“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.” – Melody Beattie
The holiday season is the perfect time of year to reflect on the gratitude of having people impact our lives in positive and healthy ways. Holding an attitude of gratitude can completely change a negative outlook on life into a positive one. Instead of using Christmas as a time for morbid reflection, we can choose to use it as a time to appreciate those people who have shown us love. There is a woman that I know who essentially held my hand throughout my adoption process. She helped me navigate not only the tangible aspects of the process itself, but also helped me sort through some of the emotions that I was experiencing as well. This woman was my adoption professional, and I will forever be grateful to her for what she did for me.
Adoption professionals come in the form of adoption attorneys, adoption agents, adoption counselors, and other individuals who walk along an adoption journey with anyone in the adoption triad. A birth mother should always be able to feel like she can trust her adoption professional to inform her of the adoption process correctly, guide her through the steps of the process, and be there when she needs anything related to the adoption. My adoption agent never made me feel uncomfortable or like I couldn’t trust her. In a time when a woman needs someone to trust, an adoption agent can be that person. While I haven’t spoken to my adoption agent in years, I am still grateful for her and have only fond memories of how she helped me.
My adoption situation with the birth father was very complicated, as is common with a birth father who isn’t supportive of an adoption decision. There were not only state laws and requirements that had to be navigated, but a plethora of emotions I had to deal with. My adoption agent made me feel like she took a personal interest in my adoption being a success. She was there when I needed someone to talk to. She helped me brainstorm when we needed creative ways to deal with my birth father. She connected me with my agency’s attorney and was with me at every meeting. She was thoughtful in what adoptive family profiles she showed me and listened to the desires of my heart for my child.
I highly recommend to any woman considering adoption to find an adoption professional who you trust. If you can’t trust who you are working with when it comes to adoption, then the process will be harder on a birth mother than it needs to be and may be unsuccessful. An adoption professional should be encouraging and supportive. They should know what they are talking about and be versed in their state and county laws for adoption. They are there to make sure the adoption is successful for the entire adoption triad. The adoption triad includes the potential adoptive parents, the prospective birth mother, and the child who is to be placed for adoption.
If you are a woman considering adoption and looking for a trustworthy adoption professional, my suggestion is to begin making phone calls and meeting with adoption professionals. Trust your instincts regarding your adoption professional interview and search, and don’t settle for anyone you feel that you may not be able to trust. If you don’t know where to turn for an adoption decision, consider calling American Adoptions at 1-800-ADOPTION 24/7 and talking to an adoption specialist. Find out what services and resources the adoption agency you are interested in has to offer. Remember that support and resources will be needed even after finalization has occurred, so be mindful of this when you consider what it is you are looking for in not only an adoption professional, but an adoption agency as well. A woman facing an unplanned pregnancy should be encouraged to know that there is someone who can guide her through the adoption process that she can trust, and that should be her adoption professional.
This is the sixth post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
~Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption seven years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
“Whatever you are waiting for – peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of Simple Abundance – it will surely come, but only when you are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach
Healing is a journey, not a destination. There is no end point that we reach where we can say, “I’m done healing now.” Healing is a journey we walk while we are spending this life on earth. We can choose to halt our healing at any point and settle; however, it will only delay the inevitable. We all have something to heal from, whether it’s a difficult upbringing, traumatic situations we encounter as an adult, hurt that someone has wronged us, or choosing to put a child up for adoption.
It is my firm belief that healing is not only a right for every birth mother, but a responsibility. Birth mothers deserve to heal and live fulfilling and satisfying lives after choosing adoption. After all, adoption gives a birth mother a second chance. The child who was placed for adoption will also benefit from his or her birth mother choosing to heal. Whether the birth mother and birth child have a relationship during the child’s life or not, there is always the chance that they will reconnect one day. There are great benefits to walking a path of healing for a birth mother, and I am grateful for my own personal healing journey.
My journey as a birth mother walking a path of healing has not been an easy journey. I had a lot of issues with my self-esteem as it was, and choosing adoption brought up many of those feelings. Not only did I have to face the emotional rollercoaster of adoption, but many issues from my past re-surfaced that I chose to face. I believe that every time a person goes through a traumatic experience, it brings up unhealed issues from the past. We always have the choice as to whether or not we want to face such issues. If we chose to face old wounds, it will hurt for a period of time while we allow them to heal. However, if we choose not to heal our past, those wounds will fester and be harder for us to face when we finally choose to.
