Adoption is not something that is yet considered “normal” by society. While adoption is much more accepted now than ever in the U.S., it is still something that seems to touch very few. How many people do you know who are affected by adoption?
The truth is, adoption is definitely something that should be considered “normal.”
To achieve a level of normality in society for adoption, we can begin with “normalizing” adoption within our own lives. Birth mothers and adoptive parents can begin “normalizing” adoption in their own lives with the child who was placed for adoption.
The first step in normalizing adoption for an adoptee is for the adoptive parents to create a welcoming, inclusive environment for discussions about adoption. This can take many forms for different families. Some adoptive parents will honor their child’s birth mother through conversations about her, while other adoptive families might talk about how special an adopted child is.
Normalizing adoption will look different for every family depending on many factors, including their level of openness with the birth mother, equal treatment for adopted and biological children, and emphasis on other adoption values. If, as an adoptive parent, you are looking for ways to normalize adoption for your child, here are a few tips for how you can do that:
Adoptive parents play a crucial role in “normalizing” adoption for their children. Adoptive parents are the main caretakers for their child and will have the biggest role in helping their child create a positive identity.
Birth mothers are also an important piece of the puzzle in “normalizing” adoption for the child. Remember to honor your birth mother, and if you feel as if she is not respecting boundaries, make sure she is at least aware that they have been put in place. That way, she can always be a part of “normalizing” adoption for your child.
-Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.
After considering how to be more sensitive when interacting with a prospective or current birth mother, the next step is to learning how to interact with her in a helpful way. Every birth mother has her own unique story, and with every story comes ups and downs. Choosing adoption is no easy journey, so be sure that when you are listening to a birth mother, you do so with compassion. Treat her the way you would want to be treated if you could imagine what it’s like in her shoes.
The good news is that there are so many positive things you can say to a birth mother to be helpful! These include encouragement, solutions to problems and offers of additional support.
Now that we have covered how not to interact with a birth mother and prospective birth mother, let’s go over some of the ways we can interact with them in a positive manner. Prospective birth mothers and birth mothers are people, too, and there is so much more to us as women than our adoption decision. For example, I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a birth mother, a step-mom, an employee, a neighbor, a friend and more. All of those roles are only parts of who I am, which all come together to create the woman who is writing this article today. Don’t treat me as if a birth mother is all I am.
If you truly want to be helpful in your interactions with a birth mother, remember to be encouraging, offer solutions to problems, and extend additional support.
Encouragement: Expressing encouragement to a birth mother for her adoption decision is incredibly powerful, especially when you offer it to a prospective birth mother. Choosing adoption, or even considering it, requires a deep level of self-reflection and self-honesty. The sooner onlookers can recognize that, the sooner they will get to a place where they can encourage the birth mother they are interacting with. There are so many ways to encourage a birth mother, including using simple statements.
Some great phrases that you can use when talking with a prospective birth mother about her adoption decision include:
Solutions: Prospective birth mothers and birth mothers are likely facing many obstacles in their lives, especially prospective birth mothers or new birth mothers. It is typical for a woman considering adoption to be facing great challenges in her personal situation. If you have the opportunity to listen to any problem a prospective birth mother is facing, consider offering a solution.
For example, when I was in my adoption process, I had to figure out logistically how to get all of my child’s things to his adoptive parents. (My son was 6 months old at the time I chose adoption.) It was really important to me that he would have all of his toys, bottles and everything else that was his go with him when I transferred physical custody of him to his parents. The problem: I had no one to help me pack all this stuff up or even a vehicle to fit it all in. I ended up calling my dad, crying about how I just didn’t know how to solve this problem I was facing. He offered to help me pack, and we drove my son’s things to his parents in my dad’s SUV. Even though my dad was not supportive of my adoption decision at first, that phone call was a turning point for him. I had a problem, and he offered a solution.
If you can help a prospective birth mother or a birth mother, then do it. Helping others is part of everyone’s path to healing, no matter what you are facing. Yes, words are nice, but actions speak much louder.
