“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.” – Brian Tracy
Gratitude is an attitude towards yourself and others around you. It is about appreciating whatever you are going through and having hope through the experience. No matter how bleak a situation may seem, gratitude in the situation will help you see a light at the end of the tunnel.
As a woman who chose adoption, I know how important the attitude of gratitude is, especially around the holidays. A lot of people suffer from depression through the holidays, especially around Christmastime. Defeating depression with an attitude of gratitude is a great coping tool that holds long-term benefits. On Day 12 of Adoption Gratitude, I am grateful for the fact that I had the option of adoption when my situation looked hopeless.
Adoption is an option for any woman who has already given birth or who is experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. There are so many different situations that a woman may find herself in when it comes to an unexpected pregnancy. There is the young mother, the single mother, the mother who already has children, etc. Whatever your situation is, know that adoption is an option. All throughout the U.S., there are local and national adoption agencies who are there to guide an expectant mother through an adoption process. Putting a child up for adoption is a great way to honor the life of a child, make a sacrifice out of love, and still have some sort of relationship with that child.
As a young and single mother for six months, I felt hopeless. I had all the emotions that come along with an unplanned pregnancy, including grief, fear, and confusion. I didn’t know what to do about my situation. I barely knew the birth father, had very little support, and was young and still in college. I knew that raising a baby was going to be challenging, but I honestly believed keeping my baby was the right decision. While I had the thought of adoption come into my mind here and there along the way, I didn’t take the thought seriously until my son was five months old. I finally hit a point in my frustration and depression that I called out to God for help. It was then that I realized: The right option for me was to place my baby up for adoption. It was then that a sense of peace came upon me.
I am grateful for the option of adoption because of the opportunities that it has blessed myself and my child with. Knowing that adoption was an option kept me going and pushing myself to do better and be better. I knew that if I couldn’t handle raising a baby at the point I was in at the time in my life, there was another way. I didn’t have to make a decision that I would later regret when I was scared and pregnant. I had the choice to give my child a better life through different parents. In return, I was given a new life for myself. Knowing that the option of adoption exists can bring great comfort to a woman experiencing all the emotions that come with an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy. I’m ever so grateful that I knew adoption was an option. I wasn’t trapped in the situation that I was in. There is always a way to make it better. If you are facing an unplanned pregnancy, please be encouraged in knowing that adoption is an option.
It’s not enough to just know that adoption is an option; it takes gathering information and understanding this choice to help a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy to make an adoption decision.
Defining adoption may seem simple, but its definition for each individual birth mother is based on her experience with it. There is a lot of information that exists regarding adoption, but at first, it is best to gain a basic understanding of the adoption process. It is also important to know that after placement has occurred, there will be a healing journey that a birth mother will go through. Be encouraged that while the option of adoption can bring negative feelings associated with grief, it can also be incredibly rewarding in the long-run.
The option of adoption is a beautiful unplanned pregnancy alternative. Not only does it give a woman facing an unexpected pregnancy a second chance at life, but it also is one of the greatest gifts a mother can give a child: a better life through different parents. If you are a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy and you find yourself considering adoption, please reach out for guidance by contacting an adoption professional. An adoption specialist can provide you with resources and support while you are considering an adoption decision. Be grateful for the option of adoption, for it is a choice that, when it’s right, can bring great peace and joy.
This is the first post in a 12-part series on gratitude in adoption. Stay tuned for more.
~Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption seven years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
When Scott Mars was adopted at 10 days old, neither he nor his parents could have anticipated how adoption would impact the rest of their lives. Not only did it bring his parents the child they had always wanted, but it would lead them to foster more than 100 babies — and eventually help build thousands of families in the decades to come. But, how? Scott Mars recently shared his story with ConsideringAdoption.com to help spread awareness about the possibilities of adoption and other family-building options and to give an insight into one of the largest adoption agencies in the country. Read his story below:
Like many adoptive couples, Ted and Susan Mars had tried for years to have a biological child. But, six miscarriages in seven years led them to another path: infant adoption. They knew they both wanted to become parents — and that they could love a child the same whether or not they were genetically related. So, after choosing a professional and waiting for their placement call, Ted and Susan adopted Scott when he was just 10 days old. “It was the most exciting moment of our lives when our social worker brought him into the room,” Susan remembers. “I asked her to let his daddy hold him first. It was a moment I will never forget. There is no greater gift that can be given to someone.” Although he had a closed adoption, Scott Mars grew up in a household that celebrated his adoption story, including his birth parents’ decision to place him for adoption. Although he didn’t know his birth mother’s name or what she looked like, his parents always told him what a wonderful woman she was for selflessly choosing adoption — giving him opportunities that she couldn’t provide at that time. At the same time, Scott gave his parents a gift of parenthood that they were eternally grateful for. “Every day I realize how important I am to my parents,” Mars says. “The fact that I was adopted doesn’t matter. It is simply another way to become a parent.” For Mars, adoption was about more than just his own experience. During his childhood, Ted and Susan decided to become a temporary foster home for infants. Mars says his mother loved babies, and becoming a foster parent allowed them to provide temporary care for more than 140 infants during his childhood. Scott admits that he spent a great deal of his childhood hoping one of their temporary placements would become his sibling. Alas, it was not meant to be — but being a foster sibling provided him a beautiful experience helping those who truly needed it. “It made my mom feel good, to be a part of that bridge — knowing that someone did that for me, so here’s a way to kind of pay it forward,” Mars said. “While this was a fantastic experience, we felt we had more to give.”
When Scott Mars was in college, his parents mentioned an idea they had: to start a private domestic infant adoption agency to help people who had experienced the same struggles as them. Scott was thrilled at the idea, but he had one request — that they wait until he graduated, so he could start the business with them. After Scott graduated, he and his parents started work on what would eventually become American Adoptions. Small and family-run at first, the agency grew into one of the biggest adoption agencies in the country. Now, American Adoptions helps complete hundreds of adoption each year across the United States, matching hopeful adoptive parents with brave women choosing to give their children a better life through adoption. From the beginning, Scott Mars and his family knew they wanted to create a new kind of adoption agency — one that provided as much support to prospective birth parents as it did to adoptive parents. Today, American Adoptions is an industry leader in open adoption relationships. All prospective birth mothers who contact the Mars’ adoption agency are given the opportunity for open and semi-open adoption. As a result, more than 90 percent of the women who place with American Adoptions choose some form of open adoption.
It’s something that Scott is proud of. While he has since made contact with his own birth mother and the two have fostered a positive, respectful relationship, he remembers the challenges of growing up in a closed adoption. “Adoptees always have thoughts around their health history — ‘Where did my green eyes come from? How did I get my brown hair?’ I always wondered when I was little,” he says. By starting American Adoptions with his and his family’s experiences in mind, Scott Mars sees American Adoptions as a way to “give back” for their own adoption story. But, for Mars, adoption wasn’t the only way to do this.
Over American Adoptions 25-year history, Scott Mars and his team have worked with many hopeful parents — and not all of them ended up choosing adoption. As technology has advanced, so have the methods of assisted reproduction. The options for hopeful parents today are much more varied — and confusing — than ever before. Scott had an idea: to become experienced in as many of these areas as possible to provide the best counseling to hopeful parents. Thus, Mars and his team started a new endeavor: a gestational surrogacy program, a sister agency called American Surrogacy. “What happens right now is, individually, each person — whether that be an adoption agency or fertility specialist — is telling you everything about their practice. But, they don’t know everything about where you are truly at and all of the family-building methods,” Mars says. “We really believe that there has to be more ways to help people.” When hopeful parents contact either American Adoptions or American Surrogacy, they are connected with a specialist who is experienced in both of these processes of family-building. Their questions are answered truthfully and in detail to help them determine which option is right for them. That being said, adoption or surrogacy may not be the best option for all hopeful parents, so Scott Mars and his team are focused on giving hopeful parents the information they need to move forward, whatever their chosen path ends up being. “The reality in life is the toughest journeys allow us to appreciate things more fully,” Mars says. “Nothing significant in life is ever gained from cutting corners. In the end, all your pain and doubt will wash away the first moment your baby snuggles in your arms. It will not matter how you became parents; it will only matter that you did.”