My path of healing from choosing adoption began a while after I went through the adoption process. For a period of time, I just wasn’t ready to face how I felt about anything. The pain was so great, it would swallow me for days, weeks, and in the beginning, for months. One morning, something miraculous happened: I woke up and decided I didn’t want to hurt anymore. The morning I made the decision to begin healing, my healing journey began. Throughout my path of healing from adoption, I have learned how to love myself and others in ways I never would have thought possible. I have experienced great sadness, but it has allowed me to appreciate the moments of joy. You can’t truly begin to appreciate happiness until you have truly experienced sadness. I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to walk through my pain because the result has been moments of inexplicable peace, joy, and fulfillment.
Birth mothers have a right and a responsibility to heal. There are healing resources available if you know where to look. A great first step for a woman considering adoption is to pick up the phone and just call an adoption agency. Find out what healing resources they offer as well as the adoption support resources they have. If you don’t know of a local adoption agency, you can contact an adoption professional through this form, and they can take your hand and begin walking through the adoption process with you.
This is the fifth post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.” – Denis Waitley
Happiness is a choice, as is the experience of gratitude. Gratitude is an attitude that we can have if we look for things to be grateful for every day. Every day brings with it an opportunity to be grateful about a situation, a blessing, a person, an experience, etc. If we choose to look at life through the lens of gratitude, then we will experience gratitude on a daily basis. However, if we choose to look at the world from the perspective that we are victims, then we will never truly appreciate what we have.
Choosing adoption didn’t only mean making the sacrifice of being a custodial and legal mother, but it also meant sacrificing unhealthy relationships with people who did not support my adoption decision. Today, I am grateful for the supportive friends and family who stood by me through my adoption decision, and the relationships that have healed in my present life.
Choosing adoption is a decision that a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy may make, and then find that there are friends and family members who will not support her decision. I have come to the conclusion throughout the past seven years as a birth mother that it is possible to forgive the feelings of betrayal from unsupportive friends and family members when it comes to the decision for adoption. I have found that the greatest reason for lack of support has to do with a misunderstanding of why an adoption decision is made. Unsupportive friends and family members may truly not understand the beauty of adoption for years to come, if ever. This doesn’t mean they are bad people, just that they are uneducated in the beauty of adoption. I have also learned that unsupportive friends and family members are afraid to face their own emotions when it comes to adoption. They may feel that they are losing someone they have never had the chance to love.
It is important to remember those who stand by you through an adoption decision, and let them know how grateful you are for them. In my experience, I had a few friends and family members who honestly supported me. They were my rock while I was going through the adoption process. They encouraged me and loved me through the entire process in the best way they knew how. Some of them listened to me express my pain, some were a shoulder to cry on, and some shared the moments of joy I experienced throughout the process. No matter the form of support from a friend or family member, it is important to remain grateful for it.
Forgive the friends and family members who do not support your adoption decision, because holding on to that anger only hurts yourself in the long run. It is toxic to carry long-term resentments toward anyone. Healing is possible, and forgiveness is possible. Through the healing process, it will hurt to face those feelings of betrayal, but feelings are temporary and healing and forgiveness are possible. If you find yourself in the position to show gratitude to those you love, then take advantage of every moment you have to do so. If you find that you are facing feelings of betrayal, then focus your attention on healing activities that produce forgiveness in the heart.
Remember that no matter what you go through as a birth mother, healing is a right and a responsibility. If you have the chance to thank someone today for being supportive of you as a birth mother, then tell them. Life is too short to risk losing the people who love you without being grateful for them. If at any time, you just need to talk to someone about what you are going through as a birth mother, please complete this form and you will be connected to an adoption specialist who can discuss unplanned pregnancy options along with offering healing support resources.
This is the fourth post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” – Melody Beattie
Hindsight is 20/20 when it comes to gratitude. In the thick of the forest, we are unable to see through the trees and hold a clear vision for our destination. Pain can be blinding, and our eyes may not be able to adjust properly in such a dark place. However, once we have walked through the fire, we can look back at what we have been through and see the purpose in it. We can be grateful for our walk, if for no other reason than it made us stronger. I felt like this when it came to anyone ever falling in love with me after choosing adoption. Today, I am grateful for the man that I call my husband, and that I can now see how choosing adoption didn’t make me less loveable, it made me more loveable.
The love from our parents, or our caretakers, is the first true love we ever become consciously aware of. After that, we meet peers, lovers, mentors, and others who embrace us on the path of life. However, when we go through hard times, the most important love we experience may seem difficult to find, and that is self-love. Self-love is the ability to create a love for us from ourselves. Self-love is about enjoying being with ourselves and cherishing who we are. Of course, self-love leads to self-respect. The love and respect we hold for ourselves is what determines our standards for how others in our lives will show us love. If we have low self-worth, and a lack o f self-respect, we will have no reason to hold others to higher standards when it comes to how they show us love and respect. I struggled with self-love quite a bit after choosing adoption, and it showed in my personal relationships.
