoming a foster parent. In fact, she had known almost as long as Oden had — it was during his time in foster care that the two met as middle school sweethearts. After getting married, the Odens planned to have biological children and then add to their family through the foster care system. But they say God had other plans. “We had miscarriages three different times,” Oden says. “As the old saying goes, we as humans make plans, and God sits back and waits for us to stop and trust in him, and then he’ll reveal his plan for you.” Oden says the couple was devastated, but they decided to move forward with their plan to become foster parents. In 2013, they got the phone call for their first placement: siblings named Gabbi, now 4, and Kentrell, 5, who were later joined in the Odens’ home by their older brother, Elijah, 7. “One night after we had had them for a while, I was lying in bed and I said to Brittany, ‘You know, if any of those pregnancies had worked out, and [the agency] had called and said they needed us to take two kids, would we have taken them?’” Oden says. “And we both agreed the answer would be no, not with a newborn. God had a plan there. We are 110 percent convinced that the Lord’s plan worked out in our story.”
It was not long after they received their foster care placement that the Odens say God revealed his plan once again. After losing their three previous pregnancies and adding three new foster children to their home, the Odens finally got the miracle they had been planning from the beginning — they found out Brittany was pregnant. “The order in which things happened was in the complete opposite order of what we had planned,” Oden says. “We had planned to have biological children and foster and adopt later… but it’s on God’s timing, not ours. And we are very happy with the way it worked out.” With the foster children and pregnancy the Odens had always wanted, things were beginning to fall into place. But life was about to take another unexpected turn. “We got Gabbi and Kentrell and a little later got Elijah, found out we were pregnant, and then got the news, ‘Oh, by the way, you’re getting deployed to Afghanistan,’” Oden says. He deployed to Afghanistan on Easter Sunday in April 2014, leaving Brittany to manage their three new foster children and a baby on the way. “There’s a little guilt there as far as being foster parents and getting deployed,” Oden says. “One of the things foster children need is stability, not only in a home, but in family members…they come into our home and get attached to me, and then I’m leaving for six months.” Oden says it was difficult to be away from home, not only because of the separation issues it caused with his foster children, but also because he was deployed during most of Brittany’s pregnancy and the birth of his daughter, Annabelle. She was born September 10, 2014 — September 11 on Afghanistan time, in the combat zone where Oden was stationed. He watched his daughter’s birth on Facetime amidst the threat of indirect fire, which would have sent him taking cover. Looking back, Oden says he is bewildered by the timing of the family’s foster care placement, pregnancy and deployment. With so much for Brittany to focus on at home, Oden says she deserves the same recognition he has earned as a veteran. “She had three foster kids. She was pregnant,” Oden says. “I was away and she had to hold down the home fort by herself. I really think Brittany earned that [recognition]. I really think there are other military families out there who definitely have earned that as well… They serve this country just like we do.”
It was during Oden’s time in Afghanistan that he wrote most of My Full Life Circle Squared, which he describes as a military story as well as a foster care-adoption story — two themes that have more in common than one might think. “Foster care and military families have a lot in common,” Oden says. “On the foster care side of things, we put our hearts out there knowing what could happen. We could fall in love with our children and they leave us. And yet, we still do it. Same with the military — we know what could happen. We sign up to serve our country. We could get deployed, and we may not come home. And yet we still go.” When Elijah, Kentrell and Gabbi were placed with Oden, he says he knew they would potentially break his heart. The state’s plan was still to reunite them with their birth family, and Oden knew from experience that it was likely that most of their foster children would only be with them for a short time. The chances of the couple adopting their very first foster placement were slim, but it was clear from the beginning that the children were meant to be a part of their family. “The first night we got Gabbi and Kentrell, I told my wife I wanted to adopt them,” Oden says. The Odens waited three years for the courts to grant termination of parental rights, and close to another year before they had an adoption date. During that time, the agency searched for the children’s blood relatives, hoping to find a willing and able kinship placement to take them — a common outcome for children in the foster system. Through it all, Oden continued to bond with his children, holding onto his faith that they would beat the odds and get to stay with his family. And finally, on January 29, 2016, after 1,008 days in foster care, he got his wish. The adoption completed their family and brought Oden’s story full circle, from foster child and adoptee to foster-adoptive parent. “The fact that we got to adopt the first placement that we got is like winning the lottery,” Oden says. “It just does not happen. We were very blessed.” Now, Oden says he looks forward to instilling in his children the same sense of determination that he relied on during his time in foster care. He also hopes his message will reach beyond his own family through his book. “I looked back on my life and saw the way God had blessed me, and I saw the providence of his will in my life,” Oden says. “I thought I would be doing a disservice to God if I didn’t share with other people what he did in my life.” In his book, Oden shares his story openly, writing honestly about his past, his experiences as a foster parent, life in Afghanistan, and his belief that regardless of a person’s history, with God, they have a fighting chance at a future and a hope. He says his message to other children in the foster care system is that no matter where they came from, they don’t have to let that define their future. His book also includes a message for prospective foster parents. Oden says he often hears would-be foster parents tell him that they don’t want to get their hearts broken — that they are afraid to get attached to a child who will likely be returned to his or her biological parents “If you can take a kid who doesn’t have much of a chance and make an impact like my nine different homes did on me, I think you will see that it was worth it,” Oden says. “If you could open your heart, give these kids a home and show them who God is, then no matter what may happen, you know that these kids knew, at least during the time they were in your care, who God is and what love is. And that’s worth it.”
