It feels like we all just did this financial dance, but tax season is here again. For many adoptive families, that means taking advantage of the Adoption Tax Credit. Here’s what you need to know about this benefit, and how it can help your family:
The purpose of the Federal Adoption Tax Credit is to help offset some of the financial burden of adoption for families, which, as you likely know, can be very costly.
The tax credit is one way that federal and state governments try to help keep adoption affordable for families. It’s an important financial resource, particularly for the families who struggle to afford this family-building option and for the children who are in need of adoptive families.
If you paid “qualifying adoption expenses” in 2018, you may be eligible to benefit from the Adoption Tax Credit. The credit is nonrefundable, so it only benefits individuals with tax liability (taxes owed).
Some of the “qualified adoption expenses” that the IRS would deem eligible include:
So, if you paid any of those expenses in 2018, you may be eligible to claim the Adoption Tax Credit.
If you work for a company that has adoption benefits and you used those employer-provided benefits to reimburse adoption expenses this year, you likely won’t be eligible for the Adoption Tax Credit, although you should check with your tax professional to be sure in your situation.
There’s also an income limit on the tax credit based on modified adjusted gross income (MAGI). For 2018, the maximum amount available begins to phase out for families who earn more than $207,580. The income limit is recalculated every year to account for the current cost of living.
Some families are filing taxes while they’re waiting for their child’s adoption to be finalized, so they don’t have their child’s social security number yet. You’ll still likely be eligible for the 2018 Adoption Tax Credit. You can apply for a temporary tax identification number for your baby if you’re unable to receive his or her SSN prior to filing your taxes.
The maximum amount available for the 2018 Federal Adoption Tax Credit is $13,840 per child.
If you adopted a child from foster care, or a child that the state would define as special needs or hard-to-place, then the credit may remain flat for you regardless of expenses, allowing you to claim as much as possible.
Some states offer an additional tax credit to local adoptive families. That amount, and eligibility requirements, will vary by state.
You can learn more about how to file for the Adoption Tax Credit on the IRS’ website, and you can find the form there, as well.
If you need help sorting out whether or not you’re eligible for the 2018 Adoption Tax Credit, or if you need help filing for this benefit, talking to a qualified tax professional will always be your best option. (Remember, while we hope you found this post helpful, it is not a substitute for professional tax advice!) Happy filing!
Share to spread the word about the benefits of the Adoption Tax Credit, and to help keep adoption affordable for families.
In the first two parts of this article series, I defined trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and offered examples from my personal life to show that choosing adoption does not mean that a birth mother is guaranteed to suffer trauma. Here’s what I want you to know: The perception of trauma is in the eye of the beholder. Every adoption situation is different. Every prospective birth mother has different relationship dynamics to consider. No adoption situation and the circumstances surrounding it are the same. Therefore, it cannot be concluded that adoption is a guaranteed trauma. There are many different responses to trauma of all degrees. Some people may feel the effects of the trauma for a few days or weeks after the event but be able to recover rather quickly after. For others, the traumatic event may haunt them and develop into PTSD. So, what can those suffering from the aftermath of trauma, especially in adoption, do to help themselves?
For any birth mother dealing with trauma surrounding their adoption, I encourage you to first and foremost speak with a mental health professional. Only a mental health professional will be able to accurately assess your level of emotional, mental, and physical pain. Make sure you find a mental health professional who you feel comfortable with, whom you can trust, and whom you can be honest with. It is only through complete transparency that a good mental health professional will be able to accurately diagnose you. Once you have a diagnosis, treatment can begin, and you can start working toward leading to a life of fulfillment and joy. How to Cope with Birth Mother Trauma Here are a few tips for those suffering the effects of trauma and/or PTSD:
If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or others, get help immediately. You can always call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1-800-273-8255.