In my experience, I held a lot of shame for choosing adoption for a period of time. While I knew it was the right choice for my son and I, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I was a failure as a woman. The bittersweet emotions that come with choosing adoption are difficult to navigate. There is no black-and-white world for a birth mother. We deal in mostly gray areas. I was afraid that no man would ever love me again after I failed as a parent. At least, that is how I felt. I didn’t have enough self-esteem to create a self-love and self-respect that would be reflected in my romantic and intimate relationships, and it showed. Then, I met my husband and everything began to change.
My husband was not only intrigued by the fact that I chose adoption, but found it incredibly brave and selfless. He knew my reasons had everything to do with how much I love and loved my child. He respected me for the decision that I made even when I struggled with respecting myself for it. It was as if he gave me permission to forgive myself and begin to love myself again. I couldn’t create the love and forgiveness for myself until someone stepped in and showed me that healing in that arena was a possibility. My husband is the one who helped me walk through the thick of the forest. He is the one who showed me that I was worth loving. That was exactly what I needed to finish pulling through when it came to self-respect and self-love.
If you are a birth mother who finds herself in a similar emotional rut, be encouraged that there is hope for you. You will go through many emotions, but as long as you face them, healing is possible. My experience has taught me that it doesn’t matter who loves you through your pain, as long as at least one person can. There is a phrase I learned in recovery from drugs and alcohol that has stuck with me ever since I was introduced to it: “We will love you until you love yourself.” This phrase gives others permission to love you, until you can accept the permission that they give you to love yourself again, or maybe for the first time ever.
Birth mothers should be encouraged to allow other people to love them. Don’t be afraid to let someone love you, because sometimes it is the best medicine to loving yourself again. If you have chosen adoption and can’t seem to find forgiveness and peace within yourself, please reach out and ask for help. There are healing resources available to you in the form of the anonymous internet, one-on-one therapy, birth mother support groups, etc. If you are considering adoption and concerned that these issues may arise for you, contact an adoption agency that can place you in support services right away. Starting the healing process sooner rather than later will only benefit you. Feel free to reach out to an adoption professional through this form. Remember that you are not alone and that if anyone loves you while you find self-love as a birth mother, it is me.
This is the third post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
Gratitude is about recognizing blessings and then counting them. It is not enough to just say you’re grateful. Gratitude required focus to turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts. Gratitude can transform a bad experience into a good one. It can take a bleak outlook and make it hopeful.
As a woman who chose adoption, I am grateful for the experience of learning about adoption. Not only have I gained much insight and information on adoption throughout the years, but I have also had the opportunity to educate others on adoption. Adoption education is not just for the woman facing an unplanned pregnancy. Adoption education is also for those curious about adoption, or for those who have been affected by adoption, or for anyone who wants to learn more about the beauty in adoption. On the 11th day before Christmas, I am a birth mother who is grateful for adoption education.
Adoption education is all about learning what adoption is for the entire adoption triad and its implications for society. The U.S. has not always been a place where choosing adoption was encouraged. In fact, for a period of time, it was considered to bring great shame upon a birth mother. In fact, for a long time in this country, open adoption wasn’t even an option for the prospective birth mother. However, as society has evolved, so has its outlook on adoption. Adoption is now an option for any woman considering choosing adoption. Not only that, but she can also choose the level of openness within her adoption. Whether open, semi-open, or closed, adoption is now more acceptable than ever in the U.S. — thanks in large part to better adoption education and increased understanding.
I wasn’t raised in a family where adoption was talked about because we didn’t have anyone who was affected by adoption in my family. However, I did grow up with peers in school who were adopted. My mother taught me to love everyone, regardless of where they came from or what their situation was. Acceptance and love for others was instilled in me then, and I never saw adoption as a bad thing. However, it wouldn’t be until a decade later that I actually began paying attention to adoption. Once I decided that adoption was going to be the best option for my child and myself, I began learning about it. While there were many people around me who were not educated on the process of adoption or the beauty of it, I was able to embrace it. I have since had many opportunities to educate loved ones and even strangers on the beauty of adoption.
The reason that I am grateful for adoption education is because there are still old, negative stereotypes that people in society believe about adoption. The idea that placing a baby up for adoption is “giving up” on your baby is still prevalent in the thought process of society today. “Giving up a baby for adoption” is far from giving up on your baby. Adoption is a selfless gift of love that birth mothers can give to their children. Adoption education is offered by many organizations, especially religious organizations and adoption agencies. If you are considering adoption for your baby and want to learn more about it, there are many resources available in this day and age with technology that can assist you in educating yourself on adoption.
There are misconceptions when it comes to society’s view on adoption. Adoption education aims to break society out of these stereotypes and bring the truth away from the myths of adoption: to bring the beauty of adoption to light. Modern adoption brings so many options with it for a prospective birth mother. A prospective birth mother has the opportunity to walk through an adoption process with confidence as she creates her adoption plan with an adoption professional, chooses an adoptive family, and proceeds with placement. Life after placement doesn’t mean years of pain and heartbreak for birth mothers anymore. Healing for any birth mother is possible with the right support and resources.
If you find yourself in the position of seeking out adoption education, please feel free to contact an adoption professional for free, no-obligation adoption information. As a woman who chose adoption, I have found adoption education to be invaluable in my life and healing process. I now have an understanding of the beauty of adoption, whereas before, adoption wasn’t even on my radar. I also am grateful for the opportunities I have to educate other on the beauty of adoption. Remember that no matter where you may be on your adoption journey, educating yourself on the beauty of adoption will only help you along the way.
This is the second post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.” – Brian Tracy
Gratitude is an attitude towards yourself and others around you. It is about appreciating whatever you are going through and having hope through the experience. No matter how bleak a situation may seem, gratitude in the situation will help you see a light at the end of the tunnel.
As a woman who chose adoption, I know how important the attitude of gratitude is, especially around the holidays. A lot of people suffer from depression through the holidays, especially around Christmastime. Defeating depression with an attitude of gratitude is a great coping tool that holds long-term benefits. On Day 12 of Adoption Gratitude, I am grateful for the fact that I had the option of adoption when my situation looked hopeless.
Adoption is an option for any woman who has already given birth or who is experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. There are so many different situations that a woman may find herself in when it comes to an unexpected pregnancy. There is the young mother, the single mother, the mother who already has children, etc. Whatever your situation is, know that adoption is an option. All throughout the U.S., there are local and national adoption agencies who are there to guide an expectant mother through an adoption process. Putting a child up for adoption is a great way to honor the life of a child, make a sacrifice out of love, and still have some sort of relationship with that child.
As a young and single mother for six months, I felt hopeless. I had all the emotions that come along with an unplanned pregnancy, including grief, fear, and confusion. I didn’t know what to do about my situation. I barely knew the birth father, had very little support, and was young and still in college. I knew that raising a baby was going to be challenging, but I honestly believed keeping my baby was the right decision. While I had the thought of adoption come into my mind here and there along the way, I didn’t take the thought seriously until my son was five months old. I finally hit a point in my frustration and depression that I called out to God for help. It was then that I realized: The right option for me was to place my baby up for adoption. It was then that a sense of peace came upon me.
I am grateful for the option of adoption because of the opportunities that it has blessed myself and my child with. Knowing that adoption was an option kept me going and pushing myself to do better and be better. I knew that if I couldn’t handle raising a baby at the point I was in at the time in my life, there was another way. I didn’t have to make a decision that I would later regret when I was scared and pregnant. I had the choice to give my child a better life through different parents. In return, I was given a new life for myself. Knowing that the option of adoption exists can bring great comfort to a woman experiencing all the emotions that come with an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy. I’m ever so grateful that I knew adoption was an option. I wasn’t trapped in the situation that I was in. There is always a way to make it better. If you are facing an unplanned pregnancy, please be encouraged in knowing that adoption is an option.
It’s not enough to just know that adoption is an option; it takes gathering information and understanding this choice to help a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy to make an adoption decision.
Defining adoption may seem simple, but its definition for each individual birth mother is based on her experience with it. There is a lot of information that exists regarding adoption, but at first, it is best to gain a basic understanding of the adoption process. It is also important to know that after placement has occurred, there will be a healing journey that a birth mother will go through. Be encouraged that while the option of adoption can bring negative feelings associated with grief, it can also be incredibly rewarding in the long-run.
The option of adoption is a beautiful unplanned pregnancy alternative. Not only does it give a woman facing an unexpected pregnancy a second chance at life, but it also is one of the greatest gifts a mother can give a child: a better life through different parents. If you are a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy and you find yourself considering adoption, please reach out for guidance by contacting an adoption professional. An adoption specialist can provide you with resources and support while you are considering an adoption decision. Be grateful for the option of adoption, for it is a choice that, when it’s right, can bring great peace and joy.
This is the first post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
When Scott Mars was adopted at 10 days old, neither he nor his parents could have anticipated how adoption would impact the rest of their lives. Not only did it bring his parents the child they had always wanted, but it would lead them to foster more than 100 babies — and eventually help build thousands of families in the decades to come. But, how? Scott Mars recently shared his story with ConsideringAdoption.com to help spread awareness about the possibilities of adoption and other family-building options and to give an insight into one of the largest adoption agencies in the country. Read his story below:
Like many adoptive couples, Ted and Susan Mars had tried for years to have a biological child. But, six miscarriages in seven years led them to another path: infant adoption. They knew they both wanted to become parents — and that they could love a child the same whether or not they were genetically related. So, after choosing a professional and waiting for their placement call, Ted and Susan adopted Scott when he was just 10 days old. “It was the most exciting moment of our lives when our social worker brought him into the room,” Susan remembers. “I asked her to let his daddy hold him first. It was a moment I will never forget. There is no greater gift that can be given to someone.” Although he had a closed adoption, Scott Mars grew up in a household that celebrated his adoption story, including his birth parents’ decision to place him for adoption. Although he didn’t know his birth mother’s name or what she looked like, his parents always told him what a wonderful woman she was for selflessly choosing adoption — giving him opportunities that she couldn’t provide at that time. At the same time, Scott gave his parents a gift of parenthood that they were eternally grateful for. “Every day I realize how important I am to my parents,” Mars says. “The fact that I was adopted doesn’t matter. It is simply another way to become a parent.” For Mars, adoption was about more than just his own experience. During his childhood, Ted and Susan decided to become a temporary foster home for infants. Mars says his mother loved babies, and becoming a foster parent allowed them to provide temporary care for more than 140 infants during his childhood. Scott admits that he spent a great deal of his childhood hoping one of their temporary placements would become his sibling. Alas, it was not meant to be — but being a foster sibling provided him a beautiful experience helping those who truly needed it. “It made my mom feel good, to be a part of that bridge — knowing that someone did that for me, so here’s a way to kind of pay it forward,” Mars said. “While this was a fantastic experience, we felt we had more to give.”
When Scott Mars was in college, his parents mentioned an idea they had: to start a private domestic infant adoption agency to help people who had experienced the same struggles as them. Scott was thrilled at the idea, but he had one request — that they wait until he graduated, so he could start the business with them. After Scott graduated, he and his parents started work on what would eventually become American Adoptions. Small and family-run at first, the agency grew into one of the biggest adoption agencies in the country. Now, American Adoptions helps complete hundreds of adoption each year across the United States, matching hopeful adoptive parents with brave women choosing to give their children a better life through adoption. From the beginning, Scott Mars and his family knew they wanted to create a new kind of adoption agency — one that provided as much support to prospective birth parents as it did to adoptive parents. Today, American Adoptions is an industry leader in open adoption relationships. All prospective birth mothers who contact the Mars’ adoption agency are given the opportunity for open and semi-open adoption. As a result, more than 90 percent of the women who place with American Adoptions choose some form of open adoption.
It’s something that Scott is proud of. While he has since made contact with his own birth mother and the two have fostered a positive, respectful relationship, he remembers the challenges of growing up in a closed adoption. “Adoptees always have thoughts around their health history — ‘Where did my green eyes come from? How did I get my brown hair?’ I always wondered when I was little,” he says. By starting American Adoptions with his and his family’s experiences in mind, Scott Mars sees American Adoptions as a way to “give back” for their own adoption story. But, for Mars, adoption wasn’t the only way to do this.
Over American Adoptions 25-year history, Scott Mars and his team have worked with many hopeful parents — and not all of them ended up choosing adoption. As technology has advanced, so have the methods of assisted reproduction. The options for hopeful parents today are much more varied — and confusing — than ever before. Scott had an idea: to become experienced in as many of these areas as possible to provide the best counseling to hopeful parents. Thus, Mars and his team started a new endeavor: a gestational surrogacy program, a sister agency called American Surrogacy. “What happens right now is, individually, each person — whether that be an adoption agency or fertility specialist — is telling you everything about their practice. But, they don’t know everything about where you are truly at and all of the family-building methods,” Mars says. “We really believe that there has to be more ways to help people.” When hopeful parents contact either American Adoptions or American Surrogacy, they are connected with a specialist who is experienced in both of these processes of family-building. Their questions are answered truthfully and in detail to help them determine which option is right for them. That being said, adoption or surrogacy may not be the best option for all hopeful parents, so Scott Mars and his team are focused on giving hopeful parents the information they need to move forward, whatever their chosen path ends up being. “The reality in life is the toughest journeys allow us to appreciate things more fully,” Mars says. “Nothing significant in life is ever gained from cutting corners. In the end, all your pain and doubt will wash away the first moment your baby snuggles in your arms. It will not matter how you became parents; it will only matter that you did.”
