How do you find the strength and courage to share your identity as a birth parent, and tell someone that you placed a child for adoption? As a birth parent, you know that you’re brave and selfless for placing your child for adoption. You should never be ashamed to tell someone that you’re a birth parent. But, you should never feel pressured to tell someone your adoption story either.
When you feel like it’s time to start telling people you’re a birth parent, you may be nervous or unsure. Many people don’t understand adoption today, especially from the birth parent perspective. It’s important to be prepared for the responses that you may receive.
Are you ready to tell someone that you’re a birth parent? Here are a few pieces of advice for sharing your identity as a birth parent.
Choosing adoption for your child is never wrong or bad, but it is personal. Becoming a birth parent is a huge event in your life that has likely changed your life in more ways than one. Not everyone needs to know that you’re a birth parent unless you want them to know. You should never feel forced or obligated to share such a personal piece of who you are until you’re ready.
That being said, there may be people that are an important part of your personal life that may benefit from knowing that you’re a birth parent. Maybe you chose not to tell those people — close family, romantic partner, best friends — because it was not the right time to share. Now that you’ve moved closer to coping with your adoption, perhaps it’s the right time to tell them that you’re a birth parent. This is especially true if you are in an open adoption where you communicate regularly, receive updates or even have in-person visits.
Whether you chose open adoption, semi-open adoption or closed adoption, your child is still an important part of your life. The experience of childbirth and voluntarily terminating your parental rights will always be a memory that may run across your mind – frequently or every now and again. If you choose to tell people that you’re a birth parent, this opens you up to discuss your thoughts about your child and sharing your child’s milestones with others.
Your adoption story is unique to you and your child which means that you have your own experiences and beliefs about your adoption. However, the fact remains that you are brave and selfless for wanting the best for your child whether you decide to tell others that you’re a birth parent or not. You chose adoption because you wanted your child to live their best possible life. It’s normal to love your child and be proud of your child even if you placed your child for adoption. No matter how you approach the subject of being a birth parent, your child will always be important to you.
When you tell someone that you’re a birth parent, they may want to know more or they could leave an uncomfortable silence because they don’t know what’s appropriate to say. This could be a great opportunity to spread adoption awareness. Normalizing adoption for the general public can spread the message of the benefits of adoption, helping other prospective birth parents know that it’s OK to choose adoption for their child.
Here are a few suggestions of things to consider when you tell someone that you’re a birth parent and they either want to know more or they don’t know how to respond:
Many people don’t know the facts about adoption, especially about the birth parent’s experience. There may be those who respond to your declaration negatively or who can be harsh, but their reactions have nothing to do with you.
Adoption is a precious gift and that doesn’t change.
You’re the expert on your adoption story and you have experienced the true meaning of adoption. You don’t have to allow negative responses or judgement to color your clear view of adoption. That being said, when you tell someone that you’re a birth parent there will likely be questions. Here are a few common questions you may be asked:
Keep in mind, if someone asks insensitive questions or makes a negative comment about you being a birth parent, you don’t owe them any answers or explanations. You can even make it clear that their questions are rude and insensitive. If you get a response like, “I could never give my child up for adoption,” you can simply tell them that adoption isn’t for everyone, but the welfare of your child was the most important consideration, and that you did what you felt was best in your individual situation.
On the other hand, someone may ask these questions because they genuinely have no experience with adoption language and etiquette. You can take their questions as an opportunity to educate them about adoption through your personal story, or you can choose not to further engage with that person on the topic of adoption. You are in control of when and how you tell someone that you’re a birth parent.
If you do choose to answer questions about being a birth parent, you may feel more confident by practicing your answers. You can always say more or less, depending on how you feel and who you’re talking to about being a birth parent. Here are a few examples of responses that can help you think about and create your own prepared answers.
When you give a strong, positive response to someone who has negative ideas of adoption, this could open up more questions of curiosity. People often don’t realize that birth parents are in control of the entire adoption process. It may help you to think back to what you may not have known about adoption before you experienced it firsthand.
Think of your prepared responses this way: How would you tell your past self that you’re a birth parent? How would you explain adoption to yourself before your unplanned pregnancy?
Trying to force the fact that you’re a birth parent into the conversation if you’re already nervous can make you feel even more uncomfortable. Just allow the conversation to unfold naturally. New acquaintances may ask you, “Do you have any kids?” People who already know that you’re not raising children may ask, “When are you going to have kids?” This could be a good opportunity for you to say, “I’m a birth parent, I chose adoption for my child.”
Sometimes it may be easier for you to introduce the topic on your own terms. Starting with an opener like, “I have something important to tell you,” can prepare you and the other person to focus on the importance of the topic at hand. Remember to let the other person know that it’s good news and that it’s information you’re proud (and maybe somewhat nervous) to share.
