“Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. The more you express gratitude for what you have, the more likely you will have even more to express gratitude for.” —Zig Ziglar
Gratitude is an amazing and wondrous emotion. It can combat depression and negativity, and bring us experiences of joy and fulfillment. Gratitude also encourages us to act in happy and healthy ways that include helping others. I am grateful this holiday season for the couple who adopted my child. Not only do I love them dearly, but I also feel gratitude toward them for what they have done and are doing for myself and for my child. I will forever remain and grow in gratitude for my son’s parents.
Choosing an adoptive family is one of the most exciting parts of the adoption process. A prospective birth mother can find an adoptive family by utilizing the resources provided by an adoption agency. An adoption professional will work with a prospective birth mother on her adoption plan, which will include a description on what she is looking for in a potential adoptive family. After viewing these adoptive family profiles, a prospective birth mother will choose which prospective adoptive couple she would like to meet. If the meeting goes well, an expectant mother will spend time getting to know the adoptive family to determine if this is who she will desire to place her child with.
In my adoption situation, I was rushed to choose an adoptive family and place my son due to my personal circumstances. I had a very specific image in my mind of the life that I wanted my son to have with another family and wasn’t willing to compromise on certain aspects of that vision. I will never forget the adoptive family profile that I chose, and the smiles on my son’s now-parents’ faces. I will never forget meeting my son’s mother for the first time. The wonder of choosing an adoptive family is immense, and the final decision making of that choice was incredibly rewarding for me. I had found my son’s forever parents, and I was elated!
If you are a woman considering adoption and want to browse adoptive family profiles, check with your local adoption agency, or consider calling a national adoption agency. Many adoption agencies have online adoptive family profiles that can be viewed before committing to a specific adoption agency. The decision of choosing who will raise your child is just as important as the initial decision of adoption. Don’t settle for anything less than what you know in your heart is best for your child. Don’t let anyone tell you not to listen to your motherly instincts when it comes to this decision. Remember, you are making a lifelong decision for your child.
I will never forget the feeling I had when I knew in my heart and in my gut that the adoptive couple I chose was the right choice for myself and my child. I was crying and laughing with joy. I called a friend and exclaimed, “I’ve found them and they are perfect!” Of course, they are not perfect people, but they are perfect for my son and I. I pray that every prospective birth mother experiences the gratitude that I felt that day, and still feel today for my son’s parents.
While there have been bumps along the way, I am ever so grateful for the relationship that I have with my son’s parents. They love me dearly and I not only know it, but I feel it. They send me gifts to express that love, they tell me they love me, and they are genuine in their expressions of that love. I am so blessed to have my son’s parents in my life. They are truly amazing parents, and they are doing an amazing job raising my son. I cannot wait to see what else the future holds for our relationship!
If you are looking for an adoptive family and don’t know where to turn, feel free to contact an adoption professional today. Adoption specialists are standing by and would be honored to help any prospective birth mother find an adoptive family for her child. Choosing adoption is the greatest sacrifice of love, and it can also be incredible painful. However, I have a great sense of peace knowing that my son is where he was always meant to be: with his parents. There is nothing I could say that would begin to acknowledge the gratitude that I have for the couple who adopted my child.
This is the eleventh post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for the final installation.
~Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption seven years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
“Sometimes we should express our gratitude for the small and simple things like the scent of the rain, the taste of your favorite food, or the sound of a loved one’s voice.” – Joseph B. Wirthlin
Someone once told me to look for the “little miracles” in my life. As I went through my day, I was to look for every opportunity to be grateful. At the time, I was in the beginning of my healing process after choosing adoption. I desperately needed to find things to be grateful for to combat the depression I was living in at the time. So, I followed their instruction and began finding more and more things I could be grateful for. One of the greatest “little miracles” I have ever experienced have been the bits of communication I have had with my son over the years. I chose an open adoption, in which I have contact with the child whom I placed for adoption. During this Christmas, I am incredibly grateful for the open adoption that I have with my son and his parents.
An open adoption is an option for any woman facing an unplanned pregnancy who is considering adoption. There are three types of adoption: open, semi-open, and closed adoptions. In a closed adoption, there is no communication between a birth mother and her child during his or her upbringing. In a semi-open adoption, there is a great level of privacy, as an adoption agency mediates all communication between a birth mother and her child that she placed for adoption. In an open adoption, a birth mother communicates directly with the adoptive parents and her child while he or she is growing up. An open adoption varies when it comes to the type and frequency of communication that she has with her child and his or her parents.
I knew when I began considering adoption that I would want an open adoption. In fact, that was a deal breaker for me. I had raised my son for six months, and I couldn’t even begin to imagine not having communication with him while he was growing up. The adoption agency that I chose to work with facilitated many successful open adoptions, and they were able to choose adoptive family profiles with families who were interested in a high level of communication with an open adoption. The adoptive family that I chose agreed that we would have frequent contact, as often as annual visits and bi-annual updates. We came up with a post-placement agreement that included the minimum communication requirements that we would have while my son was growing up; however, we have more communication than what was originally outlined in this agreement.
The reason that I am grateful for my open adoption is mostly for the sake of my son. My son is growing up knowing that he is adopted. His parents answer all of his questions he has about where he came from and who his birth parents are. He doesn’t ask a lot of questions, as far as I know, but the ones he does ask are being answered. My son’s adoptive parents are amazing at not only loving me, but allowing my son to love me as well. Over the past seven years of my open adoption, I have had the joy of watching my son grow up in a happy and healthy and loving environment. I enjoy immensely the communication that we have. I am able to speak with my son on most holidays. We have annual visits. I send gifts to my son and his parents, and they send me gifts as well. We are family.
The adoption triad includes birth parents, adoptive parents, and the child who was placed for adoption. Every adoption triad has different dynamics. Some open adoptions use pictures and letters for communication. Others include physical visits. Some hold phone calls. Every open adoption situation is different and beautiful in its own right. Navigating an open adoption has its ups and downs, as every relationship does. The downs may seem frustrating and emotional at times, but with a solid foundation of transparency and respect, the adoption triad can get through these times and come out with a stronger relationship dynamic. In the good times, I recommend just enjoying the ride and appreciating every moment of communication. Even though bad times will happen, every member of the adoption triad can embrace these times and know that they can come out of them stronger together if they so choose.
If you are a woman considering adoption, consider an open adoption. Not only will you find communication with your child joyful and fulfilling, you will also give your child the opportunity to have a happy and healthy birth parent experience in reference to their adoption. I am a firm believer that if we raise our children to believe adoption is normal, then they will grow up to embrace their past, instead of suffering from any potential trauma. If you are considering choosing an open adoption and have questions about what that might look like for you, please contact an adoption professional today. Be encouraged! While adoption is the hardest decision I have ever made, my open adoption is part of why it is the best decision I could have ever made.
This is the tenth post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
“No matter what our circumstances, we can find a reason to be thankful.” – Dr. David Jeremiah
I didn’t grow up with a faith in God. I was exposed to religion, but it took years into my adult life before I was able to embrace a belief in Him. I had a lot of childhood issues to overcome before I was able to even begin believing that there was a Higher Power who loved me. With my faith as small as a mustard seed to start, I walked out my journey with Him, and my belief grew into a real faith in Him. No matter what I go through, I will always have my faith. I had my faith when I made my adoption decision. I struggled a lot in my belief at that time, but nevertheless I was able to pull through and commence a journey of healing. No matter what it is that you believe in, you can always use your faith to walk you through during an adoption decision, the adoption process, and coping with life after placement.
Faith is not a complicated concept; however, as humans, we tend to find ways to complicate. I was taught that all I had to do was turn the door handle to a belief in a Higher Power, and that cracking that door would be enough to begin growing what would eventually turn into a faith in God. Not everyone believes what I believe. I am a born-again Christian. Regardless of whether you subscribe to the belief that Jesus died for our sins or not, you still have values that you hold true to in life. It is in those values that we can find a faith to guide us on our life path and carry us through the hard times. It is even possible, through faith, to embrace the pain and be grateful for how that pain will ultimately mold us to become better versions of ourselves.
