Our society gets plenty wrong about birth mothers. We could spend thousands of words listing it all out, but that wouldn’t help anyone. Instead, let’s focus on one big, important misunderstanding: that women who place children for adoption don’t want to be mothers.
This can go two ways. You may already have children and then create an adoption plan. Or, you could create an adoption plan and go on to have children several years later. This is not only normal; it’s true for the majority of birth mothers. But that’s not common knowledge in our culture.
That’s a problem, in part, because it creates a lack of resources. No one is providing the help you need if no one understands that position you are in. This leaves many women searching for answers to hard questions. Chief among them: how do I talk to my kids about my adoption?
Explaining your adoption plan to your other children can be hard. It’s emotionally sensitive; plus, depending on their age, it might be difficult for them to even understand the concept of adoption. That’s why we decided to create this short guide.
We want to help you navigate this delicate conversation with your children. Every family and relationship is unique, so you’re going to have to fill in the gaps with your own personal choices. With that being said, here are five things to keep in mind when you are talking to your children about your adoption:
Age-appropriate learning is real. Some women become flustered trying to help their children grasp the adoption process. But the process is confusing! Most adults don’t fully understand it — so there’s a good chance your 5-year-old child won’t quite get it. And that’s okay.
The important points for a young child to understand are that adoption was hard, but that it was also important. It created a better opportunity for yourself and the baby. Ultimately, your child needs to understand that they are loved. If your child feels loved and secure during this conversation, they will begin to understand that the same love was present when you chose adoption.
The back-and-forth with your children about the baby you placed for adoption will likely unfold over many years. Don’t try to cram the whole story into one conversation. As your kids grow, they’ll have new questions. They’ll begin to understand things about themselves, the world and family. As they do, they’ll understand adoption better and want to know more about your choice. Embrace this long-running discussion, if you can.
“So, does that mean I have a brother?”
Kids are smart. They’re going to connect the dots. If you had a baby, that means they do have a sibling. Even though adoption has created separation, the sibling connection still exists. It’s okay to explain this rather than attempting to deny it.
You could say, for example, that they do have a sibling, even though that sibling has a different mommy and daddy who love them very much. This helps you child understand that there is a connection and reinforces that everyone is safe and loved.
Children are often more intuitive than we give them credit for. They’ll pick up on what you’re feeling as you display it through tone, word choice and body language. If you approach adoption carrying a sense of guilt or shame, they’re probably going to sense that. And when they do pick up on any fear or negativity, that changes the whole tone of the discussion.
Every birth mother has a unique healing process after adoption. Some take a long time. If you’re not in a place yet, mentally and emotionally, where adoption is a positive part of your story, then that’s okay. You may want to wait to have this conversation with your children.
If you can speak of adoption with confidence, explaining how it is a choice that created a better life for yourself and the baby, that positivity will be soaked up by your kids.
You don’t have to come up with all the answers on your own. There are plenty of helpful resources out there, and the best may be talking with an adoption specialist. We can help with this.
Contact us any time if you are considering adoption for your baby or have adoption-related questions.
Even though open adoption is the norm when it comes to modern private domestic infant adoption, many adoptive parents have concerns about this kind of relationship. Will it confuse the adoptee? Will the birth parents co-parent with the adoptive parents? Will the birth parents be able to take their child back at any time? Because of these concerns and more, too many adoptive parents enter into the adoption process seeking a closed adoption relationship. And they’re not the only ones — there are birth parents who choose a closed adoption path, too, despite the known disadvantages associated with it. But, while closed adoption was an achievable norm for decades, the world has changed. Closed adoption is simply not as possible as it used to be. Kids are curious and inventive. When they have questions about their adoption, they will do everything they can to find the answers. With the internet at their fingertips, it’s easier than ever.
Today’s children are growing up in a world where the internet, social media and other digital activities are a constant part of their day. While we’re not here to debate the pros and cons of this lifestyle, we do want to evaluate how this has — and will continue to — change the open adoption landscape. The Pew Research Center reports that 93 percent of teens aged 12 to 17 go online, and 73 percent of those teens use social networking websites. While social networks can help teens connect with their friends nearby and far away, it also opens up the opportunity for teenagers to be contacted by people they do not know. In fact, 16 percent of teens are “friends” with someone they have never met in person, and 32 percent of online teens have been contacted online by a complete stranger. What does this mean? It means that teens are frequently contacting strangers on the internet — with a high likelihood that their parents are unaware of these friendships or connections. It’s a scary reality, and just another reason that parents should monitor their children’s online activities closely.
