Every action has a reaction that follows. Whether you like the reaction or not, there are always going to be pros and cons to every decision that you make in life. Even something as simple as the food you decide to put in your body will have a negative or positive effect on you, depending on what you choose to eat. Relationships are a bit more complicated than determining your meal plan. You can control what goes into your body, but you can’t control the reactions of others to your own decisions. Free will is the greatest gift that we have been given. It is a God-gifted blessing, so that we can choose how to live our lives. Whether you believe God gave us free will, or if you believe in manifest destiny, the truth remains the same: Cause and effect are inevitable. The choice of adoption belongs to the woman who has conceived the child. While this may not seem fair to those who don’t agree with her decision, it is irrelevant since it is ultimately a birth mother’s choice to determine whether adoption is the best option. However, while there are great benefits that come with the choice for adoption, there are also consequences. Adoption is not a decision to be made lightly. Once finalization has occurred, the choice is final. The ramifications of the choice for adoption are significant, and should be given serious consideration before following through.
1. Birth mothers choose the parents who will raise her child. A woman who finds herself dealing with an unexpected pregnancy may already know the people who will raise her child. Perhaps she has known them her whole life, or perhaps fate has brought them together in perfect timing. Perhaps the woman does not know who she will choose to raise her child, but knows that adoption is the best, and perhaps only, option. Adoption agencies, adoption attorneys, and other sources are available for this woman to find the parents she knows will be the best fit for her child. Having a choice as to who will raise your child is an incredibly empowering realization and experience. 2. Adoption is an opportunity to give a child the best life they could ever have. I would think it’s fair to say that women who are facing an adoption decision are struggling in one or many more aspects of their lives. Whether it be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically or otherwise, the struggle is real. Facing an unexpected pregnancy before you are truly ready to parent can be incredibly terrifying. It’s hard enough to raise a child under the best circumstances, let alone poor circumstances. Choosing adoption means offering your child a life that you know you just couldn’t provide for them. It’s truly a sacrificial gift. 3. Peace of mind for the safety and security of your baby. Along with choosing the parents that your child will have and gifting them with a better life comes the benefit of peace of mind for your child. I remember always feeling so frantic that I couldn’t provide for my baby. After meeting his soon-to-be adoptive parents, I felt this sense of peace wash over me. It was breathtaking. I knew that my son would be safe and secure for the rest of his life. He wouldn’t be dependent on me anymore, but I didn’t need him to. I needed him to be dependent on people who could provide for him. Peace of mind is a priceless benefit of choosing adoption. 4. Another chance at life for a birth mother. Life is completely interrupted when it comes to an unplanned pregnancy. Absolutely everything changes when you find out you are expecting, let alone when you weren’t prepared to be expecting. A woman’s body changes, her hormones shift, her circumstances may look bleak, and relationships respond to the unexpected pregnancy for better or worse. The point is, when a woman becomes pregnant, her life changes. It will entirely shift the core of your being. Going from caring for yourself first to supporting the little life inside of you changes every single priority. Choosing adoption allows for an unprepared birth mother to have a second shot at life. It allows for more mature decisions to be made in the future, and it really is a wake-up call for those who are not walking a happy and healthy path. 5. Remaining in contact with the birth child. Choosing an open adoption allows for a woman to continue being in her child’s life without the legal obligations that comes with parenting. Depending on the level of openness and frequency of communication, a birth mother may genuinely feel fulfilled in her relationship with her child through an open adoption. Obviously there will be bumps along the road, and the waters will shift with the tide, but navigating through an open adoption is far from impossible. A birth mother who cannot parent but desires to have a relationship with her child may find an open adoption the ideal situation.
