Open adoption contact is an exciting and fun way to keep adoptive families and birth parents up to date on each other’s lives. But, sometimes, the logistics of this communication can be complicated, especially in semi-open adoptions where identifying information isn’t shared between parties of the adoption. While some agencies mediate contact by managing the sending and receiving of letters and pictures, not all do — leaving some adoptive families and birth parents to wonder how they can easily and confidentially share pictures and updates in an easy way. For that, there’s the app 23snaps. Unlike traditional social media platforms, 23snaps provides a way to share photos with a select group of family members and friends — and the pictures involved are never made public. The app allows you to make digital journals with photos, videos and short captions, even creating a timeline as you add more and more media. It’s accessible via phone, computer, tablet, and users can even receive updates by email instead of visiting the site. The photos shared on the app can also be printed off into photo books or print orders. And, best of all, it’s completely free. For birth parents and adoptive parents, 23snaps is a great way to share photos and videos in a confidential, private manner. Members of the adoption triad can easily view and add photos at their convenience straight from their phone, rather than having to print out photos and send them via snail mail. And they’ll know that everything they share is completely private, always owned entirely by them. To learn more about how 23snaps may work for your open adoption, check out the website or download the app to your mobile device. As always, talk with your adoption professional about your open adoption options and the services they provide to you. They may have additional suggestions for keeping in touch with the adoptive parents or birth parents and ideas for how you can best utilize technology like 23snaps to create positive, healthy open adoption communication.
Whether you’re a pregnant woman still considering adoption or you’ve already placed your baby with a loving family, you’re probably dealing with some difficult emotions. While it’s helpful to have a support system of family and friends to turn to during these times, you may wish to share your feelings with people who have been through the same situation you’re in. Thankfully, there are plenty ways that you can connect to other prospective birth parents and mothers who have placed their children for adoption, either in-person or online. Here are the different ways you can go about doing so:
Many adoption professionals are not just there for you during the adoption process but can also be a resource for you after your adoption is complete. If you ask them, they may be able to connect you with other birth mothers who have worked through their organization and are willing to share their story. You may find a pen pal who you can share your experiences with or even someone who lives close that is willing to create a support relationship with you.
While your adoption professional may be able to point you to local support groups, another way to find birth parent support groups is through MeetUp, an online resource that lets you find and create support groups. If there’s not a support group near you, you can create one and other birth parents in your area can join.
One of the easiest ways to connect with other birth parents is through online forums and organizations. This is perhaps the most common way to find peer support, as it provides a sense of confidentiality and lets you connect with birth mothers from all over. However, it’s important to know that online groups can have their drawbacks, as well. Because so many people can share their stories, you may see inaccurate information or stories that don’t truly represent how the adoption process works. It’s important to take these posts with a grain of salt and always reach out to a certified adoption professional if you have questions. Here are some of the online resources available to you:
Adoption is a difficult process for all involved, especially birth parents, so it’s important that you find the support you need to successfully cope with the emotions you may have. Connecting with people who have been through the same process can be instrumental in helping you decide what’s right for you and your baby or coming to terms with placing your child for adoption. To learn more about the adoption process and get in contact with other expectant or birth mothers like you, please contact an adoption professional or check out once of the resources above.
When you become adoptive parents, it sometimes seems like your adoption process is up for discussion with everyone — family, friends and even strangers. Whether or not you’re comfortable discussing your adoption story, you’ll may get some awkward and insensitive questions from those who are unfamiliar with adoption. So, how do you answer them? While you never have to discuss your family adoption if you’re not comfortable doing so, answering some of these questions with polite and informative answers can go a long way to further educating the public about the realities of the adoption process. Here are some ways you can address some of the questions you receive:
When people ask you this, kindly explain that all of your children are yours, and by using the word “real,” they’re implying that adoption is not a normal way to create a family. While you can inform them the words “adopted” and “biological” are more accurate, you may make it clear that they don’t need to worry about using these labels — because all of your children are “real” and part of your family, no matter whether they share your DNA or not.