In my experience, having a belief in something is a great start, but a belief itself will not sustain life. We have to see the evidence of that belief backed up in our lives. Once we begin to choose to see the little miracles that take place in our lives, that is when our faith will begin to take root and grow. Sometimes, we have to face old belief systems that were instilled in us as children before we can move into our own personal faith.
For example, I have struggled with feelings of unworthiness since I was a child, and those feelings came up after I chose adoption. I felt shame regarding adoption that I couldn’t make sense of. It wasn’t until I began walking a path of healing that I realized my feelings of unworthiness as a child were expressing themselves while I was going through the adoption process.
I have had to face childhood issues as I become aware of them on my path of healing as a birth mother. It turns out the shame I felt while going through the adoption process had more to do with me feeling unlovable as a little girl rather than reflecting that I felt I ashamed for choosing adoption. Until we can face the root cause of our pain, we will be blinded to the real reason for it.
The reason that I am grateful for my faith when it comes to having chosen adoption is that faith is what got me through. I believed, and still believe, that adoption was the best decision for myself and for my child. There were so many signs of confirmation that I have received over the years to back that up. During the adoption process, I experienced a wide variety of emotions. The only way I could cope with it at the time was to rely on my faith. That little mustard seed that I planted years prior would come to be the bit of belief that I needed to rely on while going through the adoption process.
Even after going through the entire adoption process through finalization, I still had a lot of emotions and grief to process. I ended up diving even deeper into my faith. I wanted to know more about God, why He loved me, and how he could ever allow me to experience pain. I have asked the tough questions that we all have about our faith. While I don’t have the answers, I do have a sense of peace in not needing the answers. Spirituality holds many mysteries that the human brain cannot even begin to unravel. For the most part, faith simply means accepting that the unknown is unknown, and not giving up as a result of not knowing.
If you are a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy and considering adoption, or if you are a woman going through the adoption process, or if you are already a birth mother, remember: Faith starts with a belief the size of a tiny mustard seed. As long as you start somewhere, your belief can grow into a faith. While I know that religion is a hot button topic for some, I want to be clear that I am not trying to push my faith on anyone. No matter what you believe in, and no matter what your faith is in, remain true to it. Our faith is not tested in times of rest and contentment, it is truly revealed to us during the hard times. Take heart, birth mother, for with your faith you are never alone!
This is the ninth post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
“This a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.” – Maya Angelou
As a woman who chose adoption after facing an unplanned pregnancy and single motherhood for an additional six months, I find myself grateful for those who walked with me through the adoption process. To this day, I remember my adoption attorney fondly. He was an older gentleman who specialized in tough open adoption cases in which the birth father contested the adoption. My adoption agency respected him, and he had successfully facilitated many adoptions.
Considering adoption? I highly recommend an adoption attorney be hired as soon as possible. Don’t forget to thank him or her for all they do for you along the way. I will be forever grateful to my adoption attorney for ensuring a successful open adoption for my son, his parents, and myself.
An attorney who chooses to facilitate voluntary adoptions will know the laws in your state regarding the termination of parental rights and another family adopting a child. The first step in the adoption process, after making the decision, includes finding an adoption attorney along with an adoption specialist to help guide a prospective birth mother through the adoption process. State laws regarding adoption will include what financial assistance a prospective birth mother can receive, how a birth father is to be legally handled and communicated with, court preceding requirements, relinquishment guidelines, etc. Since adoption law is so specific, and varies from state to state, it is crucial that a woman considering adoption consult with an attorney as soon as possible.
My son’s birth father decided to contest the adoption, which I knew he would do. My adoption professional, the agency’s adoption director, and myself held a meeting to create a legal plan to ensure success. Of course, without my adoption attorney leading the charge, we would not have known what steps we needed to take for the adoption to proceed. This is just one example of the many mountains we had to climb throughout the legal process in my adoption. If it weren’t for my adoption attorney and my team of adoption professionals, I don’t know that my adoption would have been successful.