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My Full Life Circle Squared will be released this Veterans Day, November 11, during National Adoption Month. It will be available for purchase through Barnes and Noble and Amazon, and is also available for pre-order at www.myfulllifecirclesquared.com. A portion of all proceeds from the book will be donated to foster care and military charities. For those interested in learning more about the Odens’ story, you can contact them at fulllifecirclesquared@gmail.com.
One of the keys to being a successful foster parent is to understand the many perspectives of the people involved: the child’s birth parents, social workers, and most importantly, the foster child himself or herself. Michael French – foster dad, birth parent counselor, and writer of the blog Dads Unite – has glimpsed all of these sides of the foster care experience. Over the last four years, French and his family have fostered around 30 girls, some in the short-term and others in the long-term. In those four years, foster care has become a part of his daily life, impacted his career, and even brought a new addition into his forever family. His dedication to helping families over the last four years is a perfect example of the positive effect that foster care can have on so many people.
French says that foster care was initially a dream of his wife, but he had no idea of the effect it would have on his personal and professional life. As he went through the training process and heard firsthand accounts of other foster care parents’ experiences, he quickly realized he wanted to offer that same kind of care to children in the system. The family’s first placement was a girl, who stayed with them for five months. In the time French spent with her, he discovered the emotional attachment that can develop so quickly between foster families and children in their care. “Training doesn’t prepare you for it,” he said. “It’s just something you have to work through.” Even though it’s difficult to say goodbye, that didn’t stop French and his wife from pursuing foster care even more passionately. Today, they have one girl in long-term care and another whom they have adopted, named Jeanetta. It was Jeanetta, in fact, who played a role in French starting his blog in 2014. “She entered an essay contest called ‘What My Father Means to Me,’” he says. “They had almost 1,000 kids throughout the metro submit an entry. I was in shock – I’d never heard of the competition – and I started tearing up, because this girl, who’s had such a traumatic life, wrote about me.” Jeanetta’s entry made it into the top five, making French the first foster parent to reach that level. Although Jeanetta’s essay did not win, that was the last thing on French’s mind. “I didn’t get number one, but it didn’t matter to me because this young woman,” French said. “I made an impact on her. And she made an impact on me. And I didn’t want that event to be just an event. I wanted it to spur me on to something different.” That “something different” turned out to be his blog, Dads Unite. Along with sharing his experiences with the foster care system, he also hopes to create a community of support for fathers – particularly because of the result fatherlessness has on children in the foster care system.
Currently, French is finishing his graduate school education so that he can enter the field of counseling. He is working in outpatient services, counseling the biological parents of children in foster care. He feels especially strongly about working with fathers, who often do not have a lot of support. When French was in training to be a foster parent, he recalls feeling angry at the biological parents of the children in the system. But now working with them, he has seen the struggles they deal with and the lack of support they often have. Many of them also fall victim to uninformed judgments from others as well as self-imposed judgments. One of French’s clients in particular struggles with his faith in his ability to provide a good example for his daughter. “When he sees his daughter acting out, he says, ‘I’m a loser,’” French said. “And I try to tell him, ‘Would a loser be coming to counseling? Would a loser be taking parenting classes? Would a loser be doing everything they can to turn their life around? That’s not a loser.’” The work French has done with biological parents has made him passionate about supporting fathers, and he works to make a difference by supporting those parents – and more importantly, the children who find themselves in foster care.