A new report released in cooperation with the Center for American Progress, the North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC) and Voice for Adoption has found that increasing discrimination against would-be LGBT adoptive parents will likely exacerbate the ongoing crisis for children in the foster care system and those looking for a forever family.
The report stems from recent moves by legislatures around the country to, in the name of religious freedom, allow state-funded adoption agencies to discriminate against those who do not share their religious beliefs. In many cases, these restrictions are targeted specifically to gay and lesbian hopeful adoptive parents.
In the recently released report, adoption and LGBT rights experts explore the current legal landscape or protections and discrimination for LGBT foster and adoptive parents; the impacts of religious exemptions on the nation’s child welfare systems; and possible recommendations for how to best eliminate discrimination against LGBT foster and adoptive parents.
You can read the full report here. We’ve also listed some of the most important findings below:
With more than 440,000 children in foster care nationwide — and about 20,000 aging out of the system each year without a permanent family — making it harder for families to foster or adopt children from the state foster care systems stresses an already stressed system. Some of these states with faith-based adoption legislation are already facing intense scrutiny and difficulties in safely providing homes for children, as it is.
In addition, in 42 states, LGBT foster and adoptive parents are not protected by laws or policies explicitly prohibiting discrimination in the foster care system.
According to the report, same-sex couples raising children are seven times more likely to be raising a foster child and seven times more likely to be raising an adopted child than opposite-sex couples are. They’re also more likely to adopt older children and children with special needs. Therefore, LGBT foster and adoptive parents have a disproportionately positive effect on the foster care system than heterosexual parents.
In the last decade, a majority of Americans have continually supported the legal right of LGBT couples to adopt. Today, more than two-thirds of Americans oppose allowing federally funded child-placing agencies to refuse placements with LGBT individuals and couples, and more than half of Americans oppose these refusals regardless of whether the agency is federally funded.
One study in the report looks at three of the most populous cities in Texas. Within their greater metropolitan areas, no agencies existed that explicitly affirmed LGBT individuals’ rights to adopt with that agency. In turn, it would be much less likely for LGBT parents in those areas to pursue the option of adoption, when facing discriminatory legislation.
From 2012 to 2017, the number of children in the foster care system increased by 11 percent. Experts expect this increase to continue, with one clear contributor being the opioid epidemic. In 2016, more than one-third of removals involved drug abuse by a parent. Some of the states with the biggest increases in children in foster care are also the states hit hardest by the epidemic.
When children in foster care cannot be placed in foster homes, they must be placed in group homes, instead. These placements cost seven to 10 times more than placing a child in a foster family placement. By restricting the number of LGBT parents who can foster, states reduce the number of available foster homes — spending more money to provide care for children in other ways.
In addition, when children are adopted from foster care by loving parents, the state no longer has to pay as much (or anything) to provide care for the child. The report estimates suggest that each child adopted from foster care reduces state and federal sending by almost $29,000 annually.
The report offers three ways to prevent discrimination against LGBT foster and adoptive parents, who are such an integral part of the foster care system. These suggestions are:
The report concludes: “LGBTQ parents cannot solve the child welfare crisis on their own, but they can certainly help. The nation owes it to the young people in care to give them every chance possible at finding a permanent family.”
Read more about LGBT adoption here.
What makes a mother in the first place? What is the difference between a good mother and a great mother? How can you judge whether a mother is great or not?
There are so many different types of mothers parenting in modern-day society. There are legal mothers, custodial mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers, adoptive mothers, natural mothers, spiritual mothers, and more. With all these different mothers raising our children, how are we to judge which ones are good and which ones are great?
The difference between a good mom and a great mom is as simple as this: A good mother loves her children unconditionally, but a great mother also makes sacrifices unconditionally for that love.
I know all types of mothers, and all of them are great mothers because they all make tough sacrifices for their children. Birth mothers are great mothers, too — and not just because they choose adoption.