If you have a picture of your child, this can be a great way to help you introduce yourself as a birth parent. Most people love to see pictures and this can create the space that you need in a conversation to tell someone that you’re a birth parent. Being able to show people that your child is a happy and healthy adoptee can set the tone for the conversation and may ease the stress or tension that you might have had.
You can’t control what other people will say, think or feel when you tell them that you’re a birth parent. When you’re ready to tell someone that you’re a birth parent, don’t let fear hold you back. This can help you continue your journey to coping with your adoption by voicing your feelings about being a birth parent.
If you’re thinking about telling someone that you’re a birth parent or if you feel like now is the time, this could be a sign that you’re ready. Each time that you get excited about receiving a picture of your child or interacting with them through video chat or in person, the desire to share this joy with the people in your life could be a sign that you’re ready to tell someone that you’re a birth parent. Now, all you have to do is go for it.
You may be surprised at the level of support and positivity that can come with telling someone that you’re a birth parent. When you say it, own it. At the end of the day, whether you tell others or not, you’ll always be a birth parent and a hero.
We’ve all heard the phrase “words matter.” Our culture is one of constant change, adaptation, evolution, and personalization. In this fast-paced world we live in, new words and definitions are changing every day and it can be hard to keep up with everything.
When you think about adoption, it’s natural to think about the costs, the process, where you want to adopt from, and much more. But, even with adoption, words are just as important as the entire process.
Because many people are not personally connected to adoption and its process, they tend not to be as familiar with adoption terminology.
By taking the time to better understand the need for positive adoption language and using accurate terms, you can help dispel many common adoption myths and misconceptions.
Here are 6 helpful examples of terms and phrases to use, and related terms you should not use when talking about adoption:
Using the term “birth parent” allows the birth family to continue to hold value without lessening the importance of the adoptive family. “Birth parent” shows that both families play special roles in the child’s life. The term “real parent” can be hurtful to both adoptive parents and adoptees, as it implies the adoptive parent is “fake” or “unnatural.” “Real parent” can also imply that the relationship between an adoptive family and an adoptee isn’t as strong because they aren’t blood-related. Adoptive parents are just as real as birth parents to the adoptee.
The phrase “place child for adoption” provides a better description of a birth mother’s decision. It also implies the birth parents still love the child and want the best for them. More often than not, the phrase “give up” has a negative connotation and suggests a careless action. In truth, birth parents experience a lot of difficult emotions when choosing adoption. They are the ones taking the time to select the adoptive family, and do so with great care and emotional strength. We don’t know what any person is truly going through, so use phrases that don’t judge a person’s character or decisions.
There are times when the birth mother changes her mind about adoption and chooses not to move forward with her adoption plan. In these situations, she chooses to parent her child instead. Though it may be difficult for hopeful adoptive families, it’s important to be respectful of every birth mother and her decisions. Using the term “to keep” implies a child is an object or possession. It devalues the difficult decision the birth mother is trying to make for her child, especially women facing unplanned pregnancies. It’s important to not use phrases or terms that cause hurt to any woman making a difficult life choice.
When you use the phrase “unwanted child”, you can do a lot of damage to a child’s self-esteem. Being an adopted child does not mean they were not wanted by their birth parents. It’s important to remember that we don’t know the full circumstances behind why a child’s birth parents placed them for adoption. Therefore, we need to be respectful and use phrases like “child placed for adoption.” This phrase gives a more accurate description of the situation without putting the birth family in a negative light.
When talking about adopting a child from another country, you shouldn’t use the term “foreign adoption.” The word “foreign” can sometimes suggest a feeling of not being welcome. It’s also often used in a negative context of someone who doesn’t belong. Every child should be made to feel included and welcome, no matter who they are or where they’re from. By using the term “international adoption,” you’re making the effort to make the child still feel welcome into their new country and home, and less of an outsider.
By using the term “child,” that simply states that the child is no different from any other child in any family. Adding the word “adopted” implies the child is somehow different than a biological child within that same family. It can also make the child feel they don’t belong or aren’t fully part of the family. You should always use words that make everyone, including a child, feel welcome. They are no different than anyone else.
Words truly make a bigger impact than you may realize in every aspect of your life. Especially if you are talking with someone about adoption, it’s important and respectful to be aware of the correct terminology so as not to inadvertently hurt the other person.
When you’re talking about adoption, a simple rule of thumb – remember to always be mindful of your words.