This research brings up an interesting aspect for those involved in closed adoption relationships. Based on these findings, it seems obvious that, if an adopted child is interested in finding their birth parents online, it won’t take them long to do so. Social media has certainly made open adoption more complicated, especially when teenagers are involved. But, it’s an even more complicated situation when a closed adoption is in place. Even if an adopted child knows about their parents’ and birth parents’ desires to keep the relationship closed, their own curiosity often wins out. It’s not long until a birth parent potentially finds a friend request from the baby they once placed for adoption, opening up a complicated relationship before anyone is ready. What we’re trying to say? Closed adoption in today’s world is never truly “closed.” There is no guarantee that contact will never be made between the members of the adoption triad; children use the internet in a native way that many parents cannot anticipate. Therefore, adoptive parents should always be wary of their children’s actions on the internet, especially if an adoptee starts expressing new interest in their birth family history. Any birth parent or adoptive parent should remember that, with access to the internet, a modern adoptee has more agency in their adoption story than ever before.
So, one thing is clear: Establishing a semi-open or open adoption relationship from the start can prevent all parties from unexpected communication down the line. By setting boundaries from a baby’s birth, an adoptee can receive the answers they need during their life while keeping their parents and birth parents comfortable with their existing relationships. But, with all of the other emotional and practical complications of the adoption process, it can be difficult to know exactly what kind of relationship all parties want at the beginning. A newborn baby certainly can’t share their thoughts. Rather than take the “easy way out” with no contact, consider these guidelines when establishing a future adoption relationship:
If you are an adoptive parent, your future open adoption contact will likely be up to the prospective birth parents. (Don’t worry — your adoption professional will only connect you with prospective birth parents who share the same desires.) The intimate details of your open adoption relationship will be decided together after your match, but you should never try to force a prospective birth parent into a relationship option they are uncomfortable with. Remember — they are sacrificing a great deal in placing their child with your family, and they have the right to choose the post-placement relationship that works for them.
That said, remember that adoption is a lifelong journey — full of ups and downs and ebbs and flows in contact. It may be tempting to restrict your contact preferences early on, but this can cause serious problems as your child grows up and becomes more curious about their birth family and adoption story. Adoption professionals agree it’s much easier to pull back on contact later on than try to increase it, so give you and your child the option at the beginning, even if you end up changing your mind later.
Like any relationship, open adoption is a constantly changing landscape. You and your child’s birth parents will naturally increase and decrease your contact over the years to come as you both deal with life changes, daily responsibilities and more. But, you must always keep your child’s interests at heart. If your child starts to ask about their birth family history, don’t shrug it off with an “I’ll tell you later.” Sit down with them, tell them the truth, and offer to reach out to their birth parents on their behalf. Taking these steps makes it less likely that your child will reach out on their own via the internet, unknowingly endangering themselves and putting their birth parents in an uncomfortable spot. As an adoptive parent, you have a responsibility to both of them; even if it’s hard, you must do what’s right for your child. Want to learn more about how open adoption works in private domestic infant adoption? Contact an adoption professional for free today.
Many of the hopeful parents who read our website have gone through or considered fertility treatments at one time or another. In fact, the majority of parents who eventually choose adoption do so after completing several in vitro fertilization cycles. Whether you are ready to move on to adoption or you are still considering your family-building options, it’s important that you are 100 percent aware of the political environment surrounding fertility treatments at this time. To help our audience of prospective adoptive parents, we’re tackling a controversial but crucial topic — new abortion bans across the United States. You’ve probably heard about the newly proposed restrictions on abortion making it impossible for women to terminate a pregnancy after a heartbeat can be heard — as early as six weeks into pregnancy. These bills are, in essence, total bans on abortion, as few women are aware they are even pregnant that early into the pregnancy. Other states, such as Alabama, have passed laws that ban abortion completely and allow for the prosecution of women who go out of state to receive the procedure. While we won’t touch on the ethical and moral implications of abortion as a whole, we do want to discuss an important topic — how these bans may actually affect the future availability and legality of fertility treatments such as IVF.
