A new study from the University of Missouri has shown that in adoption, children and parents can both benefits from open communication. These findings, like many others, support the belief that adopted children have the best outcomes when adoptive parents and birth parents work together to communicate about adoption. By studying the narratives of adoptive parents, the researchers also noted that the relationship between birth parents and adoptive parents has a direct effect on the relationship between birth parents and children. “These themes are all about storytelling,” says MU Assistant Professor of Communication Haley Horstman, “but with the process, we saw that the adoptive parents are the gatekeepers to the relationship with the birth parent.” For adoptive families, this means that a healthy relationship with a birth mother can nurture a positive outlook on adoption for the child. The study was accepted for publication in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, and additional research will be presented at the National Communication Association Conference in November. Sources:
Every year in the United States, thousands of children are adopted domestically. While these children vary in age, race and background, they all share one very important characteristic: By being adopted, they are provided with opportunities and experiences to which they otherwise may have never been introduced. One of these children possessed an inherent talent that was awakened by his adoptive parents, taking him all the way to the 2006 Olympics in Torino, Italy.
In August 1977, a couple from a Chicago suburb, Al and Georga Parchem, always wanted to start a family but were having difficulties with infertility. Their journey to parenthood led them to adopting a baby boy, whom they named Aaron. His adoption was never kept secret from him nor his adopted sister. After all, they were biracial, and their parents were white. “It was never something that was hidden from me,” Aaron said. “I was an adopted kid. Even at 6 or 7 years old, it didn’t make a difference. What was always important to me was the love and attention I received from my parents.” Georga was integral in introducing her son to various activities, ranging from flag football, to gymnastics and even to tap dancing. Aaron’s interest in these activities usually only lasted for one or two seasons, but there was one that stuck with him – figure skating. “I would’ve never been in skating if it wasn’t for my mom, especially,” Aaron said. “She was so open to putting me in so many different things, allowing me to have all of these diverse experiences. I was hooked once I did my first ice show.” Skating was a big part of Aaron’s life throughout his teenage years, and he relied heavily on his parents to help him continue his young skating career. Before he could drive, it was his parents who had to wake up early in the morning to take him to the skating rink before school, wait for him to finish practice, drive him to school, and then repeat the same routine in the afternoon. The long hours of practicing kept Aaron and his parents busy; however, he never made it to national competition as a singles skater. Figure skating remained a hobby rather than a blossoming career. Aaron graduated high school and then traveled south on I-65 to attend Butler University in Indianapolis. “I spent two years at Butler with the intention of phasing out ice-skating and slowly getting into the real world. However, during my time there, there was a coach who got me interested in skating pairs. I caught the bug again and decided I wanted to really try to be my best at this so I made a major move to come to Detroit.”
The Detroit Skating Club is renowned for the number of figure skaters it has produced. Aaron Parchem would be its latest. Aaron first paired up with Stephanie Kalesavich, and they qualified for Junior Nationals within their first eight months of skating together. By the next year, they won the event. “It was great, but it also freaked me out because I never imagined things would happen so quickly,” Aaron said. Things didn’t slow down after that, as he teamed up with new partner, Marcy Hinzmann in 2004. Aaron and Marcy received third place in the 2005 U.S. Figure Skating Championships, which would have qualified them as alternates for the Olympics in an Olympic year. Indeed, it was an achievement, but Aaron and Marcy wanted a guaranteed spot in Torino. With another year of experience and training together, they hoped it would be enough to reach their ultimate goal. However, the unexpected happened during the 2005 season Marcy tore her ACL in her non-landing knee. After having surgery on her knee, Marcy had a four-month recovery time before she could put skates on again, and six months before she and Aaron could get back to training together. “We had five months to try our best to get ready to make one big push to get to the Olympics,” Aaron said. “Those were some of the best experiences and worst experiences in my life. Being so disappointed I couldn’t sleep and being so elated from a standing ovation two weeks later that to this day was the best moment in my skating career. We learned a lot in that six-month snippet of time, but ultimately it got us to be in a position to qualify for the Olympics.” The 2006 U.S. Figure Skating Championships were held in St. Louis. After Aaron and Marcy’s first program, they sat in second place with one more performance to go. They would end up beating the third-place team by less than half of a point, promising them a spot on the U.S. Olympic Figure Skating Team.
During the opening ceremonies of the 2006 Olympics in Torino, Aaron proudly walked through the coliseum with Marcy and the rest of the U.S. Olympians. Amongst all the cheers, a familiar voice stood out from all the rest – his mom’s. Among the thousands and thousands of spectators, Georga and Al had made it all the way down to the front rows to see their son in one of his proudest moments. Aaron was even able to snap a picture of his parents. By just being there in that moment, Aaron felt that he had already won. “Coming into the Olympics, we knew we didn’t have a shot at a medal,” Aaron said. “The achievement for us was qualifying for the Olympics. The whole Olympic experience to Marcy, myself and our families was to just enjoy the celebration and to be part of something that was vastly bigger than ourselves.” Aaron and Marcy ended up placing 13th. They had two good skates, which Aaron said he and Marcy will be proud of for the rest of their lives. This was would be the unofficial end to his competitive skating career. “Skating into your 20s and 30s is a difficult proposition. There is opportunity cost there, but to us it was worth it because we got to achieve and experience things that we would otherwise never have been able to do. I’ve been across the world in different countries and able to soak in different cultures. I’ve been able to compete against different people who I never would have otherwise met. To me the experience that we gained was worth the cost of sticking around and letting the rest of life slip by to a certain extent.”
Figure skating provided Aaron with some amazing experiences, but undoubtedly the best thing it led to was meeting his wife Zuzanna, a former Olympian herself from Poland. Zuzanna served as Aaron and Marcy’s choreographer and continues to coach at the Detroit Skating Club, where she and Aaron first met. They have a 2-year-old daughter together, Sofie, who has some big shoes, or skates, to fill. “Being a father is the best thing that’s happened to me in my life. I think back to my experiences growing up and I’m glad that I can pass the love that has been given to me. “We have hopes that our daughter excels in something, and whether that’s sports or school, I’ll be happy just to experience something new. If my baby girl wants to be a skater, we will wish her luck, but she will also have to understand that she has two very demanding parents,” Aaron jokes. Aaron often thinks back to those long hours at the ice rink where his mom or dad would be waiting for him to take him to school, the moment when he told them he had qualified for the Olympics, and at the opening ceremonies where he could hear their cheers among the thousands of others. “The support I received from my folks – emotionally, logistically, financially – none of this would have been possible, none of it, if it wasn’t for the support I got from them.” So, the question remains: Would Aaron Parchem have been an Olympic figure skater if he wasn’t adopted? No one will ever know. But he knows one thing: “Adoption changed my life. I don’t know if it was for the better or not, and that’s simply because this is the only life that I know. But what I can tell you, and what I truly believe, is that I’m lucky to be adopted. The opportunities that have been afforded to me, the love that has been given to me and the family I now have all stem from a decision that I couldn’t make – a decision I’m sure weighed heavily on my birth parents’ hearts. However, for my story, there was a happy ending.” This article originally appeared on AmericanAdoptions.com’s Blog and is reposted on ConsideringAdoption.com with their approval.
“I felt more love for my baby than I had ever experienced before. But I found that the more I loved him, the more I wanted to find out what would be best for him throughout his entire life. The things I wanted most for him (a stable family with a mother and father, a home to live in, a mother who could stay at home with him, financial security, etc.) were things I could not provide.So it was because I loved him so much that I chose adoption.” – Martina
When you decide what is best for your child, you don’t just do it once. You chose what is best for them throughout their whole lifetime. Sometimes that means making that decision through adoption. Adoption is always an option. Adoption is not for everyone. There are tons of supportive resources available especially for single or low-income parents. If you do not feel that adoption is right for you and your child, then please don’t do it. If your child is older but you just know in your heart that adoption is the best decision for both of you, then that is OK. It is a myth that you can’t place an older child for adoption. I personally didn’t place my son until he was six months old. While I had considered adoption during pregnancy, the reality of being a full-time, single mother did not hit until I actually had my son for a few months. I felt a lot of pressure to keep custody of my son from friends and family. I was told by quite a few people that they would help me out with him, and when the time came for them to step up, most of them were not there and the ones who were there were barely there. I felt completely alone as a parent. None of my friends had children, so they didn’t understand what it was like to be a parent. If adoption feels like it is the best answer in your heart, then trust your motherly instincts. I knew it was the best decision for both of us. I think it is probably easier to place a child for adoption before they are born and a birth mother bonds with them, but just because it’s harder doesn’t mean that it still isn’t the right thing to do. Healing can be a reality for a birth mother no matter how old her child is. There are plenty of potential adoptive parents in the world looking for a child and the right fit will not discriminate against age. Again, it is crucial to ask yourself the tough questions and I believe the hardest one that requires the most brutal level of honesty is this: What is truly best for my child? ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Recently, Bachelor alum Michelle Money appeared in a promotional video and talked about her experience of placing a baby for adoption. When she was just 15 years old, she made a decision that she says was “not an easy one but it was the right one.” For those who don’t watch The Bachelor, Money is a familiar face on the show – but this is the first time she has opened up publicly about her adoption journey. The story appeared in a video for skincare tool PMD and featured footage of teenaged Money holding her newborn son. “When the moment came to say goodbye and hand him over to the social worker, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” she says. Money is currently not in contact with her 19-year old son, but she hopes to reconnect with him someday in the future. She also has an 11-year old daughter named Brielle. Since opening up about her adoption story, Michelle has received largely positive feedback online. Her response to the supportive messages can be found on her Facebook page. Sources:
If you’re looking for books on adoption to add to your library, Heather Garrett’s My Tummy Mommy might be exactly what you are looking for. The children’s book was released last month and is available in stores and online. Garrett, a mother of four adopted children, wrote the book to offer a child-friendly perspective on what it means to have a mother, a father, and a birth mother. The main character is named after her own oldest son. In addition to her book, Garrett has also started an organization in Kentucky called Know Hope, which helps hopeful parents adopt a child. Learn more on the Know Hope Facebook page and see the book here. Sources:
At the Democratic National Convention, Jelani Freeman briefly took the stage to show his support for Hillary Clinton and talk about his experience in foster care as a child. The DNC came to a close on July 28 after speeches from a wide variety of individuals who offered their support to Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton. Freeman joined these speakers as a lawyer and former intern of Clinton. He also took the opportunity to address his time in the foster care system: “I spent my childhood in the New York foster care system, moving from home to home with a trash bag as my suitcase. But if you’re a kid in the system who never finds a permanent home, when you turn 18, you’re on your own.” Freeman worked in an intern position that Clinton reserved especially for former foster youth. During his speech, he also talked about the work he used to do advocating for children in foster care. Watch the full speech, which was posted to Foster Club. Sources:
Last week, Senators Amy Klobuchar and Roy Blunt introduced a bipartisan bill titled the Vulnerable Children and Families Act. If passed, the act would potentially increase the U.S. presence in international adoptions in the hopes of finding more homes for children abroad. Those in favor of the bill state that it will strengthen the role of the United States in adoption, make it easier for families to adopt, and provide homes for the world’s most vulnerable children. Opponents of the bill say that putting an emphasis on international adoption could potentially lead to more unethical behaviors in certain sending countries. They add that child welfare initiatives that keep biological families together would be more effective and better for children. Blunt and Klobuchar, who are co-chairs of the Congressional Coalition on Adoption, are hopeful about the bill’s success. “This bipartisan legislation will strengthen our relationships with nations across the world, while also making a difference in the lives of many families,” Klobuchar said. The legislation has been supported by multiple adoption entities, including the National Council for Adoption and the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Sources:
On July 7, the Maryland Court of Appeals issued a ruling that non-biological and non-adoptive parents who help raise children are eligible for full parental rights. This will likely have an impact on the way the courts view what makes a person a legal parent. The ruling was made after Maryland resident Michael Conover filed a lawsuit when he was denied visitation with his child. When Conover and his partner separated, two lower courts ruled that Conover had no rights to visit the two-year old because he was not an adoptive or biological parent. Now, the case has been sent back to the lower court, which will determine if visitation is in the best interest of the child. Conover has been fighting to see his son for around four years now, and the ruling of the appeals court has brought him one step closer. Sources:
Many people are familiar with the movie, “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas”, and I want to share my favorite line from it: “In Who-ville they say that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day!” – Dr. Seuss That is what happened to me when I became a mother. My heart didn’t start out small, but compared to what it became when I transitioned into motherhood, it felt like it was much smaller previous to that. My heart grew too big for my chest. I had so much love to give to this little infant. I poured myself into loving him until I didn’t have him anymore. So I was left with this giant hole in my heart and no idea how to express that love. This is part of the beauty of an open adoption: There are still ways to express that love depending on the level of openness that you may have with the parents of your child. I have had many opportunities to express love to my son throughout the course of his childhood with his parents. Most recently, I have put together a care package. I want to share with you some of the ways that I express love to my child:
The most important idea in communicating with my son and his parents is to show respect of lifestyle, boundaries, and their privacy. It was my decision to place my son with them, and I have massive amounts of respect for them. Creative expression isn’t just crucial for the birth mother; it’s a way to express love to a child. Children receive love in the way that we give it. Whether we color them a picture, talk to them on the phone, go see them, or send them a care package; it is all the same to a child. Of course, it isn’t the same as cuddling and hugging them every day, but that’s why I chose to put my son up for adoption, because I just couldn’t offer that to him. That doesn’t mean though that what I have to offer isn’t valuable. Accepting the reality of a situation is one thing, but then it becomes time to adapt to the situation. I encourage open adoption for anyone who desires to express love to their child throughout their upbringing. Open adoption has been the best decision that I have ever made, besides putting him with his family in the first place. – Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for American Adoptions. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Everyone has a story – a story of who they are, where they came from, and where they are heading. However, some people’s stories are easier to tell than others. For adopted children, their stories may be fragmented, either by a lack of information or a lack of understanding. Thus, in modern adoptions, their parents are tasked with helping them have as clear of a story as possible. Like countless others across the country, Tracey and Eric, parents of two adopted boys, found their solution of explaining their family’s adoption story through, of all places, a children’s book named “Wish” by Matthew Cordell.
You won’t find a more unique adoption story than Tracey and Eric’s adoption of their sons Owen and Steven. The prospective adoptive parents first became interested in adopting a child internationally from Ethiopia, but after four years of waiting for an opportunity, it became clear they’d have better luck adopting domestically. A national adoption agency, American Adoptions, immediately jumped out to the hopeful parents because of the agency’s reputation for low wait times. Tracey and Eric had no problem finding adoption opportunities with prospective birth mothers, but it took them five different matches before their adoption goals were realized. However, what an opportunity it ultimately became. Not only did the birth family give them a healthy son named Owen, and not only do the two families share a beautiful open adoption to this day, but the birth family even presented Tracey and Eric with a question so loving and so selfless, it left the couple speechless. “How would you feel about a biological sibling for Owen?” the birth family asked Tracey and Eric one night in their Minnesota home. “What they were saying was ‘How about we get pregnant and help complete your family,’” Tracey said. “Of course, that was like a dream come true for our family, one we never could have imagined. And so that’s how our second journey began.” Steven would soon enter the lives of Tracey, Eric and Owen, and became the final piece of their family’s unique story (at least, for now).
During this same time period in a Chicago suburb, Matthew Cordell was finding success as an author and illustrator of light-hearted, humorous children’s books. Unfortunately, he and his wife Julie were not finding similar success with becoming pregnant. After a few years of heartbreak, however, the two authors finally welcomed a girl and later a boy into their lives. Up to that point in his career, Cordell had focused on making both children and adults laugh through his stories and illustrations, but he and his wife’s unpredictable journey of becoming parents “seemed like a story that needed to be told in a picture book,” he said. “I started thinking about my story, my wife’s story, my daughter’s story, my son’s story, and it was a moment of triumph, but a lot of pain was woven into it,” Cordell said. “I also thought about how we felt so alone, and how publishing can connect people and give someone a voice to share something if they don’t quite know how to talk about it – especially one day with their child.” And thus, the concept for Wish was born. Wish tells the story of an elephant couple wishing, hoping, and planning for a child to enter their lives, and delicately hints at their struggles to become parents. Visually, the book is told through Cordell’s vibrant watercolors, encapsulated by the metaphor of an unborn child on a boat lost at sea, and his or her soon-to-be parents sending and receiving love across the ocean represented by rainbow confetti. The book concludes with the elephant couple on the beach, when suddenly it begins to storm, the waves begin to rise, and a boat with their child washes onto shore. The wisdom of Wish, and one of the many reasons a variety of families are embracing Cordell’s book, is in its simplicity. It is this simplicity, yet poignancy, that makes it applicable to families grown through adoption, surrogacy, infertility treatments, and even for families who didn’t struggle at all. The elephant parents are vague enough that they could even represent a same-sex couple’s journey toward parenthood. “I’m glad to hear that adopting moms and dads, and many other types of families, have found it and have connected it to their story so easily, because that was always important to me from the beginning,” Cordell said.
Tracey opened up their mailbox, and a close friend had mailed them an envelope. Inside it was a hardback copy of Wish. Tracey and Eric began reading Wish to their oldest son Owen and quickly realized how applicable it was to their story, and any family’s story. As Tracey reads it to her son, she can see the “wheels turning in his mind.” “Owen started asking questions about his birth story during that book,” Tracey said. “It just resonated with him, and it resonated with me as an adoptive mother.” Most adoption professionals agree it is better to discuss a child’s adoption story at a very young age to begin making it a normal part of his or her life. There are plenty of resources, including books, movies and television shows, to help facilitate this conversation, but these pieces of media are often too rigid and don’t always fit each child’s story. Wish, however, did just the opposite for Tracey, as she could mold it to precisely fit the unique ways in which their family was created. “I would add different things to the book because the words are so simplistic,” Tracey said. “Wish is so broad, and so flexible, that families could read it from day one, continue reading it, and continue to evolve the conversations about their family and their children’s birth families in such a positive way.” Read any of Wish’s dozens of 5-star Amazon reviews, and it’s clear that Tracey and Eric are just one of many families who are finding enormous rewards in just 184 words of text. And finally, with the success of his first venture into more serious subject matters, Cordell has decided to continue exploring the fun, challenging, and beautiful journey of parenthood, as he is currently working on a companion book for Wish. Please click the following to learn more about Matthew Cordell or to purchase Wish.