If you’re a hopeful adoptive couple eagerly awaiting an adoption opportunity, you’re probably asking yourself, “What are prospective birth parents looking for in adoptive family?” We know having a family of your own is something you’ve been dreaming about for a long time, and you want an expectant mother to see your adoptive family profile and deem you a perfect match to raise her baby. We can help.
Here’s what most pregnant women will want to know about you:
Choosing adoption is a difficult decision for expectant parents to make, even if they know it’s what is best for them and their baby. Many prospective birth mothers find comfort in hopeful adoptive families who show reverence for what they’re going through, as well as a positive outlook on adoption and raising their child.
Placing a child for adoption isn’t easy and she doesn’t want to be judged for her decision, nor have her feelings dismissed. Acknowledging that she is making a brave and difficult decision can go a long way. It can also be helpful for a birth mother to know that you will openly and honestly talk to her child about their adoption and their birth family. When making your adoptive family profile, it can be helpful to empathize with the prospective birth mother and make it clear that if she gives you the opportunity to adopt her baby, you will celebrate this decision and your adopted child.
If an expectant mother is considering adoption, it’s likely because she feels she cannot provide her baby with the life she feels they deserve, or she is not yet ready to. She wants to place her baby with a family who she feels can give her baby the best life possible, and that are committed to doing so.
If you are hopeful adoptive parents who have been approved by an agency, then you’ve been cleared as being financially able to support a child. While financial stability is important in raising a child, she wants to know that family is important to you and that your family has a strong drive to support the child emotionally and mentally as well. She wants to know that you will do whatever it takes to give her baby the life they deserve and that you will be willing to make the necessary sacrifices to be there for her baby.
If your values align with the prospective birth mother’s, this is typically a good way to start establishing a connection. Since she will be choosing you and not the other way around, the best thing you can do when filling out your adoptive family profile is to speak openly and enthusiastically about your values and how you would raise a child in accordance with these values. Whether those values are based in religion, family, or simply just good character, don’t be afraid to be emphatic. Your adoption professional will be available if you need help or have questions when filling out your adoptive family profile. To get more information about how you can stand out to prospective birth mothers, reach out to an adoption professional today.
Choosing adoption for your baby as an expectant mother is a brave and beautiful decision. That doesn’t mean it’s always an easy one. If you’re wondering, “What if I don’t want to sign adoption papers?” this is a big question to ask yourself. You can change your mind about anything in your adoption process up until you sign the papers relinquishing your parental rights.
Even if you know the only way you can give your baby the best life possible right now is through adoption, it’s normal to have doubts and second thoughts. It’s a life changing decision that comes with a lot of complex emotions. Bear in mind that you are always in control of your adoption process and you never have to do anything, including signing the adoption papers if you feel you are ready to parent.
When you’ve heard about adoption, you probably hear the words “adoption papers” a lot. This paperwork includes the official legal documents that you sign to legally consent to the adoption and relinquish your parental rights.
Adoption consent is regulated on a state level rather than federal. This is important to note because every state has different adoption consent laws. To learn more about adoption consent laws in your state talk to your adoption professional so that you can avoid any unexpected surprises if you change your mind about anything down the line.
If you’re having second thoughts or worried that you might have second thoughts, most states have a minimum waiting period after the baby is born before you can sign the adoption papers. This is to ensure that you have enough time to really think about your decision and make sure all the proper arrangements are in place.
The waiting period varies from state to state but typically ranges from 12 hours to 72 hours, or 3 days. So, if you do change your mind once the baby is born, you do have time to do so. You can change your mind about anything before officially consent to the adoption.
However, if parenting is a possibility that you are seriously considering, you should mention this to your adoption professional as soon as possible, even if you’re not completely sure. This allows them to be prepared to take the appropriate actions if you do decide that you want to parent.
Adoption isn’t a black and white decision. We understand that it can come with a lot of conflicting emotions. If you’re considering adoption, it’s because you feel you are not able or ready to give your baby the life you feel they deserve.
Just because you are considering “giving your baby up” for adoption does not mean you are giving up on your baby. In fact, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Choosing to place your baby with a hopeful adoptive couple who you feel can give your baby a life full of love and support is a very selfless and brave decision.
While its normal to have doubts about whether you’re making the right choice, remember to reflect on why you considered adoption in the first place. The conflicting emotions you might be feeling are normal and your adoption professional can help you work through these emotions and consider your options.
You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you are struggling to raise your baby or regret not choosing adoption. However, if you are certain that you are willing and able to begin the beautiful journey of parenthood; you do not have to sign the adoption papers.
How many of us make plans for 20 years in the future? Many people don’t tend to think that far ahead. And yet, when a birth parent is working with an adoption agency, adoptive parents, and maybe even lawyers to create an adoption plan this is exactly what they are asked to do, think what life might be like in the far future.
I didn’t question my semi-open adoption plan while it was being proposed. It was a basic five-year plan that I’m sure the adoption lawyer had used in several other adoption cases both before and after mine. It stated that after placement the adoptive parents would send correspondence through the agency to me in the form of written letters and photos of my daughter until she turned five. An update once every few months for the first year of her life and then once a year for the remaining four years. At the time, while still pregnant, I thought that sounded great; I was going to get to see pictures of her until she was five! I just saw what I was getting, not everything I was going to be missing.
Back then, 21 years ago, cameras required film to take pictures and then you had to get that film developed before you could see the images you had captured. It was later in the evening of the day I had placed my beautiful daughter in the arms of her new loving parents and said goodbye. I was anxiously awaiting my mom’s return from the drugstore after developing film so I could see all of the pictures I had taken of my daughter during the two days I cared for her in the hospital. I knew then, on that same day I had said goodbye to her, while looking at and crying over the pictures I was left with, that five years was going to pass way too fast. I was already regretting my semi-open adoption plan.
When I gave birth to my daughter I was 22. This is not an extremely young age, but I was still naïve. Naïve to the fact that I had a voice, that I could have asked for more, that by giving two people my daughter to raise, pictures were the very least of things they could offer in return. I had never previously dealt with an attorney before. Even lawyers with the best intentions can seem intimidating to a young pregnant girl. Before I continue, I want to clarify that I was not coerced in any way to do anything I didn’t want to do by either the attorney or adoptive parents. They treated me with respect and care. I was simply not equipped with enough information to have made the best decision for what my future as a birth mom would be like and how that sixth year with no more updates would affect me. Had I been warned, had I perhaps known another birth mom that had already gotten to the sixth year of a semi-open adoption plan, then my views of a more open plan for myself would have been much different.
As feared, five years passed in the blink of an eye. I had met my husband a year after the adoption and we were married two years later. He witnessed how I would eagerly count down the days until the next update on my daughter, always around her summer birthday. How I would cherish every single photo and letter that provided me with just a glimpse into her world and who she was. He also saw the dread in me leading up to that fifth year. What was I going to do if I couldn’t see how tall she had grown next year? How will I know what kind of toys she liked to play with? What outfit did she wear for her first grade picture? What was she for Halloween; did she play any sports, was she in the talent show, was her birthday cake chocolate or vanilla? All the things I wouldn’t get to see or read about. All these tiny little details and moments that make up a lifetime.
I hadn’t considered a fully open adoption while pregnant. I felt that letting someone else raise her, that placing my baby in their arms was going to be hard enough for me to do just the one time. Saying goodbye devastated me. How would I be able to see her regularly and have to say goodbye again every single time they took her home with them? I couldn’t stand the idea of watching them walk away with her in their arms over and over again. These were the thoughts I had and the moments I played over in my head while pregnant, my reasoning for not wanting to see her after the papers were signed. I thought it would be too hard for me. It took all of three seconds after I said goodbye and watched her leave the hospital room for me to realize how ignorant I was for thinking that way.
At the five year mark when I knew I still wasn’t ready to see the updates come to an end I wrote a letter to the adoptive parents and sent it, as usual, through the adoption agency to reroute to them directly. In my letter I asked if they would be open to continuing our correspondence through the mail. I stated that I knew it wasn’t in our original agreement but that I would be very appreciative if they’d consider it anyway. Waiting for their reply was perhaps more stressful for my husband than for me. I decided to resign to the fact that I was asking for something they hadn’t signed up for and I would have to accept a “no thank you” in response. My husband thought they owed it to me to keep sending the photos, but it wasn’t a matter of owing anyone, it was a matter of adhering to a contract. The “no thank you” came in the mail about a week later.
Sixteen years have passed since I’ve received an update on my daughter. She is now legally old enough to obtain her adoption records from the agency on her own. My anticipation could no longer be contained and I sent two letters to the adoption agency last summer making sure all of my contact information was on file and up-to-date. I still haven’t heard anything from my daughter or her parents.
I remind myself every day to not shift blame onto anyone else. I made an agreement. I signed an adoption contract and regretted the terms almost immediately. No one else did this to me. My advice to any birth parent considering a semi-adoption plan would be to consider what you’re agreeing to miss out on. Letters and pictures for five years were a great thing and I am so grateful for each one that I have that shows me just a little bit of my daughter that I otherwise would not have gotten to see. However, I know that if I had been coached just a little differently, or had the opportunity to know/see through someone else what it’s like to be in a more open adoption agreement, I would go back and choose the fully open option a thousand times.