1. Experiencing intense and, at times, overwhelming emotions. There is just no way around it: choosing adoption is emotionally painful. Not only are you going to deal with grieving a loss related to your child, and perhaps the loss of others in your life who pulled their support, but you will also grieve losing the role of “mother” to your child. You may feel empty at times and lost. These wounds take time to heal, and no matter what you do to try to avoid it, eventually you will have to process these losses and go through the grieving process. 2. Birth mothers have no legal rights to their adopted birth children. Once finalization has occurred, the process of the adoption itself is over. There is no more room for a woman to change her mind or choose different parents. She has made a decision that she cannot change and that is to completely relinquish all legal rights to her child. 3. Going through the grief process in the long-term. Healing is a journey, not a destination. I chose adoption over seven years ago, and I am still walking a path of healing. At times, the negative feelings associated with grief surface for me. I have a hard time being around my birth son for long periods of time. My relationship with the adoptive parents is always evolving, as is the growing relationship I am developing with my son. There is no short-term solution for dealing with the grief. Once a birth mother, always a birth mother. 4. There is the possibility of regretting the choice for adoption. I hate to say it, but it’s true: While it’s rare, you may regret your adoption decision. I’m not going to sugar coat the truth and tell you that once you choose adoption, life is smooth sailing from there. Life is messy, at times it’s confusing, and sometimes it’s a rollercoaster ride. Throw choosing adoption into an already chaotic situation, and your life will either get better or worse depending upon the choices that you make. I have no regrets, but there are women out there who do. They felt pressured to make a decision they were not mature enough or equipped to make. Make sure when you are seriously considering adoption that you consult with an adoption professional or pregnancy counselor. They are equipped with the tools and information to help women who are dealing with an unplanned pregnancy to make the best decisions for themselves and their children. This is the best way to avoid regretting any decisions you may make while experiencing such a difficult time in life. 5. You may lose some relationships that are important to you. Not everyone is going to agree with your decision for adoption. There may be people in your life for whom you care deeply, but will cut you out of their life if you follow through with your adoption decision. This will only add to the aspects of choosing adoption that you will need to heal from. These relationships may be rekindled at a later date, but some of them may disappear forever. Remember, while the cons seem rather harsh, and potentially terrifying, healing is the right and responsibility of every birth mother. Healing is possible, and it can be a miraculous journey if you are dedicated to walking it. Trust me, I’m living proof.
Honestly, it’s crucial to assess your own personal situation. Take a genuine and truthful look at the different aspects of your life, including the emotional, spiritual, physical, mental and financial components, before you make an adoption decision. The cons of choosing adoption for your baby may outweigh the pros for you and vice versa. Whatever you do, make sure you are positive it is the right choice for you. If you don’t know if it’s the right choice and just cannot achieve some peace of mind throughout the process, then adoption may not be the best decision for you. However, if you feel a sense of peace for yourself and for the future of your child, then trust your instincts. Make yourself a pros and cons list for yourself regarding the choice for adoption. Keep it to yourself, or share with someone in your support system. Do you feel at peace about your decision? ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
In this season of “This is Us,” adoptee Randall and his wife Beth choose to pursue foster care. While there have only been two episodes of the season so far, they’ve managed to ask some of the hardest questions and bring up the most challenging issues surrounding this kind of family-building process. While both seemed on board with the idea of foster care at the end of the season premiere, one thought continues to make Randall second-guess their adoption decision: How can they successfully bring a child into their house who may have a history of physical, mental or sexual trauma? It’s a question that all prospective foster parents and parents looking to adopt from the foster system should ask themselves before they commit to this kind of family-building process. This is one of the biggest challenges of foster care — but, with the proper preparation and understanding, it doesn’t have to be the thing that ends your journey.
Unfortunately, every child who has entered foster care has experienced some kind of trauma. Indeed, the very act of being placed into the foster care system is traumatic, as children lose everything they know — their birth families and often their friends, teachers and peers — as they are placed in a completely different environment and community. In addition to this trauma, many children in foster care have previously experienced physical, mental or sexual trauma, which is often the reason why they are taken into foster care in the first place. How a child responds to this trauma will vary; it may severely impact their day-to-day life or only reemerge during triggering situations. In response, many children in foster care have developed unhealthy habits and behaviors in attempt to cope with these emotions and memories. For many who are unfamiliar with the foster care process, they think these habits are a sign that a child is a “bad kid” and, therefore, not capable of “being fixed.” This is the entirely wrong mindset. It’s important that any prospective foster parents understand the way foster children behave is not their own fault but instead a reflection of the harrowing situations they have been through. Foster children are not “bad”; they are good kids who have had bad things happen to them.