If you are a birth mother suffering the effects of trauma or PTSD from choosing adoption, I want to share a word of encouragement with you: Nothing will so much ensure that I continue to walk a path of healing more than the love that I have for my son. One day, my son may need his birth mother, and when that day comes, I will be ready. One day, I may decide to have other children of my own who will need me, and I want to be there for them. Today, my friends and family need me to be healthy and happy so that I can be there for them. Most importantly, I desire a life that I find worth living, and I can only do that when I put in the hard work. The hardest work brings about the best results. So, never give up on yourself or the path of healing that you may be on. I am positive that you will have moments when you want to give up, but just remember: This too shall pass. You will get through it. I can say that because I have been through hell and back and come out the other side. It is always darkest before the dawn, so have faith that it will get better. It may not get easier in every way, but it will always get better. Please, I beg you, do not be afraid to ask for help. Whether it’s one friend, or a whole support group — if you need help, ask for it. You are worth it, even if you don’t feel like you are.
There have been many times on my healing journey in which I have struggled to find a steady place of peace, but I have yet to give up. Now, I have the privilege and pleasure of helping other birth mothers, just by sharing my own personal story. With every struggle, I can write another chapter that can bring hope to someone else. If you ever feel alone, just remember: If I can get through choosing adoption in the face of great obstacles, you can get through whatever it is that you are going through! This article is not intended to serve as medical advice. Please speak with a medical professional if you have concerns regarding your mental health. Read Part One of this article series: “Is Adoption a Trauma?” Read Part Two of this article series: “Adoption and a PTSD Diagnosis.” ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption seven years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
In Part 1 of this article series, I offered a definition of trauma and explained how a traumatic event is a perception of that occurrence. The conclusion that I arrived at was that adoption is not a guaranteed traumatic event. While there may be a grief process after placement, that does not mean that every birth mother will experience her adoption decision as a trauma. Keep in mind there are many other related dynamics and circumstances that surround adoption for every birth mother. For example, I struggled with feeling abandoned by some of my friends and family members. Those losses were traumatic to me, but the adoption itself was not. While I still grieve the loss of my role as a custodial and legal mother to my child, I have experienced intense psychological symptoms from being disowned by a great portion of my family. This brings us to a discussion of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is what happens to the brain after a traumatic event occurs and it is unable to process that trauma in a healthy and healing way.
Before we get into the definition of PTSD, it’s important to know something about the overseeing organization. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) reviews mental health issues and determines the definitions, descriptions, and diagnostic information for every mental illness. In 2013, the APA put out a new mental illness manual — the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, also known as the DSM-5. In previous editions of this manual, the APA categorized PTSD as an anxiety disorder. As of the last revision in 2013, the updated DSM-5 now characterizes PTSD as its own diagnosis, instead of falling under the umbrella of anxiety disorder. Today, PTSD is defined and characterized by the DSM-5 as a situation in which:
In other words, PTSD is when a person’s brain cannot process trauma, and the person suffers long-term because of it. There are mixed opinions on whether a person can heal from PTSD, or if it may just go into remission. Regardless, a sufferer of PTSD does not wish to continue suffering and will ultimately find ways to cope, whether through healthy or unhealthy means. If you suspect you may be suffering from PTSD, please seek diagnosis and treatment from a medical professional promptly.
Remember, if trauma is an event of perception, and every human has a different way of processing a traumatic event, then it cannot be concluded that adoption is or is not a traumatic event in and of itself. Trauma is experienced differently by every individual, so whether a prospective birth sees adoption as a trauma is up to that woman and her brain. Perhaps she ends up seeing her choice for adoption as traumatic but does not carry it with her in the form of PTSD. Perhaps a birth mother does not see adoption as traumatic at all and chooses adoption with a fulfillment of satisfaction and peace. Therefore, adoption itself is not traumatizing; the level of possible trauma is left in the eye of the beholder. If trauma is experienced from choosing adoption, then, depending on a birth mother’s response, it may or may not develop into PTSD.
