While adoption is a beautiful process bringing two families together, it is also one filled with grief and loss — especially for children at the center of the adoption triad. In this week’s episode of “This is Us,” we saw those raw feelings upfront with our two favorite adoptees: Randall and his foster daughter Deja.
To recap: At the end of last season, Deja’s mother voluntarily terminated her parental rights, leaving her daughter’s future up in the air. In this episode, we learn that her foster parents Randall and Beth must make legal moves to formally adopt her in order to let her stay with their family. So, Randall makes a plan for asking Deja about legal adoption in what he thinks is a heartfelt, sensitive manner. But, in true Randall fashion, his presentation is not as perfect as he thinks.
Randall drives Deja out to his biological father’s building, leading with a story of how he found his biological father just in time to lose him all over again to cancer a year later.
“It has defined my life, being adopted,” he tells her. “It’s defined my life even when I didn’t realize it was defining it. I think part of that, at least for me, is that this giant thing happened to me and I didn’t have any say in it. And I don’t want that to be the case for you.”
He ends by saying he and Beth would like to formally adopt Deja, but only if it is her choice.
Those unfamiliar with adoption, especially foster care adoption, might have expected Deja to fall into Randall’s arms with gratitude, like so many of the viral videos of children being adopted from foster care. But, in a heartbreakingly accurate representation of what foster care is more commonly like, Deja responds with a more complicated answer.
“My choice,” she scoffs. “Look, you’re a very nice person, and you have a very nice family, and I’m real grateful for what you’ve done for me. But, you try to pretend like we’re the same… You had one family your whole life, two dads who loved you. I had one dad who never wanted me, one mom who left me. So, don’t tell me we’re the same, Randall. Don’t tell me I have a choice in anything.”
“This is Us” has always presented a truer view of adoption — both infant and foster care — than a lot of other media sources. But, when it comes to Randall’s story, it’s often presented as a blessing to him rather than a serious life-changing loss. While he certainly seems to be given better opportunities in life with Jack and Rebecca than he would have had with his single biological father, he still has to lose a father in order to get that new life. We get our hint at that internal loss when he speaks to Deja outside his father’s apartment building.
But it’s Deja’s story that really highlights those feelings.
As we all know, foster care and foster care adoption is a completely different beast than private domestic infant adoption. It comes with a great deal more trauma and complex emotions for the child at the center. As Deja says, her loss of a biological family is more pronounced than Randall’s; after all, she grew up with her mother and, as we find out in this episode, knew who her father was but had no relationship with him. So, when Randall asks about adopting her, it’s understandable that she doesn’t jump up and down for joy. She’s gone through a lot to get to this point, and it’s affected her in many ways, which we saw over the last season.
While every adoptee’s story is different, it’s unrealistic to assume that every adoptee only feels gratitude and love for their adoptive parents — however they got to be with them. Even in private domestic infant adoption, there is an inherent loss that many adoptees begin to experience and comprehend as they build their identities later in life. Children adopted from foster care are no different; they have often walked a tough path to get to where they are now.
“This is Us” often takes care in representing the truth of modern adoption, and we appreciate the tact used in discussing Deja’s adoption from foster care in the season premiere. We look forward to seeing what the rest of the season holds, especially in the flash-forwards of older Tess as a foster care social worker. You can bet we’ll be tuned to our TVs every Tuesday night!
To catch up on the season 3 premiere, you can watch “This is Us” online here.
This is Part Two in a two-part series. Read Part One here.
Learning about the difference between adoption myth and fact is so important to society. I hear stories of women who were taken advantage of during their adoption process — and I remember what that fear was like. I hate hearing these stories, and I am ever so grateful for the adoption process that I was able to experience.
My goal in sharing this information is to help increase adoption awareness and truth in society so that prospective birth mothers and birth mothers no longer have such negative experiences. If you are a prospective birth mother, please educate yourself on adoption before committing to a specific agency or adoptive family.
To help, here are some additional important facts to know for a successful adoption.
5. A child is never “too old to be adopted.”
My son was 6-months-old when I choose adoption for him. His parents love him as if he has been theirs from the start! There is no “too old” when it comes to choosing adoption. If you have already given birth to your baby, you can choose adoption. If you have been a mother for a period of time, you can still choose adoption. There is no age-limit for choosing adoption; however, there may be age limits for some adoption agencies. Know that you can consider not only local adoption agencies but also national adoption agencies for your journey.
6. You CANNOT get paid for adoption in the United States.
No matter what anyone tells you, you cannot get paid for adoption in the United States. Exchanging a baby for money is considered “human trafficking,” which is a big no-no in the U.S. However, there is what the adoption community calls “financial assistance.”
