It may be hard to think about — but in a closed adoption, there is the chance that your child may not want or be able to reconnect with you later on in life. When that happens, your dreams and expectations for a happy reunion could end in disappointment — and feeling as if you’ve lost a connection to your child not once, but twice, can be extremely painful to cope with. While there isn’t a cure for what you’re experiencing, here is some helpful information on why your child might not be ready to cultivate a new relationship with their birth parents and tips for how to handle their decision.
While there are many adoptees who have always dreamed about what it would be like to reunite and build a relationship with their birth families, the truth is that every adoptee’s situation is different. Sometimes, especially among older adults placed in the era of closed adoption, adoptees feel angry at their birth parents for choosing adoption or, in some cases, even abandoned and unwanted — especially if they have other biological siblings that weren’t placed for adoption. Oftentimes, these feelings come from outdated perceptions and misunderstandings of adoption; fortunately, most adoptees today share an open relationship with their birth parents from the beginning, and they are raised understanding the thought and love that went into their birth parents’ decision. However, older adoptees who haven’t had that openness do sometimes have complicated feelings about their adoption. An adoptee who feels hurt by their birth parent’s decision to place them for adoption may be reluctant to start any kind of relationship with them. Other adoptees have no such feelings toward their birth parents, but may still be anxious about what this new relationship could mean for their lives. It may raise feelings of loss, thinking about what could have been if they’d never been placed for adoption, or they may be worried they’ll find out information they might not have wanted to know. In some cases, they may fear that a relationship with their birth parents won’t work out or will end up being a disappointment when it doesn’t meet all of their expectations. In these situations, an adoptee may feel that it’s better to not start the relationship at all. The possibility of reuniting with you, their biological parents, can create a myriad of complicated feelings that they might not be ready to handle right now. If your child is not prepared to get to know you or they’re not open to a relationship, remember that it’s not because of you as a person — it’s because of what the adoption experience represents in their lives.
If you reach out to your child and they either don’t feel ready for a relationship with their birth family or they don’t respond to any of your messages, it can trigger feelings of loss, anger, grief, and abandonment. While it’s easy to get carried away when envisioning your reunion, doing so can make it worse when a reunion doesn’t end up the way you hoped. Every adoption situation, and every adoption reunion, is different. While there is a chance that your child will, at some point, be ready to start a relationship with you, it’s important to be prepared during your search.
In the event that your child does not want to start a relationship with you, here are some tips and advice on how to cope moving forward.
It’ll take time to process your grief and the loss of a relationship with your child. Of course, there is always the possibility that your child could change their mind and decide that they’re ready to embark on a relationship with you later on in their life — but that’s completely up to them when and if they’re open to it. Depending on the situation, they may need more time to process the idea of this new relationship. Always remember that, even if your search ends in disappointment, there are still plenty of people who love and cherish you in their lives.
Abundant life. No matter what that looks like for each of us, we want it. Not ordinary or mundane. Not a life that is limited or insufficient. We want good things for ourselves, for our family, for our friends. But how do we get it, and will we even notice once it’s ours? Our family prays for God to bless us with His good plans. We trust that He works all things out for a better purpose. Even when we have seen struggles in our life, we can look back and identify how what we perceived as bad or hard was transformed into times that strengthened and overwhelmed us with goodness.
How difficult is it though when we can’t see how it all works out or we feel our life is anything less than abundant? We have been actively pursuing adoption for over two years. Through home studies, background checks, fundraisers, endless paperwork, references, updated home studies, fees, and so much more, we have been on this roller coaster called adoption. Maybe a roller coaster is too mild of a description when referring to our adoption journey. It would be more honest of me to depict it as a Tough Mudder race! If you’ve ever heard of or seen a Tough Mudder in action, you may be nodding your head in agreement as you think about every obstacle, picture yourself wading knee-deep in a trench of mud, feel your chest tighten as you run uphill, and wonder when the finish line will come into view. When will our time come? I have asked this question many times in the last two and a half years. Even through being matched with a prospective birth mother and experiencing a failed adoption, we have stayed on this journey because we believe in abundance. Our faith has been tested just as our emotions have wavered. I have talked with many couples about how to begin the adoption process, just to watch them bring home a baby before we have. I answer constant questions about our adoption journey only to be met with more questions about why it’s taking so long. Some days I feel defeated in how I allow my thoughts and emotions to dictate my temporary happiness. What I have to remind myself is that happiness is temporary. It’s an emotion that comes and goes like the wind. How can I remove myself from a temporary feeling, good or bad, and trust that my life is still being held together?