First things first: We want you to be fully educated about how and why pregnancies are terminated during the fertility treatment process. People who use fertility treatments to conceive are much more likely to get pregnant with more than one child. While the rate of multiple embryo transfers is falling, many patients today still request for more than one embryo to be transferred to their womb at once. IVF is expensive; transferring two (or more) embryos in one cycle can save hopeful parents’ money and increase the likelihood of success. However, it’s well acknowledged that a multiples pregnancy carries more risk to the pregnant woman and the embryos than a singleton pregnancy. A multiples pregnancy is more likely to result in a miscarriage, stillbirth or premature birth. Women who carry multiple fetuses are also more likely to develop serious complications such as preeclampsia and placental abruption. To reduce these risks, reproductive endocrinologists will suggest selective reduction — that is, using medication to stop one (or more) fetus’s heart and create a singleton pregnancy. But, singleton pregnancies aren’t immune to these procedures, either. Even though embryos are screened for genetic disorders prior to transfer, there is always the possibility of a disorder or chromosomal abnormality developing in utero. In these situations, some parents make the tough choice to terminate their pregnancy before attempting another IVF transfer. Selective reduction and termination aren’t used frequently in fertility treatments, and they’re not used flippantly. However, they play an important role in the journeys of many hoping to become parents.
Many of these “heartbeat” bills are in essence “personhood” bills — applying all the rights of a living human being to a fetus or embryo. While these bills may pass to mainly limit the right of women to terminate their pregnancies, they can also have an unintended effect on the thousands of hopeful parents who use IVF to add children to their families. An integral part of the fertility process is creating embryos in the lab, testing them for viability, and transferring only the healthiest ones for the best chance of success. It’s typical for hopeful parents to have leftover viable embryos or have embryos that would never be viable for a successful pregnancy. In most cases, they have three options: donate the embryos to another hopeful parent or to research, store them indefinitely, or discard them. But, when those embryos are assigned the rights of a living human, discarding them or donating them to research is out of the question. Hopeful parents would be forced to store the embryos indefinitely or donate them to other parents, even though donation of their genetic material is not something everyone is comfortable with. Heartbeat bills could make necessary termination and selective reduction illegal, and parents could be prosecuted for murder. As one infertility psychologist theorizes: “In short, as legislation regarding at what week of pregnancy an abortion can be performed potentially changes, such laws affect IVF. The assignment of personhood to embryos will mean that IVF clinics will no longer be able to create, freeze, or dispose of them. It would also prevent the retrieval of eggs for fertility preservation because those eggs would be used in the future to create embryos, thus creating ‘life’ in the lab.” In turn, those states that have “personhood” or “heartbeat” legislation could see a drastic reduction in infertility patients and a drop in overall birth rate. Hopeful parents would be unable to add to their family in the way they truly want to. While adoption will always be an option, it’s important to remember it’s not the right path for everyone. It requires intended parents to grieve the loss of a genetic connection to their child — and that can be a dream that’s hard to let go of. Here at ConsideringAdoption.com, we support everyone’s right to choose — or not to choose — adoption as they see fit. Many of our hopeful parent readers find themselves stuck between adoption and further infertility treatments at some time, which is why we want to offer the information they need to do what’s right for them. For more information on adoption after IVF, please contact a professional for free today.
When it comes to adoption, sometimes art can express a person’s emotions better than anything else. Take it from poet Tamara Jennette. A mother and grandmother herself, she was recently inspired by a birth mother’s story to write her poem, “A Broken Umbrella.” The young birth mother was homeless and, to give her unborn baby the best life possible, she made plans to place her for adoption. “She didn’t have much to offer her baby, except maybe a good decision,” Jennette remembers. “A victim of child abuse herself, she needed to reach deep within herself and make a choice that was extremely difficult but also full of love.” Inspired by that birth mother’s decision, Jennette began to write:
I’ve got a broken umbrella. It’s been through countless storms.
I’ve had it for quite awhile now… maybe since the day I was born.
My umbrella, at times, gets heavy and it never seemed to work right.
But still, it was there to protect me when no one else was in sight.
As I watch you sleep in your crib through the hospital glass window,
I want so bad to be a good mother, but I hear thunder still down the road.
I may not always be here, you know, to protect you when the rain pours.
And I want you to have more than I did. You need a home that feels safe and secure.
People around here try to judge me. They say I’m selfish. They say I’m no good.