I have read many anti-adoption stories from birth mothers who have a biased view on adoption based on their own traumatic experience with it. These stories break my heart because I know the hearts of these birth mothers are broken. Every time I come across one of these articles, I pray that the author finds peace within herself. I pray that she find her very own unique and fulfilling path of healing. I believe that every adoption experience is different for every birth mother and that I cannot judge another’s adoption experience through my own experience. As an advocate for birth mothers and healing for ourselves after placement, I find the discussion of trauma and PTSD as it pertains to choosing adoption as a paramount topic that I have yet to address specifically. So here I am, a woman dealing with PTSD from recent and past events, detailing certain conditions and circumstances surrounding my own adoption decision, tackling this important subject in this three-part series. In recent decades, PTSD has become a more frequently discussed topic in society, and treatment and coping methods are more widespread throughout the country than ever before. In Part 3 of this article series, I will discuss healthy coping mechanisms for trauma and PTSD, offer additional healing resources for birth mothers, and offer a personal statement for other birth mothers suffering from any trauma associated with an adoption decision. This article is not intended to serve as medical advice. Please speak with a medical professional if you have concerns regarding your mental health. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption seven years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
These are some of the questions I find myself silently asking lately. I haven’t had contact with my son’s parents in months, have been dealing with some serious personal issues, and have been feeling as if the brokenness in my soul will never heal. To cope with some of the pain that I am experiencing, I thought it might be helpful to gain some insight into trauma, PTSD, and how such circumstances can affect birth mothers. As a birth mother of more than eight years, I have suffered from PTSD — but not from choosing adoption alone. There were quite a few personal relationships that ended for me as a result of choosing adoption, and I have found this challenging to heal from. I have also suffered many traumatic situations over my lifetime and am constantly seeking out ways to heal in the hopes that I can become a productive member of society. The truth is: I have come quite far in my healing process and feel extremely blessed when I get to share my hope with others. However, like many women, I am my own worst critic. Sometimes I struggle to acknowledge how far I have come, I am constantly reminded to treat myself with the kindness that My Creator would show me, which means being patient with myself. Eight years after choosing adoption, a lifetime later, however far away it seems, however close it seems, I still have good days and I still have bad days.
There can be a great deal of talk about how adoption and trauma are related — not just for birth mothers but for adoptees, as well. Before I dive into that topic, it’s important that we all understand exactly what trauma is. The Center for Anxiety Disorders defines trauma as “a psychological, emotional response to an event or an experience that is deeply distressing or disturbing.” Trauma can be in response to something minor, like an accident or an illness, or something major, such as rape or torture. A broad trauma definition is more of a guideline; as the Center states, “everyone processes a traumatic event differently because we all face them through the lens of prior experiences in our lives.” Basically, there are endless possibilities of events, different stressors for different people, and multiple perspectives on the same event that can cause trauma. For example, let’s look at a car accident. I witnessed the aftermath of a car accident recently. I saw the two girls in one car get out of their car and heard them screaming. I saw the old man in the other car sitting in his car, too shocked to get out. It was a bit more than a fender bender, but nobody was hurt. However, there were more people involved in that accident than just those in their vehicles. There were those who witnessed the accident, those who came upon the scene after hearing the crash like myself, onlookers in traffic trying to get a peek of what had happened, the first responders who came to help, and the family and friends who came on scene to support those who were involved. Is a fender bender or a car accident a traumatic event? The answer: It might be.
Trauma is a perceived reaction to an event. I was not traumatized at all by the fender bender I came upon. I was able to get the girls and the old man who were involved in the crash out of the street and onto the side of the road. I was able to sit with the girls while they struggled to catch their breath and to reach a conscious state of reality while fighting off the shock. I was upset, but I have found that remembering that situation has made me grateful that I was able to offer a helping hand. However, the two young girls had just experienced their first car accident, no matter how small it may have seemed to me. One of the girls was gasping for her breath in a state of panic and shock, while the other girl was repeatedly thanking me for staying by her side. This “fender bender” was clearly a traumatic event for those girls, the old man, perhaps the witness and the onlookers, and maybe even the first responders. However, many of us were not in shock, did not find the accident traumatizing, and only just wanted to help how we could.
