“This is Us” is one of the biggest hits to come out of this fall’s television lineup. But, did you know that it has close ties to adoption? Focusing on the everyday trials of one family, the show is told in multiple timelines, from the birth of the children to their lives at age 36. One of the children, Randall, is the adopted African-American son of two white parents — and one of three triplets, nonetheless. After hiring a private investigator, he reconnects with his long-lost birth father, revealing one family secret that changes his life. The show, which airs on NBC, is a fairly family-friendly way of normalizing adoption for all involved: birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees. Before the midseason finale airs tonight, catch up on the lessons the show has taught us about adoption here.
There are so many resources out there regarding healing, spirituality, and trauma recovery. There are great resources that are positive and beneficial, yet there are those that propagate a negative connotation of perpetual pain. Depending on the foundation of faith that you have, different resources will be helpful to some, while other resources will be helpful to others. What I have compiled here is a list of resources that are baby steps towards healing. These are some of the resources that I have utilized over the years that have made a significant impact on my life. Please feel free to check these out in any order you desire, at any point throughout your adoption process. I am prayerful that these resources will help guide you towards healing and wholeness.
Joyce Meyer was chronically sexually abused throughout her entire childhood by her father. She has overcome such trauma through her walk with the Lord. Her testimony is powerful, and her message is solid. She speaks of foundations in faith, and has messages for the new believer and the mature believer. Joyce has been the number one most pivotal resource for my healing. I began listening to her years ago, and she has been crucial in learning how to navigate through my journey of healing.
Spending time in worship is crucial for my path of healing. Bethel has given me the gift of peace on many occasions. In fact, this soundtrack is what I’m listening to as I write this mini resource guide.
Todd White has a powerful testimony of recovering as a drug addict through the love of Jesus Christ. He is an evangelical preacher who shares how much Christ loves us throughout the world. His messages are that of peace and love. He desires for us all to be healed and whole. This message spoke volumes to me throughout my healing process.
Michael Mirdad is an author. He is not a Christian, but his book: “You’re Not Going Crazy… You’re Just Waking Up”, is what helped me to realize that my heart breaking after adoption and being abandoned by those I loved was a part of breaking off ties that no longer served a positive impact on my life. You can purchase the book on Amazon.com.
There are many online resources and forums available as well. Make sure you filter out the resources that you find the most helpful, and the ones that are shallow and not helpful. Be careful to not get swept up in the pain that the world wants you to embrace, and remember that God wants you to embrace: peace. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
When Shelby Patrice Jenkins was a baby, her mother abandoned her at a caregiver’s house. She spent the next year and a half at the Crisis Center in Miami with many other foster children, all waiting for their forever families. Adopted at 19 months old, she would live with her adoptive parents for 10 years before finding out she was adopted. For the next years of her life, she kept her adoption a secret — afraid of how people would treat her if they knew the truth. But, today, she’s overcome that fear and is raising awareness about adoption as Miss Texas US International 2016 and the ambassador for Adoption is Beautiful, a national movement aiming to promote a positive conversation about adoption across the United States. “I wanted a platform that I can relate to and I can speak to kids that are in the foster system or are adopted,” she said. “After 16 years of my life, that’s when I decided to come out and say, ‘I’m adopted.’”
Partnering with Adoption Share, the organization behind Adoption is Beautiful, Jenkins is traveling the country to spread awareness about adoption. She has been attending conferences and workshops, making herself available as a resource to parents considering adoption as well as children in the foster care system or who have already been adopted. However, while she’s spreading a positive message about adoption today, it wasn’t an easy journey toward accepting her own adoption. When she found out about her adoption, Jenkins was hesitant to tell anyone about it because she was afraid people wouldn’t understand or would make fun of her. When she finally came out with the truth, she was petrified. Instead of jeers, however, she found a huge support system that she’s hoping to share with other adopted children. “People were actually telling me, ‘Shelby, wow. Your story is so powerful,’” she said, remembering hearing from other adopted people who had never told their story, some even women in their 30s and 40s. One woman had never even told her husband she was adopted. “I felt like I was the only one in America hiding that,” she said. “And I wasn’t.”
While she’s still coping with the emotions of her adoption — she’s working up the courage to contact her biological parents — she’s using her newfound appreciation of adoption to help the thousands of children in foster care across the country find adoptive parents. She said her adoptive parents, who have been supportive of her throughout her life in whatever passion she had, are thrilled about her choice to educate others about the realities of adoption. In addition to meeting with potential parents and children available for adoption, Jenkins worked closely with producers of the movie “Storks” to discuss and spread awareness about its adoption themes and has spoken about her platform to several media outlets. She was even on the cover of Adoption Today’s November issue. She’ll serve as the ambassador for Adoption is Beautiful until August 2017 and, after that, she plans to continue raising awareness about adoption through her personal brand. She and her team are hoping to start a perfume line (with proceeds going to adoption organizations) and bring an “adoption tour” to campuses across the country so she can share her story and, hopefully, increase foster care adoption rates. “It’s such a positive message to the community — showing how far I’ve gotten,” she said. “I do it because it’s my passion and because I really want these kids to get adopted. “I’m able to reach out to these kids and say, you know, ‘If I can do it, you can do it, too,’” she said. “The best is yet to come.” You can follow Shelby on Instagram and contact her at misstexasusintl2016@gmail.com.
I have dreamt for so long that I would do something significant with my life. Then, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby that ever existed. My son became the reason that I functioned. He became the reason that I took a breath. He became my “everything”. He stayed my “everything”, even after I put him up for adoption. I confessed this perception that I had in therapy rather recently, thinking that there was nothing unhealthy about it, and was told, “You cannot just live for your son. We need to transition you to live for yourself.” Such a statement came as a shock to me, but once it started to sink in, it began to make sense. I had made my entire world revolve around being a birth mother and had lost sight of the other roles that I play in my life.
I am a Christian. This means that I believe in Jesus Christ. By putting my son ahead of everything in my life, I was also putting him above my belief systems and my God. In Christianity, this is called “idolatry”. All of my work and actions were based on being a birth parent. In my faith, I believe that God comes first. People cannot come first because I cannot truly love myself and others without a strong and ever-faithful love for my Creator.
After realizing that there was truth in what my therapist said to me, I began considering the things that I truly wanted for myself. I realized that I have dreams and vision for my life that doesn’t focus only on being a birth mother. For example, I have been married for two years. That relationship has been put on the back burner at times when I have isolated myself to having my world revolve only around being a birth parent. My husband is incredibly patient with me when it comes to this aspect of my life, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to grow as a wife. People who know me well will tell you that I am the type of personality that always seeks to grow in maturity and understanding in every area of my life. I not only desire to grow as a birth mother in maturity and understanding, peace and acceptance, but also as a loving and mature wife in Christ.
I’m not saying that you have to believe in the God that I believe in. You don’t have to prescribe to the same faith that I do in order to understand the message that I am conveying. What I’m trying to share with you is that if your entire world revolves around one thing, and you don’t have balance in the other areas of your life, your life and potentially other relationships will suffer as a result of that. Expand your horizons and seek healing in order to achieve physical, emotional, and spiritual balance in your life. Take a look at the different areas in your life, and consider how much time and effort you dedicate to them. Make a commitment and take action to achieve a balance between the different aspects of your life. Balance will not be achieved overnight. This will take dedication, hard work, and patience, but it will be worth it as you begin to live a healthier life. I know you will be surprised at the doors of healing and opportunity that will open as such balance is sought after. Most of all make this commitment for you. As you learn to love yourself and find your balance, life will become much more fulfilling. We can go on this journey together, as I am now seeking a more balanced life as well. “Balance is not something you find. It’s something you create.” ~ Unknown Author ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
The first emotion I experienced after placement was grief. I was overwhelmed by what felt like the greatest loss I had ever experienced. In the moment after I watched my son’s parents drive away with him in the car, I fell to the floor, sobbing as if every tear I could ever cry had escaped in that moment. I felt as if I had lost myself. It felt as if someone had ripped a piece of my soul from my body. I was immediately grieving the loss of a relationship.
I suddenly became afraid of life. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me. Losing my identity and placing my son scared me in the sense that I didn’t know what to expect from life. Anything could happen at any moment, and at times, I was paralyzed with fear. I didn’t know if I could handle another loss and experienced paranoia that something bad would happen to one of my loved ones. I became encased in a cage of fear.