This is a common question for families who adopt transracially. Unfortunately, when a non-white child is adopted by white parents, many people automatically assume they were adopted from another country, despite the fact that the United States has a variety of diverse races and ethnicities within its borders. How specific you want to get in response to this question is up to you. You can simply respond “From the U.S.” or even get specific about what state or city your child was adopted from. While people’s assumptions can be frustrating, it may be best to answer politely and succinctly and then change the subject.
While it can be tempting to respond to parents who have biological children with, “Why didn’t you?” you can instead take this opportunity to educate them about the differences in the adoption processes. Explain to them that, ultimately, you chose the adoption process that was best for your family. No particular process of adoption is superior to another, and whatever way a family is created is perfect.
These kinds of questions are typical from people who don’t understand how the adoption process works and how most adoptions today are open. It can be hurtful to hear this incorrect language, so make sure you explain the difference between an “adoptive” and “biological” mother. If you’re comfortable doing so, explain how the open adoption process works. Your child will grow up knowing they are adopted and potentially having some sort of contact with their birth mother. Explain that if they desire to meet her one day, you’ll support them 100 percent, and you know that this part of their history is important to their identity. While there may be challenges along the way, explain that by being open about your child’s history, they’ll have a healthy relationship with this part of their identity.
People who don’t know much about adoption tend to use this kind of outdated language, so it’s a great opportunity for you to introduce adoption-positive language, like “place” or “put up” for adoption. As far as answering this question, it’s a very sensitive topic and, to respect your child’s birth mother’s privacy, you can give a vague answer like, “She wasn’t prepared to be the parent she wanted for her baby.” If people press for more details, remind them that you want to respect her privacy and can’t answer in more detail. Remember, if someone ever asks you a tactless question that you don’t want to answer, you can always respond with “Why do you want to know?” or “I’ll have to think about that one,” or deflect the question with humor. If you use these subtle deflections, people will usually get the hint and drop the subject. If they don’t, simply tell them you’re uncomfortable talking about something that’s so personal to your family. If your child is present when people ask these questions, it’s important to respond positively. Avoiding talking about their adoption in front of them may lead them to think you’re embarrassed or ashamed, so communicate your happiness and confidence, even if it’s something you’d rather not discuss. A great way to prepare for these unwanted questions is by communicating with your adoption professional or other adoptive parents. They can provide you advice on how to answer insensitive questions in a positive way and educating others about adoption in a healthy way. Remember, there are many people in the world who don’t know much about adoption. While their questions may seem rude or insensitive to you, they likely don’t understand why what they’re asking is wrong. By educating them about adoption, you can help spread awareness about this beautiful way of building a family.
Getting ready for parenthood involves planning, preparation and learning. Planning ahead can make the transition to becoming a parent easier. While that is true, people also say that nothing can prepare you for the job of parenting. Parenthood is the epitome of on-the-job training. So what is a new parent to do? You can prepare by reading the countless books and websites offering sound advice on what to do before and after your child arrives. You can also resolve to do the best you can with the advance knowledge you’ve gained. But what if you are adopting? Adoptive parents may prepare for parenthood differently than biological parents, even though they are likely going to experience similar situations once their child is home. The basic needs for a safe and loving home are the same for every child. Here are some things you can do to ready yourself for your new family member.
Telling family and friends about your exciting news will hopefully spur you into action. Think about how you’d feel about registering for necessary items and/or having someone host a shower for you. People will want to celebrate your upcoming role as parent, and friends and family members may be eager to host an adoption shower to help you prepare.
Most hospitals and community centers offer newborn and infant care classes. No matter your expertise level, a refresher course is always helpful. There may be classes specifically geared toward adoptive families, whether it be an actual care class or one addressing child development, attachment and bonding. Your adoption agency may have a list of such classes.
While it is beneficial to add general parenting books and a medical manual to your home library, take time to search for books about adoptive parenting. Some recommendations are Raising Adopted Children by Lois Ruskai Melina and Keys to Parenting an Adopted Child by Kathy Lancaster.
This is the time to discuss parenting styles and discipline with your spouse or partner. This is also the time to talk to family and friends about adoption, and answer questions they may have about the process. Also let them know what you plan to discuss with your child about their adoption as they get older. Make sure everyone is on the same page.