Birth mothers not only choose a better life for their children with different parents, but they also continue to be birth mothers for the rest of their lives. Birth mothers make plenty of sacrifices after choosing adoption for their children, including facing friends and family, continuing a relationship with their child in an open adoption, and always knowing there is a child out there who calls another woman “mommy.”
How can we minimize or even judge the sacrifices that all mothers make, regardless of what those sacrifices are? Every mother in her own way is a great mother, including every birth mother.
Prospective birth mothers have a lot to consider when it comes to making an adoption decision. Not only do they have to decide if adoption is right for them, but also who they will choose to raise their babies and how they will continue forward in their own lives.
I know firsthand that adoption comes with even more sacrifices than just grieving the role of legal and custodial mother. There were so many sacrifices that I had to make as the result of my adoption decision. For example, I was abandoned by many loved ones when I placed my child for adoption. I had family members threaten me, bribe me and disown me. I lost many relationships as a result of my adoption.
The sacrifices that birth mothers make for the sake of their adopted birth children are monumental. All of these sacrifices equate to the fact that birth mothers are great mothers!
When a prospective birth mother is considering choosing adoption for her baby, I can almost guarantee you she is thinking about the future of her child. She will be asking herself many questions, some of which include:
Those are only some of the questions that I know went through my mind when I was a prospective birth mother.
Today, I have new and different questions about the future of my child after being a birth mother for more than seven years. I know that I am not the only birth mother who considers her child’s future, no matter where she is on her journey in life, and that is just one reason why birth mothers are great mothers!
No matter their personal circumstances, birth mothers are undoubtedly great mothers to their children. The sacrifices that we make for our children and the future that we consider for them as a result of our decisions are only a few of the many reasons that make birth mothers great mothers.
Unfortunately, birth mothers are not typically recognized as great mothers. Therefore, I challenge you to find a birth mother and do something to make her feel as great as I know that she is! If you ever have the opportunity to interact with a birth mother, take it as a chance to make her feel special. I know that it will touch her heart, and probably yours as well.
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
National Adoption Month is a time for everyone who has been touched by adoption to celebrate children in foster care being gifted with forever homes. Across the country, finalization hearings taking place in November are extra special. To help celebrate, organizations like NationalAdoptionDay.org offer the opportunity through their website for anyone to organize a National Adoption Day event. In this way, anyone can get involved in National Adoption Day 2018!
Birth mothers, like me, may find different ways of celebrating the national holiday — and that is always our right. But, birth mothers across the nation are also encouraged to celebrate in more creative ways like gifting their children something memorable, educating friends and family on the benefits of adoption, or doing something special to encourage their own healing process. No matter how a birth mother celebrates National Adoption Month 2018, it is most important to remember that healing should be a personal and healthy journey, and that love is not defined by flesh and blood.
While birth mothers are an integral part of the adoption triad, they’re not the only ones celebrating National Adoption Month.
Adoptive families are the ones who this holiday is celebrating, so they have a big reason to join in the fun! Many adoptive parents are required to sacrifice financially and waive their privacy in order to even qualify as a waiting family with a profile for any adoption agency. Regardless of where adoptive parents choose to adopt from, it takes a large amount of faith and effort to become parents, and that is something that deserves to be celebrated!
Adoptive families can do many things to celebrate National Adoption Month. This could mean anything from creating a family adoption craft to hosting an adoption event in their community. Here are some great ideas for ways your adoptive family can enjoy National Adoption Month:
Adoptees, regardless of where they from or how they became an adoptee, are greatly encouraged to celebrate National Adoption Month in whatever ways they are comfortable with. Just being an adoptee is something to celebrate! Here are some great ideas for adoptees to join in the festivities:
Adoptees are ever so special in the adoption triad and are the reason that there is one in the first place!
