There are several reasons international adoption numbers continue to drop. Key among these is the ever-more-restrictive legislation from other nations, making it much harder for American would-be parents to bring internationally adopted children back home.
But, the struggle of international adoption doesn’t end there. In addition to the challenges every adoptee faces, those who come to the U.S. feel a unique sense of “otherness” as international adoptees. Despite their naturalization and the fact that they have grown up in this country, many international adoptees never feel like they fit in, due to their appearance, first language or religion.
A recent New York Times piece highlights this. After President Trump told four U.S. Congresswomen to “go back” to where they came from, the Times gathered more than 16,000 stories of similar occurrences among everyday citizens. Several of them came from international adoptees.
It’s no secret that these kinds of racist comments affect every victim, but they can be uniquely hurtful to adoptive parents and internationally adopted children. As mentioned, international adoption is not easy; adoptive parents have to go through a lot to bring home a child from another country. Their children must pass certain visa requirements before becoming U.S. citizens upon their adoption finalization.
For international adoptees to “go back where they came from,” they would need to leave the only family they’ve ever known. They would return back to a country where they don’t speak the language and don’t share the culture — it was simply the place they were born. And the comments are more striking when we take into account that several international adoptees have been deported over the last few years, at absolutely no fault of their own. Threats of “going back” to their native countries are more than just racist remarks to international adoptees; they are very valid fears.
At ConsideringAdoption.com, we are dedicated to standing up for equality and adoptees’ rights, which is why we’re sharing those stories with you below. To read all 67 stories from the Times, check out the full article here.
“I am the U.S.-born white parent of a child adopted from Vietnam. He is a naturalized U.S. citizen.
In early February 2017, just a few weeks after the ‘Muslim ban’ went into effect, someone put a sign on our front lawn. It was a Trump/Pence sign from the 2016 election. The side facing our front door had been papered over with “Ban Them All” written on it.
It was devastating. It took my breath away to see such hatred directed at a child, to know the intent was for my sixth grader to see that message when he opened the door to go to school.
We called our town’s police, but we had to make follow-up calls to try to convince them to classify it as a hate crime. I posted a picture of the sign on a local Facebook page, and this spurred an outpouring of support.
Two days later, our lawn was decorated with dozens of signs saying things like ‘You belong here’ and ‘We’re glad you’re here.’ I believe love will always trump hate, but two years later, my family is still reeling from this hateful act.
— Bonnie Gardner, Vienna, Va.”
“I was adopted from Quito, Ecuador, when I was 4 months old. I became a citizen along with my adoption and am now 26 years old.
I was once vacationing in Maine with my Irish-American family and we were in a rural area, helping a family friend move. As we were leaving dinner and I was walking to the car ahead of my parents, a man shouted out of a car window, ‘Go back to where you came from you stupid [expletive]!’
I was only 13 and it was my first experience with the uncomfortable realization that although we live in a country known for being a melting pot, I was different. I was in a state of shock and it made me feel embarrassed, naked, attacked.
What is so crazy about the statement ‘Go back to where you came from’ is that I identify with being from the United States and Boston. This is my home. If I were to ‘go back’ to Ecuador, I have absolutely no knowledge of the language or culture.
— Isabel Flynn, Boston”
“I am an American citizen. My parents are white, and they adopted me from South Korea. As a child, I was often told to ‘go back to [random incorrect Asian country].’
As an international adoptee, I did not choose to come here, and with my family being white, I already felt like the odd duck.
The schoolyard taunts still haunt me. What’s worse is that most of my family played it down to ‘misunderstanding,’ and that all the bullies needed was education. My bullies didn’t care about the truth. They wanted me ostracized and saw me as an outsider because of my race.
— Rachel Jones, Montgomery, Ala.”
“I was adopted from Russia at a young age. Once, I took the Greyhound bus and Border Patrol came through.
They asked me where I was born.
I said Russia.
They asked me to get off the bus.
Everything was taken care of and I was able to go back on, and then I had someone comfort me. But I also had someone tell me to go back to my ‘communist land.’
I get this a lot since I’m more left leaning. I get told that I’m just trying to bring the Soviet Union here. When people talk about immigration, they think because I’m white passing (I’m actually Eastern European and Middle Eastern) that I empathize with them.
I feel hurt all the time. I want to love America, but it continually makes me sad that we are so willing to attack those who come for better lives. I feel like a stranger in this country. I feel trapped here.
— Allison Smith, Walla Walla, Wash.”