So, what makes something traumatic to one person, but not to another? Perhaps one day science will explain how the human brain perceives one event and not another as traumatic, but this isn’t yet possible today. When an event is perceived as traumatic by a person, this means that it has impacted the person’s brain in a way that shall be imprinted for some period. It may be a few days that these girls decide they will stay away from a vehicle but then find the courage to face the fear that they will wreck again within a few days. Or, perhaps these girls decide that they will never be able to safely drive a vehicle again.
As a birth mother, I can tell you that there were many occurrences throughout my adoption process that I found traumatic. However, most of these occurrences involved members of my family and loved ones provoking feelings of loss. I had much to grieve after my adoption decision. Not only was I trying to process and grieve the loss of my role as a mother and the physical removal of my son, but I had many friends and family members who turned their backs on me. In the moments when those I loved told me they would no longer support me, I felt as if a knife had been stabbed into my heart and then twisted to bring the point home even further. For me, it was not the adoption itself that caused trauma but the events surrounding my adoption decision.
If you are a woman considering adoption who is concerned about feeling traumatized because of choosing adoption, I encourage you to reach out to those who will support you in an adoption decision. Many adoption agencies offer pregnancy counseling and can give you an idea of what the adoption process looks like. This way, you can prepare yourself before making the decision. Your pregnancy counselor, and even your assigned adoption professional, can also help you navigate conversations with difficult friends and family members. Remember, just because an occurrence may seem traumatic at the time does not mean that the memory will haunt your forever. There are different levels of trauma in each situation for every individual. In the next article in this series, I will discuss PTSD. This discussion will include what PTSD is, how it is diagnosed, and how to cope with symptoms while it is active. Of course, just as in the car accident that I witnessed the aftermath of, not every traumatic situation brings about a traumatic response in the individual. Every person is different and will have different reactions that may or may not trigger long-lasting trauma. Therefore, now knowing the definition of trauma and the reality that trauma is a perception of an event, it cannot be concluded that choosing adoption means that a birth mother will be traumatized or that PTSD is inevitable. Every woman is different. I highly recommend that every woman considering adoption consult with a pregnancy counselor through her adoption agency to prepare for the adoption process and to help decide if adoption is the right decision for her. This article is not intended to serve as medical advice. Please speak with a medical professional if you have concerns regarding your mental health. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption seven years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
What do you think of when the term “birth mother” comes to mind? Do you think positive thoughts about a woman who sacrificed herself for her baby? Or do you think of the young girl who wasn’t mature enough to parent?
There are so many stereotypes surrounding what makes a woman a true birth mother — but there is no exact image of a birth mother, because every mother is different. Likewise, there are a variety of circumstances in which a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy might find herself before making a decision to put her baby up for adoption.
It is never our place to judge such decisions or circumstances, as we never know how hard a mother’s path really is. Birth mothers come in all demographics, with different levels of support, different types of post-placement agreements, and more.
Here are just five of the different types of birth mothers that I have met since I have begun my own walk as a birth mother:
I happened to have been a single mother when I found out I was pregnant. It was a very scary time for me. I was dating someone I barely knew who was the father of this child that I was going to be responsible for. I choose adoption because it was the best choice for myself and my baby.
This is just one example of a situation a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy may find herself in. There are so many myths that need to be debunked surrounding women who face unplanned pregnancies when they are single. The only way to dispel such myths is to educate your sphere of influence, starting with yourself.
Yes, it is possible for married woman who are pregnant to choose adoption. Sometimes birth fathers are supportive, while in other cases they are not. I have met women who were married at the time of choosing adoption, and they have wonderful open adoption with their children and their spouse.