Depending on the laws of the state that you reside in, you may be able to have an adoption agency pay for some of your living expenses, as well as all of your adoption-related expenses. If you live in a state in which there is little to no financial assistance allowed in state law, there are still other ways to receive adoption financial assistance. The best person to talk to about allowable expenses in your state is your adoption professional. Also, read the laws yourself to make sure that the adoption agency is giving you proper information.
7. Prospective birth mothers remain in legal control of their child up until giving their adoption consent.
I think it’s important to note that you can change your mind about anything regarding your adoption up until you sign your legal consent to place your child for adoption. There will be a revocation period after signing your consent. Once both of these steps have been finalized, your adoption process will be complete.
This means that a prospective birth mother can change her mind about things like choosing adoption in the first place, who will adopt her baby, and who will or will not be present at the delivery of her baby. These decisions are all part of what makes up an “adoption plan.” Make sure your adoption plan is what you want, and don’t let anyone pressure you into making decisions that you are uncomfortable with.
If you are feeling uncomfortable about your current adoption situation, or if you just have some general questions, I highly recommend you reach out to American Adoptions at 1-800-ADOPTION. There is also a lot of great information on positive adoption websites like American Adoptions and Considering Adoption. Be careful when you are searching for information, and always look at where the sources of information are coming from. Personal blogs and websites like Wikipedia are not exactly reputable sources.
If I could have you take away one thing from this article, it would be to educate yourself about your rights in adoption before you begin the process. If you write down all of the services you need, and all the help that you need during an adoption, then you can share all of those things with different agencies to find the best fit. After all…
“The only fence against the world is a thorough knowledge or it.” – John Locke
-Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
This is Part One in a two-part series. Look for Part Two next week.
I am a firm believer in learning as much as you can about something before committing to it. However, in more emotional situations, it may prove much more challenging to do all the research for yourself. That’s why I have taken the time to go ahead and share these facts about adoption.
If you are a woman who is considering adoption, please use the resources that you have to learn about the facts of adoption and how they might apply to you. I have heard too many horror stories of misinformation about adoption passed around to ignore this subject.
In this article, you will find 4 important about choosing adoption for your baby that you may not have been aware of before.
1. State laws do NOT regulate the type of post-placement relationship a birth mother chooses to have with her birth child and his or her adoptive parents.
I think this is a crucial point to make. The reason that I put this as No. 1 for important adoption facts to know is because of a story I commonly hear from women. I was recently a participant in a birth mom retreat, and one of my fellow birth mothers shared that her adoption agency told her she was not legally allowed to choose an open adoption for her baby. I was horrified at hearing this because it is absolutely 100 percent NOT TRUE! State law cannot regulate the type of post-placement agreement you choose to enter into with your child’s adoptive parents. If an adoption agency tells you otherwise, they are LYING.
2. Only 28 out of the 50 states have legally binding post-placement agreements.
When I chose adoption, I was informed by my adoption professional that the state I was choosing adoption in did not acknowledge post-placement agreements as legally binding (a fact I had confirmed by my adoption attorney). This means that if my open adoption goes south, I have no legal recourse for receiving contact again. This might sound scary to prospective birth mothers, but the truth is I have never come anywhere near that situation being the case. However, it has happened for some. Please ask your adoption professional (and confirm their response with an adoption attorney) about whether or not post-placement agreements are acknowledged as a legally binding contract in your state.
3. Birth fathers must have their rights terminated before an adoption can be successful, regardless of whether it is done voluntarily or involuntarily.
There are so many misconceptions out there regarding how to handle a birth father in an adoption situation. My advice is simple: speak with an adoption attorney and check out your state’s birth father laws! With all the stereotypes in society surrounding adoption — and the horror stories that, as well — it is important to learn how birth father laws in your state will apply to your individual situation.
Whatever your relationship is with the birth father, it’s still worth speaking to an adoption attorney before passing on something as wonderful as open adoption. In some cases, a birth father’s rights may be involuntarily terminated, but that can ONLY be determined by an experienced adoption attorney whom you and your adoption professional trust. Don’t let anyone else tell you how the law applies to you when they don’t have the knowledge or facts to back it up.
4. Closed adoption wasn’t introduced into our culture until the late 19th Before and after then, open adoption was the more popular post-placement relationship for adoption.
During the Victorian era, children considered illegitimate were locked up or hidden away. Birth mothers in these situations were considered a burden of society — labeled misfits, outcasts, or worse. This history is where many of the stereotypes for birth mothers began. It is sad to me that birth mothers still receive these labels and that a woman believes she should feel shame for her adoption decision.
Before the Victorian era, adoption was something that past cultures welcomed, regardless of government regulation or not. Since around the 1960s, when adoption became more heavily regulated, the societal acceptance of open adoption began to evolve, as well as its understanding of it.
