Because infant adoption is a unique process, many expectant mothers considering this path have questions before starting. Will I ever see my child again? Do I get to choose the family? Is adoption free for me?
One of their most common questions: If I give my baby up for adoption, will it go to foster care?
The answer to this question is always no. Children placed for adoption go straight into the custody of a loving and prepared adoptive family, who will raise them for the rest of their life. When you put a baby up for adoption, it does not go into a foster care home, as long as you take the steps to create an adoption plan and choose a family for your baby.
If you are concerned about your child being placed into foster care, we encourage you to contact an adoption professional straight away. They can answer any questions you have about the adoption process and, when you’re ready, guide you through creating an adoption plan in the best interest of your child’s welfare.
It’s normal to have concerns about putting a baby up for adoption and having it end up in foster care. But, the fact is, when you take the time to make an adoption plan with an adoption agency or professional, your child will never be at risk for placement within the state system.
When you choose to give your child up for adoption through private infant adoption, you are in charge of the process the entire time. This means you choose the family you want to adopt your child, as well as any future contact you want with them. You can also decide what your hospital plan looks like, and you will always have the right to change your mind about these decisions any time before signing your adoption consent. When you choose to place your child for adoption with a private adoption agency, it is always a voluntary decision. Even if you change your mind about your adoption, you will keep your child, as long as you can provide a safe home for them. Usually, they will not be placed in foster care, but always talk to your child protective services caseworker (if you have one) to determine whether foster care placement is a possibility for your child.
On the other hand, children that are placed into foster care are under the jurisdiction of the state. Professionals have deemed that their biological parents cannot properly care for them at this time, and the children are removed from their parents’ home and placed in a safer foster home. While biological parents have a right to complete a reunification plan and retain parental rights, they have no say in their child’s placement like those who choose voluntary adoption do.
While we’ve provided a basic explanation of the differences between the private domestic infant adoption and foster care placement process, you probably still have a few questions. Again, we encourage you to contact an adoption professional for more information, but we’ve also answered some of these questions below:
Children and infants who are placed for adoption voluntarily by their parents always have an adoptive home waiting for them. There is never the chance of placing your baby and not having an adoption plan set for them. This is why you work with an adoption professional from day one; they can help you create an adoption plan, which involves finding an adoptive family for your baby.
Because of this step, when you put a baby up for adoption, it does not go into a foster care home — but into a permanent home with a loving adoptive family. Children placed for adoption by their birth parents are never not adopted. The perfect family for your child is out there, and you will always have the right to choose them.
Often, women who choose adoption at the last minute (either late in their pregnancy or after they have given birth) worry about the possibility of foster care placement for their baby. If they don’t have an adoptive family in mind but wish to place their child for adoption, they wonder whether they can still find a safe home for their baby.
No matter where you are at in your pregnancy (or if you have already given birth), you can still find adoptive parents for your baby. There are many hopeful parents who are happy to adopt a child at the last minute, even those who are weeks or months old. However, to find those parents, it’s important that you contact an adoption professional. They can quickly connect you with families who meet your preferences, eliminating the risk of your child being placed into foster care. Even if there is time between you surrendering your parental rights and the adoptive family arriving, your adoption professional will take custody of your child. They will not be placed into foster care.
Placing a child for adoption is never anyone’s choice but your own, regardless of your personal circumstances. You will never be forced or obligated to choose adoption, even when you contact a professional, but the state may take custody of your child if they deem your situation unsafe for your child. If you are concerned about this possibility, it’s a good idea to contact a family lawyer or child services social worker.
If you worried about putting a baby up for adoption and having it end up in foster care, make sure you understand how the foster care system works. Parents of children placed in foster care have the right to complete reunification plans, and parental rights are never terminated until several attempts at reunification have failed.
However, if you think your child will be placed into foster care, you can always choose to make an adoptio n plan to provide a safe and stable adoptive family for them — rather than the instability and uncertainty of life in the foster care system.
If you are still asking, “If I give my baby up for adoption, will it go into foster care?” please reach out to an adoption professional for more information about this process and to make sure it’s the right path for you.
Did you know there is actually an anti-adoption movement — one in which writers are actively attacking the beautiful process of adoption? Honestly, it shocks me how one ignorant, anti-adoption person can shift a political and social climate.
But you know what amazes me even more? The redeeming Power of God — the fact that we can take any experience and choose to learn from it instead of letting it define us.
Before I even made my adoption decision, I asked myself very seriously if I felt I may regret such a decision one day. There were many external voices influencing me in many different directions, so achieving mental silence to hear myself only was a challenge. However, I was able to reach my goal as I realized that I knew 110 percent in my heart that adoption was the best decision for me and for my son.
I know that there are adoption stories that have spent years, maybe even decades, in disappointment and grief. However, one person’s bad experience does not make the decision for what anyone else’s path of healing may look like.
I don’t know that I have an exact definition for what pro-adoption is, but I imagine it’s when someone is all about adoption and no other option. I am not of that belief. I have written many times over on all unplanned pregnancy options: parenting, abortion or adoption. However, I still have strong views on the fact that a woman must not only make her own decision but live with that decision, as well. I think that healing is a right and a responsibility of everyone who has faced some sort of heartbreaking event in their lives, including the upheaval of an unplanned pregnancy.
I believe that healing is a journey, and that everyone’s path looks a bit different.
I have heard many arguments over why adoption is or is not a bad decision. The truth is, the only way anyone can know if adoption is the right decision or not is if they are the woman who is actually facing the decision.
Something miraculous happens when a woman becomes pregnant and decides to carry a baby to term: she immediately becomes a mother to the life inside of her. Whether she wants the baby or not, she is still the sole provider for the pregnancy.
Whatever her feelings about her unplanned pregnancy, the reality is that she is solely responsible for deciding how to move forward. That sense of responsibility brings with it a new level of consciousness within us, and as women, we can choose to ignore it, influence it or embrace it. It is for this reason that I believe that a woman has a right to choose how she will handle her unintended pregnancy.
So, when is adoption the right choice? When a woman knows without a doubt that adoption is the right choice.
I love my adoption story, my experience with adoption, and being a birth mother to the most perfect little boy on the planet. I have an open adoption — a very open, open adoption. My son and I live hours apart, but we remain in communication over the year in between visits. I have a wonderful relationship with my son’s parents. While we have had our ups and downs, we have navigated through troubled waters into the calm of the beach together.
Is my adoption truly a fairy tale? No. It’s real life. I still struggle with loneliness as a birth mother, I still struggle with grieving my role as a mother, and I still miss my son sometimes. However, I have a walked a path of healing long enough to know that healing is a journey, not a destination.
I would consider myself to be more pro-empowerment than anything else. I believe with every fiber of my being that without some sort of foundation in a belief or value system, we will never feel confident in ourselves. I am a big believer in educating myself on topics I am curious about, doing research on decisions I am making, and learning as much as I can with the experience I am given and the time that I have.
Take, for example, my writing career. My higher education is in business; however, I have been keeping a diary almost daily since I was a little girl. Over time, I have worked hard toward becoming a better writer who uses her words to help other women facing unplanned pregnancies be empowered in their own choices. I believe in my cause, and I fall hard for a passion — and, in writing, I have found a way to combine the two.
I believe it is up to every woman to fully educate herself about all of her choices in order to make an empowered choice. If you are a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy, please reach out to an adoption agency, like American Adoptions, to discuss all of your pregnancy options, including adoption. Do your research and be honest with yourself about what you can and can’t handle in the long-term. No matter what, remember more than anything else: You are not alone.
An unplanned pregnancy can be very scary for a woman who is unprepared for it. However, with the strength of a lioness, you can unleash courage into any situation — if you only dig into your own foundational roots. I believe in you.
-Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Despite the fact that it perpetuates inaccuracies about the adoption process and is a harmful phrase for all members of the adoption triad, the phrase “giving a baby up” continues to be used time and time again in adoption circles. While adoption professionals and informational resources like Considering Adoption always work toward educating people about the proper terms for adoption, “giving a baby up” occupies a space in the adoption conversation that’s hard to replace.
So, if everyone keeps using this term, why do professionals continue to push for alternative phrases for “give up for adoption?” Shouldn’t the use of the vernacular be the best way to reach those interested in the adoption process? Why is ‘give up for adoption’ bad, especially when so much of the information found online uses those terms?
It’s a complicated issue to discuss. Let’s dive a little deeper into this important concept.
The majority of adoption professionals advocate for different ways of saying “give baby up for adoption.” After all, this phrasing implies that a woman’s choice to place her baby for adoption is a selfish one, not one made after much consideration for her child’s best interest. It makes the choice of adoption seem easy and almost flippant, and it creates a negative connotation for the women who have chosen this path. To “give up” implies that an expectant mother made the wrong choice in choosing adoption, although this is very often the best choice for a woman’s particular situation.
While almost everyone with an experience in the adoption world will advocate for other words for “giving up for adoption,” you’ll still see this phrase in many adoption websites — including our own.
So, why is that?
Many of the pregnant women who are considering adoption for the first time have no prior knowledge of the adoption process. The only information they may have is what they have gleaned from pop culture, an area in which the phrase “give up for adoption” is especially common. Therefore, when they search online for information related to placing their child for adoption, they use the phrase “give up” — often not knowing there are different ways of saying “give baby up for adoption.”
In order to help these women receive the unplanned pregnancy and adoption counseling they need, adoption professionals and websites use these terms in their online resources. This way, a prospective birth mother can better identify the information helpful for her at this stage in her pregnancy. In many of these articles, these adoption professionals will then go on to explain why you shouldn’t say “give up for adoption” and why you should instead focus on the positives of giving a child the best life possible with adoptive parents.
Therefore, if you ever see this term on our website, know that it is not a term that should be used lightly in conversation. We truly believe there are better alternative phrases for “give up for adoption,” and we take every opportunity we can to educate about those better choices and bring a more positive outlook to discussions about the adoption process.
We’re glad you asked! There are plenty of different phrases that can be used instead of “give up for adoption” — phrases that better encompass the caring, loving and selfless decision many expectant mothers make to give their children the best lives possible.
Some different ways of saying “give baby up for adoption” include:
While we’re on the subject of other ways to say “give up for adoption,” we’ll also reiterate the importance of using positive adoption language in all your discussions of this family-building process. Here are some adoption-negative phrases we commonly hear — and what should be said instead:
Adoption is a family-building process that affects a growing number of Americans, which is why using correct terminology for “give baby up for adoption” (and other adoption phrases) is so important. We encourage you to share this post to help spread the word about the correct ways to talk about this sensitive topic and help create a more positive view of adoption for others in the world.
A recent vote on an amendment by the House Appropriations Committee would allow taxpayer-funded adoption agencies and child welfare organizations to refuse service to gay couples based on the organization’s religious beliefs.
While some states, such as Kansas and Oklahoma, have recently passed similar bills at the state level, this would be the first national legislative action against LGBTQ adoption rights. Specifically, this amendment would make it permissible for child welfare providers, such as organizations working in the foster care system, to refuse service to LGBTQ people on the basis of their sexual orientation. The vote passed by a margin of 30-22.
Additionally, the bill would punish states that refuse to offer this protection of religious beliefs. States that support LGBTQ rights would likely push back at the state level, but the amendment includes a 15 percent cut in federal funding for child welfare services for any state who takes such an action.
The language used in the bill protects organizations “sincerely held religious beliefs or moral convictions.” The amendment’s author, GOP Rep. Robert Aderholt of Alabama, was straightforward when translating what this means.
“The reason for this is simply because these organizations, based on religious conviction, choose not to place children with same-sex couples,” Aderholt told CNN.
There are other groups who could be impacted by this legislation, too. Because some religious organizations believe that divorce is a sin, previously divorced individuals could be refused services on the basis of religious beliefs. The same applies to interfaith couples whose beliefs contradict those of the organization, as well as single-parent households who are unable to provide a traditional two-parent family.
The bill passed the Republican-controlled House Appropriations committee, but it still has several steps left before it turns into law.
Research has shown again and again and again that children raised in loving LGBTQ-households show no signs of different development from children raised by opposite-sex parents. For decades, false ideas about LGBTQ parents supported discrimination against LGBTQ couples in adoption. Recently, that trend has been reversed. This amendment, many say, would be a step in the opposite direction.
“Any Member of Congress who supports this amendment is clearly stating that it is more important to them to discriminate than it is to find loving homes for children in need,” said David Stacy, director of government affairs at the Human Rights Campaign.
In addition to harming LGBTQ couples who dream of growing their family through adoption, an amendment like this neglects research that shows a disproportionate level of youth in foster care are LGBTQ. Because LGBTQ youth are over-represented in the foster care population and LGBTQ parents are more likely to adopt, this amendment ignores the best interests of the children and parents. It cuts in both directions.
You can contact your local representative to express your opinions on this proposed bill. Join us in letting them know that research supports LGBTQ adoption, and that the well-being of children who need families should be the highest priority.
Whether you are interested in foster care adoption, international adoption or private domestic infant adoption, you may be considering the possibility of adopting siblings. You may have always wanted a big family, and the chance to adopt multiple children at once can seem like the perfect way to help you achieve that goal quickly.
However, like any parent who decides to have multiple children, you will need to consider some important things before choosing this path. While parents who have or adopt single children can often space out the additions to their family, if you decide to adopt multiples, you won’t have the same time they do. Instead, you will likely be presented with an adoption opportunity for multiple children only months or weeks before the children are placed in your home.
It’s always a good idea to speak at length with your chosen adoption professional about the realities of adopting twins or a group of siblings. Whatever adoption path you take, there are a few common things to think about:
It makes sense: More children require more money. When you are presented an opportunity with siblings, you may be required to pay more for the care of those children and the associated legal fees for their adoption. The exact amount you may expect to pay will be determined by your adoption professional.
Therefore, if you are considering adopting siblings, you should speak at length with your adoption professional about their fees for such situations. That way, you will understand what extra fees you might expect to pay — and whether this adoption path is financially feasible for you.
Approximately two-thirds of the children currently in foster care also have a sibling in foster care, whether or not they are placed in the same home. Siblings in foster care can include full or half-biological siblings, step-siblings, or even non-genetically related children who are bonded to their foster siblings. For those children located in the same foster home, they will likely need to be adopted together when their parents’ rights are terminated.
This is for many reasons — mainly because these sibling groups have a tight bond and separating them would be emotionally devastating. The majority of adoption professionals today believe that maintaining sibling relationships are in the child’s best interests, and there may even be state laws upholding those processes. In fact, there is a federal law — the Foster Connections to Success and Increasing Adoptions Act — which requires states to make reasonable efforts to maintain sibling connections in order to receive federal funding.
Parents who choose to adopt from foster care will always have the ability to decide how many children they are open to adopting, but they should also be aware of the hard-to-break connection between siblings in foster care. As long as it’s in the best interest of all involved, siblings must be adopted from foster care as a package deal.
Twins are only conceived naturally about 2 percent of the time. Consider the small percentage of women who end up placing their children for adoption, and you can see how rare it is that a woman pregnant with twins places her children with an adoptive family.
If you choose to pursue private domestic infant adoption, your adoption professional will likely ask you if you are comfortable adopting twins. Even if you are, you won’t be presented just twin adoption opportunities. It’s far more likely that a prospective birth mother pregnant with one baby will choose you than a prospective birth mother pregnant with twins.
Whatever adoption path you choose, your professional will work with you to create a list of preferences for potential adoption opportunities — including whether you are open to adoption situations with multiple children. You must answer this question before you go active with your agency, as it will determine what opportunities are presented to you.
If you decide you are open to multiples and later change your mind, it can cause issues and delays in your adoption process, especially if a prospective birth mother has chosen you in private domestic infant adoption. Therefore, before deciding on adoption of multiples, make sure this is the right path for your family.
Raising two children at once will require a great deal more time, energy and money than raising a single child. If you decide this is the right path for you, you will need to have the proper resources and preparation in place before finding an opportunity — even if you don’t end up being presented with a multiple adoption opportunity.
Consider the extra items you will need to purchase to bring home more than one child, as well as the financial preparation you’ll need to complete. Think about any childcare you will need as your children grow up, and start making plans for their future (like any college funds you choose to save up).
Again, all of these things should be considered before adopting multiples.
Every hopeful adoptive parent will need to complete an adoption home study. These legal investigations typically approve a family to adopt one child — so, if you are considering adopting multiples, you may need to complete additional steps to be approved for adopting multiple children. Your home study provider should walk you through this process to make sure you are approved for potential adoption opportunities.
Similarly, your adoption professional may have additional requirements when you express interest in adopting multiples. Speak with them before setting your adoption opportunity preferences.
Finally, you should recognize the e motional challenges of raising siblings. Even if siblings have grown up together and created a tight bond, they must be given separate and equal attention to develop their sense of self and independency. This is even more important when siblings are adopted after a childhood of trauma and disruption. Similarly, adopting siblings from infancy will still require that you treat them with a sense that they are separate people, not just “the twins.”
If you choose to adopt older siblings from foster care or through international adoption, your adoption professional should prepare you for these potential challenges. They will also give you critical information about your children before placement and ensure you have the resources to successfully parent them. Raising twins from birth may be a bit easier, but it will still come with its own challenges.
When in doubt, if you have questions about adopting multiples, please speak with your adoption professional.
I believe strongly in the power of prayer. I do not mean to push my beliefs on anyone, but I have honestly seen miracles as the result of prayer. I have seen miraculous physical healings, witnessed overnight emotional healing and been blown away by the impact of prayer in many other situations regarding spiritual fulfillment and peace. Prayer: it works.
As a birth mother, I pray for the child I placed for adoption. My son holds a place in my heart and in my prayers that no one else does. It is a special and secret place where my son lives within my own soul.
Here, I share with you some of my most important prayers for him. What do you pray for when it comes to the child whom you placed for adoption?
I was a mother for six months before I chose adoption for my son. It was him and me for that period, and it was so hard on both of us.
For example, I had every intention of mothering, which is why I was breastfeeding at the time I chose adoption. I had to force myself to quit breastfeeding as soon as I made my adoption decision, and that was probably one of the most difficult tasks I had to face. I’m sure it was hard on him also.
I do not know what kind of memories my son will carry with him or if any feelings of hurt will live inside of him. However, I pray that he has a healed heart from everything we went through surrounding my adoption decision. I know I did what was best for both of us, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was a very difficult transition.
I pray that my son’s heart is able to heal from anything in his past.
One of my greatest challenges is to live in the present moment. Now, my son is only 7, so this might be a little bit easier for him. As an adult, though, I find living in the present challenging. My mind is always racing to the next thing on my to-do list in the future and scrambling to reconcile the past. It’s a daily battle for me to just be in the present moment.
I don’t want life to be as difficult for my son as it seems to be for me at times. I pray that my son is able to enjoy every moment he is experiencing, maybe even to the point of feeling like everything is a magical first! Of course, that may be a tall order, but it’s still my prayer.
The beauty of a prayer is that no prayer is too big for God. We can pray for anything, and God will follow through on His promises in His own way. It is just up to us to be good receivers and recognize an answered prayer. So, I pray that my son is able to enjoy “the everyday” for his entire life.
I know this prayer is a common prayer for every moment; we want our children to live happy and healthy lives. I want the same thing for the child I placed for adoption.
I want my son to grow up and find a peace for himself. I’m not concerned about how much money he will make, or what career or types of relationship choices he makes. My concern is that no matter what decisions my son makes, he does so from a healthy place.
I want those choices to make him happy, as well. I want him to live in a state of gratitude for everything he has and know how much he is loved by so many people, and most importantly, know that he is loved by God. I pray that my son has a happy and healthy future following his own path that he believes His creator has for him.
So, with all these prayers, what do I truly desire for my son? I desire that my son has a life full of spiritual peace. I have struggled to find peace within myself, especially when it comes to walking a path of healing with such brokenness in my past. I don’t want my son to have the same struggles I have had. I see the beauty of my adoption in breaking the cycle and setting my son free from any chains that bound him. I broke my family cycle by choosing adoption, instead of letting poverty and misery rule my life as a parent. I don’t want my son to live a life similar to mine, but I want him to grow into his own person with his own set of values.
I know that my prayers are just like the prayers of many parents, not just birth parents. We all want what is best for our children.
For me, I just pray my son heal from his past, live in his present and find peace in his future.
~Lindsay Arielle
For many adoptive parents, the wait while their Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC) paperwork is approved can seem like the longest period of their adoption process. After all, they finally have the child they’ve been dreaming about for so long and can’t wait to start their new lives as a family — back at their own home.