Additional Support: If you honestly don’t know how to help a birth mother, or you don’t have the ability to help in the way that she may be asking, then consider offering additional support and resources.
Adoption agencies offer many free resources for support for birth mothers, especially a prospective birth mother. If you know a woman facing an adoption decision, perhaps you could read some articles on what she may be going through and offer your emotional support. Perhaps you know a woman who has already chosen adoption and is a birth mother struggling with her emotions; you could help her find an affordable therapist.
Birth mothers and prospective birth mothers don’t need empty promises or hollow words; they need real support. If you can’t offer what they need, then take some time with them and help them find out what you can help with. The lack of resources for birth mothers post-placement can be discouraging, but the online community has grown significantly to support birth mothers in their healing process. Don’t be afraid to offer resources like websites and retreats, as well. Offer what you can, but please don’t make promises you can’t keep.
Prospective birth mothers and birth mothers are incredible women who have chosen or are choosing a better life for their child through different parents. When interacting with a birth mother, the bottom line is to use common sense. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment and ask yourself, “How would this comment or action make me feel if I was her?” Stay away from judgement, pity and invasive questions. Focus on encouragement and solutions to problems, and always offer additional support.
Remember, birth mothers are amazing women who have sacrificed for the good of their children. Let’s try to treat them with the respect they deserve.
Whether you are interacting with a woman who is considering adoption or a woman who has already chosen adoption, you may be wondering what you could say, or not say, to help her.
First, use the correct terms. Prospective birth mothers are women going through an adoption process, or even women who are seriously considering adoption. Birth mothers are women who have already been through the adoption process for the children they chose adoption for.
Both the prospective birth mother and the birth mother would likely give you the same advice in interacting with them on this topic: Be sensitive and use common sense when engaging in a conversation.
There are few things that affect a birth mother like insensitivity surrounding her adoption decision. No matter who it is interacting with her, when she receives judgement, pity and invasive questions, it’s inappropriate and hurtful. While you may have good intentions with your comments, that doesn’t change the fact that your tone and wording may harm a birth mother. These comments and questions are often lack sensitivity and common sense.
Judgement: As a human being, I recognize that everyone has different values and experiences in every area of life. One person’s best decision could be a negative decision for someone else. All of our decisions and actions have a reaction, and we need to be responsible for ourselves in these areas. We also need to recognize that we have no place to judge another person’s situation, especially if we haven’t walked in their shoes.
Judging a woman for choosing adoption is truly ignorant. If you do look at another person in judgement, I challenge to ask yourself the following question: Why does their decision bother you?
Even if someone’s decision for adoption affects you, it’s not your place to judge them for the choice they are making. I have faced quite a bit of judgement as a prospective birth mother and as a birth mother, and I can tell you that judgement does not help in any capacity and can cause a lot of harm. Please remember that being in a similar situation doesn’t qualify you to know what decisions are best for a specific woman’s situation. Please do not pass judgement in your interactions with a prospective birth mother or a birth mother.
Pity: Looking down at someone with an air of superiority for a decision they are making or have made is pity. I think pity bothers me more than anything else when it comes to my adoption decision. Women who choose adoption are not victims. If anything, they are empowered women who have the opportunity to make a healthy and happy sacrifice for their child. Voluntarily choosing adoption is not something that makes me a victim; it is something that makes me a strong woman.
I always feel like people who talk to me with pity in their voice don’t appreciate the awesome sacrifice I made for my child. Instead, it’s as if they see me as a young girl who was backed into a corner with no other options. We always have choices, whether we feel like we do or not. Choosing adoption is a conscious decision that a prospective birth mother makes for her child.
Becoming a birth mother is not something I need to be pitied for. In fact, it’s something I believe should be celebrated. Please don’t pity birth mothers, for it diminishes the sacrifice they have made for their children to have happy and healthy lives.
Invasive Questions: I think that curiosity is a normal aspect of human beings. We are meant to be curious about the world around us from the moment that we are born. However, just because we are curious about something doesn’t mean it’s our place to be invasive in another person’s business. There is propriety that must be respected in every relationship.