In my eyes, a more open plan would have eliminated the need for updates through the mail. I would have instead, chosen to see first-hand how much my daughter had grown and what flavor birthday cake she had, and maybe have even gotten to tag along for trick-or-treating. These are some of the moments I missed out on in real life and, as time passed, in pictures too. I know now that if I had the chance to see her regularly the frequent goodbyes wouldn’t have been as hard as the one in the hospital was 21 years ago. The right open adoption plan can mean not having to say goodbye, just “see you next time.”For me, and for now, I’ll just keep wearing the edges of the precious photos and letters I am lucky enough to have until the next time I get to see my beautiful daughter again.
Laura Tuzzio is a writer, wife, mom, and birth mom. She shares her story to inspire and educate anyone touched by adoption.
Matthew is a foster care adoptee who later placed a daughter for adoption with his (adoptive) sister. He shares his story, his experiences as an adoptee and as a birth father, and important advice:
I entered foster care when I was three and I was in foster care for almost two years, so my foster care time was short. I was lucky that I was only placed with one foster family (that I can remember) and they ultimately adopted me.
When I was in foster care, I was too young to really know what foster care and my situation meant. There were a couple of visits with my biological mother in which she asked me if I wanted to go home with her. I said, “Yes, but then I want to go back home with my mom and dad.” I just didn’t know who my biological mother was to me.
As I talk about it, I definitely feel that adoption was easily the best thing that ever happened to me. Knowing the problems that my biological family went through (drugs, mental illness, jail, etc.) I’m grateful that’s a life I did not have to experience.
Even with the support of my foster/adoptive family, my early childhood traumas affected me through the years. There are plenty of stories. I was in a behavioral institute when I was about age 12 to try to curb some of my issues. It got out of control to the point where I was in a group home by age 14 and spent a month in jail at age 18. This isn’t every kid’s foster or adoption story, but I have various experiences from different aspects of my life that tie into my foster care and adoption experience.
Life was pretty normal: I went to school, came home, and I did kid stuff. I had toys and other foster kids to play with at home. At one point, there were four foster kids, my foster parent’s two biological kids, and my foster parents living together.
My foster parents didn’t treat me any differently than their own biological children. I had my issues but my foster parents never held it against me — they always treated me with the best care. I was sickly and behind my level of development, but my foster parents were great at attending to the needs of each of their individual kids.
After my eye surgery, my foster mother said that I looked so helpless that she felt like she wanted to adopt me and protect me. April 29, 1986, I was adopted by the family that fostered me, and I have this date tattooed on my arm because it is a part of me.
I am not in contact with my birth family currently. When I was younger, I thought of all the things they could have done better, but now I don’t think about it.
My birth mother did a few important things right, like completing and providing a medical history to the best of her knowledge. But the best thing my biological mother did was sign the consent to terminate her parental rights.
I never knew my dad. He was out of the picture from day one — in jail or on the run from the law. I just didn’t know him.
My biological parents have passed away, two of my biological siblings didn’t want anything to do with me when I reached out, and my third sibling was really hard for me to deal with. My biological sister informed me of family things and answered my questions but in general, I wish my siblings would have been more receptive to getting to know me.
I was completely ambivalent when I found out I was going to be a father. I don’t know — at that moment I didn’t feel anything. It didn’t register yet. But later, when I was taking care of my daughter, I knew I was not meant to be a father.
Parenting and adoption were the only options the birth mother and I ever considered together. Abortion was never a part of our conversations. We were going to try to parent, but after some time it just wasn’t meant to be.
My own history was a factor in placing my daughter for adoption. It also raised a lot of conflict for me. Even though our situations were different and I knew she would have a good life, I was still afraid she would have the same anger and resentment that I had. I went through a lot of emotional trauma as a child, and I feared that my child would have some of the same feelings of being “given up.” I didn’t want my daughter to have to go through that. I didn’t want her to experience the anger that I had. I did not want her to be angry with me. I worried about placing her for adoption, but I knew what the right thing to do was.
My mom was very supportive of my attempt to parent my daughter, but she was like, “Hey, you probably shouldn’t be caring for this kid.” We all talked, and we all wanted my daughter to stay in the family. Luckily, she is still in my family because my sister adopted her. I knew she would be well taken care of — more so than me or her mother could have.
My sister is awesome. I don’t know how she does it. She had three kids already when she adopted my daughter. Unfortunately, my sister ultimately got divorced and her ex-husband doesn’t care about any of the children. My daughter loves her adopted father, but he just doesn’t care. Realistically, I’m sure there were probably better choices for parents for my daughter, but hindsight is 20/20.
Do your research when choosing to place your kid with a family member. Being family will blind you because you feel a certain way about them, but that doesn’t mean that family is the best choice.