We’ve also gathered a few more stories from the comments section of the published article:
“My first distinct ‘Go Back’ experience came at age 29, and it was from my parents. I’m a Korean adoptee, and my parents were Trump supporters/apologists in 2016. I was 29, visiting my parents’ house in suburban Michigan for the first time after the election. We were discussing current events, and my mom made a comment about me getting deported and the rest of my family laughed along. I was shocked, but they didn’t seem to notice. I explained that it wasn’t a joke, that families were being separated in my town, Ann Arbor. My parents shrugged it off, saying it wouldn’t happen to me because ‘you have papers.’ It wasn’t a blatant attack from a stranger, but coming from my family, in our home, it felt like an uprooting.
— Noa Kim, Ann Arbor, Mi.”
“The adoption stories ring so true for me. Shortly after our son joined our family through international adoption, a neighbor boy spotted him in the front yard and screamed, ‘Go back where you came from!’ The kicker: The boy’s dad is a lawyer who specializes in immigration. Our son really didn’t understand the words, being new to the United States, but he certainly understood the tone of voice. The neighbor boy, now grown, has long since moved away. The dad, however, still lives there, and we step very carefully when in his presence.
-B., Southeast United States”
Whether you are an international adoptee, an adoptive parent, or a person of color in the United States, knowing how to respond to these comments is half the battle.
That said, if you ever feel as if your physical safety is at risk, do not engage with the commenter. It can be hard to ignore these kinds of comments and it can feel like you’re giving up by not responding, but your personal well-being must always come first. Do not be afraid to call the police if you believe you are in physical danger.
That said, if you feel comfortable doing so, you might want to respond to these comments in a calm and confident way. While your response will likely not change the attacker’s mind, it can help you feel better about yourself — or, if you are an adoptive parent, show your child that you are proud to stand up for them and that racism won’t be tolerated. Parents only want the best for their children, and growing up in a racist society certainly isn’t part of that.
There are a few ways you can respond:
When people say racist things, they want to get a rise out of their victim. This tends to reinforce whatever beliefs they have about that ethnicity or race. They want to make a victim feel embarrassed and vulnerable.
The best thing you can do is respond calmly. Don’t show them that their comment has gotten to you. Express your disapproval clearly — “That’s a racist remark, and I don’t appreciate it” — and refuse to engage. Research has found that speaking up in the wake of a racist comment is more beneficial than staying quiet; it gives the victim a sense of confidence and challenges the attacker’s belief that their view is the norm.
A racist is emboldened by the belief that they are right in their views and that others share the same thoughts. By openly questioning those views, bystanders and victims can create doubt.
Sometimes, something as simple as, “Why did you say that?” or “Why did you do that?” is enough to confront a racist. People who make these comments expect them to be supported by those around them; when you question them or pressure them to explain themselves, they may rethink their position or stop their attack entirely.
You can also challenge their beliefs with the truth. If you or a family member is told to “go back” to their place of origin, explain they are American citizens, and have just as much right to be in this country as the attacker. If a person of color born in the U.S. is a victim of this comment, it may be enough to state exactly where they were born — for example, “Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.”
By confidently challenging what an attacker believes, you put them on the spot to explain their actions. And that’s not what they expected when they began their tirade.
In the United States, racist attacks are almost solely directed at people of color. If you are a white person — whether as an unrelated bystander or a parent of an international adoptee — it is your responsibility to step in.
Your white privilege is often more arresting to a racist than a response from the victim themselves. When a racist sees someone who looks like them defending a person of color, they may be more taken aback than if they were approached by a person of color.
It’s not enough to watch a racist encounter and keep an eye on it “just in case”; as a white person, you should intervene, place yourself between the attacker and the victim, and do what you can to de-normalize the attack.
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If the situation continues to escalate, it’s up to you to decide what to do next. However, most experts recommend disengaging, if possible. Confidently walk away and refuse to show the commenter that they have gotten to you. You might even laugh as you. Whatever you do, don’t let your emotions get the best of you.
It takes a little bit of action from everyone to combat racism. Remember how much of an impact your actions can make, and embrace your neighbors — whatever the color of their skin.