When you choose to become foster parents or adopt a child from foster care, your foster care agency or department of social services will work with you to prepare you for this placement. This includes providing you all the available background information about your foster child, the training you need to address some of the behavior issues that stem from their trauma, and more. The key to parenting a child who has experienced trauma is an understanding of what they are going through, physically and emotionally. A child wants nothing more than to be loved and accepted into a family, and the difficulty they have adjusting and opening up to you does not mean this isn’t true — just that their past makes it difficult to do so. It will take time and immense patience to help a child understand they are safe and loved and that the coping behaviors they had previously developed are not necessary in your care. Your foster care agency can help you prepare for parenting a child who is in this situation, but some important things to remember are to:
By learning more about parenting a child with trauma before you even start the foster care process, you will likely feel better about entering this period in your life. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your foster care professional or local counselors to help prepare for a foster care placement and ensure that this is really the best path for your family.
Foster care is a challenging but immensely rewarding way of changing a child’s life forever, which is the reason why Randall and Beth on “This is Us” chose to pursue this path. However, it’s only one that should be taken if you’re confident that it’s right for you and that whatever unknowns and challenges lie ahead are worth it based on your personal goals. If you want to learn more about parenting a foster child who has experienced trauma, please contact one of your local foster care professionals. You can also keep watching “This is Us,” as previews for next week’s episode show that Beth and Randall will soon welcome a 12-year-old foster daughter into their lives and cope with the new challenges she brings. You can watch “This is Us” online on Hulu.
There are a lot of posts out there about famous people who have adopted or famous people who are adoptees. What’s less known, however, is the number of famous people who have actually placed a child for adoption. Understandably, there’s a reason for this. The decision to place a child for adoption is a deeply personal one that some people may choose to keep to themselves — and that’s entirely their right. However, many in the adoption community wish to celebrate birth parents and their brave choice and, therefore, celebrate those birth parents that have used their platform to share their story and highlight the beauty of adoption. But, who are some famous birth parents? While there are likely more celebrities than we know who are birth parents, here are some of the people who have actually shared their adoption stories with the public:
Before the folk singer became famous, she was a 21 year-old poverty-stricken artist living in a Toronto rooming house. She found herself pregnant and, knowing that she couldn’t properly care for a baby, decided to place her child “born with the moon in Cancer” for adoption in 1965. Mitchell would go on to write a song about her baby girl, “Little Green.” While there was heartache on both sides of the adoption triad, Mitchell eventually was reunited with her daughter in 1988.
The “Orange is the New Black” actress placed her child for adoption in 1977 when she was starring on “Ryan’s Hope.” After her producers wrote her pregnancy into the show, Mulgrew kept acting while pregnant and worked with Catholic Charities to complete her adoption. While she didn’t receive any information about her daughter for 20 years, she did reconnect with her daughter in 1998. Mulgrew wrote about her experience for AARP, saying, “My daughter’s capacity for forgiveness is something I have never seen before in my life. That sense of abandonment was excruciating in her life. There is not enough time to make up for it, only enough time to love. We cried a lot. All we can do is move forward. So we do.”
The actress placed a child for adoption in 1971 when she was 18 years old, leaving her daughter information to find her when she turned 21 herself. However, a tabloid magazine unearthed her adoption documents, throwing her adoption reunion into chaos. Eventually, Barr reunited with her daughter: “We looked at each other, Brandi jumped out of her seat, and we started running toward each other. We embraced and wouldn’t let go of each other, hugging and crying,” Barr told People magazine. “I saw a lot of me in her. She’s intuitive, trusts her perceptions and feelings and listens to what’s not spoken. That’s how I’ve lived my life.”
After finding out in the early 1960s that his girlfriend at the time was pregnant, musician Crosby and the birth mother decided to place their son for adoption. It wasn’t until 30 years later that Crosby was reunited with his son, who also turned out to be a musician. Today, Crosby plays in the same band as his son, James Raymond, who described their relationship to Goldmine Magazine in 2014: “He likes to look out for me,” he said. “There’s certain facets of our relationship where he does get to be like a father figure. And then there’s times when it switches, and I’m kinda like the father. But it’s more like brothers in arms. We’re very close collaborators and really good friends. That’s more the dynamic.”
The comedian and “Taxi” actor and girlfriend placed their daughter for adoption in 1969 when he was a college student in Boston and his girlfriend was a high school student. While he died before his daughter could be reunited with him, she became very close with her birth grandfather and birth aunt and uncle.
Stewart placed his first child for adoption in 1963 and recently opened up about their reunion and relationship in the last decade. He expressed guilt about his choice for his daughter but also said their relationship has begun to improve the last decade, especially after her adoptive parents died. His daughter described their relationship to the Daily Mail: “At the moment it’s all baby steps, but whatever issues were there have all been forgotten, for both of us… It’s all water under the bridge now. It’s nerve-racking, too, but just as much so for him as it is for me.” Stewart would go on to write a song for his daughter’s birth mother: “Brighton Beach.”
Actress Ruehl placed a child for adoption as a young woman in 1975, knowing she didn’t have the capability to care for a child in her position. However, in 1996, they ended up reuniting. Her son is even the godfather of her younger adopted son. Ruehl described their first meeting to The New York Times, saying, “We just looked at each other and we laughed and we hugged each other. I thought I was going to cry. We just felt so shy, we just giggled.” For a full list of famous adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptees, check out American Adoptions’ list here.
As a little girl, I had baby dolls, doll houses and Barbies galore. I would daydream about being a mommy. In my adolescence, I suffered from debilitating menstrual pain, only to find out in college that I had endometriosis. The chances of me ever bearing children dropped to 50 percent. As a young woman who used to dream about being a mother, I was crushed. Fast forward to my early 20s, and I found myself pregnant. I was literally in shock. I was in college, independent, and had very little support.
When I was a mother, it lasted for six months. I was exhausted. I was living in a very difficult situation with very little support, and I just couldn’t continue to parent. Not only was I at my wit’s end, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to offer my son the future that I wanted for him. Adoption was the best decision that I could have made for us, but that doesn’t mean it was the easy decision.
I chose adoption seven years ago. It still hurts at times. The pain isn’t as close to what it was in the beginning, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t hurt. For example, I see mothers with their children, and I wonder if that will ever be me. Did I miss my chance at being a mother? It’s an odd sensation, because I don’t have regrets. But I am 30 years old and have yet to give birth again. I still daydream like I did when I was a child. Yet, the same question remains: Am I ready yet to be a full-time mother?
I wasn’t very young when I had my son, but I am ever so much more mature now. I still struggle with whether I am ready to be a mother again. I think back to what it was like when I had my son, and how difficult the pregnancy, and the loneliness, was. I am married now, but I still have fears and concerns that something could go wrong.
Perhaps the trauma never leaves you. Perhaps it will always haunt you to some degree. I guess the question is, how do you face the fears? Will I ever parent a child of my own again, or will I always be reminded of what I went through in my past? I am a stepmother and an aunt now to children that I would do anything for. Yet, the thought of having my own child again frightens me. Why?
My passion is in writing about spiritual healing. However, I did not get here overnight. I have kept a diary since I was young, and haven’t stopped writing since then. Writing is my most effective healing tool. Yet, no matter how much I write, or how far I have come on this path of healing, there is still more to go. I’d love to tell you that I understand why I am hesitant to have children again. I wish I had all the answers sometimes. However, if I knew everything, then how would I ever go on adventures? This life is an adventure, and I am always navigating some type of deep water. My life has not been easy, but I am still here and stronger than ever.
Today, I ask myself: Why am I hesitant to parent again? Do I feel that I owe my son something? Do I feel that I owe myself something? Am I afraid of failure? Do I see adoption as failure subconsciously? What is holding me back from deciding about parenting again? The truth is, I still have time if I decide to parent again. I am at least a decade away from having to truly make that decision.
In the meantime, I press forward on my path of healing. I do the best I am able to with what I know. I rely on my insight, wisdom and my faith for guidance. I have lived a lot of life in my 30 years, but there is still so much farther for me to go. I ask you to walk this path of healing with me. Ask yourself the tough questions about what you want for your life, and don’t give up when life becomes tough. I still feel lonely as a birth mother, but it has significantly lessened over time. Perhaps you can contemplate with me: Will we decide to have children again, and what will it take to make that decision? ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
It’s no secret that today’s families are busier than ever. With both parents working in the majority of two-parent households on top of children being in school and attending extracurricular activities, finding family time — even just a sit-down dinner together — can seem impossible. That’s why there’s a national effort to make those family dinners happen on Sept. 27, also known as Family Day. Family Day is a national campaign to promote family dinners as a way to connect with children and reduce youth substance abuse and other risky behaviors. After all, children whose families eat together have been found less likely to smoke, drink and use illegal drugs, not to mention have better family relationships than those who don’t have sit-down family meals every night. But, when you’re so busy with your and your child’s schedule, how do you find the time to come together as a family unit? While it may be hard at first, with time and effort, you and your family can fall into a routine of sitting down for dinner together, sharing your stories from the day and becoming a more cohesive family unit. Here are some tips to get started:
One of the reasons it’s so difficult for families to have dinner together is because of jam-packed schedules. However, when you want to make family dinner a priority, include it as a non-negotiable part of your schedule. For example, if you decide to have family dinners every Sunday at 6:30, any other activities that fall during that time must be rescheduled or missed. By planning out your family schedule each week, you can find a time when you all can sit down together to eat.
It’s hard after a long day of work to right away get to work cooking an expansive meal, especially if you have a bigger family. That’s why it’s important to start slow; find meals that will take only a half hour to make with minimal ingredients, or find recipes that can sit in a slow-cooker all day while you’re at work and be ready when you come home. The easier that you make your family dinner, the more likely you will be to follow through with it.
Even though modern families are bucking traditional gender roles, there can be an unstated expectation that one member of the family does all of the cooking, every time. This can quickly lead to resentment, which is the last thing you want to associate with your family meal time. Set another schedule that allows parents and children to both play a role in the cooking process, as well as cleaning up and setting the table, to make it fun and to divvy up the responsibility.
Family dinners should be about connecting with each other in person — not others through an electronic screen. Both children and parents should remove their phones from the table and make a pledge not to answer or check the phone if they receive a call or text. Whatever it is, it can wait. If you have a child who can’t stand not having some kind of stimulation, incorporate tabletop game like TableTopics conversation starters to make family dinners just as much fun as the newest version of Candy Crush.
Perhaps one of the most important parts of a family dinner is to cultivate positive, fun conversations that bring your family together. Make this an opportunity for everyone to talk about their favorite thing that happened that day, what they’re looking forward to tomorrow and anything else that they want to share. It can also be an opportunity for important (positive) family discussions — for example, talking to an adopted child about their adoption story. However, avoid any conversations that bring up negative emotions. The dinner table is not the place to talk about chores, punishment or any other less-than-fun activities. If a child or parent starts complaining about something at the dinner table, redirect the conversation. Tell them you’d be happy to listen to their thoughts after dinner is finished and the table is cleared. Creating a family dinner tradition can be difficult at first, but it’s one that provides so many benefits for all members of the family. That’s why it’s highly recommended for families to eat four or more meals together each week to promote bonding and family relationships — especially important for foster care and older adoptees who want to feel safe and accepted in their forever home. For more tips on how to start a family dinner tradition, check out the Family Day website and take the Family Day Pledge.
This week, the Permanency for Children Act was introduced to Congress. The legislation would connect fatherhood registries in 34 states with the Federal Parent Locator Service, creating a more efficient way to locate birth fathers during adoption proceedings. The National Council on Adoption has endorsed the bill, which was presented to Congress by Rep. Vicky Hatrzler (R-MO) and Rep. Annie Kuster (D-NH). “A responsible father registry is a voluntary database where birth fathers can proactively assert their parental rights for purposes of custody or adoption,” said Hartzler, according to a press release from her office. “Currently, these databases operate in 34 U.S. states. This legislation would link these registries to the existing Federal Parent Locator Service, thereby increasing the scope of searchable databases to better locate the fathers of children in custody or adoption cases.” If passed, this legislation would help to make sure birth fathers have rights in the adoption process as well as make it easier to find them, potentially speeding up any adoption proceedings. It should be noted that this bill also maintains all existing protections for a mother and her child in instances of domestic violence or sexual abuse.
Let’s talk about my son’s birth father. I was six months sober when I met this man who was 10 years older than me. I thought he was incredible. My young hormones clouded my judgement, and before I knew it, I was in a very unhealthy relationship with a very unhealthy person. I broke up with him, and found out one week later that I was pregnant. Of course, I went back to him, only to be disappointed much more expediently the second time around. I can tell you that I loved him, and I loved him even more when I knew I was carrying his child. I can also tell you that I hated him, and I hated him even more when I found out he got me pregnant.
My son’s birth father has never met my son. He went to one doctor’s appointment with me while I was pregnant, and that was the only time he was involved in my pregnancy. After my son was born, and during the six months that I was a mother, I never allowed for him to be in my life or my son’s life, as he had proven to have some serious emotional issues to sort out.
My son is now asking questions about his biological father. His parents have a picture that they have shown him, and told my son what his birth father’s name is. However, that is the extent of the information that my son has, and honestly the extent that the adoptive parents know. My son’s parents know that my son’s biological father was a poor influence on me and that little boy. They have never spoken with the birth father, nor have they wanted to.
For the past seven years, I have texted the birth father once per year just to make sure that he is still alive and that I know how to get ahold of him. About three years ago, I received an apology and an amends from the man whom I used to love. He felt great remorse over the choices he made, and insisted that he has changed. Fast forward to the present: My son is asking questions about his birth father. It’s one thing to help my child learn about where he came from, but it’s another story to face the fears and trauma I’ve been through regarding that same person. I am in a conversation in my head, torn between this man being someone I used to love, and the same man being my son’s birth father. I must keep stability in my life and my son’s life as much as I am able to as a birth mother, but I also must face old traumas.
I have been in communication with my son’s birth father lately. We have had a few conversations. He has learned enough about my son to give him a picture that he is happy, healthy and well taken care of. I sent him a picture as well. At this point, conversations are going well. It will take time before I will be comfortable with the birth father speaking with the adoptive parents, and that is alright. It’s more important to navigate this relationship wisely rather than diving in head first like I did seven years ago.
My greatest challenge in communicating with my son’s birth father is understanding how I feel about my son’s birth father. I haven’t walked a path of healing in this area yet. Realizing that I still have healing to do in a whole new area is not something that scares me, though. I know that I have come this far with healing, and since it’s a journey, I’ll be walking it for my whole life on this planet.
The greatest comfort I have in wading through these emotions is leaning on my faith. I believe that God is walking next to me on my path, and that he will never leave my side. Not everyone who reads this will believe in God, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have faith. Use your own spiritual principles to navigate feelings regarding a birth father.
The other resource I have that is greatly helping me is my support network. Between friends, family and therapy, I have a lot of people in my corner. I can talk to my loved ones and support system about how I’m feeling and what I’m going through. They will listen and give advice when I need it. While I don’t frequently talk with my son’s parents, I know they care about me as well. They completely and fully support me in my conversations with the birth father. They trust my judgement, and know I would only give information if I was completely comfortable with it. Knowing that I am in their hearts brings me much joy. After all, I love them with all my heart and respect them for the parents that they were, are, and will be. If you find yourself dealing with confusing emotions regarding a birth father, get some support. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed at times, and even be confused. It’s just important to remember to ask for help and support when you need it. As you navigate the open waters of an open adoption, listen to your faith, trust your child’s adoptive parents, and make sure you take care of yourself as well. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
School is back in full swing, which also means that the dreaded homework assignments are also now a part of parents’ evening routines. But, on top of helping with math and reading assignments, parents are also instrumental in one homework assignment in particular: creating a family tree. These assignments can be difficult enough for any family (tracing lineage isn’t always the easiest task), but when it comes to families who have added to their family through adoption, the assignment is even trickier. After all, how do you create an adoption family tree when the assignment is so focused on the biological aspect of a family relationship? What does a family tree for an adopted child look like? With a little creativity, you can learn how to show adoption on a family tree in a way that’s respectful and makes your child happy. Remember, adoption is always something to be proud of — and there are several ways you can incorporate your child’s unique adoption story into his family tree assignment. Here are some tips if you’re wondering how to show adoption on a family tree:
While we’re all familiar with what a typical family tree looks like, you will likely need to be creative with the design when you’re incorporating birth and adoptive families into this assignment. Instead of a traditional tree design, you may wish to look to other adoption family tree templates. For example, some people create a family “forest,” incorporating multiple trees for an adoptee’s birth and adoptive family. Others place an adopted child in the roots of the tree, with different branches representing parents (and smaller branches diverging off of those main ones).
Perhaps an adoption family tree isn’t the most positive experience for your child, especially if they don’t know much about their birth family history. With the permission of your child’s teacher, you may wish to complete a less-literal family tree. You could create a “family meadow,” where you include not only family members but also your neighbors, your community and anyone else who is present in your child’s upbringing. To stay with the family tree theme, your child may instead choose to complete a family tree for a famous person in history, like a president. You can view some other ideas for family tree and history assignments here.
When you have an adopted child, it’s important that your child’s teacher understands their family situation from the first day of school. This way, they can be inclusive of your child in activities like family trees or genetics lessons that typically emphasize biological connections over any other familial relationship. When your child is assigned a family tree lesson, make sure you express your concerns to their teacher, so they know to expect a slightly different assignment from your child. They may even have suggestions for how to show adoption on a family tree or alternative assignments your child can complete. For the most part, an adopted child’s schooling should not be any different from a child with any other kind of family structure — but it is important to recognize how these structures can affect a child’s ability to complete a certain assignment. There’s not just a different family tree for an adopted child but for any other child who has divorced parents, or a single-parent or other nontraditional household. So, if you do find yourself struggling to complete an adoption family tree, we encourage you to reach out to not only your child’s teacher but also fellow adoptive parents and adoptive parent resources to find out what options are available to you.
I recently had the blessing in my life in the form of a visit from my son and his parents. My family and I moved out of state a few years ago, and visits have become more challenging due to about a 12-hour drive. However, they decided to come for a visit! We had been planning it for months, and I was so excited. I went through a wave of emotions while my son was here. He is so mature for his age, and just had a blast!
There is a plethora of emotions a birth mother may experience when visiting or talking with her birth child. I know because I have experienced many of them. Regardless of how long it has been since placement, what forum we are communicating in, or how old he is, I always experience powerful emotions when I interact with him. The following are some emotions that are perfectly normal to experience and some tips on how to manage those feelings:
Grief is one of the most powerful emotions that I experience as a birth mother. While I have processed through much of this, I still have waves of its stages. In the beginning of our adoption relationship, I would experience grief in a very substantial way. I would lay my eyes upon him and must hold back tears because I was so sad that I couldn’t provide for him. I felt angry at the people who weren’t supportive while I was a mother. Over time, through therapy, and with support, I have come to a place where the grief has lessened so substantially that I barely notice it.
I was a mother for six months with an infant, and nine previously when I was pregnant. I didn’t choose adoption immediately upon learning that I was pregnant. I had the mentality that I was a mother, and that I was going to raise a child. Now that I am a birth mother, my role has changed to my son. I am not the one who puts him to bed, disciplines him, or teaches him daily. Sometimes I still find that I will experience confusion regarding my role in his life. There are moments when I desire to parent him when I am with him, moments when I miss him, and moments when I’m not even sure what to say to him.
The greatest feeling of joy that I have ever felt is when I am with my son. No matter what is going on in my personal life, when I talk to him or see him, it gives me the energy to keep moving forward in my own life. I know that what I did by choosing adoption was brave, and his happy and healthy life only further proves that it was the right decision. I have felt depressed before interactions with him, and by the time the interaction ended, I literally have wanted to bottle up the joy I felt and save it for later when I need some happiness in my life.
Peace is the goal I think. No matter what you have been through as a birth mother, no matter what obstacles you have overcome as a woman, and no matter how difficult life can be, peace with adoption is the goal of being on a healing journey. I can confidently claim to have a level of peace in my life today. I saw my son recently, and just could enjoy my time with him. I was in the present, didn’t obsess over what was or what could have been, and truly got to love on him and was able to let him love on me. If you experience negative emotions while engaging in interaction with your birth child, keep in mind that it is completely normal. You might tear up a bit, you might even have to step away to cry. What’s important is that you take a breath and remember what a blessing you have given this child. Look at his or her life and be grateful for what that child has. The adoptive parents that you choose should bring you comfort as well, just by knowing that you choose them and they choose you and your child. If you find that phone calls and visits are proving a bit too challenging, don’t beat yourself up. Perhaps it is best to limit your visits to an hour or two, and phone calls to five to ten minutes. That’s what I have done, and his adoptive parents sometimes need these limits as well. If we can all respect each other’s needs, we get through the difficult times together. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
One of the most common questions that lawyers receive from both current parents and hopeful parents is, “What is the difference between adoption and legal guardianship?” The biggest and most important difference when it comes to guardianship vs. adoption is the time period for which it is effective: Guardianship is temporary while adoption is permanent. However, because the legal difference between adoption and legal guardianship can be nuanced and complicated, it’s easy for current parents and prospective parents to get the two processes confused. As with all legal adoption topics, it’s recommended that you speak to an experienced adoption attorney to learn more about your state’s specific laws on the matter before moving forward. An attorney can also examine your personal situation to determine whether adoption vs. guardianship is best for you.
The reason why adoption and legal guardianship are so confusing is because the two options have many similarities. They both accomplish the goal of providing a child with a stable, supportive parent — although, as you’ll find out below, the legal implications of that vary between adoption vs. guardianship. In both situations, a parent is given the responsibility of caring for a child who is usually not biologically theirs. They have all the parental responsibilities involved with taking care of a child, like providing financial and emotional support and ensuring they receive all of the basic necessities required to survive, including a proper education. Both legal guardians and adoptive parents have the right to consent to medical treatment for the child.
While both adoption and guardianship provide a stable parent to a child in need, the intended length and legal consequences of each process vary to two different extremes. A legal guardianship is a temporary caregiving situation for a child. When a parent chooses to place their child in a legal guardianship, it’s to ensure the child receives necessary care that the legal parent can’t provide at the moment — but intends to after a certain period of time. Legal guardianships can give guardians custody of a child until they’re 18 years old; however, the legal parents retain all legal parental rights for the child. Therefore, the child’s legal parents can always terminate the guardianship and reclaim custody of the child, as well as pass inheritance along to the child. A legal guardian cannot pass along their own inheritance to the child in their custody unless a special provision is made in their will. Adoption, on the other hand, is a process that legally terminates the rights of a child’s legal or biological parents as they are placed into the custody of new adoptive parents. Unlike guardianship, adoption is not temporary; it’s a permanent decision that legally separates a child from their legal/biological parents. After an adoption, a child’s legal or biological parents cannot reclaim the rights to their child. An adoption also excludes legal parents from any child support obligation and any rights to visitation, unless previously agreed upon in an open adoption agreement. Depending on when an adoption takes place and what kind of adoption is completed, the legal adoption process can be much more involved than a legal guardianship process. For example, if a domestic infant adoption takes place, the adoptive parents and prospective birth mother will go through a different adoption process than two relatives completing an older child adoption.
Usually, if a person is wondering, “Adoption versus guardianship?” it’s because they know of a situation where there’s a child in need but aren’t sure of what’s the best option for the child’s parent. Ultimately, this decision is always up to the child’s parent. But, knowing the important differences between adoption and legal guardianship, how does a parent decide what’s the best caregiving option for their child? Before deciding between the two, parents should ask themselves these questions:
When it comes to guardianship versus adoption, there is no one right answer — just the right answer for your situation. It’s not a decision to make without serious research and consideration, but there are many experienced adoption attorneys who can offer the legal advice you need to make the best choice for you. Reach out to an attorney near you to learn more about the two processes and, when you’re ready, to start the one that’s best for you and your child.