If you are a woman considering adoption, please contact an adoption professional who can help guide you through the adoption process. If you are looking for an adoption agency, feel free to call American Adoptions 24/7 at 1-800-ADOPTION. They can refer you to a trusted adoption attorney who will protect your legal interests throughout the process.
While the legal adoption process seems scary, it is made easier with a great team of adoption professionals, especially an adoption attorney. One of the greatest experiences I had throughout the legal side of my adoption process was the finalization hearing. A finalization hearing is when the adoptive parents come to officially and legally finalize the adoption process.
My adoption attorney came into my life during the hardest experience I will ever face. He was able to ensure that my dream became a reality. I wanted my son to have a better life through different parents, and my adoption attorney was able to bring that desire to fruition. No matter how large or small a contribution to your life may seem, please do not overlook the blessing of having a wise and knowledgeable adoption attorney. I will never be able to repay the gratitude I have for those who helped me through my adoption process, including my adoption attorney.
This is the eighth post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
“Rock bottom became the foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” – J.K. Rowling
Believe it or not, I am grateful for my son’s birth father. Yes, I am talking about the man who didn’t support me as a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy, the man who wasn’t helpful or present for the first six months of my son’s life, and the man who contested my adoption decision. I chose adoption almost eight years ago, and for a very long time, I was resentful toward the birth father in my adoption situation.
Fast forward to now, and I can honestly say I am grateful for my son’s birth father for giving me the greatest gift anyone has ever given me: my son. No matter what a birth mother’s situation is with her child’s birth father, there is always the possibility of searching for the silver lining.
Every birth mother has a birth father in her adoption situation. There are so many different circumstances in which a woman may become pregnant, and so many different types of relationships that a birth mother could be in with her birth father, that I must speak of this topic generally. There are three types of birth fathers: the unknown birth father, the unsupportive birth father, and the supportive birth father. Within the three types of birth fathers, they all have one thing in common: a birth father is the man who made the birth mother pregnant in the first place. No matter how a woman initially feels about the man who got her pregnant, she can look at his contribution to the pregnancy with a sense of gratitude if she chooses to.
My experience with my son’s birth father has been an emotional rollercoaster ride. The birth father of my son was someone I had just started dating and barely knew when I found myself as an expectant mother. When I told him that I was pregnant, we had already broken up, but he still expressed excitement. However, his words turned out to be fleeting as his actions only expressed immaturity and a significant lack of support. When I began considering adoption, he refused to say a word to me about it. When he contested my choice for adoption, I was not surprised and did everything I could to ensure the success of my adoption by following my adoption attorney’s advice.
By the way, if you are a woman considering adoption, please contact an adoption attorney immediately. An adoption professional can connect you to an adoption attorney who will instruct you on how to communicate and handle your relationship with the birth father legally and wisely throughout the adoption process.
The reason I am grateful for my son’s birth father is because he gave me the greatest gift anyone could have ever given me: My son. I love my son with a love that I had never known before learning of his conception. Every moment that passes brings with it a growing heart for not only my son, but for others as well. I have learned how to love in a way that I never thought was possible. My son’s birth father had a lot of emotional issues, as well as personal struggles that he was in the midst of when we were dating. However, I have kept slightly in touch with him over the years just to make sure I could get ahold of him if need be. Today, my son’s birth father and I have a friendship. It is slowly growing, and we have a mutual respect for each other. Since going through the adoption process, my son’s birth father has taken responsibility for his actions and apologized to me for everything that happened when I was pregnant and a custodial and legal mother. We are now discussing the possibility of him meeting my son one day with my son’s parents at their request.
If you are a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy and are considering adoption, please consult with an adoption attorney as soon as possible. When it comes to state laws that regulate the adoption process, only a knowledgeable attorney will be able to give wise legal advice. If you do not have an adoption attorney, please contact an adoption professional and they should have an adoption attorney that they can connect you with. Whether you choose to use a local adoption agency or a national adoption agency, the organization should have an attorney on retainer. For any birth father-related general questions, please call 1-800-ADOPTION, where an adoption specialist is available 24/7.