When considering adoption from any direction, all families involved are focusing their attention on the hope for their child. From an outsider’s perspective looking in, an adoption can seem like the exchange of a child from one family to another with polar-opposite responses to the child’s presence — the adoptive family wants the child, while the birth family does not. This is a heartbreaking misconception of those involved in an adoption and the longings for the child. Even though it may be hard to understand for someone who has not experienced either side of an adoption, there is no such thing as an unwanted child. While most of the misplaced blame for an “unwanted child” rests wearily on the shoulders of a birth parent, their choice to place the child for adoption exudes quite the opposite intention. A birth parent weighing a decision about what’s best for the future of their child is the greatest selfless act of love they can display. A birth parent may be unable to financially meet the needs of a child. Their present circumstances could make it near impossible to parent a child suitably. Health conditions or instability give reason for someone to make an agonizing decision for a child’s wellbeing. Whatever factors a birth parent considers, their decision for adoption comes despite their own grief and with the hope of a bright future for their child. Our culture spends too much time labeling what we see as someone else’s mistakes. If we would set aside some of our judgements long enough to view life from another’s eyes, our vision would become much clearer to others’ struggles, pains, hills and valleys. Sometimes we not only need to see others’ hurts, but we need to walk along beside them to understand more fully the road they travel. Our opinions of what is seen as “unwanted” would be altered to see someone’s heart and purpose. Our sentiments for an “unwanted child” may not ever be expressed to a birth mother if we have never met one, but how we respond to an adoptive parent can give out the same vibes. Praising an adoptive parent for rescuing a child who was “unwanted” by their birth parents can be just as detrimental to the perception of adoption. The trust and care given to an adoptive parent by the birth mother who delivered their child is an experience that is both humbling and overwhelming. How a parent can entrust you with the love and care for their child will be something an adoptive parent can never understand but is forever grateful for. To an adoptive parent, their child is seen as loved by so many before becoming a part of their family. The greatest fault of all is to ever let an adopted child think they were “unwanted.” No matter their birth parents’ circumstances, they wanted their child to be loved and cared for. No matter how a child enters a family, their forever family receives them with the weight of living up to giving their child all that they deserve. In adoption, a child will be the most affected by a decision they didn’t make but changed the course of their life. How our society reacts to adoption will either hinder or honor the parties involved. Their lives have been forever changed by hope. Hope for love, comfort, and faith that tomorrow will be better than today. So, let’s join in educating ourselves to better encourage this hope for adoption.
Jill is a 32-year-old wife and mom. She has been married to her husband, Brannon, for eight years and has 5-year-old and 1-year-old daughters. Jill and her husband are currently in the adoption process to bring another baby into their home. Jill lives in a small community in Kentucky. She has her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and Spanish and obtained her Master’s degree in Christian Ministries. Jill’s passions are her faith, her family, writing, playing sports, and eating good food.
Choosing adoption for your baby isn’t easy. So choosing adoption for your twins must be doubly difficult. If you’re like many mothers, there’s one thing at the front of your mind when thinking about adoption: I want my twins to stay together. We’re here today to give you good news. Modern-day adoption puts the birth mother in charge of the process. That means, among other things, that if you want your babies to stay together, they’ll stay together. You may have fears about how adoption will go, which is totally normal. What we’ve discovered over the years is that most fears are rooted in myths and common cultural misunderstandings. Take the adoption of twins, for instance. How many movies involve twins separated at birth and unknowingly meeting later in life? It’s a lot. But it’s not how things happen. As a woman experiencing unplanned pregnancy, we want you to feel secure and confident in your adoption plan. So, here’s how adoption works today, and why you don’t need to be afraid that your babies will be split up when you place twins for adoption.
Modern-day adoption and adoption from several decades ago are almost completely contrasting processes. Here’s what adoption used to be associated with: secrecy, shame, failure and powerlessness. Here’s what adoption means now: love, empowerment, opportunity and life. This shift has occurred within the last few decades. While we have a long way to go, we’ve also seen great progress. Back in the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s, adoption was a shameful and secretive act. This was partially due to America’s sexual ethic at the time — an unplanned pregnancy, especially outside of marriage, was viewed as a horrible mistake. It also had to do with the orphanage system, which governed adoption. When you chose adoption, you were giving up all control. Almost all adoptions were closed, and the birth mother was given no say in what happened to her baby. Things are completely different today. Adoption is a brave act. It comes from a place of love. A woman choosing adoption does not need to feel ashamed of her choice. She’s doing something to give her baby and herself a chance at life. Additionally, she is in control of the adoption process. Gone are the days of leaving your baby with an institution and being cut out of the process. Today, the birth mother creates her adoption plan from start to finish, including choosing the adoptive parents she thinks will be best for her baby. Because of this, you can place twins for adoption with the confidence that they will always have each other.
You get to choose the adoptive parents for your twins. You’ll do this with the help of an adoption professional by looking at many different adoptive family profiles. When you first choose adoption, you’ll create an adoption plan. In that plan, you’ll decide on several things, such as:
Then, your adoption specialist will find adoptive family profiles who match what you laid out in the adoption plan. You’ll only be shown families interested in the same level of openness and who want to adopt both of your babies. This allows you to focus on the deeper matters at hand, like if you think the parents are going to raise your children to become the bets versions of themselves. You can feel confident that your twins will stay together because you get to choose the adoptive family.