Here we have society’s favorite stereotype of birth mothers: the girl who got pregnant too young who “should have known better.” While this may at times be the case, I cannot say that I agree this is always a teenage birth mother’s situation. Many young women I have met who faced unplanned pregnancies were at least making an effort to avoid pregnancy, and a few of them are even with their partners a decade later.
While adoption is a decision that should always belong to a prospective birth mother, that is not always the case with younger birth mothers. If you are a minor, make sure you are familiar with your state’s consent laws when it comes to choosing adoption for your baby.
I hate to say that this has been the case many times when it comes to women choosing adoption. I met a young woman who shared her story with me of how her parents ripped her baby from her when she was 14-years-old. I couldn’t imagine being in her shoes or her parents’ shoes for one second.
It’s important to know that not every adoption is “voluntary.” These situations are heartbreaking, but the truth is — they happen.
After choosing adoption, many women these days opt for an open adoption with their baby. In an open adoption, a birth mother has direct contact with her children after placement while he or she is growing up. It’s an amazing experience for any woman to have.
There are so many types of birth mothers, so what should we think of when we think of “birth mother”? Whatever you do, don’t make any assumptions about how a birth mother feels about her adoption. Let her be the one to tell you how she feels and allow her to express those feelings freely and without judgement.
When you speak of birth mothers in general to others, do not make assumptions and fall back on societal stereotypes. No matter what our circumstances are, birth mothers have one thing in common that we can all claim to be true: we love the child we choose adoption for.
~Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption seven years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Pineapples and flamingos, laughter and tears, strangers and camaraderie — this is just a sample of what was found in the 2018 BirthMom Buds Annual Birth Mothers’ Retreat. Birth mothers from all walks of life and across the nation gathered to celebrate the one thing they all share: the fact that every woman had placed a child for adoption.
Whether a woman attends the retreat every year and knows all the familiar faces or she is a newcomer who is anxious about making friends, the welcome provided by this retreat is exhilarating. I should know; I was there.
As a birthmother who attended the retreat in 2018 for the first time, I found friendships that will last a lifetime and discovered truths about myself that I will cherish forever. As I waited for the retreat to begin, I reflected on my own loneliness in being a birth mother. As I left the weekend festivities, I was overwhelmed with the love I received from so many other birth mothers.
Of course, this weekend event would not have been possible without the hard work and dedication of the founders of BirthMom Buds. I would like to introduce you all to one of them: Coley Strickland, birth mother of 16 years. I recently spoke with this amazingly strong birth mother and newfound dear friend of mine to learn more about her organization and its mission:
Lindsay: What is BirthMom Buds?
Coley: BMB is a web-based, not-for-profit organization that provides support to pregnant women considering adoption as well as birth mothers who have placed children for adoption.
L: What does BMB do for birth mothers?
C: We provide support through many different programs. Our biggest event and program is our Annual Birth Mothers’ Retreat. Each year the weekend before Mother’s Day, birth mothers gather in Charlotte, North Carolina, for a weekend full of support and healing.
We also have a few live chapters.
You can find a list of the organization’s other programs here.
L: Why do you feel your work is important in terms of where society stands with adoption today?
C: Although adoption is coming a bit more to the forefront in terms of choices, it is still often presented as the last choice for pregnant women considering adoption, and many birth mothers still feel shunned. BMB provides birth mothers with support so that they can heal and helps empower them with the self-confidence to educate others about adoption and birth mothers.
L: What are the roots of BMB?
C: In September of 2001, I placed a sweet baby boy in an open adoption directly following his birth. Although I knew adoption was the right choice for myself at that time, I still struggled with the emotions of giving birth and going home empty-handed and broken-hearted while someone else was raising my baby.