Becoming a parent is one of the most stressful events a person can experience. Give yourself time to adjust to your new job. Make time for your spouse or partner, as well as yourself. Relax. Do what makes you happy now, because your child will make you happier than you ever thought you could be.
As Congress considers tax reform legislation, the Adoption Tax Credit Executive Committee is reaching out to the adoption community for help saving the Adoption Tax Credit. The federal adoption tax credit helps make adoption more affordable for hopeful families, removing financial barriers that would prevent children from being placed in safe, loving, permanent homes. But now, Congress is considering eliminating the adoption tax credit, which could potentially hurt millions of American families. Adoptive families can join the effort to keep pressure on Congress to save the credit that makes it possible for all families to adopt. Now is the time for you to tell your story and let your legislators know what the Adoption Tax Credit has meant for you and your family. Your voice matters — legislators will only #SaveTheATC if they understand the real-world impact and feel that their constituents support it. Here’s how you can take action now:
Here are 8 easy steps to share your story directly with your Members of Congress via video message:
Once you’ve recorded your story, make sure to share it on social media, and ask others who have been touched by adoption to do the same. Here are some sample tweets and posts that you can share with your friends, followers and Members of Congress directly: Sample Tweets
Sample Facebook Post
You can find your U.S. Senators and Representatives here. Save the Adoption Tax Credit also provides tips for calling your Members of Congress, as well as a sample script you can use when contacting your Senators and Representatives to tell your story. For more information about the Adoption Tax Credit and legislative proposals important to adoptive families, visit adoptiontaxcredit.org.
Adoption can be a lonely road. Even though adoption is becoming more commonplace in our society, many adoptive couples don’t have people around them who understand what they’re going through. Even if they are surrounded by loving family and friends, there are feelings that come with adoption that only other adoptive families can understand. For this reason, adoptive families may find it helpful to join an adoption support group. There can be pros and cons of joining an adoption support group. There are many good groups out there, designed to genuinely help members navigate the process and their feelings on adoption. However, some groups may be formed for the wrong reasons or may spread false or negative information on adoption. Here are some ways to find the right adoption group for you.
No matter where you are in the adoption process, support groups can be wonderful resources. We can all learn from others’ experiences. Take your time and find the right group for your family.
Mother’s Day is a time to celebrate all mothers and the special place they have held in our lives throughout the years. It’s time to recognize Mom for her unconditional love and dedication that has helped shape our lives. Families are built many ways, and motherhood certainly isn’t a one-size-fits-all package. Every one of us has at least one woman who served a part in our being here and/or being raised to the best of their ability. No matter where you are on the journey of motherhood, you are to be celebrated.
We understand the worry mixed with excitement. It may not feel right to celebrate something that has not yet come to fruition. Take time to celebrate your mom, grandmother, mother-in-law or any other mother figure in your life, and find some joy in the fact that you’re on the way to being a mom!
We know this day can be difficult as well. Like every other day, it is okay to feel grief for your child on Mother’s Day. Try to remember that all decisions you made during your pregnancy were in the best interest of your child. And that’s what being a parent is all about. You have shown your child courage and unconditional love.
This is a wonderful day for you! Celebrate with your loved ones, and take time to honor your child’s birth mother as well. Even if you are in regular contact with the birth mother, take time to let her know you’re thinking of her on this day. Her loving and courageous act brought you endless joy. For this, you are forever grateful to have many Mother’s Days to celebrate.
You are to be honored for caring for other mothers’ children when they are unable. You must have a heart big enough to welcome these children into your home for a few days or a few years. You are a source of comfort and stability to children who may not have known it before. You have to do some of the hardest “mothering” of all. You all love your children. You are all moms. Happy Mother’s Day!