French’s work is an effort to provide the kind of stable, caring home environment that children in foster care need. Many of these children have been through traumatic experiences, and foster parents can play a crucial role in finding safety and security – both before and after they age out of the system. The need for families is constant, due to what French calls “foster parent burnout.” Although there is sometimes high turnover for foster parents, children in foster care are always in need of homes – especially those who are about to age out of the system. Individuals who are about to leave the foster care system can benefit hugely from the support of a loving family. There are several programs to help people who age out, French says, but without a stable home environment, those programs are much less effective. French’s own daughter Jeanetta was adopted at the age of 19, serving as a reminder that it’s never too late to provide a forever family to someone who needs one. French encourages loving families of all kinds to make a difference in the lives of these children. “If there are families out there that can provide a good example, maybe they need to consider being a foster family and see the impact they could have on a life,” he said. And as Michael found out personally, not only did foster care positively affect his family’s foster children’s lives, but it greatly impacted their own lives as well. Visit Dads Unite to learn more about Michael French, his graduate school studies, and his experiences as a parent.
A study conducted this month has brought us one step closer to putting arguments against same-sex parenting to rest. Conducted in April, the study showed that the general health, emotional well-being, and learning ability was about the same whether the children in the study had same-sex or opposite-sex parents. For the study, the researchers observed 95 female same-sex households and 95 opposite-sex households. All of the homes were similarly stable and came from all across the country. Many previous studies have come to similar conclusions, and this one will only further exemplify the need for equality for same-sex parents. References:
Do I have the right to see my child? Am I legally protected? Will I receive compensation? Can they change the baby’s name? Does the biological father have any rights? Does it make a difference if I am married, dating or single? Will I get in trouble if I do this? How does the adoption process work? Will my child have to go into foster care before placement? These are just some of the questions that I had when I made the decision to put my son up for adoption. No matter how firm one is in their decision, it is still scary. I didn’t want to lose my legal rights until I knew where my son was going and I had to be sure that I had chosen who I was going to place him with. In the state that I lived in, there were quite a few laws that I had to become aware of. Some examples are:
Don’t let anyone tell you what the law is, making sure that you know it for yourself. I was blessed in the fact that the adoption agency I used hired a very experienced lawyer. I highly recommend that you do your homework before choosing a lawyer and an adoption agency. Ask all of your questions up front and make sure you are comfortable with the information that you are receiving. I know that there are horror stories about adoption processes, but I believe a lot of that had to do with ignorance. My adoption agent used to joke, “You always know what Lindsay is thinking because she doesn’t hold anything back.” Sure, it’s funny, but it’s also true. I didn’t hold anything back with my adoption agent and I asked the lawyer every single question I had. I was active in the legal proceedings and made sure I understood what was going on. Because of the fact that I educated myself and was empowered in this area at the time, my son was placed directly from my arms to the arms of his parents. There was no foster care home that had to take him. His biological father didn’t win contesting. I stress knowing the law for two reasons: it is what is best for the birth mother and it is what is best for the child. Be empowered. Be educated. Be verbal. Ask questions. Do your research. Know what is happening in your process. Make sure that you are comfortable with your adoption agent and that you actively pursue and stay in the loop. Most of all, don’t give up. Get creative. I moved counties so we would stand a better chance in court. Once you know where your child is meant to be, I know you will do anything to get them there. After all, that is what we do as parents: we do absolutely everything we can to ensure the health, happiness, and success of our children. – Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Is it even a choice? How can you compare the two? Some people would say that one has to do with a woman’s right to choose and some would say it’s a right to life. It would be easy for me to give my opinion on this topic, but I honestly believe it boils down to what is in the heart of a person. So let’s get really honest here about why I choose adoption instead of abortion. First of all, since I started having sexual intercourse I used protection. I was very well educated thanks to the fact that my mother was a nurse. I knew the risks involved with sex: becoming attached to someone, contracting an STD, and worst of all… becoming pregnant. So I had it in my mind that those could be very bad things, especially getting pregnant. I believed that it was wrong to become pregnant until I was ready to be a mother. I had been using the birth control pill and had severe endometriosis when I conceived. The thought didn’t even occur to me that I could become pregnant with the pill and an autoimmune disease working against my reproductive system, yet, miracles do happen. Now, some people in my life looked at that miracle as an accident. These are two very different lines of thinking. Miracle or accident? I choose to believe it was a miracle. I choose to believe that there are miracles everywhere. Not everyone thinks this way, and when I was in the middle of it, it didn’t feel like a miracle. To be completely honest, when I was told that I was pregnant by my doctor, I felt like I was in some kind of surreal nightmare. I drove around in my car for an hour and a half just contemplating what I was going to do. I knew I wasn’t ready to be a mother. I also realized that I just could not abort this little life, or thing depending on what you believe, that was inside of me. When I became aware of how I truly felt about being pregnant, I knew I was going to keep the baby. (I put him up for adoption when he was six months old.) I think that is the biggest factor in this decision making process. It’s who we are and what we truly believe that comes out. My pregnancy was no accident. How could it have been? I just don’t see it that way. After having my son, I spoke with many mothers and very few told me that their pregnancies were planned. Being a mother taught me that getting pregnant is not the worst consequence of sex. It’s a beautiful pro-creative byproduct of sex. I have had one night stands, I have been in a couple long-term relationships, and now I am happily married. Sex has held different meanings for me throughout my life. It has taken me some time to mature in my viewpoints. In this birth parent’s opinion, pregnancies are not accidents. The issues with abort versus adopt goes much deeper than just discussing what is on the surface. I believe it is a matter of how you see yourself, your view on sex, and your view on the relationship or relations that led to the pregnancy. I had to ask myself these hard questions. I have come to realize that making the choice to have sex (and I am only referring to when it is a choice), means accepting the responsibilities that come with it. That means making mature choices and educating and empowering ourselves to be able to make those choices. So ultimately I believe it’s up to the individual and the partners to determine one thing: is this an accident or a miracle? It’s up to us to determine how we want to look at ourselves and our lives. I have found it important to take personal responsibility, mature, and really consider the effects that my choices will have on myself, on others, and those I may not even know yet. – Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
I’m sure you have heard the quote; “United we stand, divided we fall.” What an appropriate quote for the life of a birth mother. I was all alone when I made the decision to put my son up for adoption. There was nowhere for me to turn. My decision was made regardless of how painful it was. My son was with his family, the ones he was always meant to be with. There was no one left in my corner since I had been disowned by almost everyone that I loved. It was just…. me. My son was gone, my family wasn’t to be found, and my friends didn’t understand. I have a Master of Art’s in Organizational Management with a specialization in Project Management. One thing that I know how to do is research, and I did my research. I searched and searched for resources that would help support me and guide me in my journey of healing. Of course, it didn’t feel like healing at the time; it felt like complete and utter despair and unending pain and suffering. So with all of the research that I did, what did I find? I found pockets of resources on random websites. Every website had something different to offer, but none were united to encompass everything that a birth mother goes through. Some of the websites looked promising at first glance, until I realized that they were inactive. I sent out messages, sought out friends on the Internet, and was let down time and time again. Adoption and birth parent support for me? Where? Almost nothing to be found… I went to a support group once and felt like I didn’t fit in at all. Coloring pictures and making macaroni necklaces was not my idea of in-depth healing for a birth parent. I needed substance, depth, understanding, encouragement, and most of all, someone to tell me that what I was going through was normal and that I wasn’t alone. What did I expect to find? I expected to find answers, help, anything that would ease the pain. I still felt all alone…. This is not the experience a birth parent should have after putting their baby up for adoption. This is not the experience anyone should have to go through after a traumatic event. Trauma affects us all in different ways, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t all need the same amount of support. Support is paramount in the process of healing. My stance on healing as a birth parent is grounded in the relationship that I have with myself, my God, and my son. I believe that everyone has a right to heal in their life from whatever pain that they may be going through. My reason for focusing on the healing of birth parents is evident in the fact that I am a birth parent. As you read my blog, and get to know me better, it will be obvious that I believe that healing is also the responsibility of a birth parent. I believe this because, ultimately, it is what is best for the child. Adoption is a selfless decision, and so is healing. It is much easier to hold on to pain than to work through it. Yet, if we chose to focus on the pain, what kind of future can we have for ourselves, and potentially what kind of future relationship will we be able to provide for our children and loved ones? I have an open adoption, which means that I have contact with my son and his parents. And while I will go into more detail in later articles about the nature of our relationship, I can tell you this much: being in pain does nothing to help him grow and understand where he came from. Healing, and being joyful about where my son is, is ultimately what is best for him. As a parent, I will always consider what is best for my child first. So, while I may not have legal or physical custody of him, he has my heart, and I want him to have it whole and healthy. If he ever needs anything, I am here for him. And if he doesn’t ever need anything from me, I still need something for myself and that is to love myself. Our right to heal is important, but our responsibility to heal is crucial to not only our children, but to ourselves. I recently listened to a sermon in church about unity. There were scripture quotes outlining how crucial it is to remain united, to remain selfless, and to remain humble. The sermon was given by a woman. Of course, I felt empowered, but I also felt a bit alone. I have been on a mission for years to reach out to other birth mothers. I have constantly been searching for support and understanding. I have been looking for other women who understand my heart. Sometimes I wonder where they all are hiding. The opportunity that I have been given to blog for ConsideringAdoption.com is not something I see as a personal quest for greatness and fame. This is an opportunity for me to continue in my own healing and play a part in the healing of others. This is an opportunity for us to meet each other and support one another. Whether you were referred to this website or stumbled upon it on your own search for healing, I hope it eases the load. I know that having a united front of support is crucial in healing, and I know this because I didn’t have it. Consideringadoption.com has reached out to me, and will continue to reach out to all of us. We can come together here and share with one another, laugh with one another, cry with one another, and be joined in our common bond. It’s not just what happened to us that bonds us. It’s not just a decision that we made one time that bonds us. What truly bonds us is that we are all searching for a way to live again. We all want to be happy, healthy, and whole, and it takes support and encouragement in order to do that. Let that be what bonds us! It is my hope that together we will stand united in loving our children, loving one another, and helping those who feel as alone as we may have to find comfort and companionship. I also hope that we are able to educate those who may not understand how truly beautiful adoption really is. I want to hear from you. I want to know that you are out there. I don’t want to feel alone anymore, and I don’t want you to have to feel alone. Let’s come together so we don’t have to go it alone! Welcome to ConsideringAdoption.com, where birth parents matter too even after the fact. You are not alone, and if you are feeling alone, please let us help you. Resources, support groups, articles, and blogs… use all of your resources to help you begin the healing process. And remember, healing is not only a right, but a responsibility “We are each other’s harvest; we are each other’s business; we are each other’s magnitude and bond.” – Gwendolyn Brooks – Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
As a result of a new policy, certain groups who were previously denied new social security numbers will now be able to obtain one. If you adopted a child after September 1, 2015 and were denied a social security number, you can now request one from the Social Security office. In the past, if a child was adopted by a stepparent or grandparents, or if he or she understood and knew about the adoption, then he or she was not eligible for a new social security number. This could sometimes create a miscommunication or unnecessary exchange of information between adoptive parents and birth parents, as states will sometimes identify parents using social security numbers. “Using the old number can lead to confidentiality issues too,” explains adoption attorney Heather Strickland. “In one case I had [a] Grandmother who adopted the child, fell on hard times, and sought state cash assistance. The state had the child’s social security number in their system so they knew the name of her birth father. Even though the child was adopted, and had a new name, the state automatically notified the birth father that an application was made on behalf of the child.” If you would like to request a new social security number for your child, contact your local Social Security Administration office. References:
On Thursday, U.S. District Judge Daniel Jordan deemed Mississipi’s same-sex adoption ban unconstitutional in a court hearing. The state has prohibited same-sex adoption since 2000. After four couples sued for their adoption rights last year, the judge banned Mississippi from enforcing the law, citing the Supreme Court ruling in favor of same-sex marriage. The couples who sued, as well as all other same-sex Mississippi couples, will be able to legally pursue adoptions for their families. The new ruling marks the legalization of same-sex adoption in all 50 states. References:
Last week, the Supreme Court unanimously voted to reverse an Alabama court’s decision not to recognize a same-sex adoption. The case involved an Alabama woman who, after separating with her partner, sought visitation and custody rights over their children. The Alabama court refused to recognize her parental rights because the children are biologically related only to the other partner, and the adoption they pursued was completed in Georgia. According to the court, the state of Georgia did not adhere to its own adoption laws in this process, and therefore the adoption was not valid. Then, the case moved on to the Supreme Court, who roundly rejected the reasoning of the state. The adoptive mother was allowed visitation with her children, and the decision marked yet another movement by the Supreme Court to protect the rights of same-sex parents. References:
A bill has been introduced to the Florida legislature that would give judges the ability to make a decision in the interests of an adopted child – even if it goes against the desires of the birth parents. The bill was unanimously approved in both the House and the Senate, and now it will move on to be reviewed by the governor. The proposal was initially introduced to clear up some inconsistencies in current Florida statutes. While birth parents can and should have a say in who adopts their child, this bill would only apply to extenuating circumstances. If passed, the bill would also protect the interests of children in foster care. With the introduction of this bill, the state of Florida is moving in a direction to ensure that its laws serve the well-being of adopted children in all situations. References:
