“I know a young woman who is facing an unplanned pregnancy. She is young and for the most part, on her own. The father isn’t in the picture. How can I help her? I think adoption is the best decision for her, but I don’t want to push her into something she doesn’t want. What do I say to her?”
Want to help someone facing an unplanned pregnancy make the best decision she can for her and her baby? Do you think adoption is her best option and hope she seriously considers it? Wondering how you can help guide her to the most mature decision? If you find yourself in this situation, you are among many who love a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy. Talking to a woman who is facing an unplanned pregnancy can be incredibly difficult to navigate. The lack of clarity she has about who she might be and what she might do puts those who love her in a very sensitive position. While you want her to make the best decision, you also don’t her to shut down on you and clam up when you try to approach her. She may feel resentful and trapped when faced with a reality she may or may not be ready to face. Ultimately, she is the one who must find acceptance with her decision, whatever that may be.
I remember when I was amid my unplanned pregnancy. I felt very afraid among a complicated web of other emotions as well. I felt guilty and ashamed that I found myself in the position in the first place. I felt pressure from many people who I knew loved me to make specific decisions. I had pride involving my situation, and didn’t want to admit that I was scared. I kept most of these feelings to myself. On the rare occasion that I was open regarding how I felt, such emotions were not typically received well.
I think that this society fears the unplanned pregnancy. I think most people are afraid of the unknown. I think it is easy to judge a situation when you are not in the middle of it, but instead on the outside looking in. The first step in loving someone facing an unplanned pregnancy, and deciding how to be helpful, is to find your compassion.
Compassion wars with judgement. I think judgement may be an easier option than compassion, because it allows us to distance ourselves from situations that we may not understand. It takes a lot of courage to be compassionate in situations that we don’t understand. It’s not courageous to judge, but it takes boldness to be compassionate. Compassion entails attempting to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and imagining how they must feel. Judging a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy will never help her. Such a simple thing as compassion may be exactly what she needs to come to a mature decision regarding how to move forward. When interacting with a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy, my best bit of advice is to listen to her. Listening to what she is feeling is probably the most productive way to help her. You won’t have the magic words, so don’t search for them. Remember, this is her decision to make. While you may have her best intentions in your heart, don’t assume you know what she truly desires. Deep down, she is experiencing emotions she may not be ready to process, and by being a listening ear, you are helping her process what she is feeling.
If you are not someone she already trusts, then perhaps you could become that for her. Perhaps you could let her express herself in a safe place. If she asks for your advice, then give it to her, but only after she has asked. No one likes unsolicited advice, especially when it comes to the most personal of situations and circumstances. If you are struggling to find compassion, and the urge to tell her what to do is great, then I suggest you think of a time in your life when you were struggling. Have you ever felt judged? Have you ever known the right answer but just desperately needed someone to listen to you? Have you ever just wished that you had someone you could trust to be unbiased and non-judgmental? I’m sure you have, and now you can be that for someone else.
The best gift we can give someone we love is to empower them to make their own decisions. Trying to get others to make the choices we think are best is not a way to help an individual learn to make mature decisions. Consider a child: we raise them and train them up in hopes that they will make healthy and mature decisions. When we grow up, it is up to us to take what we have learned and apply it to our lives. So how can you help a woman who is facing an unplanned pregnancy? Listen to her, and do what you can to help her make the most educated and mature decision that she can. Empower her through compassion to make a mature and healthy decision regarding her life and the life of the unborn child that she is carrying. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
The Polish government is currently revising its international adoption policies under the Hague Adoption Convention. According to a notice released by the U.S. Department of State, “Poland has indicated its intent to prioritize domestic adoptions, except in the case of intercountry adoption of siblings related to children already adopted through intercountry adoption, intrafamily adoptions, and adoptions by Polish citizens living abroad.” For U.S. families currently adopting from Poland, it is unclear how these intended changes will impact their adoption process. Families who have not yet received referrals may experience extended delays. Questions about intercountry adoption can be directed to USCIS. The Department of State will post additional Poland adoption information as it becomes available.
As parents, there are times when you may have to explain some difficult or abstract ideas to your kids. It begins the moment your child starts asking “Why?” Why is the sky blue? Why do birds fly? Why can’t I stay up all night? Why can’t I be a dog? The list goes on. When kids have tricky questions, books can be a great resource. Storybook authors have made their living out of entertaining and speaking to children, so parents can turn to them to explain what they cannot. Adoption is one topic that may be tricky for kids to understand sometimes. If you are an adoptive parent, your child will likely have questions about his or her adoption story at some point: Why was I placed for adoption? What does it mean to be adopted? Why don’t I look like you? Do I look like my birth parents? Here are some suggestions for books that help explain adoption to kids.
Todd Parr’s bright and bold illustrations and kid-friendly writing style help make difficult subjects easier for young readers to understand. This book explores the way people can come together to make a family.
This book highlights “Gotcha Day” and what it means to adoptive families. This rhyming story with diverse family dynamics has the perfect ending for all adoption stories — all babies come from love.
Jamie Lee Curtis can be silly, but her books are also touching and empower kids to be proud of who they are. The girl in this book asks her parents to continually tell her adoption story. She realizes this is a story she will always know by heart.
The front cover of this book is darling — on it, a boy wears a huge, proud smile on his face and holds a banner that says “Yes, I’m Adopted!” This book helps kids feel comfortable with their adoption story.
This darling book tells the story of Horace, a leopard who was adopted by tiger parents. Keller does a nice job of keeping this low-key and reassuring to children.
This book was inspired by the author’s own international adoption story. It captures the happy anticipation parents feel as they wait for their child.
This sweet story follows the conversation between a little bear name Barley and his Mama. He asks many questions that adoptive children may have.
The Hague Convention entered into effect for Ghana on January 1, 2017. The United States will now issue Hague Adoption Certificates for adoptions from Ghana. Individual cases will be reviewed to determine whether an intercountry adoption can proceed in accordance with the Convention as well as with all U.S. laws. Prospective adoptive parents should be aware of potential delays in the adoption process while Ghana works to implement its new adoption laws and procedures. Adoptive parents who began the adoption process on or after January 1, 2017, should work closely with their adoption service provider to ensure they comply with all Ghanaian and U.S. adoption laws. For parents who began the process to adopt from Ghana before January 1, 2017, you may be able to continue using the non-Hague process (known as the Orphan process) if:
If the above circumstances apply to your adoption process, yours will be considered a “transition case.” If your case is not eligible to proceed as a transition case, you will need to adhere to the Hague adoption process. Additional information about transition cases and Hague adoption cases in Ghana is available through USCIS. Questions about adoption from Ghana and the transition process should be directed to USCIS. The Department of State will post additional Ghana adoption information as it becomes available.
“I am thinking about putting my infant up for adoption. I have already given birth, though, and I am hesitant that no one will want to adopt a baby unless they have been involved in the pregnancy. Am I even allowed to do this? How do I decide if I can put my infant up for adoption? How do I decide what is right for my baby while still considering what is right for me? How do I know if I am making the best decision? I’m so torn between the promises I have already made to keep my baby and the deep desire to place my child up for adoption. What do I do?”
Perhaps you find yourself thinking along these lines. Perhaps you have many questions. Perhaps you have been thinking about adoption, but have felt too fearful to follow through. Perhaps now you are realizing that adoption really is the best option, but you have waited a while to make the decision and now your baby is a few months old. Perhaps you are on the fence about adoption and have no idea how to even begin to make that decision. Wherever you are coming from, whatever your situation is, whatever fears are plaguing your mind or thoughts that are racing through it; you are not alone, and you are not trapped. My goal in writing is to help other women heal who have chosen adoption. I also have the hope that I can be of assistance to educate throughout the process as well.
I chose adoption when my son was six months old. Many of the racing thoughts that I have outlined above, I have experienced. I had so many questions and felt so afraid of the life that was ahead of me. I was living in fear of letting people down whom I loved. I had made a commitment to others and to myself to keep my baby and be an amazing parent. When it came right down to it: I wasn’t ready to parent my baby, and I didn’t know how to go about placing my child up for adoption.
If you find yourself experiencing confusion regarding your decision about adoption, or if you find you are becoming more and more curious to learn about your options, please educate yourself. Know that there is an informational gap when it comes to adoption. There are so many stereotypes out there regarding adoption, birth parents, and adoptive parents. I have had an amazing experience as a birth mother, but not after facing many challenges. In fact, it took about two years of very determined healing before I began writing about healing. I couldn’t fathom healing from adoption at one point. I knew almost nothing about adoption and felt so many twisted relationships in my life pressuring me to keep my baby.
