“I am thinking about putting my infant up for adoption. I have already given birth, though, and I am hesitant that no one will want to adopt a baby unless they have been involved in the pregnancy. Am I even allowed to do this? How do I decide if I can put my infant up for adoption? How do I decide what is right for my baby while still considering what is right for me? How do I know if I am making the best decision? I’m so torn between the promises I have already made to keep my baby and the deep desire to place my child up for adoption. What do I do?”
Perhaps you find yourself thinking along these lines. Perhaps you have many questions. Perhaps you have been thinking about adoption, but have felt too fearful to follow through. Perhaps now you are realizing that adoption really is the best option, but you have waited a while to make the decision and now your baby is a few months old. Perhaps you are on the fence about adoption and have no idea how to even begin to make that decision. Wherever you are coming from, whatever your situation is, whatever fears are plaguing your mind or thoughts that are racing through it; you are not alone, and you are not trapped. My goal in writing is to help other women heal who have chosen adoption. I also have the hope that I can be of assistance to educate throughout the process as well.
I chose adoption when my son was six months old. Many of the racing thoughts that I have outlined above, I have experienced. I had so many questions and felt so afraid of the life that was ahead of me. I was living in fear of letting people down whom I loved. I had made a commitment to others and to myself to keep my baby and be an amazing parent. When it came right down to it: I wasn’t ready to parent my baby, and I didn’t know how to go about placing my child up for adoption.
If you find yourself experiencing confusion regarding your decision about adoption, or if you find you are becoming more and more curious to learn about your options, please educate yourself. Know that there is an informational gap when it comes to adoption. There are so many stereotypes out there regarding adoption, birth parents, and adoptive parents. I have had an amazing experience as a birth mother, but not after facing many challenges. In fact, it took about two years of very determined healing before I began writing about healing. I couldn’t fathom healing from adoption at one point. I knew almost nothing about adoption and felt so many twisted relationships in my life pressuring me to keep my baby.
People are typically afraid of the unknown. There is a terrible, but in my opinion, truthful phrase: “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” You may be a struggling parent, like I was, and the fear of not knowing what adoption entails may keep you from making the right choice for you and your baby. Thankfully, I made the decision to be bold. I broke free from the chains that were bound to me in the form of fear and ignorance. I took it upon myself to become educated throughout every step of the adoption process. I went through adoption in 2011, and fast forward to today: I am learning there are more resources available today than were available seven years prior. Yet, there is still such an information and support gap for birth parents.
In my opinion, adoption is not for every struggling mother, but it should be an option for every woman who is facing the fear of an unplanned pregnancy or a difficult parenting experience. I believe that education should be more prevalent regarding adoption. It saddens me that there is so much talk of parenting versus abortion, yet so little talk of the viable option of adoption. Adoption is beautiful when we decide it is beautiful. Adoption is deplorable when we find it inappropriate. There is so much judgement in society. What if we applauded birth mothers and birth parents?
If you find you are considering adoption, there are some lines of thought I would like to suggest that you consider:
If I can get through the difficult decision of adoption, and live a path of healing, then it is possible for anyone going through the same challenges. I was not educated on adoption prior to making the choice, and was very isolated in my healing process. If you are reading this, then it is my hope you have a smoother ride in your adoption decision. Know that you are not alone, there are resources. Please educate yourself on your options, and remember: Healing is a choice. Healing is a journey. You can do it. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
There are thousands of sayings about waiting. It is “the hardest part.” But do remember that “good things come to those wait.” When you’re waiting to adopt a child, words of wisdom aren’t the only things you’ll need to help you keep your mind off the days ahead. Once you’ve completed all the paperwork, home visits, and interviews, it’s time to, well, wait. Try not to let the upcoming adoption consume you, though. Here are some things you may want to do to keep your mind off the waiting. Enjoy date nights – once you have a new child in your life, finding time to get out and do things with your spouse will be tricky. Take advantage of not needing a sitter now. Enjoy dinner out at a nice restaurant or take in a late movie. Focus on yourself – along with enjoying uninterrupted time with your spouse, spend some quality time with yourself. Read books, exercise, develop a hobby, relax. These activities will keep your mind off the waiting. Your new arrival will be the center of your world for years to come. Pamper yourself now so you’re rested and ready for your new family member. Prepare the child’s bedroom – when the adoption seems imminent, start getting your child’s room ready. Take stock of what you have, and makes plans to either purchase or borrow what you still