What many adoptive parents in waiting experience is an uncomfortable, sometimes jealous, spirit when our arms long for a precious child and all our eyes see are the good fortunes of others around us. We see the baby shower invitations and the gender reveal parties. We only pay attention to the mom who is pushing her shopping cart with the baby’s car seat nestled securely on top. Exhaustion constricts our mind from every worry we allow in. What we focus on is what we do not have, the number of days we have been waiting (886 days), the anxiety we feel, and we forget to see hope. Isn’t that what adoption is all about? Doesn’t adoption itself personify hope in its truest form? In my personal journey, I cling to the Bible verse that reminds me of the greatest hope. In Hebrews 10:23 it says, “Let us hold tightly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” Hope for that abundant life.
I know that God wants to bless my family, wants my life to be abundant. But that truth doesn’t always mean abundance comes in the plans I laid for myself. No one’s do! I cannot see the big picture of how all the little details, the perceived bumps in the road, or the timing of when it all unfolds will come together to write a beautiful story. But I want to exude hope! I want my journey to be one so hopeful that my feelings of jealousy turn into anticipation, not only for me but for those around me yearning for the same sweet gift I desire. I pray my feelings of being unworthy are reinvented for the enthusiasm I have to share with others about our continuing adoption story. I know that my heart will be disheartened when hearing a potential birth mom decided to choose another family, but I want to rejoice that a sweet baby found a forever home. Don’t allow our joy to be stolen during our journey of adoption. Even when times seem difficult, let us be reminded that those are temporary in comparison to the hope that is to come. We could all use a little more hope.
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Jill is a 32-year-old wife and mom. She has been married to her husband, Brannon, for eight years and has 5-year-old and 1-year-old daughters. Jill and her husband are currently in the adoption process to bring another baby into their home. Jill lives in a small community in Kentucky. She has her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and Spanish and obtained her Master’s degree in Christian Ministries. Jill’s passions are her faith, her family, writing, playing sports, and eating good food.
The words “adoption disruption” strike fear into the heart of any hopeful parent pursuing adoption.
An adoption disruption occurs when an adoption placement falls apart. This takes several shapes. In domestic infant adoption, it could occur after a family has been selected by a prospective birth mother but before placement, or it could occur after a family has been placed with a baby. In foster care adoption, a child could be with a family for several months and then be removed from their home. International adoptions can experience disruptions after a family has been matched with a child but has not traveled to adopt the child yet. While rarer, an international adoption can also disrupt after a child has left their country of origin and returned to the U.S. with their adoptive family.
While the complex reasons for an adoption disruption are almost infinite in their possibilities, all disruptions share a common thread for the hopeful parents: heartbreak. This is an incredibly difficult thing to experience, made even more so by the fact that so few people can truly relate to what you are feeling.
As a friend of someone experiencing an adoption disruption, you may be at a loss for words. How can you provide encouragement and comfort in a meaningful way to a friend experiencing something so difficult and confusing?
By asking the question, you’re stepping in the right direction. Clearly, your heart is where it should be. You want to help. Action ultimately matters more than intention, but you’ve got to start somewhere. Armed with your good intentions, here are several ways you can be a true friend to someone who is going through an adoption disruption.
Start simple. Make yourself available to meet your friend’s needs, on their terms and in their time. We all respond to grief differently, but a lot of people need at least a little time alone. Don’t be so eager to be a superhero that you rush your friend through the time they need to process what is happening. There’s so much going through their heads right now. Start by letting them know you are there, and then give them the time and space to reach out to you.
Don’t assume you know what your friend needs from you. They may need a shoulder to cry on, or they might need a meal, because doing something as mundane as cooking after receiving news like this is just exhausting. Many acts with good intentions miss the mark. So instead of deciding what your friend needs, let them tell you and then act accordingly.