Happy National Foster Care Month! May is the month when we appreciate all that the foster care system and the foster care professionals and families do for children throughout the United States. This year’s theme is “Empowering Caregivers, Strengthening Families” to highlight prospective and current foster parents and kinship caregivers. Without them, the foster care system could not provide the safe homes many children across the nation need. However, the U.S. foster system tends to get a bad rap — which it doesn’t entirely deserve. A lot of the negative connotations people have with foster care is because of misinformation and a lack of awareness about what exactly the foster care system is and what it does. In honor of Foster Care Awareness Month, we encourage all people to take a few minutes and learn some more about this important government agency — and then share their new knowledge with friends and family.
The foster care system is designed as a safekeeping system for children whose parents need more time or preparation to provide a safer home environment. The ultimate goal of foster care is reunification so, after a parent has completed a reunification plan that prepares them to be more successful parents, a child is typically returned back to the custody of their parents. For those children whose parents cannot complete a reunification plan, they will become available for adoption through the foster care system after their parents’ rights are terminated. Until they are adopted or reach age 18, they will live with foster parents who are fully trained and supported by foster care professionals. Many times, foster parents end up adopting their long-term foster children. More than 400,000 children have found temporary or permanent homes through the foster care system since 1921.
Whether you’re involved in foster care or not, you can always be an advocate for the foster care system. The Children’s Bureau has several ways you can spread information and awareness about the realities of foster care, including through:
The U.S. foster care system needs support every month of the year, not just in May. One of the biggest ways you can get involved is by becoming a foster parent yourself. There are many kind of foster care, including long-term and short-term, and your local Department of Social Services will provide you all the training and support you need to create a safe, loving and nurturing home for foster children. If you can’t become a foster parent, you can still support the foster care system in other ways. Find local programs that support foster care, and participate in fundraisers benefitting foster children. Donate much-needed supplies like pajamas and toiletries for children in temporary care, or offer your specialized services (like photography or web design) to your local agencies for free.
When kids enter foster care, they will usually be given trash bags to carry their belongings. Thank you everyone for decorating and filling Sweet Cases for kids in foster care! || #fosterlove #fostercare #sweetcases #togetherwerise #fostercaremonth A post shared by Together We Rise (@togetherwerise) on May 1, 2017 at 4:08pm PDT
When kids enter foster care, they will usually be given trash bags to carry their belongings. Thank you everyone for decorating and filling Sweet Cases for kids in foster care! || #fosterlove #fostercare #sweetcases #togetherwerise #fostercaremonth
A post shared by Together We Rise (@togetherwerise) on May 1, 2017 at 4:08pm PDT
Being a foster caregiver isn’t always easy, which is why we should all take this month to salute those who have sacrificed their time and energy to provide love and support to children who very much need it. Make the most of National Foster Care Month by sharing your stories, reaching out to the foster care community and adding your voice to a cause that makes a difference in so many lives.
So I’ve been off instagram for almost two months mainly cause I’ve been busy. (It’s hard to keep up with four kids and capture all the moments) May is foster care awareness month and so I’m going to work on posting more attempting to share our journey, the reason we foster, and more information about foster care. So here are some of what I was able to capture over last two months. #fostercare #fostercareawareness #fostercaremonth #fostercareadventures #faithbridgefostercare A post shared by Ty Capistrant (@ty_capistrant) on May 1, 2017 at 7:28am PDT
So I’ve been off instagram for almost two months mainly cause I’ve been busy. (It’s hard to keep up with four kids and capture all the moments) May is foster care awareness month and so I’m going to work on posting more attempting to share our journey, the reason we foster, and more information about foster care. So here are some of what I was able to capture over last two months. #fostercare #fostercareawareness #fostercaremonth #fostercareadventures #faithbridgefostercare
A post shared by Ty Capistrant (@ty_capistrant) on May 1, 2017 at 7:28am PDT
Recent news stories have painted a grim picture of adoption trends in the United States. An April 30 Associated Press article reported that “this is an especially distressing time” for hopeful adoptive parents, citing an overall decline in the number of U.S. adoptions in recent years. As a result, the article claims, would-be parents are forced to face long waiting times and high fees in order to finally build their families. The article, and others like it, perpetuates the popular adoption myth that it’s nearly impossible to adopt a child in the United States. But while the statistics it shares might have some shock value, they may not be telling the whole story.
The National Council for Adoption estimates a 17 percent drop in the total number of adoptions from the U.S., from 133,737 adoptions completed in 2007 to 110,373 adoptions in 2014. However, most of that decline is due to a decrease in international adoptions, which have dropped more than 76 percent since their peak in 2004, according to federal figures. In contrast, “the number of infant adoptions remained relatively stable at about 18,000, as did adoptions out of foster care at about 50,000,” according to the article. This “relatively stable” number suggests that domestic adoption is very much alive and well. In fact, in many ways, domestic adoption today is better than ever, according to an article in Adoptive Families magazine. “The fact that more than 18,000 American families successfully adopt newborn babies in the United States every year belies the widespread misperception that domestic adoption is a difficult, time-consuming, expensive, and risky process,” the article states. While an estimated 1 million families are waiting to adopt at any given time, the vast majority of hopeful parents who choose domestic infant adoption — about 84 percent — are able to adopt a newborn within two years of starting the adoption process, according to Adoptive Families’ latest Adoption Cost and Timing survey. Sixty-four percent of those families adopt within the first year, with some adoption agencies estimating even lower wait times. Still, it’s true that fewer adoptions take place today compared to 35 years ago; U.S. adoptions reached their peak in the 1970s. Plenty has changed since then — the stigma against single motherhood has begun to wane, and abortion became a legally available option for women nationwide following the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision in 1973. These societal changes correlated with a decline in the number of women placing their infants for adoption, down from 9 percent in the 1970s to 1.4 percent in 2002. But despite these numbers, there is nothing to suggest that domestic adoptions are in any danger of dying out. In fact, more couples choose to adopt within the U.S. than internationally each year — and that is likely why adoption numbers have dwindled overall.
International adoption has undergone a more dramatic transformation in the past decade. Increasing domestic adoptions in countries like China have led to a decrease in the children available for international adoption. Other countries, like Russia, have implemented suspensions of adoptions by American families. As a result, the wait times to adopt internationally may be longer. According to Adoptive Families’ Adoption Cost and Timing survey, parents hoping to adopt a healthy infant from China are currently expected to wait more than five years for a referral. However, families who are open to adopting an older, waiting child in China are likely to receive a referral within six months to a year. In light of these increasing wait times, more stringent international adoption policies, the limited availability of healthy infants, and the often complicated process of working with both the U.S. and foreign governments, some couples have decided against international adoption, instead pursuing other family-building options, such as domestic adoption or even gestational surrogacy.
If you are considering adoption for your family, it’s important to remember that every adoption experience is different. While there is no shortage of adoption statistics available online, know that some families will experience waits that are longer or shorter than the average, and that wait times (as well as adoption costs, disruption rates and more) vary significantly based on the type of adoption and the professional you choose. However, it’s also important to have an idea of what to expect from your adoption process. Here are some helpful tips for every hopeful parent considering adoption:
Whatever path you choose for your family, know that adoption can be a viable option for you.
I remember back then, a few days before the court date, when much to my shock, Vicki, the adoptive mom, asked if I’d like to meet the family for lunch after court. At that time I didn’t think I was going to see McKenna until she was 18, so I was beyond thrilled. When I got there, there was this huge gathering and they had flowers, cards, and gifts for me, and I got to see and hold McKenna for the first time in eight months. We took pictures and though it was a whirlwind visit because Larry, the adoptive dad, had been up for hours working then to court, it was one of the happiest days of my life. I have the pictures around the house. Five months later, after 9/11, Vicki decided that she wanted me to be able to see McKenna a couple of times a year at least. And that’s how it’s been ever since. I’m very grateful because on Placement Day, when I put McKenna in their arms as a newborn, I thought I wouldn’t see her again until she was 18.
Since then, McKenna has published two books through her elementary school, was on the cover of Pasadena Lifestyle Newspaper while she attended their space camp along with some other kids, became first chair in the marching band (percussion), got invited to join the National Honor Society recently, battled and overcame a health condition that she was born with, got her first job, volunteered for a few years at the zoo, earned awards, modeled in a fashion show for several years, performed at Mayfest twice, danced in recitals, got her license and her first car, and earned her first paycheck.
It will be 16 years ago this August when I placed my only child for adoption, the hardest and smartest thing I ever did. At one time, my daughter McKenna was just a happy memory, and I understood only a few years ago for the first time in my heart what one birth mom told me a long time ago — that it would get to be like I have a child out there somewhere and that she was happy, but I wouldn’t get sad every time I thought of her and that she would be like a long-lost relative. Today, what a lot of people think is a tragedy because I’m not raising my child, I feel is a great thing because my daughter has a fantastic life, something I couldn’t provide for her. It was a weird feeling back in 2001 and one that I never thought I would get to. I didn’t believe all the moms who had placed seven, ten years ago or more that I would ever feel the way they assured me I would. I imagined myself telling new birth moms that the first year was the hardest and how I hated hearing that when I was new at this, too. I had begun feeling what felt like a little closure as McKenna’s first birthday crept up on me in 2001. It was coming soon and fast. I have a semi-open adoption, which means I get letters, videos, pictures, cards, gifts, emails, and I send the same. I made a scrapbook for McKenna before she was born about my life, and I write her letters on significant holidays and birthdays every year. Luckily, I also get to see her every few months — highly unusual in adoption cases. Unheard of in closed ones. When I used to go to a post-adoption support group, I tried not to bring this good stuff up to the other birth moms who I knew didn’t get many or any pictures or videos, emails, etc. I didn’t want to make them feel bad. And I felt bad for them. At one point I was asked not to talk about seeing her, so I stopped attending the group. My best friend Stephanie, who was my labor coach and with me through the whole thing, once was surprised to hear that I was so privileged. She said she just assumed that all the birth moms got the same information. It used to be that the sound of little girls’ laughter would echo as I left a store, and I would wonder if Id’ ever get through a day when that sound or the sight of a little girl didn’t jerk at my numb heart or threaten to stir up tears. At the time I told myself I’d moved beyond it, but I knew better. A few years passed before I would hear a girl’s laughter or voice that was the same age as McKenna and I’d smile inside and wonder what she was doing that day. People didn’t understand why I sent McKenna gifts or why I wanted to set aside some money for her. “She’s got everything she needs,” they’d say. I do it because I am her mom, because I love her. It wasn’t about McKenna having plenty of toys or books. It is about me being her birth mother.
One time, in a packet of pics and letters from the adoptive mom was a copy of “Bright Futures,” a Gladney publication. Gladney was the adoption center where I lived for nine months while pregnant. An article the adoptive mom had told me about was in there about adoptive parents dropping pebbles (hints) about birth moms to adopted kids as they grew up to prepare them to understand adoption. With every new day, I looked forward to McKenna hearing good things. Terri Rimmer has 33 years of journalism experience, having worked for ten newspapers and some magazines. She wrote for associatedcontent.com, later bought out by Yahoo Voices from 2005-2012. Ms. Rimmer published her e-book “MacKenzie’s Hope” on booklocker.com under the family heading. It’s also listed on adopting.com. In Jan. 2017 her article “Living in Foster Homes as a Teenager” was published by Blue Ribbon Project and in Nov. 2016 her editorial “The Darkest Day” was published by San Diego Gay & Lesbian News and Out in Jersey Magazine. In July 2016, her essay “Pet Tales” was accepted for publication in Pet Sitters World Magazine. Her story about her dog Ripley was published in Dogs Monthly July 26, 2016. In 2007 she won a media award from Associated Content and in 2005 she received a grant from Change, Inc. Also in 2005 her life story Merged Life was published by Lulu and is available online at scribd.com. In 2003 her life story was published online at Adoption Week E-Magazine’s website and in 2002 she received a grant from the PEN American Writer’s Fund in New York City. In 2001 her adoption journal was published online at adoption.about.com and in 1991 she won a Florida Press Association Award for a series of articles she wrote regarding prayer and Bible reading in the schools. She also has experience in public relations and in 1987 earned a journalism scholarship while attending The University of West Georgia as a Mass Communications major.