need. Once you know the child’s age and/or sex, you can start shopping for fun things — cute clothes, stuffed animals, toys. Keep in mind that you may be the guest of honor at a baby shower, so don’t go overboard. Channel the urge to purchase into creating a gift registry. Choose a name – you don’t need to make a final decision until you meet your child, but definitely come up with a short list of name choices. Read parenting and adoption books – the list of books on these topics is endless. Ask family and friends for their recommendations, or check out a few from the local library. Get your affairs in order – update your health insurance, and create a will or edit an existing one. Explore your and/or your spouse’s “adoption leave” policy. Choose a pediatrician – depending on where you live, the choices can range from one doctor to 500 doctors. Ask friends and family for recommendations, and make appointments to visit the offices of your top choices. Do your research. Explore child care options, if necessary – like choosing a pediatrician, get recommendations from family and friends. Make appointments to visit all facilities in the running for the final selection. Keep a journal – not only will this be a loving keepsake for your child, but it may help keep your emotions in check. The waiting period is often overloaded with feelings of hope, fear, excitement, frustration and anxiety. Recording your thoughts on paper can often be freeing. It is easy to get frustrated during the wait for your child. Try to maintain a normal schedule, but allow yourself to get excited too. The waiting will not last forever, and your new journey will soon begin.
Sometimes you just need to shut your mind off. I know firsthand that being still and getting lost in music can be the most healing of experiences. I spend a lot of time and effort, and have in the past as well, focused on healing. It’s not easy, and it has required work and focus. However, when we don’t take time to let the work we have done take hold, we are chasing an experience we may never have. Music is healing.
Listening to music can take your mind to amazing places. There can be a natural high associated with getting lost in a soundtrack or a just a single song. Listening to music, and getting lost in it, gives us a healthy escape. And not only may we find ourselves escaping when we live through the music, but we may also find that our effort in healing has allowed us to come to a place where we can enjoy the music instead of listening to it only to express pain. The following is a guided music meditation. I have links to five songs with a little bit about how those songs make me feel. Take your time, get lost in the music. My hope is that you will find some joy in the experience I am laying out. Enjoy!
Whether you believe in a Christian God, a pagan god, or you don’t believe in any god at all, there is always inspiration to be taken from a song full of so much hope. Regardless of if you think of a person, a god, or a concept, this song will take you to a place of safety if you allow it to. What makes you feel safe and secure? Remember that every day is a new day!
Feeling like we take life too seriously can dampen our spirits. Laughter is good for the mind, body and soul. It’s a natural way that allows the body to release healthy chemicals that make us feel good. I am guilty of taking life way too seriously. I get tunnel vision sometimes on my goals and forget to enjoy the ride while I’m on it. This song reminds that sometimes I just need to let go and laugh until my belly hurts!
Self-care is crucial to our mental wellbeing. We need to make sure that we are taking care of ourselves before giving ourselves to others, because you can’t serve from an empty plate. I have given my energy away many times without refueling by taking care of myself too. This song is a great reminder to make sure that we take care of ourselves. It also makes me feel like I need to embrace every moment of life. Oh yeah, and hug somebody once a day!
There is nothing that can stop us from being happy if we put our minds to it. Happiness is a choice that we must make daily. There will always be obstacles and dark spots that we must get through, but it is up to us to overcome. This song makes me feel empowered to take on anything that is thrown at me. No matter what I am facing, with my faith and resolve, I can get through it.
I have experienced betrayal, and much of it when I chose adoption. However, there were a few people who stood by me, as well as my faith. This song reminds me that I’m not alone in my life. Love can conquer many things, if not all obstacles. The love we have for ourselves, our faith, and for others, especially our children, can fuel us in amazing ways. Be empowered by the love that you feel in your life!I am encouraged to know that this mini music guided meditation may be experienced and found helpful by someone else. I can tell that even if, as a birth mother, you feel alone in your healing, we can at least share this music experience together. You are not healing alone! ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
In last night’s episode of “This is Us,” adoptee Randall and his birth father William took a road trip to Memphis to learn more about William’s past. For Randall, it was an opportunity to see where his birth father grew up, meet birth relatives he had never met before and learn more about his history. The episode brought up many good ideas for adult adoptees looking to reconnect with their birth family history. But, what if an adoptee is a child or a birth family reunion is not possible? In this blog post, American Adoptions offers some tips for adoptive families and adoptees looking to learn more about their adoption story or reconnect with birth families, whatever the circumstances.