We all grieve in different ways. Now is not the time to offer any judgement of the way your friend is responding to their adoption disruption. Instead of speaking up about how they could respond better, just be a listening ear. Keep in mind that their journey is different from your own, and how you would respond is not necessarily going to be best for them.
Your friend may need time to be alone. But some couples have found that time alone leaves the mind to wander, resulting in a downward spiral of sadness. Getting out and getting their mind on something else can be helpful. In a way that demands nothing, offer things to do with your friend. Whether that’s grabbing lunch or going for a hike, some sort of activity that helps them take their mind of the disruption can be a welcome reprieve.
Our natural instinct is to be overly encouraging when faced with insurmountable discouraging situations. Right now, that may not be what your friend needs. With the utmost care, speak in a way that validates their loss. The pain they are feeling is legitimate. As a friend, you can let them know that it’s okay to sit in the sadness of it all. Sometimes, while not intended, encouragement can create a sense of obligation in the person being encouraged. They may feel that they need to live up to your words. Instead, simply be there to remind your friend that it’s okay to grieve. They’ll move from pain to healing when the time is right — don’t try to rush them.
If you know that the time is right and your friend would like to speak to a professional following an adoption disruption, we can help you connect them with a helpful adoption specialist. Don’t offer this too early or in a way that feels pushy. Once your friend has said to you that they are ready, you can contact us at any time.
October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Today, we’d like to offer information on ways to cope with an infant loss, tips for how you can support a loved one, and resources for all of your unanswered questions. Whether you’re a family member looking for ways to support your loved one, or a hopeful parent trying to find ways to cope, here are some things that you should know. Remember that we see you and your struggles — and that you are not alone.
There is no “proper” timeline when it comes to healing, and every experience will be different. If you’re grieving a sudden loss, understand that this will be a lifelong journey. In the meantime, we’ve offered a few ways to cope during this difficult time.
It’s hard to watch someone you care about in pain. Thankfully, if you’re a family member or a close friend, there are many small ways that you can help. Below are five tips for supporting someone you care about today:
Depending on where you or your loved one is at in the grieving process, you might be looking for some additional information. Below, we’ve compiled a list of resources for families going through the grieving process and loved ones who wish to help:
One of the best ways to participate in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day is through the International Wave of Light. To remember all babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS and newborn death, you can leave a candle burning for an hour starting at 7 p.m. in your respective time zone. Of course, you should only commemorate your loss in a way that feels right for you. There are other ways to honor and remember your loss that might be a better option for your family. If you’re ever looking for someone to talk to, you can always reach out to a kind grief counselor or therapist.
An elected official and adoption attorney in Maricopa County, Arizona, was arrested earlier this week on charges of adoption fraud, conspiracy and forgery. Paul Petersen was a licensed adoption lawyer in Arizona and Utah, and faces charges in both states. He also faces adoption fraud charges in Arkansas.
Petersen is alleged to have brought more than 40 financially struggling pregnant women to the U.S. from the Marshall Islands, and then paid them $10,000 in exchange for their babies. He would claim the women were local residents so that they could receive their medical services through the state’s Medicaid system — which, according to the Arizona Attorney General, cost state taxpayers more than $800,000.
Adoptive parents paid Petersen $25,000 upfront and then an additional $10,000 once the baby was born. The families allege that they were told the Marshallese women had received prenatal care (they did not) and that Petersen had not told them about any laws regarding the adoption of Marshallese babies.
Social workers finally caught wind of the human trafficking ring when one of the Marshallese women arrived at a Utah hospital to give birth. She had adoption paperwork from Petersen’s office, but when asked, she told the social worker that she didn’t know the names of the adoptive parents and that she was being paid for the adoption.
Alarmingly, the Honolulu Civil Beat released a report in 2018 stating that the Marshall Islands had the highest adoption rate per capita in the world in 1999. At one point, the Compact of Free Association even forbid people from the Marshall Islands from traveling to the U.S. just for adoption, and it was amended in 2003.
Petersen had a couple accomplices who have also been arrested. A member of the Arizona Republican Party, he was first elected to the Maricopa County Assessor’s Office in 2014 and was reelected in 2016. He’s a father of four, has been in the adoption business for almost fifteen years, and first began human trafficking via the Marshall Islands in 2005.