Even courts are getting involved in celebrating National Adoption Month 2018! In Dayton, Ohio, the Montgomery County Probate Court held an event to celebrate finalizations for foster care. Organizer Lori Smith shared their excitement for the event beforehand:
“We will celebrate NAD by finalizing agency adoptions all day on the 16th of November! We will transform the Court into an Adoption Theme Story. This year we are celebrating ‘Ohana,’ which means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. Each child will receive a bag full of goodies that is put together by Judge’s staff and by different companies that will be mentioned in our Court Chronicle. Every year, Judge’s staff will dress up in character or with the theme to help celebrate the celebration of a child finding their forever family!”
There is so much to celebrate during National Adoption Month 2018 for everyone touched by adoption. No one should get left behind when it comes to joyously celebrating forever homes for children, including birth mothers. After all, Ohana means family, and family means no one gets left behind!
My first priority as a birth mother is to love my child every day in the best ways I know how. For me, that means working every day on walking a path of healing and toward a better future for myself. On this journey, I have experienced immense joy and heartbreaking loss. Nothing could ever hurt as bad, and nothing could ever feel as good as choosing adoption. I do not regret my adoption decision because I know within the depths of my soul that I made the best choice I could in the time that I was facing the decision. I celebrate National Adoption Month every day by making a daily decision to create a better life through my actions, faith, and healing.
If you are a birth mother looking for a way to celebrate National Adoption Month, consider celebrating yourself. Celebrate your victory in a successful adoption. Celebrate your post-placement relationship. Celebrate your bravery, strength and courage. Be kind to yourself on this healing journey, for no one is perfect. Most of all, if you need a support or someone to talk to, please consider reaching out. You are not alone.
So, go and celebrate National Adoption Month 2018 as a proud birth mother who stands for a more accepting future for birth mothers across the nation!
Read Part 1: A History here.
Read Part 2: Recent Adoption Statistics here.
As a part of my quest to learn more about National Adoption Month in the U.S., I decided to see what types of statistics were made available to the public regarding anything adoption. I also narrowed my searches with more specific information requests like open adoption yearly statistics. Unfortunately, there is a lack of data available on adoption.
As a nation, we can look at this and realize that adoption is highly undervalued in society today. As a birth mother, I don’t need statistics to tell me that choosing adoption and becoming a birth mother means being judged and stereotyped at times. However, I also see much progress being made in enough places by enough strong women to be encouraged.
Here are the most recent adoption statistics I was able to find:
The most recent statistics related to adoptions in the U.S. are from 2014. The data was gathered and dissected through the help of the National Council for Adoption. These are the most recent findings:
– Adoption: By the Numbers, National Council for Adoption, 2017
The government does not require any form of statistics to be reported from private adoption agencies and other adoption professionals beyond the foster care system, as managed by the Department of Health and Human Services. This means that while there are plenty of statistics out there about adoption from foster care, there is very little information about the brave birth mothers who choose adoption for their children voluntarily. The only voluntary or private adoption research must be done by various organizations who decide to take on such a task. Private research is something we don’t see frequently in the voluntary adoption community. However, there are some amazing organizations across the country funding such research.
The National Council for Adoption completes such research every five years in order to help educate society on voluntary adoption statistics. If you are interested in becoming an advocate for the National Council for Adoption, you can sign up for their email list.
In my opinion, National Adoption Month is a wonderful event that should be celebrated with excitement, gratitude, and educational awareness. I think we should all understand why National Adoption Month is such an important celebration and share articles like this on social media. I think we should learn more about the benefits of open adoption by spending more time educating ourselves and less time judging one another. I think we should all love our children in the best ways that we are able to, and never take any of the moments with them for granted, no matter how few or frequent they may be.
However, this research shows that National Adoption Month has historically had little to do with the women who choose adoption for their babies. Being a birth mother still has yet to be celebrated by the nation. While it’s certainly important and worthwhile to celebrate foster care adoption, I believe National Adoption Month could do more to celebrate birth mothers in all forms of adoption.
What can we do about this: we can become our own advocates and change the way our sphere of influence perceives adoption. We can educate our family and friends on how beautiful choosing adoption can be, and maybe, just maybe, they will educate someone else.
Or even better, they will be able to be a support in an adoption situation they may know of.
Stay tuned for more thoughts on National Adoption Month next week!