Remember that every state has different laws when it comes to adoption communication including pregnancy notification, dealing with an unsupportive father, and how to proceed legally with a birth father who contests to the adoption, as well as the situation in which a birth mother does not know who the birth father is. Please direct any specific birth father questions you may have in your state to your adoption attorney.
My life has been forever changed as the result of finding myself facing an unexpected pregnancy. Not only have I had the greatest love of my life gifted to me, but I have also grown from the grief that I have faced. My healing journey has included not only forgiving my son’s birth father, but growing to embrace him as a blessing in my life. I know how hard it is to try and forgive a man who can contest an adoption after not being supportive of a child, but I also know that it is possible to find forgiveness. Today, I am grateful for the role that my birth father played in gifting me my son. If I can embrace that gift, I know that it is possible for other birth mothers to walk a path of healing regarding the birth father who was or is in their adoption situation.
This is the seventh post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.” – Melody Beattie
The holiday season is the perfect time of year to reflect on the gratitude of having people impact our lives in positive and healthy ways. Holding an attitude of gratitude can completely change a negative outlook on life into a positive one. Instead of using Christmas as a time for morbid reflection, we can choose to use it as a time to appreciate those people who have shown us love. There is a woman that I know who essentially held my hand throughout my adoption process. She helped me navigate not only the tangible aspects of the process itself, but also helped me sort through some of the emotions that I was experiencing as well. This woman was my adoption professional, and I will forever be grateful to her for what she did for me.
Adoption professionals come in the form of adoption attorneys, adoption agents, adoption counselors, and other individuals who walk along an adoption journey with anyone in the adoption triad. A birth mother should always be able to feel like she can trust her adoption professional to inform her of the adoption process correctly, guide her through the steps of the process, and be there when she needs anything related to the adoption. My adoption agent never made me feel uncomfortable or like I couldn’t trust her. In a time when a woman needs someone to trust, an adoption agent can be that person. While I haven’t spoken to my adoption agent in years, I am still grateful for her and have only fond memories of how she helped me.
My adoption situation with the birth father was very complicated, as is common with a birth father who isn’t supportive of an adoption decision. There were not only state laws and requirements that had to be navigated, but a plethora of emotions I had to deal with. My adoption agent made me feel like she took a personal interest in my adoption being a success. She was there when I needed someone to talk to. She helped me brainstorm when we needed creative ways to deal with my birth father. She connected me with my agency’s attorney and was with me at every meeting. She was thoughtful in what adoptive family profiles she showed me and listened to the desires of my heart for my child.
I highly recommend to any woman considering adoption to find an adoption professional who you trust. If you can’t trust who you are working with when it comes to adoption, then the process will be harder on a birth mother than it needs to be and may be unsuccessful. An adoption professional should be encouraging and supportive. They should know what they are talking about and be versed in their state and county laws for adoption. They are there to make sure the adoption is successful for the entire adoption triad. The adoption triad includes the potential adoptive parents, the prospective birth mother, and the child who is to be placed for adoption.
If you are a woman considering adoption and looking for a trustworthy adoption professional, my suggestion is to begin making phone calls and meeting with adoption professionals. Trust your instincts regarding your adoption professional interview and search, and don’t settle for anyone you feel that you may not be able to trust. If you don’t know where to turn for an adoption decision, consider calling American Adoptions at 1-800-ADOPTION 24/7 and talking to an adoption specialist. Find out what services and resources the adoption agency you are interested in has to offer. Remember that support and resources will be needed even after finalization has occurred, so be mindful of this when you consider what it is you are looking for in not only an adoption professional, but an adoption agency as well. A woman facing an unplanned pregnancy should be encouraged to know that there is someone who can guide her through the adoption process that she can trust, and that should be her adoption professional.