Back in the days when adoption was secretive and shameful, splitting up siblings may have been common. Like most things during that time, this was harmful to everyone involved in adoption, especially the children. A growing body of research has undeniably showed that keeping siblings together is a good thing. Staying connected with a sibling can help a child feel safe. As they grow and begin to form identities, having a healthy connection to a biological sibling can help a child form a sense of belonging. Additionally, the presence of a sibling can help a child feel connected to their biological family’s history. These are all good things and will be important as your children grow. Adoption professionals understand the importance of sibling groups. Not only are you able to keep your twins together, you will be encouraged to do so. Your adoption professional will never separate your twins when placing them for adoption. Instead, they will help you find the perfect family to adopt your babies.
Adoption can be a complex and confusing process, but you don’t do it on your own. To create an adoption plan for your twins, contact an adoption professional today to learn more about this process. Your professional will guide you through each step, offering your support and encouragement. With the help of an adoption agency, you can be sure that your twins will stay together in adoption and that you will receive the best service possible. To receive more helpful information about adoption, please don’t hesitate to contact us.
In recent years, open adoption has not only become a more normal choice, but it has also been shown to be a healthier option for all parties involved. Some open adoptions involve sharing pictures and letters between families or maybe sometimes a phone call, but there are occasions when birth parents and adoptive families would like to be able to share visits with each other.
While becoming more common for open adoptions to involve visits, the details surrounding what a visit will look like can still be shrouded with questions. Where will we go? Who all should be included in the visit? Are there certain public places to avoid? Should I let the birth parents decide the destination? All of these questions and more can cause some hesitations, but when a visit is approached with sensitivity to both families and is well-thought out, a more enjoyable time can be had by all.
Find out in what city you will be meeting the birth parents and start from there. If you must, Google attractions or restaurants in that area or send out an all-call on social media for ideas that are family-friendly in the city you will be visiting. Do your research first. To be more helpful in planning an open adoption visit, check out these 10 ideas to see if any fit what’s best for your situation.
Animals are always interesting conversation starters and provide ongoing entertainment for all ages. Many times, you can find a zoo or aquarium, whether large or small, that will provide a full day of fun.
Sharing a meal with someone meets a physical need as well as becomes an intimate time to talk and share stories. Finding a restaurant where everyone feels comfortable is good, but finding one where the children are entertained is a plus. Some have play areas while others provide coloring books and crayons. This will better ensure an enjoyable experience.
An activity that has become very popular and is popping up in cities large and small is trampoline businesses. You may be able to find a trampoline park near where you are meeting. If your child would be excited to participate, there are often many varieties of trampolines with different levels of difficulty so children of all ages can participate.
Another popular hobby that people are partaking in is art classes. Research if the city has any art studios that offer “Canvas and Cupcakes” or “Pancakes and Pottery” type classes. You could spend time together and create something trendy at the same time. An art studio can usually accommodate private groups if you are looking for a more personal way to connect.
Many cities have museums. Art, music, science, or sports museums can offer interesting opportunities and easy conversation while touring.
A city park provides free entertainment and is usually loved by most children. Parks are also not hard to find. You can arrange to bring a picnic lunch and sit and eat at the park before exploring its possibilities.
Search for a roller skating or ice skating arena near where you will be meeting. If children are old enough, this may be an option that is cost-effective and many times comical.
Bowling is a sport that is laidback and can be enjoyable even to those who lack the ability to stay out of the gutter. The atmosphere can render a lighthearted get-together as well as provide opportunities to chat with everyone who attends. Bowling alleys are also easy to find and a relatively cheap option for entertainment.
Depending on what time of year your visit occurs, try searching for an orchard or family farm business that offers a play area, petting zoo, fruit picking, and fresh preserves. A family-owned orchard or business is usually a more pleasant experience because customer service is exceptional and quality supreme.
The movie theater is always an option, but probably would be my last choice of a meeting place. Movies are fun and provide entertainment, but don’t give the people you are with any chances to interact or communicate with one another. If your goal is to get to know the other family members, then you will have to attach dinner with the movie so that you can chat with each other at one point during the visit.
What’s best to remember is that if you choose a place where everyone is comfortable, then your visit will be more enjoyable. You can always ask the birth parents if they have any suggestions and what they are interested in before planning the day. Whatever you choose, be fully invested in the time you will spend.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably in a unique situation. You’re the father of a baby, and the mother has decided that the best path forward is adoption.
This isn’t something you were planning. Regardless of your relationship with the mother, you most likely have a lot of questions. The first thing to know is that this is her decision. While you can be a part of this process, and you do have a claim to the child, try to allow room for the fact that because it is her body, it is first and foremost her choice.
That means, if the mother is already set on adoption, one of the best things you can do is offer your support and encouragement. She’s making a difficult decision, and you have an opportunity to be an important part of it.
To get to a place where you can offer that support, you’re going to need to knock down some misconceptions about adoption and what it means for you. You may have some fears, but there’s a good chance those fears come from common myths.
We’re going to bust five big misconceptions about adoption and tell you the truth about how it can affect your life in a positive way.
It’s true that many birth fathers are not involved in the adoption process, but that’s not because they can’t be. It’s their choice. Unfortunately, many are unsupportive or uninvolved and take the easy way out by walking away. But you don’t have to do that.
If you would like to be involved in the adoption process, you can. You can work with the mother of the baby and an adoption agency to create an adoption plan that works for everyone. You can be a supportive and encouraging presence. There’s nothing to stop you from making the best of this situation and being a positive part of the adoption process.
If the mother of the baby is someone special to you, there’s a good chance you are worried that her choosing adoption means she is giving up on you. That’s not always the case. While every relationship is unique and we can’t say how yours will go, there are many women who choose adoption but go on to become a mother again later in life, sometimes with the father of the baby.
Adoption isn’t always about you, as the father. It’s about the mother and how she feels. She may know that she can’t be a parent right now for a number of reasons. If you can put her needs before your own, you may be able to see that the meaningful relationship you have with her could actually be strengthened by going on this journey together.
Our culture has a pretty bad idea of what it means to be a man. Lately you may have heard to it referred to as “toxic masculinity,” the sort of macho-man mentality that causes harm to others, asserts authority over everyone and is extremely allergic to any notion of emotional availability.
A real man doesn’t need counseling, you may think. A real man toughs it out.
This is a lie at best, and an actively harmful idea at worst. Everyone has emotions. We all deal with difficult situations differently. Being the father in an unplanned pregnancy and then going through the adoption process is not always easy, and it’s okay to ask for help.
You’re never going to be able to help the mother of your baby if you don’t find help for yourself. Your peers may tell you that it’s weak to seek counseling or other emotional supports, but it takes real strength to put yourself in a better position to meet other’s needs.
A lot of people don’t understand that when a mother chooses adoption for her baby, her motivation is love. You may know what we mean, because you also feel love for this child. And you may be wondering, Will I ever know if things turned out okay?
Thankfully, the answer is yes. Most adoptions are at least semi-open. This means that, if you would like to stay involved in the process, there is a good chance you can at least receive photo and letter updates from the family post-placement. This gives you the opportunity to see your child growing and thriving.
In some cases, adoptions are completely open, which means you may be able to have face-to-face interactions with your child on special occasions as they grow up.
Each child who comes home through adoption will develop a unique relationship with their past. As they grow and form a sense of identity, they will grapple with the implications of adoption. We have seen many adoptees, especially in modern-day adoption, come to have a sense of appreciation for their birth parents. There are several reasons for this.
The first is that adoptive parents no longer keep adoption a secret. This is an outdated and harmful practice. Instead, adoptive parents are encouraged to tell their children their adoption story from a young age. This helps place it in a positive light.
The second is open adoption. Even though there is added distance, open adoption helps a child to still you see as a part of their life. You are still someone who has been around, in one way or another, since the beginning.
Choosing adoption does not guarantee that your child will resent you. Rather, they will likely come to appreciate the selfless decision you made.
These are some of the most common fears that birth fathers have about adoption. As you can see, most of these fears come from misconceptions. While adoption may not be easy, and it’s most likely not what you had in mind, you can choose to support the mother of the baby during this important time.
As you are considering your summertime adventures for your family, look into the idea of an adoption camp to enhance your experiences. A summer adoption camp can expand our thoughts and captivate our hearts. Spotlighting adoption plans as part of your family’s summer will also show your family and friends the importance of being intentional with incorporating adoption as a special part of the lives of those you love.
Adoption summer camps have become popular in recent years as we learn the value and benefit of all they have to offer. They can be day camps, weekly meetings, or week-long camps attended by either an adopted child or the entire family. The goal behind sending your child or going with them to a camp during the summer is all in experiencing more of who they are and who they will become. Navigating adoption doesn’t cease after ICPC is approved and your child is home; you have just begun. A summer camp empowers your child, strengthens friendships, and provides opportunities they may not normally be given.
Camp in general is a word that instigates excitement and wonder as well as being a new adventure. If you look around your city, you may not necessarily have camps that are only geared toward adoptive families, but there will be many options for children to make new friends and enjoy new experiences. Contact your local churches for summer camps or Vacation Bible Schools they offer. Ask your local YMCA about choices they have for summer. The Boy/Girl Scouts or 4-H clubs will be able to tell you what your child can be involved in while out of school. Also, your local school system may provide camps based on your child’s interests like science, math, art, music, or sports. These are safe environments that would give your child a great opportunity to learn and have fun during the summer.
If what you’re searching for is something specifically related to adoption, you can find many camps that focus on adoptees or adoptees and their families and what makes them so special. Adoption-focused camps may be fewer and far between but can be well worth the time and travel it takes to participate.
What you will find in an adoption camp are positive and eye-opening benefits. Families are able to spend time in activities together as well as find space for children to engage with other adoptees and parents to connect with each other. Children who attend adoption camps have encounters that are usually less-than-normal in their day-to–day lives. Whether they are kayaking on the river or just being around other children who understand their feelings, adoption camp provides them with special times and unwavering support. Lifelong friends or summer companions are made from similar backgrounds and shared experiences. Families also benefit from the stress-free environment and respite from a life outside the realm of normalcy.
There are several options for adoption camps if you’re looking to take your child. A quick look in an internet search engine, a social media investigation, or a call to an adoption professional for recommendations will point you in the direction of adoption camps to check out.
One well-known adoption agency, Holt International, provides adoption day or overnight camps for the whole family or a camp that is solely for adoptees. Check out their website for more information. Heritage Camps also has camps for adoptive families that are located in Colorado. They focus on families with adoptive children and teaching them about their culture of origin. Another camp is the Pact adoption camp, whose mission is to serve adopted children of color and their families. They have two camp locations, in California and Georgia. See their website for information.
The important thing to remember when planning for summer is to find an experience that will best fit your child and what they are ready to handle in order to get the most benefit and happiest experience for your child and family.
Last week, we shared 5 Amazing Things Adoptive Parents Can Do for Their Kids — tips every adoptive parent can consider to help their children grow up with a positive sense of identity and a healthy relationship with adoption.
In part two of this series, we’re sharing even more advice for adoptive families (or potential adoptive families) who want some adoption-specific parenting pointers. Here are five more amazing things adoptive parents can do for their children:
A family is a family, no matter how it’s made — and in almost every way, your family is just like any other. But at the same time, it’s not uncommon for children to sometimes feel different from their peers because of their adoption stories. They might be the only one of their friends who doesn’t look like their parents, and they might be the only child in their class whose family tree project includes a branch for birth family.
No one understands adoptees — or their parents — quite the way other adoptees and adoptive parents do. Seeking out other adoptive families and forming relationships with them can be a powerful way to normalize your child’s adoption story. If you don’t already know other adoptive families in your area, try searching for a nearby adoption meet-up group that can provide a sense of community for you and your child.
There is so much to celebrate in adoption. But there is some debate when it comes to certain celebrations — specifically of “Gotcha Day,” or the anniversary of a child’s adoption date.
Meeting your child for the first time, bringing him or her home and finalizing your adoption will all be exciting milestones for your family, and it’s natural to want to commemorate those dates. But it’s also important to remember that adoption is complicated. “Gotcha Day” celebrations can sometimes oversimplify these complexities by overlooking adoptees’ and birth parents’ feelings of loss. Some argue that even the term “Gotcha Day” has problematic implications, making it sound as if a child is something to simply be “gotten.”
Instead, some families choose to celebrate “Adoption Day” or “Family Day,” focusing on the day they all became a family. Others use their child’s adoption day as an opportunity to talk about and honor birth family. Ultimately, whether and how you celebrate your child’s adoption will likely depend on the circumstances of your child’s adoption and how he or she feels about it. The important thing is to acknowledge your child’s feelings and be sensitive to those as you approach these important anniversaries.
It’s an unfortunate reality for adoptive families: sometimes, people are going to say ignorant or insensitive things.
As a parent, you should always be your child’s greatest advocate. Make a proactive effort to educate friends and family members on issues like positive adoption language. Don’t be afraid to (politely) correct someone when they misspeak about adoption or your child. Prepare responses for when strangers ask nosy questions or make misguided comments. And talk to your child about how to do the same.
All of these steps will help to shape your child’s feelings about adoption. Make it clear through your interactions with others that you are proud of your child and your family, that adoption is a special and positive thing, and that your child should never feel ashamed or embarrassed of where he or she comes from.
All adopted children have a natural and healthy curiosity about where they came from, and if you do not have an open or semi-open adoption with your child’s birth family, there is a good possibility that your child may someday want to start a search for biological relatives.
For some adoptive parents, the idea of this search and reunion can be scary and overwhelming. You might have no idea what to expect, and you naturally want to protect your child from the possibility of pain or disappointment. Maybe, if you’re completely honest, you also feel a little sad or even jealous that your child wants to search for his or her birth family — and that’s okay.
However, while it might be hard for you to accept, it’s important to recognize that this is not your choice to make. If your child is really serious about finding their birth family, they likely will, with or without your involvement.
The best thing you can do in this situation as an adoptive parent is to support your child wholeheartedly. Help them in their search. Offer up any information you have. If and when they ever meet up with biological relatives, consider asking if you can go with them. You are your child’s parent and always will be — whether they choose to search for birth family or not — which means you are the best person to love, protect and support your child through this process.
There are so many more things adoptive parents can do for their kids, but this might be the most important. Listen to adoptee voices — and most importantly, your child’s. As one adoptee put it, “If you are a parent through adoption, listen to YOUR CHILD, because ultimately, with all the voices you will hear about adoption, theirs is the most important. Let your child be your guide.”
Did you miss the first post in this series? Check out “5 Amazing Things Adoptive Parents Can Do for Their Kids,” and learn more about raising an adopted child here.
As of July 1, 2019, the Hague Convention has officially entered into force for Honduras. The United States will now be able to process intercountry adoptions from Honduras in accordance with U.S. laws and Hague Convention standards. All adoptions between Honduras and the United States taking place after July 1 must meet the requirements of the Hague Convention. Adoptive parents should work closely with their accredited adoption service provider to ensure they fully complete the Hague adoption process and comply with all Honduran and U.S. laws. Adoptive parents should be prepared for delays in the adoption process while Honduras works to implement these new regulations and procedures. The Department of State will post additional Honduras adoption information as it becomes available. Please monitor adoption.state.gov for updated information or contact the Office of Children’s Issues with any questions.
It’s that time of year — families across the country are gearing up to celebrate the Fourth of July with pool parties, barbecues, parades, carnivals and, of course, fireworks. This holiday is a chance for all of us to celebrate the culture and freedoms that exist in the United States today, as well as an opportunity to look back at the history and people who got us here. But did you know that some of those people were actually touched by adoption? It’s true. As we approach Independence Day, take time to learn about some of the famous figures in American history whose lives were shaped by their adoption stories. As you’re reading, though, it’s important to keep in mind that adoption has not always been what it is today (in fact, it has changed dramatically through the course of history). Many of these historical and political figures weren’t officially “adopted” in the sense that we now understand adoption. Still, it’s hard to argue that these individuals did not have an impact on U.S. history — and their upbringings with adoptive parents likely had an impact on who they were and the things they went on to accomplish.
July 4 is celebrated each year in commemoration of the Declaration of Independence — and John Hancock is widely credited as being the first to sign the famous document. What many people don’t know, however, is that the founding father was actually raised in an adoptive household. Born in colonial Massachusetts in 1737, Hancock was adopted and raised by his childless aunt and uncle after his father died and his mother was no longer able to care for him. He later inherited his uncle’s business and went on to become one of the most prominent political figures in the American Revolution.
Abraham Lincoln had an incredibly close bond with his mother. In fact, he told one relative that she “had been his best friend in this world” and that “no son could love a mother more than he loved her.” But the 16th president wasn’t talking about the woman who gave birth to him. He was talking about Sarah Bush Johnston, the stepmother who raised him after his “angel mother,” Nancy Lincoln, passed away when he was 9 years old. While Johnston may not have formally adopted Lincoln, she did encourage his intellectual development, providing him with books to read and encouraging him to practice writing and public speaking. Lincoln’s (adoptive) mother’s influence arguably shaped who he became — and, in turn, potentially helped to shape the history of our country.
With deep involvement in a variety of human rights and social justice movements, Eleanor Roosevelt was one of the most powerful women of her time. Serving as the First Lady of the United States during Franklin D. Roosevelt’s presidency (1933–1945), she revolutionized the role, using it as a platform to become an active political force. But before Roosevelt grew up to become a political powerhouse, she suffered unthinkable loss in her childhood; her mother died when she was 8, and her father died just two years later. She and her brother were adopted and raised by their grandmother.
Gerald Ford, 38th president of the United States, would not have been Gerald Ford without adoption. Born Leslie Lynch King, Jr. in 1913, Ford’s parents separated when he was a baby. His mother remarried when he was 2 years old, and he was adopted by and renamed for his stepfather, Gerald R. Ford, Sr. Ford didn’t learn of his adoption until he was older, but he said the revelation “didn’t make a big impression” on him. “I didn’t understand exactly what a stepfather was,” he said. “Dad and I had the closest, most intimate relationship. We acted alike. We had the same interests. I thought we looked alike.” Ford called his adoptive father a “magnificent person.” “I couldn’t have written a better prescription for a superb family upbringing,” he said of his childhood.
Nancy Reagan was another influential First Lady, best known for her “Just Say No” anti-drug campaign. As a small child, Reagan’s parents divorced, and she lived with an aunt and uncle for a time before her mother remarried and she was adopted by her new stepfather at the age of 6. Fun fact: Nancy’s husband, President Ronald Reagan, was also an adoptive father, having adopted his son Michael with his first wife long before his presidency. In fact, the president was so passionate about adoption, he declared the first National Adoption Awareness Week in 1984.
Bill Clinton, the 42nd president of the United States, was actually born William Jefferson Blythe III. His father was killed in a car accident just months before he was born and, unable to financially provide for him, his mother moved to Louisiana to attend nursing school. During that time, she left her son in the care of his grandparents but returned for him four years later. She married Roger Clinton, Sr. in 1950, and Bill officially adopted his stepfather’s surname as a teen. Clinton was a known advocate for adoption during his time in office, expanding National Adoption Awareness Week to the entire month of November. In one famous quote, the former president said, “We must work tirelessly to make sure that every boy and girl in America who is up for adoption has a family waiting to reach him or her. This is a season of miracles, and perhaps there is no greater miracle than finding a loving home for a child who needs one.” These are just a few of the many influential people who have been touched by adoption. In addition to these founding fathers, first ladies and U.S. presidents, there are many other senators, representatives, judges, celebrities and everyday people who have made their mark on our country’s history and culture as adoptees, birth parents or adoptive parents. This Fourth of July, join us in celebrating the small — but not insignificant — role adoption has played in American history!
Most parents have the same general goal: to do the very best they possibly can for their kids. This can mean different things to different people, and what’s right for one family isn’t going to be right for the next.
But, when your family came together through adoption, there are a few general pieces of advice it doesn’t hurt to have on hand. If you’re looking for some guidance as an adoptive parent, here are five amazing things you can do for your child:
It’s one of the golden rules of adoptive parenting: adoption should be a topic of open and ongoing discussion from day one. Adoptive parents can (and should) tweak their adoption conversations based on their child’s age, maturity, understanding and interest level, but there should never be a “big reveal” that your child was adopted. Talking honestly and positively about adoption from the very beginning will help your child feel more confident and secure in his or her identity and adoption story.
On a similar note, it’s crucial to always talk about your child’s birth family honestly, positively and, above all else, with respect. Your child’s birth parents are a major part of his or her story, and your child will be curious about them. Answer their questions truthfully, give them all the details you have (even the more difficult or sensitive ones, as age-appropriate), and, most importantly, assure your child that their birth parents love them and made a brave and selfless decision for them.
Experts agree that in most cases, maintaining some level of openness is an overwhelmingly positive thing for adoptees. If you are in the process of adopting a child, get excited about open adoption now, and start laying the foundation for a relationship with your child’s birth parents as soon as you receive an adoption opportunity. Keep that relationship going strong after placement, and always follow through on your open adoption promises.
Of course, there are still situations where a birth parent may choose a closed adoption, and it’s important to set healthy boundaries in any open or semi-open adoption (after all, open adoption is not co-parenting). But, even if your contact is more limited, do what you can to keep the lines of communication open — whether that’s through reunion registries or writing letters and keeping photos on hand in case your child’s birth parents ever do reach out to request contact.
All adopted kids can benefit by seeing themselves and their families reflected in the books they read, toys they play with and movies they watch. This is especially vital for children who are adopted into a family of a different race or culture. Stock your toy box with dolls whose hair and skin match your child’s, and line your bookshelves with stories of protagonists from many different backgrounds.
It’s important to go beyond the playroom and make sure your child’s heritage is well-represented in your community, as well. Seek out community “mirrors” and role models for your child in your neighborhood, school and church. If your child was adopted from another culture, incorporate traditional stories, foods and holidays into your family celebrations.
Even though adoption has no doubt been an amazing thing for your family, it’s important to remember that all adoptions first involve loss — and that has the potential to create some challenges for adoptees.
Listen to your child. Make it clear that they can always talk to you about any issues they’re facing or complicated feelings they’re having. Acknowledge the very real possibility that your child may, at some point, feel a sense of grief or loss around their adoption — even if it’s difficult for you to understand. If your child is struggling with things like self-esteem, identity formation or attachment, consider reaching out to an adoption counselor for additional support.
In most ways, parenting an adopted child isn’t much different from parenting any other child. In fact, you’ll probably spend a lot more time searching for general parenting advice than adoption-specific guidance.
But it’s also true that adoption is a lifelong journey, and it is an important part of your child’s story and your family’s identity. Taking some time to learn more about adoptive parenting and the impact of adoption on adoptees may be the most amazing thing you can do for your child.
Want more adoptive parenting tips? Stay tuned for “5 More Amazing Things Adoptive Parents Can Do for Their Kids.”