Paul Petersen was a licensed and active adoption attorney, and his clients assumed everything was above board. This is a frightening story for anyone in the adoption community.
With recent stories in the news that put the spotlight on trusted and legitimately licensed professionals who ultimately turn out to be engaging in the illegal and unethical “placement” of children, it’s fair to ask: Who can you trust? How do you know if your adoption is legal and ethical, or if the professional you’re working with is selling a human being?
Hopeful adoptive parents have a responsibility to birth parents and their children to carefully research their adoption professional. This will take some time and effort on your part, but it’s important. Here are some tips to help you when you’re looking for an adoption professional:
It was thanks to the instincts of social workers and hospital staff that Petersen was caught, so remember that if something feels “off” when you’re talking to a potential adoption professional, you should listen to that gut feeling.
For adoptees and birth parents who once had little to no leads about their family of origin or the child they placed, DNA kits have become the answer they’ve been looking for. Kits from services like Ancestry.com and 23andMe have made it easier than ever to learn about your origins and biological relatives, so it’s not surprising to see how this new technology has taken off in recent years — especially when it comes to adoption. But with the advancement of this type of technology, there are some important questions to ask yourself before delving into DNA testing, along with some etiquette that’s important to follow when you do finally find your birth family.
If you’re searching for your family of origin, that almost always means that it’s because of closed adoption. In some cases, a birth parent may decide that a closed adoption is the best way to heal and move forward after the adoption and will choose to stay anonymous. The decision to place a child for adoption is already painful, selfless and life‐changing and a relationship could be something that they’re not looking for. Likewise, an adoptee could be reluctant to start a relationship with their birth family, and may not be ready for what the introduction of this new relationship could mean for the life they already have. At this point, it’s not just about forging a new connection with your birth family, but about consent and privacy. One of the biggest shortcomings with DNA testing is that the person you’re looking for may consider it an invasion of their privacy and wish to remain anonymous. Although you may be hopeful that the person you’re seeking and their family will be just as open to the idea of a reunion as you are, if they chose a closed adoption, they may not react so well to being contacted. Even so — there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to looking for your family of origin through DNA testing, as it really depends on your unique circumstances.
If DNA testing is the best path for you and you’re ready to find your biological family, here are some tips and etiquette to remember when reaching out:
Your first conversation may not go as planned. While you may be excited to get to know someone that you’ve been envisioning for so many years, for them it can come as quite a shock to find out who their birth parent or the child they place for adoption is. Like any new relationship, remember to ease into the situation and take things at their pace.Although you should always hope that your first conversation with your birth family will go positively, they may not react to being contacted like you would hope. During the search and reunion process, it can be easy to daydream about what your first meeting will be like. But, the truth is that any reunion could end in disappointment, so be prepared for some setbacks. Being realistic about this process can help alleviate some of these feelings if they do occur. Even so — that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try or that you should give up your reunion search.
Your family and friends care about you, so don’t be afraid to lean on them for help during this difficult time. Searching for your birth parents or adopted child is going to uncover a lot of feelings that you may be processing for the first time — and it can difficult to cope under the weight of your expectations. In addition to family and friends, consider reaching out to those that have already used DNA testing to learn more about commons dos and don’ts.
Even after you connect with your birth family, you might not be ready to have a full relationship right away. You might have to stick to emails, texting, or phone calls at first until you’re ready to meet face‐to‐face.
If you do manage to establish contact with your birth family, there’s no doubt that it will be a life‐changing experience. Finding that missing piece of your family puzzle after many years of searching is one of the best feelings that you can experience. If you’re not sure what to do after you’ve managed to establish contact, take time to learn more about building a relationship with your birth family or adopted child. You can also reach out on adoption forums where other adoptees and birth parents talk about their experiences with DNA testing and reunion. Remember, once you’ve received the information from your DNA test, you can take as much time as you need to prepare for the next steps.
Taken at Birth is a new six-part special on TLC that investigates the illegal adoptions of more than 200 infants from the ‘40s to ‘60s. The man who illegally placed these children, Dr. Thomas J. Hicks, was beloved by the residents in his small community of McCaysville, Georgia, but was also known as the man to discreetly see if you were in ‘trouble.’