This is the sixth post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
“Whatever you are waiting for – peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of Simple Abundance – it will surely come, but only when you are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach
Healing is a journey, not a destination. There is no end point that we reach where we can say, “I’m done healing now.” Healing is a journey we walk while we are spending this life on earth. We can choose to halt our healing at any point and settle; however, it will only delay the inevitable. We all have something to heal from, whether it’s a difficult upbringing, traumatic situations we encounter as an adult, hurt that someone has wronged us, or choosing to put a child up for adoption.
It is my firm belief that healing is not only a right for every birth mother, but a responsibility. Birth mothers deserve to heal and live fulfilling and satisfying lives after choosing adoption. After all, adoption gives a birth mother a second chance. The child who was placed for adoption will also benefit from his or her birth mother choosing to heal. Whether the birth mother and birth child have a relationship during the child’s life or not, there is always the chance that they will reconnect one day. There are great benefits to walking a path of healing for a birth mother, and I am grateful for my own personal healing journey.
My journey as a birth mother walking a path of healing has not been an easy journey. I had a lot of issues with my self-esteem as it was, and choosing adoption brought up many of those feelings. Not only did I have to face the emotional rollercoaster of adoption, but many issues from my past re-surfaced that I chose to face. I believe that every time a person goes through a traumatic experience, it brings up unhealed issues from the past. We always have the choice as to whether or not we want to face such issues. If we chose to face old wounds, it will hurt for a period of time while we allow them to heal. However, if we choose not to heal our past, those wounds will fester and be harder for us to face when we finally choose to.
My path of healing from choosing adoption began a while after I went through the adoption process. For a period of time, I just wasn’t ready to face how I felt about anything. The pain was so great, it would swallow me for days, weeks, and in the beginning, for months. One morning, something miraculous happened: I woke up and decided I didn’t want to hurt anymore. The morning I made the decision to begin healing, my healing journey began. Throughout my path of healing from adoption, I have learned how to love myself and others in ways I never would have thought possible. I have experienced great sadness, but it has allowed me to appreciate the moments of joy. You can’t truly begin to appreciate happiness until you have truly experienced sadness. I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to walk through my pain because the result has been moments of inexplicable peace, joy, and fulfillment.
Birth mothers have a right and a responsibility to heal. There are healing resources available if you know where to look. A great first step for a woman considering adoption is to pick up the phone and just call an adoption agency. Find out what healing resources they offer as well as the adoption support resources they have. If you don’t know of a local adoption agency, you can contact an adoption professional through this form, and they can take your hand and begin walking through the adoption process with you.
This is the fifth post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.” – Denis Waitley
Happiness is a choice, as is the experience of gratitude. Gratitude is an attitude that we can have if we look for things to be grateful for every day. Every day brings with it an opportunity to be grateful about a situation, a blessing, a person, an experience, etc. If we choose to look at life through the lens of gratitude, then we will experience gratitude on a daily basis. However, if we choose to look at the world from the perspective that we are victims, then we will never truly appreciate what we have.
Choosing adoption didn’t only mean making the sacrifice of being a custodial and legal mother, but it also meant sacrificing unhealthy relationships with people who did not support my adoption decision. Today, I am grateful for the supportive friends and family who stood by me through my adoption decision, and the relationships that have healed in my present life.
Choosing adoption is a decision that a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy may make, and then find that there are friends and family members who will not support her decision. I have come to the conclusion throughout the past seven years as a birth mother that it is possible to forgive the feelings of betrayal from unsupportive friends and family members when it comes to the decision for adoption. I have found that the greatest reason for lack of support has to do with a misunderstanding of why an adoption decision is made. Unsupportive friends and family members may truly not understand the beauty of adoption for years to come, if ever. This doesn’t mean they are bad people, just that they are uneducated in the beauty of adoption. I have also learned that unsupportive friends and family members are afraid to face their own emotions when it comes to adoption. They may feel that they are losing someone they have never had the chance to love.