My daughter is now 14. I don’t know when my daughter was told that she’s adopted, but she knows that I’m her father and she has known for a good handful of years. My daughter and I don’t talk about her adoption. But she knows I’m her dad. If she wants to talk about it, then we can talk.
I am extremely pro-adoption. There are tons of kids in the world who can’t be properly cared for by their biological parents. I still think my daughter is in a good place — I don’t know if it’s the best place, again because we are family we were all a little blinded to the realities of placing a child within the family.
Looking back, I’m glad I was sound enough in mind to know that I wasn’t fit to be a father and that I then made the conscious decision to place her for adoption. But if I could change anything, I wouldn’t have been so agreeable with my mother about placement within the family just because we’re family. I should have done more research. I don’t think anything I could have said to my younger self would have made any difference, except to do more research on adoption instead of placing my daughter with my sister.
I am proud of being the sound-minded adult that I am, in comparison to the troublesome, immature, angry, wrong-decision-making, younger self. That was me until probably my mid-twenties. I had to work through all my emotional baggage and all that fun stuff.
I absolutely believe that my foster care and adoption experience influenced who I am today. I’ve had my share of problems stemming from the neglect and instability I experienced in my early years. But knowing what I know about my biological family, it could have been infinitely worse for me. If I wasn’t adopted, I would have been raised by sub-par parents and been around siblings with drug addictions and mental instability and that’s just not conducive to a healthy life. So being taken away from that at a young age and being put into a positive, supportive, loving family formed the person that I am now.
Don’t be angry. There are other people in the world that want to care for you. Don’t let the fact that your biological parents “didn’t want you” or couldn’t take care of you affect your views on life.
Be a part of the process, no matter what it is. You hear a lot of stories about fathers who run out. Man-up and deal with the situation — whether it’s parenting, abortion, or adoption. You need to sit down with her and with your support system and weigh your options. And as always, do your research.
To my biological family I would say, “Thanks for making the right choice.” I would be a different man if I had grown up with them, and not for the better.
I am beyond grateful for my adoptive parents. I would be a completely different person without them. My parents and I talk about adoption all the time and it’s just the best thing that ever happened.
Learn more about foster care, and how to foster or adopt through foster care here.
Learn more about the potential pros and cons of kinship/relative adoptions here.
Learn more about the process of placing a child for adoption here.
If you’re a hopeful parent considering adoption, you’ve likely familiarized yourself with the adoption process to some degree. The steps involved and the information that is asked of you can seem daunting at first, but we promise that it is all to ensure the long-term safety of the adopted child.
Any information and documentation you share with your adoption professional will be remain secure and will never be shared without your permission.
Many prospective adoptive parents are worried that the home study is going to put themselves and their home life under a microscope during the home visit. Your home study professional isn’t expecting a spotless home; they just want to make sure that your home is safe for a child to live in.
Part of the home study is the review of financial documents. Your adoption specialist will want to review tax returns, pay stubs and letters from your employer verifying your current income. This is solely to ensure that you will not only be financially able to support your child, but to do so without living paycheck to paycheck. You certainly don’t have to be wealthy to qualify for adoption. Here is a helpful checklist of documents you’ll be required to submit during your home study.
One of the most important parts of the adoption home study is the background check. If you’re worried that your past will affect your home study process, the best thing you can do is be as open as possible with your adoption professional. Whether it’s a traffic ticket or a DUI, it’s important that you are completely honest with your adoption professional so that they don’t have to learn these facts from the background check first.
Minor offenses won’t immediately prevent you from adopting, but trying to hide them might. Your adoption professional will likely ask you follow-up questions about any misdemeanors, such as why the offense occurred, to gain a better understanding of the situation. However, criminal backgrounds of violent offenses or abuse will result in immediate disqualification.
The interview portion of the home study is an opportunity for your home study professional to get a feel for your parenting style and the kind of life you plan to give your future child. Typically, the interview starts off with your professional asking about what you do for a job, what your hobbies are, what your relationship with your partner is like, etc. This is your chance to talk about who you are as a person so that your professional can get to know you better.
Your home study professional will ask you questions about why you want to adopt and what your hopes are for your child once the adoption has been completed. They will also make sure that you have an understanding of how the adoption process works and answer any questions that you might have. This is of course not the only time you will have to ask questions. You can reach out to your primary adoption professional at any time during the adoption process.
One of the most common questions we get from hopeful adoptive parents is, “Will I know what the baby looks like if I adopt?”
Not exactly. When it comes to private domestic infant adoption, the prospective birth mother chooses the adoptive parents, you don’t choose the baby. When you fill out your early adoption paperwork you will be able to list what races you’re open to adopting if you’re interested in transracial adoption, but you won’t be able to choose the gender or physical characteristics, just as you wouldn’t if you were giving birth to your baby yourself.