They say I don’t make good decisions, or carry myself like I should.
They think they know who I am, but they don’t even have a clue.
They scoff at my broken umbrella in their raincoats and clean rubber boots.
It’s true I don’t have very much to offer, but what I have I’m giving to you.
I want you to have my umbrella, in case your skies ever turn grayish hues.
I’ll miss that umbrella of mine, but it’s not about me anymore.
And I’ll do whatever it takes, to keep you out of the storm.
I hope one day you understand that I don’t throw things I love away.
But I love you enough to let you go. May you only see bright sunny days.
A note from the author: “This poem was inspired by a special young lady named Brooke and dedicated to all mothers that struggle with the decision to place for adoption — and in doing so, give their child more love than they may have ever had by anyone in life themselves.”
It can be one of the most pressing, stressful, nerve-wracking questions to ask when trying to create an adoption plan: What about the father? Choosing to place your baby for adoption is a brave, difficult decision. It’s life-changing in every way, and any woman considering creating an adoption plan has worked through questions that are harder than anything most people have to do in life. Then, once that decision has been made, you come around to another part of the equation in the father. Every adoption situation is completely unique, especially when it comes to the relationship with the birth father. Occasionally, birth fathers may be present and supportive of adoption. Oftentimes, the birth father is absent, unknown or unreachable. Sometimes, the birth father is still in the picture and not supportive of adoption. These are only broad outlines, and the details that make up each situation are vast and complex. That’s why the best thing any woman considering adoption can do about the birth father is to speak to an adoption professional. Your adoption specialist is your best friend, your most trusted teammate. They have your back, and they will do everything possible to make your adoption process go as smooth as can be. In order for your adoption specialist to do the best job for you, you need to be completely honest with them. But even in this safe space, with this trusted person, it can be scary to talk about the birth father. What do you say, and where can you even begin? Here are a few pointers for how to talk to your adoption professional about the birth father.
It bears repeating: your adoption specialist is completely dedicated to making your experience with the process as good as possible, and they can only do this to the extent that they fully understand your situation and needs. Honesty can be a challenge, but it is completely necessary. Whether it has to do with financial, emotional or relational needs relating to adoption, honesty is always the best policy with your adoption specialist.
This is directly connected to being honest. It’s normal to feel afraid, anxious or ashamed when sharing some of the grittier details of life. This is true for anyone. As a woman considering adoption, it’s possible that some important facts about your situation cause you to feel scared or embarrassed. Your adoption specialist is a safe person who will never judge you. Even when it’s hard, try to push past feelings of fear or shame to share the complete picture of your relationship with the birth father. Remember, your adoption professional has worked with dozens — if not hundreds — of women who have considered adoption. She has heard a lot of things about birth fathers, and some of them probably weren’t very pretty. In every situation, the response will be non-judgmental and helpful. These specialists are eager to work with you, and you can play your part by speaking with honesty and trusting your adoption specialist.
Ask away. If you’ve got a concern or are confused about anything, your adoption specialist is there to help you. The whole adoption process is complex. Most people find it confusing. This is especially true when it comes to birth father rights. The outcome will depend on the unique details of your situation, on the laws of the state you live in and on other factors. It’s normal to be confused by all this, and it’s better to ask questions instead of hiding the confusion.
Don’t wait until the last minute to ask questions or share information about the father of the baby. We know how uncomfortable this topic can be, but don’t let that stop you from sharing your full situation with your adoption specialist right from the start. The earlier you start this conversation, the more time you and your adoption specialist will have to create a smooth road toward a successful adoption. Everything is harder when it’s rushed, and you don’t want a process this important to have any late-game surprises. If you can be honest, unafraid, inquisitive and timely in your conversations with your adoption specialist about the father of the baby, you will put yourself in a better situation to complete a successful adoption. To speak with an adoption specialist today, you can request more free information about adoption at any time.
Infertility is a widespread struggle in America. It may be more common than you imagine — one out of eight couples face it each year. But that probably doesn’t address your feeling appropriately. Solidarity is nice, but it doesn’t solve the problem when you are in the midst of it.
Moving on from infertility is a personal process of healing. It’s unique to each individual. Even within a relationship, you and your partner may need a different amount of time to recover. Through the healing process, most couples still never lose sight of their dream to become parents. Eventually, when you’re feeling ready, it’s common to being researching alternative family-building options.
Perhaps this search has led you to adoption. Adoption can be an amazing way to start a family. If you’re new to the subject, there’s a lot to learn. There are agencies and laws and home studies and types of adoption to understand. Before getting to those important subjects, you and your partner need to answer one important question: Are we ready to move on from infertility to adoption?
Only you will know the true answer. We want to help you find it.
Based on many years of experience, here are four questions to ask yourself that will help you determine whether or not you are ready to move on from the pain of infertility and begin the adoption process.
Embracing pain is hard. It’s easier to hide it somewhere deep inside of you and pretend that things are alright. But that’s not how you heal from a diagnosis of infertility. This diagnosis takes the ability to have biological children away from you. For many people, that’s a crushing blow. Moving on quickly can feel easier than dealing with how this makes you feel. But moving on quickly without processing the pain will come back to bite you in the long run.
Many couples find counseling to be very helpful in this situation. Others may not need a counselor, but still need time to be honest about how they feel. If you’ve only recently received your diagnosis of infertility, we would encourage you to not rush to other family-building methods. Have you taken the time you really need to process this life-changing news?
Adoption doesn’t have to come first chronologically, but it does need to be of equal value. Adoption isn’t most couple’s first idea, and that’s fine. However, it shouldn’t be seen as a lesser-than alternative to biological children.
How do you see adoption? Can you embrace it as an equally valid way to have children, or does it seem like a fallback option? Don’t be disingenuous with your partner about these questions. It’s better to be honest upfront — even if your honesty may make you feel bad — than to start a life-changing process with serious reservations.
There are deeply personal emotional aspects of healing from infertility to consider. There are also logistical problems that we have to think about. If you have attempted IVF treatments or other medical response to infertility, you likely invested quite a bit of money into attempts at having a child biologically. This frustrating reality only adds to the pain.
Is your financial life stable and ready to take on another significant investment? The cost associated with the adoption process can be too much for some families. You don’t have to be rich to adopt, but you do need to be prepared.
Financial pressure is one of the most common sources of anxiety in America. As you heal from your struggle with infertility and prepare for an emotional journey with adoption, the last thing you need is an additional point of stress in your life. Getting your finances in order before adopting makes a big difference in the way you experience the process.
What’s your gut reaction to the thought of holding your adopted child for the first time? Listen to your instincts. If you don’t feel hopeful, your subconscious may be trying to tell you that it’s not time to move on yet.
It’s okay to have concerns. You can feel nervous and even a little scared. That’s completely normal. But if there’s not a spark of hope and excitement when you think about adoption, it may not be time to start the process.
When it comes to this feeling, it’s important that both partners are on the same page. We’ve seen how hard it can be on a relationship when one partner is charging ahead with the other begrudgingly following along. You both need to feel some excitement about your future when you think about adoption. Otherwise, the adoption process can turn into another family-building attempt that causes pain.
Take your time to ponder these questions. Talk with your partner. Be open and honest with each other. If you decide you are both ready to pursue starting a family through adoption, then congratulations. Adoption is beautiful. The process may be long and challenging, but it is always worth it.
You can contact us at any time about adopting a baby. We would love to connect you with a knowledgeable and helpful adoption professional.
If you’re a woman considering adoption for your baby, you’ve probably heard a lot about open adoption. You’ve most likely running across articles telling you…
How common it is,
How good it is,
Why everyone is choosing it
And more.
But there’s one problem: you don’t think it sounds so good. If you have reservations about the thought of continued contact with your child after an adoption placement, you’re not alone. You’re probably wondering if there are other options; if closed adoption is still a possibility.
In the article, we’ll look at closed adoption in the modern-day process. We’ll discuss why you might consider it, how you can choose it, and pose some questions to consider about your adoption communication plan.
You’re in charge of your adoption process. That’s the foundational truth to keep in mind throughout this whole discussion. It’s important that you feel respected and empowered. If you are feeling pressured and not in control, that’s probably a sign you should be working with a different adoption professional.
What does this have to do with closed adoption? It means that it is your choice to make. There are plenty of factors to consider. At the end of the day, you get to choose what’s going to be best for you.
Your adoption plan is your roadmap to the adoption process. You decide which turns to take and where you want to go. With the help of an adoption specialist, you’ll create this plan. It’s one of the first steps in the adoption process, and it may surprise you how many choices you get to make.