Because I’m an author, my story can be an open book. But, because I’m a woman, my life is personal. As a birth mother, my relationship with my child is my business.
If you are curious about why a woman chose adoption or want to know more about her situation, I highly suggest you assess whether those questions are your business to ask in the first place. Just because I tell you I chose adoption doesn’t mean I’m going to relinquish all the personal details to you. Invasive questions are socially inappropriate, and for a birth mother who isn’t comfortable with such questions, they can be detrimental to her healing process. Please consider, before you ask a birth mother a question about her adoption decision: “Is it my business to ask this question?” Chances are, it’s not.
Just like anyone dealing with hurt and grief, or even joy and revelation, a birth mother will share information with you when she is ready. If she chooses not to broach the subject, or ends the conversation abruptly, respect that. Adoption is a personal decision, and invasive questions are not appropriate.
If you have a birth mother in your life who needs additional support for an adoption decision, then please encourage her to reach out to an adoption professional. If she is already on the path of adoption, then her agency should be able to support her with counseling services and financial resources. If she is a birth mother living post-placement, encourage her to find a support group or church that can help her heal.
Always remember to use common sense when interacting with a birth mother, and you will be just fine.
Children in classrooms today come from much more diverse households and families than ever before. Think about all the children that are part of a blended family through divorce and remarriage, not to mention children brought into a family through non-traditional means like assisted reproductive technology, foster care and adoption.
If you are a teacher, you know how important is to consider these backgrounds when teaching your children. So, what are some ways teachers can support adoptive families and their children in their teaching curriculum and in the classroom?
If you want to learn about how a teacher can support adoptive families, we encourage you to review the “Adoption Basics for Educators” booklet from the Iowa Foster and Adoptive Parents Association. Below, you’ll also find a few important ways teachers of young children can supportive adoptive families.
Many people today don’t really understand how modern adoption works. Instead, they base their knowledge of the adoption process on what they see in pop culture and media — that a woman “gives away” her baby, adoptees never know their birth parents, and all members of the triad are harmed by their experience.
Before teachers even begin to talk about adoption in their classrooms or consider it in their lessons, they will need to understand the realities of modern adoption. When completed with a professional agency or attorney, adoption is a beautiful process. In domestic infant adoptions, a birth mother is always in charge of her adoption decision, and she can have an open adoption with the family and her child during and after the adoption is complete. Even in foster care adoption, biological parents are treated with respect and children are placed with an adoptive family before their parents’ rights are officially terminated.
Seeing adoption in its true, positive light is one of the best ways teachers can supportive adoptive families and adoptees.
Teachers will often explain that the best way to teach their particular students is to know a lot about them — not only their learning strengths and weaknesses, but also who they are as a person. Being an adoptee is an important aspect of a child’s identity, and it can be extremely helpful to be aware of any adoptees in a class to provide a welcoming environment.
However, it’s important to address this topic with care. Rather than asking children if they are adopted, consider sending home a “get to know me” sheet for parents to fill out. On it, parents can help give you the information you need as a teacher — including important aspects of a child’s background like adoption.
Remember, this information should always be kept confidential, unless a child decides to share their adoption story themselves.
As part of educating themselves about adoption, teachers should learn the proper terms for adoption and other related processes. Using positive, warm language about this family-building is crucial to how a teacher can support adoptive families.
Take these terms, for example:
Using appropriate terms is a simple but monumental way to create more positivity about adoption — and support those directly affected by adoption.
Adoption doesn’t automatically get considered in traditional classroom activities. However, assignments like a family tree or genetics lessons are often based heavily on a child’s biological connections. For adoptees who may not have access to their birth family records, these assignments can be near impossible to complete.
When you assign projects to your students, stop and think about how they may affect children with a non-traditional family. Think about ways the assignment can be tailored to them (without excluding them). The best way teachers can support adoptive families? Update their curriculum to avoid uncomfortable assignments and assign only those that are inclusive for every child.