As tough as the ICPC wait can be, it doesn’t have to be wasted time in your life. In fact, the period in which you are waiting for ICPC approval can actually be the most integral when it comes to establishing a relationship between you and your new adopted child. No matter how long your ICPC wait is, think of it as a great chance to get to know your new addition and the city and state in which they were born.
Your adoption specialist will always prepare you for the ICPC process prior to your child’s birth, including any suggestions he or she has for managing the wait. Below, find a few ideas on how to spend your time waiting for your ICPC approval:
Directly following placement and prior to your ICPC approval is the best time to bond with your new addition. After all, this is some of the only time you, your spouse and your baby will have alone together for a few months (think about all of the family and friends who will want to meet your baby when you get home), and it’s a great chance to get to know each other without the pressures of everyday life getting in the way.
Take advantage of this alone time with your baby. Focus on learning all the new tasks of being a parent and finding out more about your little one’s personality.
Adoptive families can expect to stay in their child’s birth state for about 7-10 days after their baby is born. If you know where your baby is going to be born, plan ahead! Look for family-friendly activities and places to explore during this waiting period. As exciting as it can be at the beginning to stay at home with your child all day, it can also be exhausting, and breaks outside of your hotel room will be much appreciated.
On the same note, recognize that this town and state is an important part of your child’s adoption story. If you can, take photos of them at the hospital in which they were born, and document other important aspects of this city. If that city has a landmark, take photos and write down facts about it. These photos and descriptions will be something your child will enjoy as they grow up, especially if you incorporate them into an adoption scrapbook.
If your open adoption relationship allows for it, make yourself available to your child’s birth family during this time. Remember that the birth mother will be grieving at the same time that you are enjoying your new child, and it may help her heal to spend some time with your family before you leave. Simple things like meals and outings at local attractions together can help you all get to know each other better, relieving the birth mother’s fears and giving you information to answer your child’s questions as they grow up. The relationship between an adoptive family and a birth mother is a very special one, and taking the time to cultivate it early on will aid in your relationship during the years to come.
As much as you may have prepared for your ICPC stay, it’s completely normal to find yourself missing some key items to take care of your baby. Use your ICPC wait period to purchase those things you perhaps didn’t know you needed, or the things you were waiting to purchase until you knew the gender of your baby. Just remember that everything you purchase has to come back with you, so plan accordingly!
While you will likely have plenty of time to explore the city and the state in which your child was born, don’t travel too far during your ICPC wait. Depending on your situation, you may need to complete additional legal steps before your ICPC process is complete. For example, your adoption professional may require more documentation to gain ICPC approval, or your adoption attorney may need more signatures after the adoption consent is first performed. Being available and flexible for your adoption professionals’ needs will be helpful in expediting your ICPC approval process.
We know the wait for your ICPC can be stressful, especially with a new baby and everyday responsibilities piling up back at home. However, relaxing and appreciating where you are at in your adoption process can alleviate some of those worries. You will never again have this particular special bonding time with your baby, so take advantage of it and try to stay in high spirits during this period of time.
—
ICPC can be a difficult part of your private domestic infant adoption. But, with preparation and the right attitude, it can be another successful step toward creating the family you have always dreamed of.
What are some of your suggestions for managing the ICPC wait? Let us know in the comments!
In my opinion, I believe that it is normal for a woman considering adoption to wonder if her child will hate her. I think this is a normal fear for many parents, even those who raising their children. Wondering if our children will love or hate us for the decisions that we make for them is part of what makes us parents. We care so much about our children, and we would never want them to hate us for any decision we make for them, especially if we truly believe it is the best decision for them.
If you’re not sure whether you can parent your baby, you are probably wondering, “Will my child hate me if I place them for adoption?”
There is no way for me to answer this question for you. The truth is that there are so many factors that go into an adoptee’s feelings, and the bulk of them are in how the adoptive parents will raise their baby. Please know that there are many adoptive parents who honor their child’s birth mother and many adoptees who grow up loving their birth parents.
A child’s love for their birth parents is something that cannot be measured on a general basis. Every situation is unique for every child. However, there are some things both birth mothers and adoptive parents can do to help ensure that a child will grow up loving their birth mother.
The first step in making sure that your baby grows up loving you is to pick adoptive parents who love you and will honor you while they are raising their child.
Consider what type of post-placement relationship you desire to have with your child. Many birth mothers today are choosing open adoptions in a woman has direct contact with her child after placement. However, semi-open adoptions are an option, as well. In a semi-open adoption, a birth mother has a relationship with her child through mediation by an adoption agency, which protects the privacy of both the birth mother and the adoptive family.
The third option is to choose a closed adoption, in which there is no contact between the birth mother and the adoptive family after placement. Closed adoptions used to be the norm in society, but with the evolution of society’s view on adoption and research on post-placement relationships, experts in the field now highly recommend open adoptions.
The next thing for a birth mother to consider when choosing an adoptive family is to trust her instincts when it comes to the relationship and communication she has with the potential adoptive couple.
If a woman meets an adoptive couple and feels even slightly uncomfortable with them, she can change her mind regarding placing baby with them up until she signs her adoption consent. Mothers have intuition and instincts about their children, and I highly recommend listening to those instincts. Choose an adoptive family whom you can trust from the start to honor you as a birth mother throughout your child’s upbringing. Of course, no one is perfect, and people make mistakes, but I know that my experience has shown me that once you find your perfect adoptive family, things seem to work out from there.
Finally, don’t be afraid to communicate your fear of your child hating you to your potential adoptive parents.
Perhaps they share similar fears and can relate to you. I can almost guarantee that prospective adoptive parents have considered how they will explain their child’s history and the fact that he or she has been adopted. Talk to your potential adoptive parents about how they will honor adoption with their child, and how they will have their child honor you while he or she is growing up. They will also want you to honor them as parents and show them respect, as well. So, it’s a two-way street. Both the prospective birth mother and the prospective adoptive parents should have an idea for how they will honor each other with the child who is being placed for adoption.
I’d like to introduce you to the idea of “normalizing” adoption and give you some personal examples for how I have been able to work towards achieving this in my own life.
First, to “normalize” something is to make whatever it is a normal part of life. Normalizing adoption is an unfortunate necessity in modern society. While we have moved away from closed adoptions, we still have a long way to go when it comes to making adoption a normal relationship in families across the board.
Adoption is still viewed as something that we, as a society, need to treat with sensitivity and compassion. It has not yet reached a point where we can openly discuss adoption with anyone and have them accept it immediately. Therefore, it is still a necessity to normalize adoption, especially within families who are touched by it in any capacity.
I try to take opportunities to normalize adoption in my daily life. This not only includes talking to friends and family but also requires me to communicate openly with all the people in my immediate circle. For example, most of the time when I’m asked about whether I have kids, I include my birth son and my stepchildren. I have found ways to communicate about my son in a few words, and it usually sounds like this:
“I have a son who I placed for adoption eight years ago. I still see him and just saw him recently, actually. I also have stepchildren. My husband and I have four kids total, but none together.”
Sweet and simple. Not only did I answer their question regarding if I have children, but I also just took the opportunity to normalize adoption.
In my home, adoption has been normalized. I think the best example is with my eight-year-old stepson. He and my birth son have met and get along great. My stepson knows that I was pregnant with my son and chose adoption, and that he has different parents.
It’s the coolest thing to normalize adoption, because it opens the door for a future of an open mind. I know that my stepson will never treat anyone poorly or differently for being touched by adoption. That is a great accomplishment. Of course, the conversations continue as he grows older, as well, and we introduce the more difficult concepts, but you get the point.
“Will my child hate me for choosing adoption?” It is a fear that also pops into my mind from time to time. However, I chose adoptive parents whom I trusted, and they have absolutely been trustworthy and honorable for the past eight years. My birth son loves me, and while I don’t know what the future holds for our relationship, I am hopeful it will remain as healthy and positive as we have had it thus far.
So, if you are concerned about how you are being discussed in your child’s home, then talk to your adoptive parents and share your fears. You never know how they may be honoring you as a birth mother, and you might be surprised at what you learn from a simple conversation.
Prospective birth mothers have the honor of choosing who will adopt their baby. No matter what a woman’s preferences are for a prospective adoptive family, she will find that there are large pools of applicants who would love to meet her needs. So many waiting families are out there. So, whether you use a local adoption agency in your area, or if you use a national adoption agency like American Adoptions, you should be encouraged knowing that your perfect match could be out there.
Choosing adoptive parents for baby is the sole responsibility of the prospective birth mother, and she can always change her mind about whom her baby will go home with up until finalization.