It is important to remember those who stand by you through an adoption decision, and let them know how grateful you are for them. In my experience, I had a few friends and family members who honestly supported me. They were my rock while I was going through the adoption process. They encouraged me and loved me through the entire process in the best way they knew how. Some of them listened to me express my pain, some were a shoulder to cry on, and some shared the moments of joy I experienced throughout the process. No matter the form of support from a friend or family member, it is important to remain grateful for it.
Forgive the friends and family members who do not support your adoption decision, because holding on to that anger only hurts yourself in the long run. It is toxic to carry long-term resentments toward anyone. Healing is possible, and forgiveness is possible. Through the healing process, it will hurt to face those feelings of betrayal, but feelings are temporary and healing and forgiveness are possible. If you find yourself in the position to show gratitude to those you love, then take advantage of every moment you have to do so. If you find that you are facing feelings of betrayal, then focus your attention on healing activities that produce forgiveness in the heart.
Remember that no matter what you go through as a birth mother, healing is a right and a responsibility. If you have the chance to thank someone today for being supportive of you as a birth mother, then tell them. Life is too short to risk losing the people who love you without being grateful for them. If at any time, you just need to talk to someone about what you are going through as a birth mother, please complete this form and you will be connected to an adoption specialist who can discuss unplanned pregnancy options along with offering healing support resources.
This is the fourth post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” – Melody Beattie
Hindsight is 20/20 when it comes to gratitude. In the thick of the forest, we are unable to see through the trees and hold a clear vision for our destination. Pain can be blinding, and our eyes may not be able to adjust properly in such a dark place. However, once we have walked through the fire, we can look back at what we have been through and see the purpose in it. We can be grateful for our walk, if for no other reason than it made us stronger. I felt like this when it came to anyone ever falling in love with me after choosing adoption. Today, I am grateful for the man that I call my husband, and that I can now see how choosing adoption didn’t make me less loveable, it made me more loveable.
The love from our parents, or our caretakers, is the first true love we ever become consciously aware of. After that, we meet peers, lovers, mentors, and others who embrace us on the path of life. However, when we go through hard times, the most important love we experience may seem difficult to find, and that is self-love. Self-love is the ability to create a love for us from ourselves. Self-love is about enjoying being with ourselves and cherishing who we are. Of course, self-love leads to self-respect. The love and respect we hold for ourselves is what determines our standards for how others in our lives will show us love. If we have low self-worth, and a lack o f self-respect, we will have no reason to hold others to higher standards when it comes to how they show us love and respect. I struggled with self-love quite a bit after choosing adoption, and it showed in my personal relationships.
In my experience, I held a lot of shame for choosing adoption for a period of time. While I knew it was the right choice for my son and I, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I was a failure as a woman. The bittersweet emotions that come with choosing adoption are difficult to navigate. There is no black-and-white world for a birth mother. We deal in mostly gray areas. I was afraid that no man would ever love me again after I failed as a parent. At least, that is how I felt. I didn’t have enough self-esteem to create a self-love and self-respect that would be reflected in my romantic and intimate relationships, and it showed. Then, I met my husband and everything began to change.
My husband was not only intrigued by the fact that I chose adoption, but found it incredibly brave and selfless. He knew my reasons had everything to do with how much I love and loved my child. He respected me for the decision that I made even when I struggled with respecting myself for it. It was as if he gave me permission to forgive myself and begin to love myself again. I couldn’t create the love and forgiveness for myself until someone stepped in and showed me that healing in that arena was a possibility. My husband is the one who helped me walk through the thick of the forest. He is the one who showed me that I was worth loving. That was exactly what I needed to finish pulling through when it came to self-respect and self-love.
If you are a birth mother who finds herself in a similar emotional rut, be encouraged that there is hope for you. You will go through many emotions, but as long as you face them, healing is possible. My experience has taught me that it doesn’t matter who loves you through your pain, as long as at least one person can. There is a phrase I learned in recovery from drugs and alcohol that has stuck with me ever since I was introduced to it: “We will love you until you love yourself.” This phrase gives others permission to love you, until you can accept the permission that they give you to love yourself again, or maybe for the first time ever.