Sleepless one night, I turned on my computer and began typing different adoption-related words into a search engine. I was desperately looking for someone to talk with who might understand my pain. I came across many websites for adoptive parents but few for birth parents. Finally, I stumbled across an “Is anyone out there post?” on an adoption forum written by another birth mother named Leilani. I replied, and we began chatting via email. Leilani’s daughter was born and placed in an open adoption just four days before my son, which just happened to be my birthday.
At first all we talked about was adoption — she understood what I was thinking before I could even get the words out of my mouth. Since our babies were the same age, we were experiencing many of the same emotions and feelings at the same time. As time went on, our friendship strengthened and became about so much more than adoption; she is now truly my best friend. As we watched our birth children grow from a distance, our emotional pain began to lessen. We still had bad days, and we had not forgotten our children. But we were trying to move forward. We both knew we were making it through that grief because we had each other to lean on. We did not want others to have to go through all the searching that we did in order to find a friend who understood.
Based on that principle, together in February of 2003, Leilani and I started BirthMom Buds. We wanted birth mothers to have a safe haven so they could find other birth mothers and discuss their feelings. BMB provides birth mothers with an outlet, a way to meet other birth mothers, a means to begin healing, and much more. Our members range from teens to women in their sixties who placed during the “baby scoop” era.
L: Why do you feel like BMB is an important organization?
C: Being a birth mom is not easy. It can often be a lonely, hard road, and support is so needed. BMB provides that support.
L: Have you ever regretted your adoption decision?
C: I know I made the best decision I could at that time in my life with the knowledge I had at that moment and time. That doesn’t mean I haven’t had “what if’s” over the years though.
L: I know other birth mothers ask “what-if?” questions, too. If you are comfortable sharing, what are some of yours?
C: They change from the different seasons of life, but I think the biggest, most constant ones have always been the following: What if I had parented him? How would his life be different? How would my life be different?
L: What has your healing journey after adoption looked like?
C: I initially tried therapy not long after placing my son for adoption as I was struggling with emotions, postpartum grief, and moving forward. I didn’t benefit much from therapy and thought maybe therapy just wasn’t for me, but after talking with other birth mothers, I’ve realized I just didn’t have the right therapist for me and my situation. But I have healed through helping other birth moms through BirthMom Buds, talking with other birth moms, and writing about adoption and birth mothers.
L: What type of post-placement relationship do you have with your child, and why did you choose that path?
C: We have always had an open adoption. I had no clue what open adoption was until I met my son’s adoptive mom and she told me about open adoption. She explained that she thought it was best for all involved and, once I learned why, I agreed as well.
L: What is the best adoption memory you have?
C: When my son was about 7 or 8, his sister was playing in a softball tournament near me. I picked him up that morning and along with my husband and parented son, we spent the entire day together. We just hung out at our house, went to the pumpkin patch, played at the park, ate ice cream, and so much more. It was such a special day and one that always lives on in my heart.
—
No matter what your adoption journey looks like, you are not walking it alone. Women like Strickland and other birth mothers can be found in places that you may not expect. There are many people who walk in and out of our lives every day who have somehow been touched by adoption. If you are feeling alone on your adoption healing journey as a birth mother, consider coming to the Annual Birth Mothers’ Retreat in 2019, organized by BirthMom Buds.
Thank you, Coley, for giving us a greater insight into your life as a birth mother and for everything you do for birth mothers across the country!
-Lindsay Arielle
“Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses.” – Alphonse Karr
I experienced the scare of facing an unplanned pregnancy when I was in college and newly single. I was in no way prepared for the ride I was about to go on. It started with empty promises, continued on to parenthood for six months, led to feelings of betrayal and emotional pain, and ended with an amazing adoption experience. I chose adoption for my son when he was six months old. It was the greatest decision I’ve ever made, and the hardest decision I have ever made. When my son entered into this world, my life was forever changed for the good. My heart is larger. Forgiveness comes easier. My faith is stronger. The list goes on and on. I am forever grateful for the most amazing gift in my life: the gift of my son whom I chose to place up for adoption.