For decades, he performed illegal abortions and quietly placed “unwanted” infants with waiting families, leaving no records. One woman, Jane Blasio, was adopted through the Hicks Clinic and went there searching for birth family, but instead uncovered the illegal practice long after Dr. Hicks’ death.
This is a frightening thought for anyone, but especially for those who have been touched by adoption. How can we prevent unethical and illegal adoptions like this from ever happening again?
Learning about events like The Sixties Scoop or the Hicks Babies is crucial for the prevention of future unethical adoptions. Adoption was not always as carefully regulated or discussed as it is today, and it led to lifelong, often painful consequences for those involved — especially the adoptees.
In the era when Dr. Hicks was routinely relocating babies, unintended pregnancy was viewed as shameful and secretive. Women who were pregnant and unwed would be outcasts if they were to raise their babies on their own, especially in small communities like McCaysville. Couples who were unable to conceive experienced shame from a society that viewed adoption as less-than, and as something that should be kept a secret, even from the child. This culture of shame forced birth and adoptive parents into desperation, which people like Dr. Hicks could easily take advantage of.
Birth and adoptive families who went to Hicks had no court hearings or records of the adoption. He filed amended birth certificates, and nothing else. Today, this means that the adoptees that passed through the Hicks Clinic doors have no information about their birth families, medical histories, or anything to help with their searches.
Since the decades of Dr. Hicks’ illegal adoption practices, important cultural attitudes have shifted —we continue to move toward more open adoptions, greater acceptance of single parenthood, emphasizing the importance of honesty and transparency in adoption (even when the adoptee is “too young” to understand), working to better understand the experiences of transracial and international adoptees and more. Despite these positive shifts, we all still have a long way to go and a lot to learn.
And although future adoptees can benefit from these new approaches to adoption, adoptees like those affected by Dr. Hicks’ actions are still struggling to learn basic information about their personal histories.
Measures like The Hague Convention, ICPC, state-mandated adoption consent laws and even everyday home studies are all there to make sure that children are being placed into safe and loving homes by their fully-informed and consenting birth parents. Licensed adoption professionals are carefully regulated by states. All of the paperwork involved in the adoption process may seem like a pain to hopeful parents, but examples like Dr. Hicks are the reason why these measures are in place.
How can you prevent unlicensed, illegal and unethical placements like the Hicks Clinic adoptions from occurring? Make sure that you’re working with a properly licensed and regulated adoption agency rather than trying to find an adoption opportunity on your own, or with a poorly-regulated professional. If something feels wrong, or corners are being cut to save money or time, then something could be wrong.
Taken at Birth airs on TLC October 9–11 from 9–11 p.m. ET/PT.
There’s never been a better time to learn about adoption.
The amount of resources available online exceeds anything we’ve ever seen before. You have to take this with a grain of salt, because there are some websites and adoption professionals that will mislead you. Search with a discerning eye. Still, the overall benefit of this much adoption information outweighs the potentially negative effects of false information.
Because of this widespread availability of adoption content, our culture has never had a better understanding of adoption. If you are interested in adoption as a prospective birth mother or hopeful adoptive parents, you can learn quite a bit with a few hours on the internet. One of the most popular sites for curious searchers is YouTube.
There are tutorials, how-to videos, lectures, seminars and stories about adoption on YouTube. If you’re a visual learner, there’s probably not a better place on the internet to look for adoption information. But, like we mentioned, not all information is trustworthy. Misinformation is rampant on YouTube. More than 400 hours of video content is uploaded to the site every minute. How can you parse through this ocean of videos to find the best information about adoption?
We’re here to help. We put in the legwork to find the most trustworthy YouTube channels about adoption. Here are 10 YouTube channels about adoption that you should check out and subscribe to.
These YouTube channels are a great place to find information about adoption. If you are curious about how the process works, adoption requirements, the cost of adoption or how to find an adoption opportunity, check these out.
Sometimes we just need to see a good story. These channels follow adoptive families as they record their journeys. Check out any of these channels to get all up in your feels.
The birth mother experience in the adoption process has been, until recently, hidden in the shadows. But today, many proud birth mothers share their experience in the adoption process. These are brave women who made courageous decisions. If you are a prospective birth mother looking for inspiration, start with these YouTube channels.