I personally considered it an honor to choose the parents who would raise my child and take on the responsibility of mother and father for my son. I consider this step in the adoption process an honor because it is one of the biggest decisions a woman can make for her child during adoption — besides the decision for adoption itself. Not only are the adoptive parents the ones who will bring the baby home, they are also the ones who will be responsible for the baby for his or her entire upbringing.
As a mother, I trusted my instincts when it came to choosing the parents my child would have and felt privileged to be able to do that for my son. It’s not a responsibility that should be taken lightly.
There are quite a few steps that a potential adoptive family must go through before they can even create an adoptive profile for prospective birth mothers to view and choose from.
One of the most intense screening processes that prospective adoptive families go through is the home study. A home study evaluates the prospective adoptive family as a unit, and as individuals, to determine if they are ready to take on the responsibility of adopting a child. Regardless of whether this is their first child, or if a family has other children, prospective adoptive families go through a screening process to prove that they are fit to parent.
If you are wondering about what screening processes your adoption agency utilizes, be sure to ask your adoption professional. You can also ask an agency how they screen prospective adoptive families before you commit to working with them.
That’s right, I said “perfect.” I meant it, too. As a woman who went through an adoption, I can tell you that I had big dreams for my child and his future. I wanted to make sure that I found a family that could not only provide my child with educational and growth opportunities but also a family that would encourage my child to become everything he has the potential to be. Talk about dreaming big! Guess what? I found them. My child is being offered opportunities he would have never had if I had chosen to parent him, and I’m so grateful for his parents.
It’s important that every prospective birth mother decide for herself, with her own motherly instincts, what kind of life she is dreaming of for her child. Some of the factors that a prospective birth mother will want to consider include:
No matter what factors are important to you, make sure you convey your desires to your adoption professional as you both work together to create an adoption plan.
Prospective birth mothers who utilize an adoption agency will have their own adoption professional to work with. Your adoption professional will create an adoption plan with you, which includes the desires you have for your ideal prospective adoptive family.
As you create the adoption plan, don’t be afraid to include all the factors in adoptive parents that are important to you. Your adoption professional is the one who will help guide you in creating this plan and helping to match your desires with real waiting families.
Once an adoption professional has all the information regarding prospective birth mother’s preferences for a potential adoptive family, she will begin the matching process. Depending on the size and reach of the adoption agency, your adoption professional will pull a number of potential adoptive family profiles for you to view. A national adoption agency will have a much larger pool of applicants, while a local agency will have a pool of local families. Either way, your adoption professional will be the one to help find you the ideal adoptive family for your baby.
I remember looking at prospective adoptive family profiles, and I also remember feeling positive about which profile I wanted to choose. My adoption professional connected me with four profiles and asked me to choose two, but I only chose one. I will never forget the smiles on the faces of the couple that I ended up meeting later that week and choosing as parents for my child a few weeks later.
If you come across a profile that you feel good about, let your adoption professional know. On the other hand, if you don’t like the profiles you have been offered, then don’t choose any of them. Seeking out the right adoptive family for our children is too important. Don’t agree to meet anyone or commit to anyone if you are uncomfortable. However, if you like one or more profiles, go for it!
This is a question I asked myself when going through my own adoption process. I’m sure many women ask themselves this question. After all, how do you know when you have found the perfect adoptive family for you and baby? The answer is simple: You will just know.
The best advice I can give for choosing the right adoptive family is to always trust your gut and your moth erly instincts. There is a difference between making a compromise with your adoption plan and settling for an adoptive family you don’t feel confident about. If you meet a family and don’t connect with them, please be honest with your adoption professional. There is time for you to find the right family, but if you are not honest about your level of comfort, then there is no way for your adoption professional to know how to guide you in moving forward.
The bond that forms between a prospective birth mother and the chosen adoptive family is indescribable. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, an unbreakable bond is formed when the connection and chemistry are right. A prospective birth mother will know whom to choose to raise her baby when she knows. There is no right time or expectation on when a woman should make her decision, except that it is ultimately her choice.
Prospective birth mothers: trust your instincts, take the responsibility of choosing adoptive parents seriously, and enjoy the process and bond that you will experience with your chosen adoptive family.