How a teacher can support adoptive families goes beyond just avoiding discomfort and call-outs. Teachers should also consider taking steps to positively and proactively teach about adoption, as well.
For example, during National Adoption Awareness Month or National Foster Care Month, consider teaching a lesson about famous adoptees who have made a difference in the world, or about the realities of the modern adoption process. Even a small lesson can be incredibly useful in changing people’s opinions about how adoption really works — and promote tolerance among your students for those who may be affected by this process.
Just as you would never call out a single child of one race in your classroom, do not use an adopted student as an example. While being an adoptee is an important part of their identity, there is so much more to them. It’s also not their responsibility to share their story and comment on the adoption process, just because it is part of their history.
Young children often focus especially on the differences in their peers, and pointing out what makes one student different (regardless of what it is) can inspire some students to emphasize that difference — because an adult already did.
Along the same note, remember that a child’s adoption story is always theirs to tell — not yours. If you know a child is adopted, great; you can be more inclusive in your teachings. But never press a child for more details on their adoption story, no matter how curious you may be or how the information may affect your teaching.
Keep in mind your responsibility to maintain a welcoming learning environment, as well. Young children can be rude and insensitive, so if you notice a student being pestered or bullied for being adopted, always step in to teach tolerance and understanding to your students. An adoptee has just as much right to learn safely as anyone else.
Want to better identify ways that classroom teachers can support adoptive families and infants, as well as older children? Talk to members of the adoption triad. Join adoption support forums and groups to learn more about this process and what you can do as a teacher to better educate about adoption.
I remember the moment that I knew I was going to follow through with adoption. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that adoption was the right decision for my son. I knew that the six months we were together as mother and son were coming to an end, and a new chapter for us as birth mother and son was about to start.
I did everything I could to try to provide for my son while I had him, but being a parent was incredibly overwhelming for me — and I just didn’t have the energy to keep pushing forward anymore. It was time for me to make a change for both of us, and that change was to give my son a better life with different parents.
While I didn’t have any doubts about my adoption decision, I had plenty of fears that I would come to face during and after the adoption process. If you find you are facing your fears throughout your adoption process, then I applaud you. If you have heartfelt doubts about your decision, then I advise diligently searching your own heart to find your peace in the answer to the question: “Is adoption the right choice for myself and my baby?”
Before I go into the implications of a doubt versus a fear, let’s go ahead and define the two terms. According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, the definition for doubt is:
“Uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making.”
The Merriam-Webster’s definition of fear is:
“An unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.”
The difference between a doubt and a fear may seem small, but the implications between the two are highly relevant when it comes to making a decision like adoption.
A doubt is an uncertainty — regarding something we can’t seem to be 100 percent confident in. A fear is something we experience — an emotion. Doubt is a state of being, while fear is an indication.
Either way, if you are experiencing doubts or fear regarding your adoption decision, it’s time to get out the pen and paper and start looking honestly at them. If you find that you have fears, know that you can overcome them. However, if you find you have doubts, this may be an indicator that your adoption decision needs reviewing.
I am a firm believer that an adoption decision belongs to the woman who is facing the decision — and no one else. I have heard plenty of stories in which birth mothers weren’t sure of their decisions, but perhaps a parent or a birth father pushed them into adoption when they weren’t ready for it. If you have the ability to disengage from others and really ask yourself what you want, then please do it.
From the moment we find out we are with child, a woman’s motherly instincts kick in. We know better than anyone else what is best for ourselves and for our baby. If you find that you cannot face your fears, or if you find doubt too overpowering, then perhaps it’s time to really listen to those motherly instincts. The only person who can answer the question of whether or not adoption is the right decision is the woman facing that dilemma.
This is the hardest question for any woman considering adoption to face. I wish I could answer it just to help ease some pain, but I can’t. No one else can, either. This decision is entirely up to the woman making it, and it is up to her to answer that question honestly for herself.