You choose the adoptive family you want to adopt your baby. You pick the hospital where you’d like to give birth. And you work with your adoption specialist to come up with an adoption communication plan.
The vast majority of infant adoptions today do involve some level of communication between the birth mother and the adoptive family. Oftentimes, this communication is moderated by the adoption specialist. Other times, a family and birth mother will form their own bond.
But, you may be thinking, “I don’t want any contact. How do I make that happen?”
You work with your adoption specialist to create a closed adoption communication plan. Some information may still need to be exchanged pre-placement, but you can channel it all through your adoption specialist and have no contact with the family, if you want. While this is rare, it is possible. Like we said, you’re in charge, and you get to do what’s going to be best for you.
Closed adoption could be right for you. It’s also true that there are good reasons open and semi-open adoption are on the rise. The last thing we want to do is try to convince you to choose one way or another. Rather, we’d encourage you to consider a few things that may help you determine which type of adoption communication plan is going to be best for your life.
Ask yourself: Why is it that I don’t want to have communication with the adoptive family? Your reasons may be completely legitimate. There’s also a chance that you have heard some myths about open adoption and your concerns are tied to these ideas. Ask your adoption specialist what open adoption is really like and pay attention to how this makes you feel. In many cases, previously held fears fade away when common misconceptions about open adoption are corrected.
Ask yourself: Do these benefits outweigh my concerns? We know that you love your child. In the course of creating your adoption plan, you’ll perform a balancing act between what is best for you and what is best for your baby. Ideally, these two aims can come together, although sometimes we understand that you need to choose what is best for yourself. That could mean choosing closed adoption. Consider, however, the significant benefits of open adoption for a child. You can discuss these benefits in-depth with your adoption specialist before reaching a decision.
Ask Yourself: Could an ongoing connection to my child actually make me feel better about my adoption? It comes as a surprise to many birth mothers how good open adoption makes them feel. At first, there’s a concern that leaving the door open could produce regret. Instead, it helps reinforce that adoption was the right choice. As you see your child growing and thriving, you can feel a sense of peace about your adoption plan.
Ask Yourself: Am I prepared to consider my closed adoption with every action I take online for the rest of my life? Social media and DNA sites are making it much harder for an adoption to remain closed. It has never been easier for the most tech-savvy generation of adoptees, who happen to have access to the most advanced digital communication tools in the history of the world, to locate their birth parents. In a closed adoption, this is something you’ll have to think about when doing anything online.
You are in charge of your adoption. If you want to choose closed adoption, you can. It is the right choice in some situations. Carefully evaluate the pros and cons of open adoption for your life and, with the help of your adoption specialist, you can create a plan that is best for you.
If you have more questions about choosing a closed vs. open adoption, you can contact us today.
It almost seems impossible today to carry on with our everyday lives without the presence of social media. From posts about outfits we wear and food we eat to more important issues like family or politics, we can record and share issues that are dear to us. Finding connections on social media has its benefits, but there are times when a post can muddle the line between informative and inappropriate. Putting our best foot forward when it comes to social media etiquette will benefit both the birth family and the adoptive family as they move ahead in adoption and the years to come.
When I worked in a school system with children on a daily basis, I focused heavily on ensuring that they understood that a post on social media is irrevocable. Once we put something out there for the world to see, the delete button only acts as a Band-Aid to cover the wound. The post has either already been seen and remembered or can be found again much later. The thoughts, pictures, or even friends we share have a finality that prompt us to be mindful of all that is out there. As a birth family or adoptive family that shares social media relationships, we must consider the other half of our family when the permanence of the internet is involved.
My social media accounts are already set to private so that the information I care to share is only for certain people on my friends list. I am careful to only accept friend requests from people I personally know, and even then, the details of my life are not spelled out for all to see. When going through an adoption, you not only want to protect your information but also the information of your adopted child and his/her family. When choosing to share pictures and details of your adoption, only do what you believe to be respectful to all families involved.
As more adoptions are leaning toward an open or semi-open adoption, new ways of information sharing are being considered. Many times in years past, pictures and letters would be mailed to an adoption professional or social worker and families would receive these throughout the year. However, an easier and more accessible option now is to use social media to share pictures and updates about adopted children directly with their birth family. One of the best options when using social media is to create an account that is private and can only be seen by the adoptive family and birth family. This allows both families access to share and receive photos much faster and have a social media account that will record their correspondence for the adopted child to re-read someday.