The term “open adoption” provokes different thoughts for different people. Until the mid-1970s, most adoptions were closed and private. It was quite rare for the birth parents to meet the adoptive parents, let alone get to know them on a personal level. Records were often sealed, and adopted children were rarely given access to information about themselves. But the secrecy that once defined adoption is no longer the norm. Domestic adoptions frequently involve contact between the adoptive parents and the birth parents, either through an agency or directly. For those not directly involved, open adoption can be confusing and worrisome. Let’s set the record straight on common myths about open adoption.
Truth: There is no research to support this myth, yet much research supports the opposite. Children can understand open adoption better because there are fewer secrets and severed ties. Children know who their adoptive parents are. They also understand the role their birth parents have played in their lives.
Truth: With the help of an adoption agency or lawyer, a clearly-defined agreement can be drafted before the child is born. All decisions are made in the best interest of the child, with specific roles for the birth parents and adoptive parents. Adoptive parents are legally responsible for all decisions regarding their child’s welfare.
Truth: For parents who entered open adoption with some trepidation, they begin to value the openness after some time has passed. Their worries are curtailed by the value of the experience, especially when a relationship is formed, all for the good of the child that both families care about deeply.
Truth: While this may happen from time to time, most solid relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. Again, an adoption agreement will help define roles, but these are not legally binding in most states. If the admiration and belief in each other are present, the relationship can be lasting.
Truth: If the adoptive parents and birth parents are working together to keep the child’s best interests in mind, there won’t be competition between the families. All decisions will be made for the child’s benefit. This doesn’t mean that conflict won’t arise. When it does, however, parents that communicate openly and honestly with each other will be able to work through the difficulties.
As of February 16, 2017, the Peruvian government has announced that the temporary suspension of adoptions announced in September 2016 is no longer in effect. The suspension of all domestic and international adoptions was announced pending an internal review of adoption procedures and cases over the past five years. The review stemmed in part from concerns related to post-adoption reporting compliance. While the suspension has since been lifted, delays continue to be reported. The Department of State continues to monitor the situation. For updated information, continue to monitor adoption.state.gov.
Valentine’s Day is here, and love is in the air. This is the day to tell everyone how much they mean to you! Now, admittedly, you should tell everyone how much they mean to you every day. But, Valentine’s Day at least helps us remember to take some time to share our love with others. Love can be shown many ways. While you are searching for the perfect card for your spouse, partner, parents, grandparents, children, and other loved ones, don’t forget about other people for whom a specific card may not exist. If you are part of an adoptive family, be sure to include birth families this Valentine season. Here are some ways to show them how much they are loved:
Make this a tradition, because everyone will love seeing their child’s handprints grow and change from year to year. This can be as simple as white paint on a red construction paper heart, or a clay handprint made at a local pottery store. It will be treasured.
If you have a photo of your child and their birth family, find a special frame for it. Better yet, buy a second frame for your child to keep in their room, with the same photo. This will help your child appreciate the bond you share with their birth parents. You could also send a framed school photo to the birth parents, with a promise to send a new photo each year.
Can’t find a frame you like? Buy a plain frame and have your child decorate it. Include a photo, and again, make a point of updating it every year.
Flowers are a go-to gift on Valentine’s Day. Make it personal by delivering them in a vase decorated by you and your child. Again, a local pottery studio is a great place to make a personal, hand-painted treasure. You could also decoupage photos of your child on a vase. One more idea — have your child decorate a white ceramic vase with Sharpie markers. Put the vase in a cold oven, heat it to 350 and cook for 30 minutes. This will keep the permanent markers, well, permanent.
It is absolutely precious to hear kids’ reasons for purchasing what they do for you. Ask them what they would like to buy for their birth parents. This doesn’t have to be extravagant. Give them a few dollars and see what they decide. Odds are, they will have heartfelt reasons for choosing what they do.
Ask your child to pick their favorite story, and buy a copy for their birth parents. Have your child draw a picture or write a note to them inside the cover. Next time you talk to their birth parents on the phone, maybe they can read it to your child. No matter what you do, take the time to acknowledge your birth parents’ ultimate gift of love for you — your child.