No matter how for along in a pregnancy a woman is, or regardless of how young her child is, adoption is an option for any expectant or current mother. Adoption is an option that brings with it amazing opportunities, but also feelings of grief. I went through quite the roller coaster ride when it came to becoming a mother and then choosing adoption. However, I wouldn’t trade my experience with anything in the world. I have experienced pain and heartbreak on a level that many may not even begin to comprehend. As a birth mother, I walk a path of healing to cope with loss, grief, and betrayal as the result of choosing adoption. Yet, it is because of all of these things that seem so negative that I have great joy!
I chose adoption because I knew it was the best decision for myself and my child. I knew that I wasn’t ready to be a parent, and six months of parenting proved that I wasn’t ready, but I still knew that I had the ability to give my child a different and better life. The way that I chose to give my child the life he deserves was by placing him for adoption. Due to all the pain that I have felt, I now experience the good on an explosive level. When I feel joy, it is a great joy. My life has gone from daily pain in the beginning of post-placement life to an incredibly fulfilling adventure. I have contact with my son in the form of mail, phone calls, and physical visits. I have a healthy relationship with the child who I placed for adoption and his parents as well. I have what I consider a “fairy tale” adoption story.
I have also grown to become a loving, dependable, and independent woman. I have a family today that I love deeply, which includes a husband, step children and a dog. I am living my dream of working on a career as a writer. I love my work, and it rarely feels like a job. I am blessed to spend my working hours writing about what I am passionate about as well: helping other women to walk a path of spiritual healing. It is a perk that I have found a topic that I can pour my heart and soul into: being a birth mother after making an adoption decision. For the most part, I love my life today.
None of my achievements would have been possible if it hadn’t been for my son. I was having a really hard time finding my path in life before I found out I was pregnant. I had just joined a 12-step program to help me work out some issues I was facing at the time, and had only been walking that path for six months. However, what I thought was the end of my world turned out to be the beginning of it. Without my son coming into my life, I have no idea if I would be on a happy and healthy path or not. There is no way for us to rewind the clocks and make our decisions differently, but there is a way to avoid feelings of regret.
I am a firm believer in being grateful for what you have and avoiding the experience of regret by utilizing healing tools. Being grateful for my child has been my state of being from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I knew this little life was going to change my life somehow, but I didn’t know what that would look like. I have always made the best decisions I can in my life. I have tried to be a good person, a strong woman, and a loving confidant. Every decision I have made has had good intentions behind it, regardless of the outcome. I did not make my adoption decision lightly. I did the best with what I could do at the time, and I know that now. It has taken time for me to process my feelings of loss and walk through my grief, but I can say that I have never regretted my adoption decision.
If you are a woman who is struggling to move forward in the healing process after choosing adoption, please remember this: Every step we take in another chance to change our lives. No matter what you have been through, how it has or hasn’t damaged you, or what decisions you have made, you can always begin to walk a path of healing at any point in your walk. One step at a time is how I got here, and one step at a time is how you will be able to make things better for yourself. My son is the greatest accomplishment in my life, the best thing that has ever entered my life, and the greatest gift God could have given me.
If you are a woman considering adoption, but afraid of how being a birth mother will cause you emotional pain, please be encouraged. There are more and more resources popping up to help birth mothers walk a path of healing. There are online forums, blogs and articles, support groups, counselors, etc. that you can utilize to help you process the negative emotions and truly enjoy the positive emotions. If you don’t know where to turn, start with an adoption agency. Give an adoption agency a call and tell them how you are feeling and that you are considering adoption. They should be able to connect you with the resources they have available through their organization.
If you don’t have a local agency you would like to use, please consider calling a national adoption agency like American Adoptions. They have many resources for birth mothers not only during the adoption decision and process, but for post-placement life as well. Adoption specialists are standing by 24/7 at 1-800-ADOPTION. Don’t hesitate to call. Your life can change for the better today. Be blessed and happy holidays!