Birth mothers should be encouraged to allow other people to love them. Don’t be afraid to let someone love you, because sometimes it is the best medicine to loving yourself again. If you have chosen adoption and can’t seem to find forgiveness and peace within yourself, please reach out and ask for help. There are healing resources available to you in the form of the anonymous internet, one-on-one therapy, birth mother support groups, etc. If you are considering adoption and concerned that these issues may arise for you, contact an adoption agency that can place you in support services right away. Starting the healing process sooner rather than later will only benefit you. Feel free to reach out to an adoption professional through this form. Remember that you are not alone and that if anyone loves you while you find self-love as a birth mother, it is me.
This is the third post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Gratitude is about recognizing blessings and then counting them. It is not enough to just say you’re grateful. Gratitude required focus to turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts. Gratitude can transform a bad experience into a good one. It can take a bleak outlook and make it hopeful.
As a woman who chose adoption, I am grateful for the experience of learning about adoption. Not only have I gained much insight and information on adoption throughout the years, but I have also had the opportunity to educate others on adoption. Adoption education is not just for the woman facing an unplanned pregnancy. Adoption education is also for those curious about adoption, or for those who have been affected by adoption, or for anyone who wants to learn more about the beauty in adoption. On the 11th day before Christmas, I am a birth mother who is grateful for adoption education.
Adoption education is all about learning what adoption is for the entire adoption triad and its implications for society. The U.S. has not always been a place where choosing adoption was encouraged. In fact, for a period of time, it was considered to bring great shame upon a birth mother. In fact, for a long time in this country, open adoption wasn’t even an option for the prospective birth mother. However, as society has evolved, so has its outlook on adoption. Adoption is now an option for any woman considering choosing adoption. Not only that, but she can also choose the level of openness within her adoption. Whether open, semi-open, or closed, adoption is now more acceptable than ever in the U.S. — thanks in large part to better adoption education and increased understanding.
I wasn’t raised in a family where adoption was talked about because we didn’t have anyone who was affected by adoption in my family. However, I did grow up with peers in school who were adopted. My mother taught me to love everyone, regardless of where they came from or what their situation was. Acceptance and love for others was instilled in me then, and I never saw adoption as a bad thing. However, it wouldn’t be until a decade later that I actually began paying attention to adoption. Once I decided that adoption was going to be the best option for my child and myself, I began learning about it. While there were many people around me who were not educated on the process of adoption or the beauty of it, I was able to embrace it. I have since had many opportunities to educate loved ones and even strangers on the beauty of adoption.
The reason that I am grateful for adoption education is because there are still old, negative stereotypes that people in society believe about adoption. The idea that placing a baby up for adoption is “giving up” on your baby is still prevalent in the thought process of society today. “Giving up a baby for adoption” is far from giving up on your baby. Adoption is a selfless gift of love that birth mothers can give to their children. Adoption education is offered by many organizations, especially religious organizations and adoption agencies. If you are considering adoption for your baby and want to learn more about it, there are many resources available in this day and age with technology that can assist you in educating yourself on adoption.
There are misconceptions when it comes to society’s view on adoption. Adoption education aims to break society out of these stereotypes and bring the truth away from the myths of adoption: to bring the beauty of adoption to light. Modern adoption brings so many options with it for a prospective birth mother. A prospective birth mother has the opportunity to walk through an adoption process with confidence as she creates her adoption plan with an adoption professional, chooses an adoptive family, and proceeds with placement. Life after placement doesn’t mean years of pain and heartbreak for birth mothers anymore. Healing for any birth mother is possible with the right support and resources.
If you find yourself in the position of seeking out adoption education, please feel free to contact an adoption professional for free, no-obligation adoption information. As a woman who chose adoption, I have found adoption education to be invaluable in my life and healing process. I now have an understanding of the beauty of adoption, whereas before, adoption wasn’t even on my radar. I also am grateful for the opportunities I have to educate other on the beauty of adoption. Remember that no matter where you may be on your adoption journey, educating yourself on the beauty of adoption will only help you along the way.
This is the second post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