If you have questions or concerns about how much of a say you will have in regards to your future child, you can talk to an adoption professional now.
When you talk with your adoption professional, you will be asked to fill out an adoptive family profile. With this paperwork, you will answer questions that can help your adoption professional connect you with an adoption opportunity that’s right for you. The questions could range from addressing what budget you are comfortable with, how much post placement contact you want between your family and the birth mother, race, etc.
With private domestic infant adoption, you do not get to choose the baby you adopt. The prospective birth mother chooses you. This allows her to have a say in who she feels comfortable with raising her child. This is a great source of comfort for everyone involved — the expectant mother won’t have to wonder who her child was placed with and you can take solace in knowing that you were chosen by the birth parent(s) to be their baby’s adoptive parents. Once you have completed your questionnaire paperwork, it will be shown to expectant birth mothers who would be a good match.
When you fill out your questionnaire paperwork you will be able to list what races you are comfortable with your child being so that your adoption professional can be sure that you are prepared to healthily acknowledge your child’s racial identity. As the adoptive family, you will be asked to cover costs of the birth parent’s living expenses and prenatal care. In your early paperwork, you can lay out your preferred budget that includes your case management costs and legal fees as well as the living and medical expenses of the birth parent. Your budget will go towards meeting the varying financial needs of the expectant mother. Some need more financial support than others, which is why it’s helpful to have a set budget in place.
You will not be able to choose the gender of your baby for a couple of reasons. It’s not uncommon for the expectant mother to not want to know the gender of the baby. Even if the gender is known, birth mothers might be put off if they feel like you are only trying to adopt a specific gender.
With foster care adoption and some instances of international adoption, they may send you a photo of the child you are intending to adopt. However, it cannot be stressed enough that you should never adopt a child based solely on their physical attributes.
Choosing adoption as a way to grow your family is beautiful choice. Even though you won’t for sure know how your future baby will look, it’s important that you are prepared to love and accept them for who they are, regardless of gender, race or physical attributes.
A big source of anxiety for many prospective adoptive parents is the home visit portion of the home study. You might be wondering: What does my house need to look like to adopt? There is no black and white answer to this question.
Many waiting couples are worried the size of their house could hinder their chances of adoption or that if they rent instead of own their residence they will be ruled out. You can rest assured that many adoptive parents rent instead of own their homes and adoption professionals won’t rule you out based on the size of your house or apartment, as long as you have a room for your child.
If you’re hopeful adoptive parents wanting to add to or begin a family of your own, you’ve likely already done some research. If you have questions and concerns about the home study and how it might affect your ability to adopt, let us put your mind at ease. While the home study is important, an adoption professional’s goal with the home study is to rule you in rather than out. They just want to be sure that you have all the resources you need to comfortably raise a child.
The primary focus of the home visit is to make sure that your child will be safe in their new home. If you have any questions that aren’t answered in this article, reach out to an adoption professional today to get the answers you need.
The purpose of the home inspection, also known as the home visit, is to serve as an opportunity for your adoption professional to educate you on any potential changes that should be made to ensure your child’s safety. This means that even if there is an area of your home that could be an issue, it doesn’t mean you will be instantly ruled out. Your home study professional will give you pointers and suggestions of how to improve problematic areas of your home to be child-friendly. They want to lead you in the right direction, not find ways to rule you out.
Your home study professional will make sure that there are fire escape routes, that any guns are properly locked in a safe and out of reach of a child, screens on all your windows and fences around any open water on the property.
While the home study isn’t as black and white as many hopeful adoptive parents fear it is, it is something you should definitely prepare for. Of course, you don’t have to completely overhaul your home, but implementing basic things such as making sure your home is clean and clear of any potential safety hazards. Your adoption professional can give you a rundown of what they will be
Here are 7 easy steps you can take to ensure your home is safe for a child:
Make sure that the hot water in your home is safe for the sensitive skin of your little one. Setting the temperature gauge on the water heater to 120 degrees Fahrenheit or lower is usually the standard.
It can be helpful to make sure that your kitchen is child-friendly by putting potentially dangerous items up and out of a child’s reach such as cutlery, glass, heavy cookware and cleaning chemicals.
Babies and young children are prone to putting things they find on the floor in their mouth. Make sure that any small objects a child could put in their mouth are picked up and out of reach such as chemical cleaning supplies, paper clips, pen caps, etc. Not only is this unsanitary, but small objects like these are definite choking hazards.
Check your outlets! Make sure to cover any unused outlets with outlet plugs to make sure that your child isn’t sticking their fingers or toys in the outlet.
A big safety point your adoption social worker will check for is making sure that all of your windows have screens. Also make sure that any blind cords or curtains with tassels are managed to prevent your child from getting tangled. Consider investing in cord stops or safety tassels.
Make sure that any low furniture with sharp edges such as coffee tables and dressers are covered with a rubber bumper or guard. Also make sure any tall furniture that could be climbed is secure in the floor or the wall.
The safety of the outside of your home matters too. Make sure any sharp or heavy yard tools are put away and that your yard is free of any poisonous plants. As previously stated, if you have any ponds, pools or fountains, make sure there is a fence or barrier around the perimeter.
If your home study professional does come across any discrepancies during the home visit, this doesn’t mean that you will be ruled out from adoption. The home visit is an inspection but it’s also a learning opportunity. Your home study professional will address any concerns they have and tell how you can improve and why it’s important. They just need to know that you are willing to make the necessary adjustments to ensure the safety of your child.
If you have more questions about how to baby proof your home or prepare for you adoption home visit, contact an adoption professional today to get more free information.
If you’re someone who is considering adoption as a way to create the family of your dreams, this is a very exciting time in your life. But, with a process as life-changing as adoption, there are requirements to be able to adopt. You might be wondering: What will disqualify me from adopting a child?
Every adoption professional you work with will have standards in place to make sure that they are working with adoptive families who are committed and prepared to raise a child. The requirements of many agencies are based around the state adoption laws. These laws very state to state, so it’s important that you do thorough research on your own state’s adoption requirements.
That being said, the 5 most common concerns that would-be parents have about factors that may “disqualify” them from adopting a child include:
Age may seem like an unfair adoption requirement since it is something that is out of your control, but like all adoption requirements, it’s designed with the adoptee’s best interests in mind. Most states require you to be a minimum of 18 years old to adopt. In some states like Colorado or Oklahoma you must be 21, and in others 25. Many don’t have a specific age minimum at all.
On the other end of the spectrum, some agencies have a maximum age cutoff so that they can be sure that you will able to properly care for the child long-term. While there are no laws stating a maximum age for adoption, many agencies will have cutoffs around the age of 50. You can find your state’s age requirements here.
While most common chronic health conditions like anxiety or diabetes won’t disqualify you from adopting a child, adoption agencies want to be sure that you will be physically and mentally capable of caring for your child long-term. As long as you are actively managing your illness and it doesn’t inhibit your ability to care for your child, your health will not disqualify you from being able to adopt. With some life threatening illnesses such as cancer, some adoption agencies might have a requirement that you must be in remission for 3 months before adopting. This isn’t meant to be discriminatory, but more an insurance that you will be able to be around long term for your child and give them the proper care.
A big factor in whether or not you qualify to adopt a child is if you have a criminal background. No matter which adoption agency you work with, all adoptive parents must complete a home study, which includes background checks.
However, it isn’t always as cut and dry as being disqualified from adoption just because you have a criminal history. In the case of a non-violent offense, your adoption professional might sit down with you to discuss the charge and why the offense happened. Misdemeanor violent offenses may be evaluated on a case by case basis by a judge. If you have a history of violence against children, you will be immediately disqualified from adoption.
Another deciding factor of whether you will be able to adopt or not will depend on your financial situation. You don’t need to be incredibly wealthy to adopt a child or even debt-free, just financially stable. As long as you have enough money to properly support a child as well as yourself, your financial situation will not disqualify you from adopting. If you do currently find yourself in a situation where your financial situation may prevent you from adopting, this is something that could change down the line.
What constitutes a lifestyle that could disqualify you from adopting will vary agency to agency. In previous years, one of the most common might have been if you were an LGBTQ parent/couple. Fortunately, today you can adopt in all 50 states regardless of your sexual orientation.
However, some states there have legislation in place that makes it possible for private adoption agencies to deny same-sex couples who are trying to adopt, especially if they are faith-based. Some adoption agencies may disqualify you if you are single because most pregnant women considering adoption are looking for two-parent homes for their child.
Fortunately, most adoption agencies operate under open-minded ideals and will accept adoptive parents from all different backgrounds and lifestyles. What might be a disqualifying factor with one agency, may not apply to another. It’s important that you thoroughly research an adoption professional before working with them to ensure that they can meet your needs.
Creating a family of your own through adoption is a beautiful opportunity. It’s important that you do your own research of your state’s adoption laws and that you are familiar with the requirements of the adoption professional you choose. If you’re worried about certain aspects of your life affecting your ability to adopt, reach out to an adoption professional to get more information about the adoption opportunities available to you.