Adoption is hard work. With the paperwork, home studies, and waiting to be matched, it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It helps to have as much support as possible along the way. When you need a quick pick-me-up, inspirational quotes are a great way to lift your spirits. They can also help you remember that you’re not alone in this journey — you are part of a bigger community of adoptive parents who have all been through what you’re going through. Here are some adoption quotes you can keep handy for those tough days:
-Unknown
-Fi Newood
-Robert Brault
-Leigh Ann Tuohy (mother portrayed in The Blind Side)
-Doug Chapman
-Valerie Harper
-Joseph Campbell
-Oprah Winfrey
-Sheryl Crow
-Christina Romo
“In open adoption, in which the birth parents and adoptive parents communicate directly with each other, the relationships have an opportunity to grow and develop, but first you must make a commitment to be involved with each other. To be committed to being deeply connected to each other before we feel completely comfortable in the relationship is highly unusual, but it is not without parallels. For example, in time of war, men and women in a military unit entrust their lives to their comrades without first building individual relationships. Typically, they emerge from the experience feeling a deep bond despite differences in backgrounds or values. Even if they see each other only occasionally in subsequent years, there is a depth to their relationship that time and distance will not erase.” – From The Open Adoption Experience, Lois Melina and Sharon Roszia, 1993
While engaged in reading this book, The Open Adoption Experience, I came across an interesting passage correlating the experience of the bonding between a birth mother and adoptive parents to the relationship between comrades in the military. I found this quite interesting, and since my husband is a veteran, I decided to explore this paragraph with him. My husband, a veteran of the second Gulf War, explained to me that the military breaks individuals down to create cohesion within the unit. The individual walks into the military with a sense of individuality. Throughout basic training, this individual is taught that he or she is no better or no worse than any other individual in the camp. Essentially, individuality becomes irrelevant as members are re-trained to become a cohesive unit.
“You’re only as strong as your weakest link,” relayed my husband. I find this profound and relevant to every relationship. Take, for example, a marriage: when one partner is weak and the other must be strong, the strong partner brings the weak back up to a level of strength so that the entire relationship can become strong. Take, for example, the relationship between a mother and a child. When a child is throwing a temper tantrum, the mother must encourage the child to come out of such a tirade to bring peace back into that household or moment.
This idea takes us a step further to relate to the saying: “United we stand, divided we fall.” While basic training teaches the unit to behave and think as a cohesive mind, soldiers end up in different training camps learning different skillsets so that they can function as a team, where each difference serves a purpose, and each purpose unites to serve one mission. While the color of their skin, their political agendas, and their religious beliefs may vary, none of those things affect their ability to serve their country when they are obeying the commands that they are given. In times of war, men and women of all backgrounds come together on the battlefield, implement their training, and behave and think as a cohesive unit. While they may be skilled in different areas, their mission is the same, and it is that mission that binds them. It is about the cause they are fighting for, and not the differences among them. It is about respecting the unit, not about catering to the individual.
This is absolutely like the immediate need for a commitment between a potential birth mother and potential adoptive parents. While individuals come from different backgrounds, the mission is the same: to give that child a safe and healthy upbringing and life. The intentions that commence must be cohesive, and in times when the child needs all parents, they must behave as a cohesive unit to achieve their mission. Choosing adoption has many facets, and while there are resources available to help guide the process, there is no drill sergeant orchestrating the entire process. There is a mediator, perhaps an adoption agent, but the responsibility of maturity lies on the shoulders of the adult parties involved. I am referring to the potential birth mother and the potential adoptive parents. For any party considering adoption, I share this passage from The Open Adoption Experience and the experience of my husband as a veteran to relay the following: Open adoption is a long-term commitment that requires potential birth parents and potential adoptive parents to behave and think as a cohesive unit to achieve the ultimate mission: ensuring the wellbeing of the child. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
There was a time when adoption was a closely-guarded secret, known only to a few close family and friends. Today, it is just another way to begin a family, and a big cause for celebration! After months, possibly years, of mulling over the decision to adopt, it is only natural to want to scream it from the rooftops once you’ve finalized your plan. But how should you make that announcement? Today, pregnancy announcements are often carefully planned proclamations, often involving photographs and props. Adoption announcements should just as exciting. No matter how parenthood comes to you, it is a big deal. Share your news! Here are a few fun ways to announce your adoption:
