Facing the decision to place your child with the people they’ll call “mom” and “dad” is a position that nobody imagines themselves being in. It can be hard for others to understand the enormity of a birth parent’s love. So here are some of their own words: 1. “Today, what a lot of people think is a tragedy because I’m not raising my child, I feel is a great thing because my daughter has a fantastic life, something I couldn’t provide for her.” –Terri, a birth mother, on why she chose adoption 2. “One of the most popular myths about being a birth father that I want to dispel is that we aren’t deadbeats. Most of us care about our children’s life. Everything that I am and have accomplished to this day is because of my little girl. Being a dad is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I want other people, birth fathers in particular, to know and understand that although they don’t play an active role in their child’s life, it’s still important to be a part of it, and for them to find a way to let their children know how much they are loved.” –Zachary, a birth father, on his open adoption relationship 3. “Adoption has taught me that a mother’s love holds no boundaries. No, I didn’t envision myself as a mother or even more so a birth mother, but such a title holds responsibility in me that I now announce with pride and gratitude.” –Gina, a birth mother, on the pain and joy of motherhood 4. “The first time I saw her lean down and kiss him, it brought back memories of that day in the hospital when she had placed him in the crib and kissed him. Tears streamed down my face as I was reminded once again of how good God is and how He provides for us in ways unimaginable.” –Melanie, a birth grandmother, on her family’s open adoption relationship 5. “My eyes just watered as they placed her into Jenn’s arms. She was no longer mine, but I knew in my heart that everything would be okay. Seeing how happy she made them and their family and seeing how happy their family was just reassured me that I had made the right decision.” –Angelica, a birth mother, on choosing her daughter’s family 6. “Adoption is beautiful when we decide it is beautiful. Adoption is deplorable when we find it inappropriate. There is so much judgement in society. What if we applauded birth mothers and birth parents?” –Lindsay, a birth mother, on choosing adoption and the options that pregnant women have 7. “Belle is 15 years old now and she is amazing. I know she loves me because she tells me so (in texts with smiley faces). In fact, she loves me ‘to the moon’ and I am so grateful for that. I am expecting the birth of my second daughter, Belle’s half-sister, shortly before this story is to be published. I think about Belle’s birth all the time now, trying to draw parallels between that pregnancy and the one I am experiencing now, trying to conjure up the emotions I felt as a 16-year-old kid preparing to be a father. I am still nervous about being a father, but I am ready now.” –Ricky, a birth father, on readiness to parent 8. “I don’t regret the adoption because I know it’s what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to raise them for two years so they could be with their family now. If I didn’t, they would never have had the chance to be with their wonderful family and to have all the opportunities they have in their lives.” –Casey, a birth mother, on choosing adoption after parenting 9.“Adoption is the hardest thing you will probably ever do in your life. You feel like your heart is being ripped out. But if you are doing it for all the right reasons, your life will be truly blessed forever.” –Laura, a birth mother, on the most difficult choice she ever made 10. “When I placed Miles in her arms, her whole body lit up. This wonderful woman who was receiving our child was going to make her family bigger and stronger. In the end, everybody came together.” –Mindi, a birth mother, on her relationship with her son’s mother
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Want to read more about adoption through the eyes of a birth mother? Follow ‘Thoughts from a Birth Mother.’ Check back at the Considering Adoption Blog for “10 Moving Adoption Quotes from Adoptive Parents.”
Becoming a parent is always a life-changing experience, but there’s something unique about adoption. Here’s how these parents put it: 1. “At that moment, life was finally put in perspective and I finally felt whole.” –Steven, an adoptive father, on witnessing his daughter’s birth 2. “I think a lot of people go into adoption just wanting a baby, and it took us some time to learn just how much our birth mom was going through and how much of the adoption was about her and her baby. I think it’s important to foster that relationship with her and to realize the sacrifice that she’s making in placing a baby for adoption, and just the sheer amount of work and thought she’s put into it… She’s every bit a part of this story, as much as our son is.” – Katelyn, an adoptive mother, on letting go of her initial fears about birth mothers 3. “When Cate smiles her toothless grin, I see her birth mom. It reminds me of the loving choice she made for Cate, and how lucky I am that she chose me to be Cate’s mom.” –Erin, an adoptive mother, on her open adoption relationship 4. “If you are reading this, I want you to remember this: You will be a parent! It’s not a matter of how, it’s a matter of when. As you wait for your call for your match or try and decide whether adoption is the route you should go, remember that love makes a family and out there in this big fish bowl of a world is a baby that needs you just as much as you want them.” –Rebecca, an adoptive mother, on choosing adoption 5. “If I can, from our experience, give one piece of advice to prospective adoptive parents, it is DO NOT BE AFRAID! Do not let fear invade your relationship with the birth parents of your child. Remember always, love is never divided, only multiplied. I wish each and every one of you the joy that can only come when you are called ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad.’” –Sherry, an adoptive mother, on her open adoption relationships 6. “Adoption is like forming a mosaic out of a million broken pieces. When those pieces adhere together, their rough edges suddenly transform into art. No matter how beautiful, though, it should never be dismissed that the beauty started in pain.” –Claire, an adoptive mother, on the complexities of adoption 7. “Words cannot express our gratitude to both Cara and Danny’s birth parents. They are some of the strongest people we have ever met and will ever know. To know so resolutely that their babies belong in our family is so priceless and a story that our children will always be told. Cara and Danny’s birth parents have given us the most precious gifts that anyone could possibly give — they have given us life, love and eternal happiness with our forever family! Cara and Danny will always know their adoption stories and of the wonderful people who brought them into this world to join our family.” –Kevin and Colleen, adoptive parents, on their children’s birth parents 8. “Every adoption story is a story of loss.” –Audrey, an adoptive mother, on acknowledging the joys and losses the adoption triad experiences 9. “We know there are just some mountains that everyone has to climb, and there’s no right or wrong way to climb them, you just have to keep moving forward. But what we can tell you is that on the other side of that mountain is a truly miraculous view.” –Susanne, an adoptive mother, on getting through the adoption process 10. “I am no longer an adoptive father, but simply Dad. … It’s true: Having a child has changed my life, in ways I could never have predicted. I see the world differently than I once did. The future means more to me now.” –Bob, an adoptive father, on adopting later in life
Check back at the Considering Adoption Blog for “10 Moving Adoption Quotes from Birth Parents.”
For many birth mothers, Mother’s Day is a day fraught with emotions. With so many blogs and ads celebrating mothers currently raising children, many birth mothers understandably feel forgotten — as if their motherhood doesn’t matter. But one birth mother is out to change all that. Kelsey Vander Vliet runs “From Anotha Motha,” a support blog for birth mothers across the country. For the second year in a row, she is helming her “Motha’s Day” campaign — a project designed to get a Mother’s Day card to every birth mother in the U.S. who wants one.
Kelsey, who placed her son for adoption in 2016, found herself struggling with grief on her first Mother’s Day in 2017. No one except her mother told her “Happy Mother’s Day,” and she says she remembers feeling “invisible.” Her son’s birthday being the same week only compounded her emotions. In talking to other birth mothers for support, Kelsey found many of them felt the same way. “I thought, ‘How cool would it be if everyone saw us as mothers instead of birth moms on Mother’s Day?’” she remembers. And, thus, the Motha’s Day campaign was born.
The Motha’s Day project is fairly simple. Birth mothers can sign up for a card at any time. Those wishing to send a card to birth mothers should follow these instructions:
Step 1: Buy or make a Mother’s Day card.
Step 2: Write a sweet note inside for a birth mom. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or Pulitzer-Prize-worthy — just something to remind her of her motherhood on Mother’s Day.