I was disowned by many family members, and I became insecure of everything I said and did for fear I would be betrayed by others I knew and loved. I questioned myself, doubted myself, and second-guessed myself. I had lost my identity, and when I didn’t know which way to turn, I would just stop moving. Insecurity overcame me, and every thought I had was scrutinized in the anxiety of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing according to someone else.
As the grief began to wane, I realized that I did lose something. I lost the role I had played as a mother. What I also realized was that I had gained the role of a birth mother. I began to accept my role change, and realize that not only was it for the best for my son, but that it was for the best for me. Beginning to accept my new role made the fear begin to fade away. Even though life is full of surprises, many of them are beautiful. Life’s twists and turns is what makes life worth living. I had to embrace that sentiment as I faced the reality of how blessed I really was to have been led to my son’s parents and the life he was going to have.
I started to feel secure again when I began to live my life again. I will never be the same person, but who I have evolved into is much more desirable to me than who I was before placement. Not only am I confident, but I hold no regret for my decision to place my son for adoption. I have gratitude and can stand firm on my foundation with the Lord that I carried out His will, which is what was and is what’s best for my son. Remember, feelings pass and are not permanent. Healing and sadness come in waves. You may feel great one day and depressed the next. Just don’t let your feelings dictate the rest of your life. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
I dealt with betrayal from unsupportive friends and family members. I lost my home, most of my family, many friends, and grew very weary due to the decision to place my child for adoption. The following tips helped me to cope with the losses. Some of these helped immediately, while others took time. Yet, the one thing that got me through was my faith. To lose your faith is to lose your hope, and to lose your hope is to lose your purpose. Your purpose is great because you are giving your child a gift that no one else is able to: a better life.
When I finally made up my mind to place my child for adoption, it was because I knew in my heart that it was right for my child. I knew, within a moment, that no matter what difficulties came my way, I would follow through with my decision. I knew it was going to mean many challenges in all of my relationships, but I just had a knowing within my soul that adoption was the right decision. Once I made my mind up, nothing was going to stop me from providing everything I could for my child.
My family members had an array of responses and reactions to the decision that I made for adoption. Since I had my son for six months, it had given them time to prove how involved they wanted to be. Of course, I was crushed when almost no one showed up to help me with my son. I found it ironic and incredibly painful that my decision to place him in a better environment was not supported. I was angry. They were angry. I believe, after spending much time on my path of healing, that their anger was a result of not understanding what I was going through and what I ultimately wanted for my son. They didn’t know any better.
The anger of my friends and family ate at me every moment of every day. I knew they disapproved. I knew I was going to be disowned. These were my worst fears in the adoption decision, and they came true. I lost almost everyone and everything. There were a few individuals who chose to support me, and they were ever so important to me. Yet, the support that they gave me wasn’t enough to make the pain of being abandoned disappear. I had to make a choice to forgive the friends and family members who betrayed me. Forgiveness is a choice.
I had to take care of myself first and foremost. I had to make myself practice hygiene and self-care. I’ll admit, self-care was the last thing on my mind. I was in survival mode. It would be untrue if I said that I knew how to handle the unsupportive relationships in my life in a healthy way. There was something that I did do though that I suggest anyone who deals with it do: be kind to oneself. I remember seeing visions of my grandfather while I was going through the lack of support of my family and friends. I envisioned him telling me that he loved me and that he knew I was doing the right thing. It may seem insignificant, but my grandfather had passed away before I gave birth to my son, and seeing and hearing him was incredible. It enabled me to self-soothe at times with deep breathing, calling the few supports I had, keeping active in my journal, and most importantly, these visions helped to keep me from giving up on my faith.
Most Important: Faith If these four suggestions and understandings are not enough, then most crucial is this: do not give up on your faith. Whatever you believe in, press into it. You can sort everything else out in time, but your faith is what will get you through. Keep your eyes upon the Lord, no matter whose anger and lack of support is trying to distract you from perhaps the most important decision of your life. And, of course, don’t give up. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
The first time I met with my son’s mother was very eye opening. I realized that a future for my son was possible. I became aware that dreams can come true. I had a vision for who I wanted my son to be with, and on that day, my wish came true.
I met my son’s mother on a Monday. The adoption agent had called her early that morning and told her that she had a baby that needed a family. I was intrigued when I heard that she was going to meet with me. My son’s father was working that first meeting and was unable to make it. So, my son’s mother drove four hours by herself through a snowstorm to meet with me. This woman was coming without her husband to meet with me – a woman she had never met nor spoken to – to discuss the possibility of becoming a mother. The fact that this woman, whom I had picked via a paper profile, decided she was willing to go as far as she had to in whatever conditions she had to become a mother spoke volumes to me. I was impressed before I had even met her. This kind of boldness, courage, and dedication was exactly what I was searching for. She was willing to go this far to become a mother, and I knew that she had the type of character that would do anything for her child. Before I even met my son’s mother, she had proven to me that she was willing to do anything as a mother.
I knew what type of parents and character I desired for my son to be with, and I wasn’t willing to make compromises. I had spent countless hours imagining what type of life my son could have, and I needed that to be a reality. It has always been more important to me to meet my son’s needs over meeting my own comfort. I knew adoption was the best choice, but I also knew that coming upon the right parents was the only way that he would get everything I wanted him to have and that I believed that he deserved. I was prepared to do whatever it took to make sure that my son had the best life he could possibly have. I believe this type of commitment is crucial for a mother who is considering adoption. Adoption is not about being comfortable and choosing the easy way out. Adoption is about making the hard choices, the right choices, and not being willing to compromise when it comes to the future of a child. It takes massive amounts of courage and immense measures of strength and resolve. Keeping this resolve through finalization is crucial in creating a successful adoption story. No matter how great the pain can be, a birth mother who is choosing adoption has to be dedicated to her mission. This brings me to, in my opinion, the most important tip in meeting with potential adoptive parents: be prepared. Once you meet with parents for the firsts time, you can be honest with them about what you want for your child, but the first step is knowing what that is.
Considering adoption as an option, for me, meant knowing that if the right parents didn’t come along, I would wait until I met them. If I had my son for months after choosing adoption, I would have done it. I believe that Divine Intervention is the reason that the first couple I met turned out to be the parents my son was always meant to have. I can only speak from my own experience, but I speculate that this is not always the case with everyone. Rely on your faith to guide you, but be prepared to ask the tough questions and speak the truth of what you need for your child.
Yes, it is important to be polite to people, but if honesty with someone trumps that, then go with honesty. Don’t hold anything back. Meeting adoptive parents isn’t about making a good impression, it’s about making an honest impression. Be transparent. Be honest. Think of meeting potential adoptive parents as being respectful. Mutual respect is a relationship value that begins with the first meeting. Respecting someone means being honest with them. If you are interested in the parents on the first meeting, but want to know something personal, like what their faith is, then don’t be afraid to ask. If you don’t ask the tough questions and mention the difficult topics, then you are not giving them a chance to be honest about what they need as well. This meeting is too important to be passive. This meeting is about potentially finding a life for your child. While you should always be respectful, you should make sure to be honest as well. Once this relationship of respect and honesty is established, it will be much easier to maintain throughout the course of the child’s life and throughout the openness agreement. It will be much easier to respect boundaries if respect is the foundation of the relationship.
For a birth mother meeting with adoptive parents, my tip is this: make sure you are resolved in your desires on the hard topics before having the first meeting. Perhaps you have more time to get to know potential adoptive parents than I did and the hard topics don’t have to all be discussed in the first few meetings. Yet, they shouldn’t be put off too long. Be honest from the start about the type of life you envision your child having and see if it parallels the life that the potential adoptive parents have in place and desire as well. Considering adoption is not easy, and in my opinion, respect and transparency is the best policy. Make sure you are being honest and everything else will fall into place as the process moves forward. If respect and transparency are established from the start, then as the years go by, you will find a fulfilling relationship with your child’s parents, and your child. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Actress Nicole Kidman is no stranger to adoption. While married to actor Tom Cruise, she adopted two children — Isabella, now 23, and Connor, 21. So it only makes sense that she drew upon some of her own experience to play an adoptive mother in her newest movie, “Lion.”The film tells the story of Saroo Brierley, an Indian child adopted by an Australian family who searches for his birth family 25 years later. Kidman plays Sue Brierley, Saroo’s adoptive mother. Although Brierley was able to have biological children, she chose to adopt Saroo and supported him when he wanted to find his biological parents. In her research for the role, Kidman met with Brierley and, as two adoptive parents, they formed “a spiritual bond,” she told People editorial director Jess Cagle. “We just felt very, very connected,” Kidman said. As an adoptive mother herself, Kidman had thought about the moments when her own children would want to meet their birth parents. Although she said she couldn’t speak for all adoptive parents, for her, it was something she prepared for since she first adopted her children. “It’s very much part of the whole relationship, so it needs to be addressed discussed,” she said. “I don’t know about other people’s lives, as parents of adopted children, the advice was, ‘If they want to find their birth parents, you support that.’“ “Lion” will ring true for many adoptive parents, especially those with international and transracial adoptions. Part of the story focuses on Saroo’s worry that he’ll upset his adoptive mother by seeking out his birth parents — that she’ll feel betrayed by his choice. But it’s important that adoptive parents understand this isn’t a reflection on their parenting skills; it’s a natural curiosity that some adopted children will want to follow through to the end. And it’s important that those parents support their child’s desires, which Brierley does in the movie. “She says, ‘I love you, and I so hope you find her, because she will see how beautiful you are,’” Kidman said. Watch Kidman’s full interview about “Lion” and its messages about adoption here. “Lion” opens in movie theaters on Nov. 25.
It’s probably fair to say that Nikki Pauls DeSimone is more knowledgeable about adoption than most adoptive families. She is, after all, a Licensed Master Social Worker who’s been working in adoption since 2004. She’s an adoptive parent as well; she and her husband adopted their daughter, Yiyi, from China in 2014. But when it comes to homeland tours, there’s still some confusion, even in the adoption professional community, about how to best make the journey. A homeland tour is a trip to an internationally adopted child’s home country. Understandably, it can be intimidating; it’s an emotional trek for everyone involved. Some families choose to go through an agency for a guided heritage tour, but the DeSimones chose to go on their own. They preferred to have the freedom to do their own thing, and, because Nikki is no adoption newbie, she knew she had to be very purposeful in setting their itinerary. Her family traveled back to China in the beginning of June 2016, and now she’s using her own experience to demystify homeland tours. For families considering doing the same for their adopted child — and Nikki does recommend that adoptive families take their children back to their home countries when possible — she shared a few tips at this month’s meeting of the Metropolitan Adoption Council of Greater Kansas City.
To read more about Nikki, Yiyi and their family’s trip back to China, you can visit Nikki’s blog.
Happy World Adoption Day! Each year, people around the globe celebrate and spread awareness about adoption and the incredible journey that birth families, adoptive families and adopted children take every day. This year, World Adoption Day is today, Nov. 15. Hank Fortener spearheaded the World Adoption Day movement. Adoption has been a part of his life since he was young; his family has adopted eight children from five different countries and fostered 36 children. In addition to his involvement in World Adoption Day, Fortener runs AdoptTogether.com, a crowdfunding website to help hopeful parents with adoption costs. Fortener started the World Adoption Day campaign to bring awareness to the millions of adoption stories that go untold and uncelebrated every other day of the year. “Together, we can create a family for every child,” he says. So, how can you get involved in this year’s World Adoption Day? It’s simple! 1. Draw a smiley face on your hands and post a picture with the hashtag #WorldAdoptionDay. Share your adoption story on all of your social media to help raise awareness of the beautiful families adoption creates.
TOMORROW! #WorldAdoptionDay Spread the word! #familyiseverything A video posted by World Adoption Day | Nov. 15th (@worldadoptionday) on Nov 14, 2016 at 9:21am PST
TOMORROW! #WorldAdoptionDay Spread the word! #familyiseverything
A video posted by World Adoption Day | Nov. 15th (@worldadoptionday) on Nov 14, 2016 at 9:21am PST
2. Donate to families who need financial help in their adoption at AdoptTogether.com. 3. Volunteer or become an ambassador and connect with organizations and events in your community to further raise awareness about adoption. To subscribe to the World Adoption Day newsletter and find out more about events near you, submit your information here. So, break out your sharpies today and tell your adoption story to the rest of the world!