Children who come home through adoption live a unique and powerful story. Some decide to tell that story to the world. If you are an adoptee searching for answers and solidarity, here are a few high-quality YouTube channels to look at.
The internet can be a great place to learn about adoption. They are many amazing resources out there. With these 10 adoption YouTube channels, you’ve got a good place to start.
Happy Gotcha Day!
How do you feel right now, after reading those words? Reactions vary wildly across the adoption community. For some, the language is highly problematic. For others, the entire concept is an issue. Still others have only good feelings about “gotcha day” and celebrate it annually with their children.
The debate is contentious, and it can get heated. That’s surprising for some to hear. If you are new to adoption, you may be thinking, what’s the big deal?
We’re going to respectfully examine the many positions within the adoption community on gotcha day. The goal here is not to ignite a fiery debate, but rather to better understand the positions others hold and why each stance has valid reasons to support it.
While we will attempt to be entirely inclusive, it’s a sure thing that we will leave out someone’s view of gotcha day. If so, we would love to hear what you think about it in the comments below.
Without putting it off any longer, let’s dive in to this sensitive subject.
Let’s quickly define the term for anyone who may be learning about adoption for the first time. Gotcha day is a celebration of the day a family adopted a child. Some families decide to mark this anniversary on the day of placement; others celebrate on the day the adoption was finalized in court.
The name of this day and even the existence of the celebration has become a point of controversy for several different reasons. Let’s look at the most common positions.
Many believe that celebrating an adoption day is fine, but calling it “gotcha day” is problematic.
The language we use when we discuss adoption must be sensitive and respectful. We’re talking about a family, birth mother and child. We have to choose our words carefully to ensure we respect the full dignity and autonomy of everyone involved in the process.
Language that commodifies the adoption process is a problem. Adoption is not buying children. Children are not the product. Their inherent worth is much more than that. It is the opinion of many that “gotcha” is commodifying language. It takes personal autonomy away from the child, representing them as a good that was acquired.
People who take this position, generally, have no qualms with celebrating the day of adoption. The problem is with the way that day is represented through our words. Rather than “gotcha day,” it would be better known simply as the “adoption day” or “family day.” These titles, according to those who hold this position, still celebrate the day and do a better job of honoring the child.
Author Mirah Riben, who has written several books critiquing adoption and is a regular contributor to sites like HuffPost, has this to say about gotcha day:
“The most basic aspect of it — its name — is also the disturbing aspect of it… There is also the fact that G-Day, like re-homing, has its origins in the pet rescue lexicon because it implies caught or trapped. Is this really what we want to model?”
Riben argues that along with the problems with the name, celebrating gotcha day ignores the other side of the story — the side in which a child “lost everything” connected to their family of origin.
Many people hold the view that it’s inappropriate to celebrate adoption day at all. If Riben’s argument feels harsh to you, consider this from Sophie, who was born in China and adopted by an American family when she was 5 years old:
“It’s been said that adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where everyone expects the victims be grateful and appreciative… Gotcha day feels like a day of fake smiles if we don’t acknowledge that it’s also about loss, not just gain.”
Separation from biological family, even when it is because of inclusion in a loving adoptive family, is still a form of loss that should be recognized. The primary argument from those who oppose celebrating adoption days is that the celebration glosses over the loss. Or, even worse, that the celebration intentionally denies that loss.
There are many valid retorts to the idea that an adoption day is a tragedy to child. Adoption can provide a loving, secure home and a lifetime of opportunity. However, to be sure, adoption does involve loss at some level. The felt impact of this is different with each person. This can lead to confusing questions about heritage and identity as a child grows up. It is important to acknowledge this — to allow space for both joy and loss when considering adoption day.
Nevertheless, the feeling that any celebration of adoption day is wrong is a belief held within the wider community of adoptive families and adoptees. The underlying impulse is to protect and respect the unique and sometimes difficult journeys of children who come home through adoption.
On the far end of the spectrum are those who celebrate gotcha day regularly and see no problem with the event or name. This position isn’t careless, nor does it neglect the concerns represented above. Instead, it finds a respectful way to celebrate the beauty of adoption.
“We use the day to talk about adoption in whatever way our kids want to talk about it, although adoption is a frequent topic of conversation at our house just about any time,” writes one adoptive mother. “Sometimes, we look at pictures of our two trips to China or look at their adoption videos we made. Sometimes, my kids ask questions about their birth parents or their caregivers before us.”
Here we see an example of celebrating adoption day (or gotcha day) that honors what came before that day in a child’s life. There’s clear respect here for both the family of origin and the children’s desire to understand their biological heritage. At the same time, there’s a celebration of adoption and a basic assertion that the day of adoption is a positive day in a child’s life.
Every person is inherently, and without qualification, deserving of respect. This has a twofold implication for discussing gotcha day.
First, be respectful in the discussion. No matter which position you hold, allow for difference of opinion on this sensitive topic.
Second, make sure that your position creates respect for the adoptive parents, birth parents and child. Adoption is a hard process. Each member of the adoption triad is living a unique story. Each has their own struggles and challenges. Everyone deserves to be respected and have their full human dignity recognized. Consider whether or not this is accomplished by your position on gotcha day.
If you have more thoughts on the topic, we would love to hear in the comments below.
After a shocking, world-building Season 4 premiere last week, “This is Us” focused back on the characters we’ve all grown to know and love in the second episode of the season. Each was adjusting to their new reality established at the end of the last season — especially Randall, Beth and their girls, as they settled into their new home in Philadelphia. *Spoilers ahead!* For Deja, the adjustment came with a new desire to ride the city bus to high school every morning and back every afternoon. Randall, a transracial adoptee raised in the suburbs of Philadelphia, simply couldn’t comprehend why his daughter would choose the slow, dirty bus over a ride from him or Beth. As the episode unfolded, we discovered exactly why — and realized the impacts of foster care adoption last far beyond the adoption itself.
Back in season two, Randall and Beth chose to foster a young Deja. By the end of the season, they had officially adopted her. It’s been a while since the show has directly addressed Deja’s foster care adoption, but the occurrences in last night’s episode show us that, whether it’s seen or not, adoption continues to impact the adoptee and their family long after the legal aspects of the journey are completed — something that Randall, clearly, hasn’t thought about for a while. When Deja requests to ride the bus back and forth to school, an incredulous Randall decides to “test-ride” the route to see if it’s appropriate for his daughter. After Deja tells him to sit away from her for the most accurate recreation, Randall watches a man sit next to Deja, talking to her and harassing her. Worried, he intervenes and sits back alongside Deja. She reassures him she can take care of herself, and he asks her why she is so adamant about the bus anyway. “You moved us here. You wanted us to live in Philadelphia, so let me live in Philadelphia,” she tells him. “I had a whole life before I met you. We grew up real different, Randall. Something that makes you real uncomfortable reminds me of where I’m from.” Deja wants to ride the bus because it’s what she’s used to doing — no matter what her new life with the Pearsons is like.
Here is the crux of the issue: A child adopted from foster care is not a “clean slate.” There is no “reset” button that occurs once the adoption is finalized. As much as some adoptive parents may hope to give a child a better life and help them forget the less-than-ideal situations they come from, they can’t. Those situations shape a foster child’s life and who they are and will become. Therefore, as Randall figures out, it’s important to respect a foster care adoptee’s background — not try to “change” them. Deja may have a different background than Randall, but that doesn’t mean it’s inherently bad. It’s just different. Randall eventually realizes how important riding the bus is to Deja — how it helps her feel more “at home” in a newly changed environment. After all, moving is a big deal to any child but, to a foster child who has moved homes and families throughout their childhood, moving can bring up a lot of emotions and stressors. While adoptive parents want to do what they think is best for their child, they should stop and ask themselves: Will this make my child more comfortable, or is this just serving to make me more comfortable? Anyone who adopts from foster care must honor and respect a child’s background. It makes them who they are, no matter how difficult or traumatic their childhood might have been. Whether it’s talking about infant adoption or foster care adoption, “This is Us” does a stellar job at addressing the long-term effects of adoption. Both Deja and Randall have to cope with latent emotions and memories long after their adoptions are complete. Adoption truly is a lifelong journey. For more information about fostering a child or adopting from foster care, please contact your local Department of Social Services.