Step 3: Put your card in an unsealed envelope, and send in another envelope. Kelsey’s team reads each card before sending, so they request you do not seal your cards. Place the envelope in another envelope and send to the following address:
From Anotha Motha P.O. Box 4077 Mission Viejo, CA 92690
Step 4: Make sure to include an extra stamp so the team can send your card.
Step 5: Take a picture of your card, show it off on social media, and hashtag #MothasDay2019.
Cards should not include a personal brand or logo, and they should be specifically Mother’s Day cards (not Birth Mother’s Day or any other variation). Well-wishers can send as many cards as they desire. Remember: For safety, Kelsey and her team will review each card and repackage it to send along to birth mothers who have signed up. Birth mothers who wish to receive a Mother’s Day card can sign up on Kelsey’s website. Any well-wisher sending a card must make sure their card is mailed by May 1 to allow Kelsey’s team to distribute it in time for Mother’s Day. Last year, Kelsey and her team sent over 400 Mother’s Day cards. This year, the project already has 250 birth mothers signed up — and counting.
When Kelsey announced a second year of the Motha’s Day project, birth mothers from the year before started to reach out. She saw exactly what impact her project already had. “One that really stuck out to me was one woman, who had said it was her first time in 20 years that anyone had ever said, ‘Happy Mother’s Day,’ to her,” Kelsey says. “Some people are sending me pictures of their cards, saying, ‘I still have it on my desk,’ or, ‘I still have it up in my room.’ It was cool that they kept it; it meant a lot to them.” As helpful as the Motha’s Day project has been to birth mothers, Kelsey has also seen an impact on card senders, as well. “Although it started as thinking of birth moms on Mother’s Day… it’s beneficial for people who send the cards, too,” Kelsey says. “I have a lot of people who aren’t involved in adoption who are helping, and they’re learning — it’s changing the culture around adoption. It’s about acknowledging [women] as mothers, no matter what their choice was. Just because you place your child for adoption doesn’t exclude you from being a mom.” Kelsey’s adoption work doesn’t start and end with her campaign and blog. She previously organized and ran a birth mother support group in Indianapolis. More recently, she moved to Southern California, where she works as a paralegal for an adoption law firm and will attend law school in the fall to become an adoption lawyer herself. As much as she loves the role she’s taken on, Kelsey has found some support of her own in giving back to other birth moms. “It’s therapeutic to have a community of people who understand what you’ve gone through,” Kelsey says. “Through my career and all this now, I have a ton of birth mom friends. It’s really comforting, and I hope that they feel the same. “It helps to not go through it on your own, because there’s a whole lot of us out there.”Visit Kelsey’s blog to learn more about her story and her campaign. You can also follow her on Instagram.
When there are holidays to celebrate mothers and fathers, why not take time to celebrate some of your best friends and biggest aggravators who you can find in your siblings? A nationally observed holiday on April 10 hails Siblings Day to do just that. The majority of us are able to participate in this holiday. With the many diverse family types represented in the world today, there are many who have biological and adoptive siblings in their family. Valuing these relationships will foster their connections and provide a better appreciation for these partners in life.
For an adopted child, there are many relationships that fall under the siblings umbrella. This child can have biological siblings from their birth parents, siblings in their family who have also been adopted, and siblings who are biological children of their adoptive parents. Each of these relationships can be respected and loved, but all will have diverse components that contribute to your child’s understanding and friendships with their brothers and sisters. Whether you are a birth parent or an adoptive parent, listening to the needs of your children and how they are relating to their siblings is the best start to fostering their bonds and increasing their self-awareness with one another. Just like a family raising biological children will have to learn the unique facets of each child and respond accordingly, a family with adoptive children, a blend of biological and adoptive children, or children in a combined family will discover the distinct differences of each child. In these instances, we must embrace each child and their needs, support them in strengthening the relationships with all their siblings and teach them to consider each other less like acquaintances and more like family.
Be ready to answer any questions your children may have about their siblings. Have open communication about how each person came into the family so there is no assumed shame if a child’s story is altered or more obscure. This will only be harder in the long run when truths are told. We want to proclaim each child’s story as their own and as their joyful celebration of being a part of our family. Seeing each child’s position in the family as equally special will create a level playing field when it comes to their relationships as siblings.
As parents, we also need to remember that our children will emulate behavior they see from us, so how we treat our own siblings, how we talk about our children, and how open we are to discussing their concerns will directly impact their sibling relationships. You may run into concerns with your adopted child that have them asking questions about their biological siblings and birth family. Listen. A biological child may want to discuss how to address kids at their school who make hurtful comments about their adopted sibling and how to handle the situation. Be compassionate. A biological and adopted sibling pair may be having a difficult time at first forming a bond. Be patient and offer hope. Our family is in the adoption process. We have two biological daughters and will hopefully be welcoming another baby into our family through adoption soon. We have researched and picked the brains of our friends who have dealt with the sibling relationships in their own family. We have prayed for our daughters and for the next child who will be ours that they will see how special each of them is to us, no matter their DNA. When our girls are able to celebrate Siblings Day and announce a new sibling as part of their family, I hope they see their love expanded and their attachments multiplied. I believe that because we have already begun the conversations with them about a new adopted sibling that they will see how loved and wanted their sibling is and how they are given a great blessing in being able to show that love also. I know siblings will not always get along. They will be jealous, snatch toys, annoy, and fight. But, always reaffirm your hope for a relationship that will be comfortable and heartwarming, celebrating the bond a child shares with their sibling.
Jill is a 32-year-old wife and mom. She has been married to her husband, Brannon, for eight years and has 5-year-old and 1-year-old daughters. Jill and her husband are currently in the adoption process to bring another baby into their home. Jill lives in a small community in Kentucky. She has her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and Spanish and obtained her Master’s degree in Christian Ministries. Jill’s passions are her faith, her family, writing, playing sports, and eating good food.
Every April, the autism community comes together to celebrate World Autism Month. If you’re considering adopting a child with autism, or you’re interested in learning more about what you can do to get involved in the community, find out more about how you can spread awareness here.
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) refers to a broad category of developmental disorders that impact a person’s brain development. Typically, those who have been diagnosed with autism face challenges with social interaction, trouble expressing needs and wants, and repetitive behaviors. Signs of autism usually appear in early childhood; however, it is possible for individuals with high‐functioning autism to not be diagnosed until later in life. According to the CDC, about 1 in 59 children are diagnosed with a form of autism spectrum disorder, and boys are four times more likely to be diagnosed with ASD then girls. Autism also occurs in all ethnic and socioeconomic groups. Research also suggests that a child is more likely to be diagnosed with autism if it runs in their family.
Yes, adopting is a beautiful experience — and adopting a child with special needs can be more than rewarding. But the experience can be more challenging than you would have initially anticipated if you’re not ready for everything that comes with adopting a child with autism. If you’re considering adopting a child with special needs, here are some important facts that you should know.
If you are considering a special needs adoption, one of the best resources will be an adoption specialist who can provide additional resources during your journey. We also recommend looking for real stories from adoptive parents who have also adopted a child with autism to learn more about their experiences.
If you are thinking of adopting a child with autism, there are many ways to spread awareness in your community and to get involved during World Autism Month. During April, you can volunteer with and donate to meaningful organizations such as the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, which is run by and for autistic people. You can also celebrate it though local events and activities through Affiliates, along with other online events and activities. Another great way to find out more about what’s going on in the autism community is through newsletters from the community. Here are some of our favorite ones to read through:
Autistic Self Advocacy Network
April 2 is a holiday observed around the world celebrating child literacy and the impact literature can have on a child’s learning and imagination. International Children’s Book Day honors the birthdate of a famous 19th-century Danish author, Hans Christian Andersen, who penned some of the earliest forms of fairy tales for children. Some of his most famous stories include The Princess and the Pea, The Little Mermaid, and The Ugly Duckling.
On International Children’s Book Day, we get to be reminded of the importance of sharing a love of reading with our children and choosing books fitting their interests. Also, books that correspond with a child’s family life can be influential and grab their attention because of the connection with the content. In reference to adoption, there are so many stories that are available to not only celebrate literacy on International Children’s Book Day, but to also aid in celebrating the theme of adoption within your family.
Take a trip to your local library or order some of these titles for keepsakes in your house and read them with your children to encourage the thoughts and feelings of adoption. Use these books as loving ways to nurture more conversations or just to affirm your family’s own adoption story. See which story speaks to your child. In our family, we have already started a collection of books that will be not only informative for our children, but also make connections with their family and the love they feel. We are particularly excited to be able to read #10.
View this post on Instagram Fi woke up sickies today😷 So we are reading our favorite adoption story while her soup heats up • I can never get through this story without crying 😭 #tellmeagainaboutthenightiwasborn {to read along with us watch on YouTube via FIFIANDMO VIDEO 👀 A post shared by finley + christina (@fifiandmo) on Apr 28, 2016 at 9:21am PDT
Fi woke up sickies today😷 So we are reading our favorite adoption story while her soup heats up • I can never get through this story without crying 😭 #tellmeagainaboutthenightiwasborn {to read along with us watch on YouTube via FIFIANDMO VIDEO 👀
A post shared by finley + christina (@fifiandmo) on Apr 28, 2016 at 9:21am PDT
View this post on Instagram Read this precious little #Adoption book to Bo before his nap today. He certainly is my wish (and a million prayers) come true! 💙 Thank you @amillioncanaries for this sweet gift for our boy! #IWishedForYou A post shared by Brittany Burtch (@theburtchs) on Jun 15, 2018 at 11:00am PDT
Read this precious little #Adoption book to Bo before his nap today. He certainly is my wish (and a million prayers) come true! 💙 Thank you @amillioncanaries for this sweet gift for our boy! #IWishedForYou
A post shared by Brittany Burtch (@theburtchs) on Jun 15, 2018 at 11:00am PDT
View this post on Instagram Another sweet book for adoptive families. #transracialadoption #thenewamericanfamily #adoption #idonthaveyoureyes A post shared by TheNewAmericanFamily (@thenewamericanfamily_) on Aug 9, 2016 at 11:39am PDT
Another sweet book for adoptive families. #transracialadoption #thenewamericanfamily #adoption #idonthaveyoureyes
A post shared by TheNewAmericanFamily (@thenewamericanfamily_) on Aug 9, 2016 at 11:39am PDT
We will be encouraging our children to write their own stories of what adoption looks like in their own lives. Whether they are an adopted child or a sibling of an adopted child, their perspective and story will be told in our family for years to come.
You probably know someone who has adopted a child. But despite the increasing visibility of this family-building option, there are still a lot of misconceptions about adoption and the people within the adoption triad.
There’s a lot that we can all learn about adoption. Let’s start here. Adoptive parents will thank you for learning these five things:
For that matter, it’s not a competition.
Adoption is not a consolation prize, nor is it second-best to having a biological child. Adoption is also not a point of moral superiority — adoptive parents did not “save” a child, nor are they inherently good people because they adopted.
Adoptive parents are simply people who wanted to have a child, and they happened to do that through adoption. There’s no right or wrong, better or worse way to have a family! Adoption is one wonderful option out of many.
A person’s birth parents will always be an important part of who they are, and adoptive parents love and respect that. But for some reason, there seems to be some confusion from those outside of the adoption triad about who a child’s “real parents” are.
Parents are the people who patch up scraped knees, weather temper tantrums and read the same picture book a hundred times. Families created through adoption are real parents, real children and real siblings.
They’re not being picky about semantics over nothing. It’s important that you use correct adoption language around young adoptees, because how people speak about their adoption, their birth and adoptive families and about their identity as an adoptee will partly shape how they see themselves as they grow into adulthood.
This is why adoptive parents bristle when you use words like “real parents,” “give up for adoption,” or other potentially hurtful terms. One phrase could stick with a child for life, and you’d never know. Please learn positive terminology and use it. You never know when a young adoptee is listening to you.
However, satiating your curiosity should never come at the expense of a child’s sense of security. Again, a child could be listening, and you might inadvertently say something hurtful or plain annoying out of ignorance.
When in doubt, ask — but ask privately and ask politely. Then choose your questions with some common sense. For example, adoptive parents will protect their child’s right to privacy, as well as the birth family’s privacy. If an adoptive parent declines to answer your question, that’s fine.
Not all adoptive parents dealt with infertility; some did. Not all adopted children came to their parents as a baby; some did. Not all birth families are able to have a relationship with their child and the adoptive family; some do. Not all adopted children experienced physical or emotional trauma; some did.
The point is: no two adoption stories are alike. There is no “typical” adoption, birth parent, adoptive parent, or adoptee. Making assumptions will only circulate harmful stereotypes about adoption and those involved, especially adoptees. Again, if you’d like to know an adoptive family’s story, you may ask an adoptive parent in private with an, “I’d love to hear about your family’s adoption journey, if you don’t mind sharing.” Out of respect for their child and birth family, they may choose not to share some things, but it never hurts to ask if you’re open to learning something new!
Check back at the Considering Adoption Blog to find out what adoptees want you to know and what birth mothers want you to know.
A recently settled lawsuit in Michigan now protects the rights of LGBT parents to work with state-funded adoption agencies — free of discrimination. First, a little history: Back in 2017, the ACLU sued the state of Michigan over a case where two lesbian couples claimed they were rejected as adoptive parents by a state-funded adoption agency. The couples claimed the rejection was because of their sexual orientation. Last week, on March 22, Michigan Attorney General Dana Nessel reached a settlement over the case with the ACLU — the terms of which state that faith-based, state-funded adoption agencies in Michigan can no longer be legally allowed to turn away same-sex couples or LGBTQ individuals based on religious objection. The settlement recognizes that the state’s previous law allowing for such actions on religious grounds actually violates federal anti-discrimination laws. In a statement, Nessel said, “Discrimination in the provision of foster care case management and adoption services is illegal, no matter the rationale. Limiting the opportunity for a child to be adopted or fostered by a loving home not only goes against the state’s goal of finding a home for every child, it is a direct violation of the contract every child placing agency enters into with the state.” The legal agreement requires the state to terminate any contracts with agencies that fail to comply with the non-discrimination standards, taking away state funds from professionals who continue their discriminatory practices. In response to the Michigan settlement, the ACLU released a statement, saying, “This is a victory for our clients, other same-sex couples in Michigan, and most importantly, the children in Michigan’s child welfare system, who will now have access to more loving and qualified families.” This legal move out of Michigan stands in stark contrast with many recently implemented laws across the nation. States such as Kansas and Texas have passed laws that allow state-funded, faith-based organizations to reject LGBT would-be parents on the grounds of religious beliefs. The Trump administration also recently granted a waiver to federally funded South Carolina agencies, allowing them to turn away would-be parents based on religious beliefs. Individual state rulings do more than just affect would-be LGBT adoptive parents in that state. A recent report from the Center for American Progress concludes that the increasing discrimination against LGBT parents directly impacts the number of children in state custody — many of whom are waiting for permanent homes that these parents could provide. In fact, LGBT parents are six times more likely to be raising foster children than heterosexual couples. While Michigan religious advocacy groups are already promising to challenge the settlement, there’s no denying the news out of Michigan is a great step forward for the many would-be LGBT adoptive parents who live there — and the thousands of children currently in foster care custody. While LGBT parents are federally protected in their right to adopt, their right to work with certain agencies is not. In states where laws such as Michigan’s do not exist, it’s crucial that hopeful adoptive parents seek out agencies that are LGBT-friendly and will advocate for their adoption rights every step of the way. Learn more about adopting as an LGBT individual here.
National adoption agencies are licensed and regulated by state authorities and work with pregnant mothers and adoptive families across all 50 states. These agencies do it all — they have the expertise, resources and staff to complete adoptions from start to finish. Many hopeful parents beginning the process of adopting a child are unsure of birth fathers and where they fit into the equation. You probably understand why having a lifelong relationship with your child’s birth mother whenever possible can benefit everyone involved, especially your child. But when it comes to the birth father, it may be a different story — especially if he hasn’t always been actively involved in the birth mother’s adoption plan. Sadly, birth fathers are often overlooked in the adoption process. This can be frustrating for them, but it can also be detrimental to your future child. Here are four reasons why you should keep birth fathers in mind throughout your adoption journey:
Most importantly, a birth father’s consent to adoption should never be seen as a means to an end for adoptive parents. Birth fathers, like birth mothers, are people who want the best for their child. When a birth father feels excluded from the decision-making process, he may feel that the only way to see his child is to oppose the birth mother’s adoption decision, even if he knows placement is in the best interest of everyone involved. Through greater involvement in the adoption process and by getting to know the adoptive family himself, he may feel more comfortable with adoption. When birth fathers are given the option of participating in the adoption process and in open adoption relationships, some birth fathers may feel more at ease with offering their consent.
Society often has an image of “absent fathers” — men who are uninterested in caring for their children, who are uninterested in (or even unkind to) their partners or who may withhold financial help and affection. While there are some men, including birth fathers, who do match this unfortunate description, most do not. This stereotype is harmful to men, and in particular, fathers. Most birth fathers who are aware of the birth mother’s adoption decision are very interested in the well-being of their child and love their baby, even if they’re unable to parent the baby themselves. Like birth mothers, a birth father who acknowledges that he’s unable to provide the life that he wants for his child, despite his great love for his baby, is anything but a poor parent. Additionally, birth fathers can be from all walks of life, so shake whatever image you have of birth fathers out of your mind. Many are married or in a committed relationship with the birth mother, and many are active participants in the adoption process and support the birth mother throughout their difficult adoption journey.
This man provided half of your child’s genetics. This is important for both practical and emotional reasons. As you probably know, although love makes a family, genetics are never to be ignored. Nature and nurture work in tandem. Your child may share your obsession with basketball and put their hands on their hips when he or she is frustrated, just like you do. Your child may also share his or her birth father’s talent for music, love of spicy foods and his dry sense of humor. Your child’s link to his or her birth father is also important for medical purposes. His genes and family make up half of your child’s biological medical history, which can be important for your child’s long-term health as well as for the health of their own children someday.
Without much connection to his or her birth father, your child may wonder, “Where did I get my eye color from? My birth mom has brown eyes, but I don’t.” Even if they have a relationship with their birth mother through an open adoption, your child may be curious if their birth father isn’t part of that arrangement, which is only natural. Beyond getting answers to those small but important questions, adoptees can benefit from a relationship with their birth father the same way that they do with their birth mother. Every birth parent in every adoption situation is going to have a different relationship with their child after an adoption. But if your child’s birth parents are interested in having a relationship, seize that opportunity. If your child’s birth father is willing to be a part of his or her life, remember that this could be a very important relationship for your child. Adoptees at any age have a right to know their personal history and to have a relationship with their birth parents if they’re willing (and when appropriate). Whether or not he’s in the picture, every time you speak to your child about adoption, talk about their birth father like you do their birth mother: with respect and love. If you need help finding ways to include your child’s birth father before, during or after the adoption, reach out to your adoption specialist for advice.