If you feel strongly about a certain aspect of social media when it comes to your adoption, find the time to share your thoughts. The first place to open up would be with your adoption professional. I always like to bounce ideas and even apprehensions off someone who could affirm what I was feeling or help me to reevaluate a better option. Then, if your adoption professional suggests that you take time to voice your desires to the birth/adoptive family, carefully discuss your feelings so expectations are known from the beginning.
If everything we posted online was done out of respect not only for ourselves but also for those who would be reading it, we would be a lot more careful with our words and probably post a lot less. Again, I had to remind the children that I worked with that if they were typing a post to go online, they should read and re-read their words before clicking to publish it. If their words could be misconstrued by someone, if they were showing a bad representation of themselves or their families, or if they would regret their words, or photos, tomorrow, then the post didn’t need to be made. The same advice goes for all parties involved in adoption, and what they choose to share on social media. Is it going to demean or leave an unfavorable portrayal of someone involved in your adoption? Would your child appreciate what you posted five or ten years from now? Are you showing the same respect that you want shown towards you? Social media can be such a resourceful and accessible tool that birth and adoptive families are able to use. Brushing up on common-sense social media etiquette will allow everyone involved to be certain of decent expectations and smoother relationships. Don’t be afraid to communicate with each other what type of social media presence you feel comfortable establishing as you embark on your adoption journey.
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Jill is a 32-year-old wife and mom. She has been married to her husband, Brannon, for eight years and has 5-year-old and 1-year-old daughters. Jill and her husband are currently in the adoption process to bring another baby into their home. Jill lives in a small community in Kentucky. She has her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and Spanish and obtained her Master’s degree in Christian Ministries. Jill’s passions are her faith, her family, writing, playing sports, and eating good food.
We know you’re not trying to be mean.
We know that you’ve got a good heart. You’re just trying to start a conversation. To learn a little bit more about something you really don’t understand. We know all of that.
But still…
There are just some things you can’t say. A woman facing an unplanned pregnancy is going through one of the most challenging curveballs life can throw at you, especially if the timing for the pregnancy couldn’t be worse. And if this woman is choosing adoption for her baby — a brave, loving, courageous decision — this is an even more challenging time for her.
It’s up to the people around her — friends, family and community — to educate themselves. She needs all the love and support possible. Letting an accidentally offensive question slip isn’t okay. Even though your intentions are in the right place, you have to use the right words.
Here are five things you should NOT say to a woman considering adoption.
“Giving a baby up for adoption” is one of the most common phrases in our cultural lexicon for adoption. Its use is so ubiquitous that we rarely stop to examine what we are actually saying. Think about it; what does it mean to “give up?” To quit. To fail. To stop trying.
None of these things accurately describe what a woman is doing when she chooses adoption. She’s not “giving up” at all. She’s making a proactive decision from a place of deep love that creates a better life for herself, an adoptive family and her baby.
You probably don’t mean to imply anything negative when you ask this question, but the implication is there. Instead of asking about “giving up” her baby, you can ask a woman about “creating her adoption plan” if you would like to better understand the process she is going through.
Big decisions require serious commitment. Any woman considering adoption isn’t being frivolous. She’s thinking long and hard about what is going to be best for her life. Once she’s reached a decision, questions like this can reintroduce doubt, which can be hurtful.
What other major life decisions would it be okay to ask this about? We understand that it would be rude to question someone’s new job, or engagement or home purchase. Once someone has made a choice, it’s important to respect that. The same goes with adoption. Rather than prod with questions that could lead to wavering, offer support, encouragement and trust.
This is a great example of good intentions gone awry. What you may be trying to say is, “You are so brave, and I don’t think I could be that brave.”
What it most likely comes off as, “I would never do that.”
Even though you may be meaning to offer praise, it could come off as judgement. One way to avoid this is by removing the “I” from the equation. If a friend or family member is choosing adoption for their baby, it’s not about you. Instead of talking about what you could or could not imagine doing, offer direct encouragement.
You are making a brave choice.
You’re doing a really good thing.
Focus on them and you’ll be a more supportive presence during the adoption process.
This is true, but not helpful. Pregnancy is deeply personal. What one person wants has no effect on a different person. While many women do dream of pregnancy, your friend (or family member) was not dreaming of this. Now she’s left figuring out the best way forward.