My point in sharing these facts with you is to educate others on adoption. Society is moving in a positive direction but still lagging far behind when it comes to the positive aspects of open adoption. Choosing an open adoption is beneficial to everyone in the adoption triad (birth mother, adopted child and adoptive parents). However, it is important to know that open adoption is not your only option. The truth is that the choice for adoption belongs to an expectant mother, and no one else.
If you are feeling uncomfortable in your adoption process, or if you just need someone to talk to, please contact an adoption professional such as American Adoptions (1-800-ADOPTION). Adoption specialists will answer your call and your questions and can perhaps help you remedy your situation.
No relationship is perfect, no matter the type of relationship it may be. This includes the relationships within the adoption triad.
The adoption triad consists of the birth mother or birth parents, the adoptive parent(s), and the child who was placed for adoption. No adoption triad is the same, as there is always variation in the relationships’ dynamics. However, every relationship within the adoption triad is special, even if it can be challenging at times.
Post-placement relationships can be as amazing as they are challenging, especially as a birth mother and adoptive parents get to know one another and learn to respect boundaries through communication. There is no perfect answer to any relationship issue, but if you can solve problems together, you get one step closer to building a firm foundation on which to move forward on. For a birth mother and her chosen adoptive parents, learning to navigate post-placement waters is a process, and it takes time for all parties to get to know each other.
When the post-placement life is good, and there seem to be no problems — enjoy the ride. There is no reason to mess up a good thing, and sometimes in life we must learn how to enjoy ourselves. I have had smooth sailing for a good portion of my post-placement relationship with my son’s parents. From the start, I was transparent and respectful of boundaries. While it has not always been wonderful to navigate, most of the time that I have known my son’s parents has been an incredible blessing. I highly encourage you to cherish the good moments. Capture the memory and hold it tightly, because those moments will help you when things get tough, as they do from time to time.
When the storm is coming into shore, and the water turns green and the waves start crashing, you will probably get scared as a birth mother. I know many birth mothers, including myself, who carry a silent fear: “What if something happens and I can’t continue to see my child?”
To me that is a terrifying thought, but there have been times in which communication has been poor between my son’s parents and me. What I have learned to do when this happens is to remain calm. The worst thing I can do is freak out and jump to the worst-case scenario in my head. The best thing I can do is listen to any boundaries being communicated and respect them to the best of my ability. In my opinion, respecting boundaries is the best way to navigate through rough waters in a post-placement relationship between a birth mother and her child’s adoptive parents.
The start of a post-placement relationship happens the moment a prospective birth mother meets her prospective adoptive family. From that moment, boundaries should be set, communication is created, and the earning of trust and respect commences. The best place to start preparing for a happy and healthy post-placement relationship is at the moment you meet your child’s prospective adoptive parents.
Here are some tips moving forward with navigating a post-placement relationship between a birth mother and her child’s parents:
Post-placement relationships are just like any other relationship when it comes to the need for communication, transparency and boundaries. If you find navigating rough waters becomes too challenging, then I highly encourage you to seek out someone you trust. Considering reaching out to your adoption agency, a member of a church, a therapist, or a supportive friend or family member. Remember, no matter how it might feel in the moment, feelings are temporary, and this too shall pass. If it’s great, and you are enjoying the terms your post-placement relationship is on, then enjoy the ride!
~Lindsay Arielle
What’s normal these days? For most of society, I wouldn’t exactly call adoption “normal.” Adoption is still something that people don’t talk about often, and when they do, it’s usually a mix of a lot of myth with a little truth — or it’s completely based on one experience, regardless of whether it was positive or negative.
So, what is there to do?
The best place to start “normalizing” adoption is within our own lives. As a birth mother myself, my hope is that other birth mothers with an open adoption will help their child’s parents by aiding in “normalizing” adoption for their child.
It is not just the responsibility of adoptive parents to normalize adoption; it is also the responsibility of the birth mother. Birth mothers play an important role in the adoption triad for not only their child but also for their child’s adoptive parents. Birth mothers give their children a connection to their roots, and that is something that adoptive parents can cherish.
It is not only wise for a birth mother to be involved with her child in an open adoption but also for her to talk about adoption with others, as well. Birth mothers will honor themselves and their adoption in different ways. Some birth mothers may honor themselves in private, while others may be vocal about their adoption. If, as a birth mother, you are looking for ways to normalize adoption within your own life, then consider applying some or all these tips:
Even though you have placed your child with new parents, you can make a difference in the way you “normalize” adoption for him or her. It’s obvious that adoptive parents should talk openly and often with their adopted child, honor their child’s birth mother and always talk positively about adoption. But birth mothers play a role, too — by choosing an open adoption, maintaining contact with their child and respecting their child’s parents.
Every adoption triad is different from the next, which means every family will “normalize” adoption in a different way. If you are creating a happy and healthy adoption environment for your child, then you are already on the path to “normalizing” adoption!