People are typically afraid of the unknown. There is a terrible, but in my opinion, truthful phrase: “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” You may be a struggling parent, like I was, and the fear of not knowing what adoption entails may keep you from making the right choice for you and your baby. Thankfully, I made the decision to be bold. I broke free from the chains that were bound to me in the form of fear and ignorance. I took it upon myself to become educated throughout every step of the adoption process. I went through adoption in 2011, and fast forward to today: I am learning there are more resources available today than were available seven years prior. Yet, there is still such an information and support gap for birth parents.
In my opinion, adoption is not for every struggling mother, but it should be an option for every woman who is facing the fear of an unplanned pregnancy or a difficult parenting experience. I believe that education should be more prevalent regarding adoption. It saddens me that there is so much talk of parenting versus abortion, yet so little talk of the viable option of adoption. Adoption is beautiful when we decide it is beautiful. Adoption is deplorable when we find it inappropriate. There is so much judgement in society. What if we applauded birth mothers and birth parents?
If you find you are considering adoption, there are some lines of thought I would like to suggest that you consider:
If I can get through the difficult decision of adoption, and live a path of healing, then it is possible for anyone going through the same challenges. I was not educated on adoption prior to making the choice, and was very isolated in my healing process. If you are reading this, then it is my hope you have a smoother ride in your adoption decision. Know that you are not alone, there are resources. Please educate yourself on your options, and remember: Healing is a choice. Healing is a journey. You can do it. ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
There are thousands of sayings about waiting. It is “the hardest part.” But do remember that “good things come to those wait.” When you’re waiting to adopt a child, words of wisdom aren’t the only things you’ll need to help you keep your mind off the days ahead. Once you’ve completed all the paperwork, home visits, and interviews, it’s time to, well, wait. Try not to let the upcoming adoption consume you, though. Here are some things you may want to do to keep your mind off the waiting. Enjoy date nights – once you have a new child in your life, finding time to get out and do things with your spouse will be tricky. Take advantage of not needing a sitter now. Enjoy dinner out at a nice restaurant or take in a late movie. Focus on yourself – along with enjoying uninterrupted time with your spouse, spend some quality time with yourself. Read books, exercise, develop a hobby, relax. These activities will keep your mind off the waiting. Your new arrival will be the center of your world for years to come. Pamper yourself now so you’re rested and ready for your new family member. Prepare the child’s bedroom – when the adoption seems imminent, start getting your child’s room ready. Take stock of what you have, and makes plans to either purchase or borrow what you still need. Once you know the child’s age and/or sex, you can start shopping for fun things — cute clothes, stuffed animals, toys. Keep in mind that you may be the guest of honor at a baby shower, so don’t go overboard. Channel the urge to purchase into creating a gift registry. Choose a name – you don’t need to make a final decision until you meet your child, but definitely come up with a short list of name choices. Read parenting and adoption books – the list of books on these topics is endless. Ask family and friends for their recommendations, or check out a few from the local library. Get your affairs in order – update your health insurance, and create a will or edit an existing one. Explore your and/or your spouse’s “adoption leave” policy. Choose a pediatrician – depending on where you live, the choices can range from one doctor to 500 doctors. Ask friends and family for recommendations, and make appointments to visit the offices of your top choices. Do your research. Explore child care options, if necessary – like choosing a pediatrician, get recommendations from family and friends. Make appointments to visit all facilities in the running for the final selection. Keep a journal – not only will this be a loving keepsake for your child, but it may help keep your emotions in check. The waiting period is often overloaded with feelings of hope, fear, excitement, frustration and anxiety. Recording your thoughts on paper can often be freeing. It is easy to get frustrated during the wait for your child. Try to maintain a normal schedule, but allow yourself to get excited too. The waiting will not last forever, and your new journey will soon begin.
Sometimes you just need to shut your mind off. I know firsthand that being still and getting lost in music can be the most healing of experiences. I spend a lot of time and effort, and have in the past as well, focused on healing. It’s not easy, and it has required work and focus. However, when we don’t take time to let the work we have done take hold, we are chasing an experience we may never have. Music is healing.
Listening to music can take your mind to amazing places. There can be a natural high associated with getting lost in a soundtrack or a just a single song. Listening to music, and getting lost in it, gives us a healthy escape. And not only may we find ourselves escaping when we live through the music, but we may also find that our effort in healing has allowed us to come to a place where we can enjoy the music instead of listening to it only to express pain. The following is a guided music meditation. I have links to five songs with a little bit about how those songs make me feel. Take your time, get lost in the music. My hope is that you will find some joy in the experience I am laying out. Enjoy!
Whether you believe in a Christian God, a pagan god, or you don’t believe in any god at all, there is always inspiration to be taken from a song full of so much hope. Regardless of if you think of a person, a god, or a concept, this song will take you to a place of safety if you allow it to. What makes you feel safe and secure? Remember that every day is a new day!
Feeling like we take life too seriously can dampen our spirits. Laughter is good for the mind, body and soul. It’s a natural way that allows the body to release healthy chemicals that make us feel good. I am guilty of taking life way too seriously. I get tunnel vision sometimes on my goals and forget to enjoy the ride while I’m on it. This song reminds that sometimes I just need to let go and laugh until my belly hurts!
Self-care is crucial to our mental wellbeing. We need to make sure that we are taking care of ourselves before giving ourselves to others, because you can’t serve from an empty plate. I have given my energy away many times without refueling by taking care of myself too. This song is a great reminder to make sure that we take care of ourselves. It also makes me feel like I need to embrace every moment of life. Oh yeah, and hug somebody once a day!
There is nothing that can stop us from being happy if we put our minds to it. Happiness is a choice that we must make daily. There will always be obstacles and dark spots that we must get through, but it is up to us to overcome. This song makes me feel empowered to take on anything that is thrown at me. No matter what I am facing, with my faith and resolve, I can get through it.
I have experienced betrayal, and much of it when I chose adoption. However, there were a few people who stood by me, as well as my faith. This song reminds me that I’m not alone in my life. Love can conquer many things, if not all obstacles. The love we have for ourselves, our faith, and for others, especially our children, can fuel us in amazing ways. Be empowered by the love that you feel in your life!I am encouraged to know that this mini music guided meditation may be experienced and found helpful by someone else. I can tell that even if, as a birth mother, you feel alone in your healing, we can at least share this music experience together. You are not healing alone! ~Lindsay Arielle Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
In last night’s episode of “This is Us,” adoptee Randall and his birth father William took a road trip to Memphis to learn more about William’s past. For Randall, it was an opportunity to see where his birth father grew up, meet birth relatives he had never met before and learn more about his history. The episode brought up many good ideas for adult adoptees looking to reconnect with their birth family history. But, what if an adoptee is a child or a birth family reunion is not possible? In this blog post, American Adoptions offers some tips for adoptive families and adoptees looking to learn more about their adoption story or reconnect with birth families, whatever the circumstances.
The term “open adoption” provokes different thoughts for different people. Until the mid-1970s, most adoptions were closed and private. It was quite rare for the birth parents to meet the adoptive parents, let alone get to know them on a personal level. Records were often sealed, and adopted children were rarely given access to information about themselves. But the secrecy that once defined adoption is no longer the norm. Domestic adoptions frequently involve contact between the adoptive parents and the birth parents, either through an agency or directly. For those not directly involved, open adoption can be confusing and worrisome. Let’s set the record straight on common myths about open adoption.
Truth: There is no research to support this myth, yet much research supports the opposite. Children can understand open adoption better because there are fewer secrets and severed ties. Children know who their adoptive parents are. They also understand the role their birth parents have played in their lives.
Truth: With the help of an adoption agency or lawyer, a clearly-defined agreement can be drafted before the child is born. All decisions are made in the best interest of the child, with specific roles for the birth parents and adoptive parents. Adoptive parents are legally responsible for all decisions regarding their child’s welfare.
Truth: For parents who entered open adoption with some trepidation, they begin to value the openness after some time has passed. Their worries are curtailed by the value of the experience, especially when a relationship is formed, all for the good of the child that both families care about deeply.
Truth: While this may happen from time to time, most solid relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. Again, an adoption agreement will help define roles, but these are not legally binding in most states. If the admiration and belief in each other are present, the relationship can be lasting.
Truth: If the adoptive parents and birth parents are working together to keep the child’s best interests in mind, there won’t be competition between the families. All decisions will be made for the child’s benefit. This doesn’t mean that conflict won’t arise. When it does, however, parents that communicate openly and honestly with each other will be able to work through the difficulties.
As of February 16, 2017, the Peruvian government has announced that the temporary suspension of adoptions announced in September 2016 is no longer in effect. The suspension of all domestic and international adoptions was announced pending an internal review of adoption procedures and cases over the past five years. The review stemmed in part from concerns related to post-adoption reporting compliance. While the suspension has since been lifted, delays continue to be reported. The Department of State continues to monitor the situation. For updated information, continue to monitor adoption.state.gov.