By choosing adoption, she’s doing something brave. She’s making a choice that gives herself and her baby the best opportunity for a bright future.
Women who choose adoption love their babies. As we said earlier, adoption isn’t giving up. It’s also not a matter of “not wanting” a child. It’s about what is possible and what path gives everyone involved the greatest opportunity to thrive.
For many women, parenting is an unrealistic response to an unplanned pregnancy. There are plenty of reasons for this, all equally valid in their own ways. The important thing to know is that a woman choosing adoption loves her baby. She’s created an adoption plan and is choosing an adoptive family so that her baby can grow up feeling loved and safe in a home that provides opportunity.
This is why the assumption that a woman does not want her baby can be so hurtful. If you know someone who is placing a baby for adoption, don’t ask why they don’t want their baby. Just ask if there any ways you can be helpful and supportive.
Adoption is a personal and emotional topic. It can be difficult to discuss. Just remember to avoid these five things, and to instead offer consistent encouragement. Your support means a lot to someone who is placing a baby for adoption.
Parents can be awkward. Let’s just face facts — they are not always the easiest people to talk to. Whether it’s about relationships, school, friend problems or finances, parents can sometimes make these topics difficult. Talking to your parents about your adoption, then, can seem downright terrifying. It’s also an important conversation to have. Adoption used to be kept secret, which was a terrible and harmful practice. Today, most parents discuss adoption openly with their child. As you grow older, you’re probably trying to figure out the best way to bring up the topic and ask some sensitive questions. A quick search will yield thousands of results telling parents how to talk with their kids about adoption. But what about you? Where’s the adoptee’s perspective in this discussion? You have questions, too. We’re here to help. We can’t promise these tips will remove all the awkwardness from the situation, but they will help you prepare for some important conversations. Here are four things to keep in mind when you want to talk to your parents about your adoption.
Discussing adoption can be like walking through a minefield. You never know when a misstep is going to set something off. This topic holds a lot of emotions — for everyone. Navigating it requires a balancing act between honest and empathy. Honesty, because you should be true to your feelings. Empathy, because you should be aware of the feelings your parents might have. Don’t deny yourself the right to learn about your story and work through what it means for your identity. Be honest and upfront about the things that weigh on your heart and mind. You deserve the space to ask the questions you need answered. At the same time, be sensitive to the love your parents have for you, and how some of your questions may make them feel. Don’t compromise, but do approach these topics with care and caution. While it is also up to your parents to do their part in this conversation by putting your needs ahead of their own, they’re only human. Do your best to take this into account when you decide to start the conversation.
Adoption leaves you with a lot to talk about. You may want to know what it was like for your parents during the adoption process, or why they decided to adopt in the first place. There are questions about adoption and identity, and these questions can be difficult to answer. Don’t feel like you need to pack this into one conversation. Take your time talking about adoption. Some discussions may come easier than others. You can also expect your feelings about certain subjects to change over time. Think of talking about your adoption with your parents as an ongoing conversation instead of a one-off discussion.
Some people who come home through adoption struggle with guilt stemming from their interest in their biological family. Remember this: you should never feel ashamed for wanting to understand your story. Your connection to your biological family matters. Thankfully, many modern-day adoptions are at least semi-open, which establishes an incredibly helpful foundation for talking to your parents about your adoption. If your adoption has always been closed, this may be a hard discussion to initiate. There’s a chance that talking about your biological family will make your parents feel insecure. While it’s always good to be sympathetic to their feelings, you shouldn’t let this stop you from having the conversation. Explain that your curiosity about your biological family is not a rejection of your parents. Rather, it is a desire to understand where you come from and who you are. Adoption is a part of your story, and that story starts with a biological family. Having questions about your biological family is normal and good. It can help you form a deeper sense of identity as you think through your own adoption story.
If you can manage it, take time to think about this conversation before you start it. What do you want to walk away with? What are you most interested in hearing your parents’ perspective on? Are there blank spaces in your story that you want filled in? If you can form a clear picture of how you’d like the conversation to go, you’ll have a better chance of a good experience. This will also help you approach your parents with a calm state of mind. Talking to your parents about your adoption can be challenging, but it can also be helpful. Each story and relationship is unique. With these tips in mind, you can prepare for a successful talk.