The best advice I can give is to search diligently within yourself for the answer. List out your doubts. List out your fears. Take an honest look at the situation you are facing and ask yourself then, “Is adoption the right decision for me and my baby?”
Remember, adoption is a selfless act committed out of love. If you have fears moving forward, that is normal. I have had plenty of fears I have faced in my healing journey.
Fears are normal. Doubts can be normal, too. If I could give you one key indicator that you are making the right decision by choosing adoption, I would tell you that in my case, the decision brought with it a sense of peace. It may do the same for you.
The peace that I found from choosing adoption came from the first day I met my son’s adoptive mother. When our eyes met each other, I saw hope for the first time in a while. Even better, after I met my son’s father, I knew without a doubt that I was making the right decision. I still face my fears head-on these days, seven years later, but I have no doubts that I made the best decision for my son by choosing adoption.
I pray that you find the peace you need to make your own adoption decision. Always remember, prospective birth mothers, that the adoption decision belongs to you and no one else. Search yourself honestly for your doubts and fears, and hopefully you will find some peace along the way, indicating the right choice for you and your baby.
It’s that time of year — kids are getting ready to head back to school, which means they’ll be learning all kinds of new things. But, that doesn’t mean the only learning they have to do is at school.
One of the most important things for all parents to teach their kids is about the realities of modern adoption and family-building — even those kids who have no connection to the process in their personal life. An increasing number of children are brought to their families in non-traditional ways (whether through adoption, assisted reproductive technology, remarriage or other paths), and a parent has a greater responsibility than ever to promote tolerance and understanding from their children.
We understand that adoption can be a complicated issue. So, where do you start when educating your children about this process?
Below, find a few basics that every child (and adult) should know about adoption:1
When children are young, they can tend to focus on the differences in people. Therefore, if they see that a classmate or friend’s parent has a different color of skin than their child, it often invites questions.
Why don’t you look like your parents? Are you adopted? Why is she white and you’re brown (or vice versa)?
It’s important that every parent help their child understand race from an early age. Families in the United States are increasingly multiracial, whether because of interracial marriages, remarriages, adoption or other reasons. Diversity and inclusion should be celebrated, not pointed out in a rude way.
Every parent should make sure their child understands that adopted children (and other children) can be a different race than their parent, and it’s inappropriate to persistently ask them about it.
Often, when children find out a peer is adopted, they ask him or her, “Why did your parents give you up? Did they not love you?”
It’s normal for young children to make that assumption, but it’s an incredibly harmful thing for a young adoptee to hear (especially if they’re coping with the same question themselves). Children should know that birth parents choose adoption out of love. Explain to your child that if someone is adopted, it’s because their birth parents couldn’t take care of them the way they wanted to — and instead chose to place the adoptee with another family who could.
Adoptees often hear, “Where are your ‘real’ parents?”
Again, this question comes from a misunderstanding of the adoption process. Because the majority of children are growing up with their biological parents, they automatically assume that “real” means “genetically related.” Therefore, when they discover a peer is not living with their biological parents, they ask about it.
In order to avoid the discomfort this question leads to, explain to your children that it’s love that makes a family, not DNA. An adoptee’s adoptive parents are just as “real” as their biological parents, as they are the ones taking care of that child as they grow up. Also, take the chance to explain how this applies to children who are being raised by relatives and other family members, too.
Children are naturally curious, and they often don’t have the developed understanding of social interactions that adults do. Therefore, they can sometimes ask questions that are rude or insensitive in nature without ever meaning to be.
Parents should teach their child about the fine line of being curious and being insensitive. While you don’t want to discourage your child from learning about others and their world, help them understand that asking personal details about someone’s adoption can embarrass and make an adoptee upset. Make sure they know that unless a child offers up details about their adoption, their adoption story is no one else’s business — and your child should understand when their questions are making someone else uncomfortable.
While it’s important to celebrate diversity and differences — after all, it’s what makes the world an interesting and beautiful place — it’s also important for children to recognize that what separates one person from another shouldn’t always be highlighted. At the end of the day, even if a child’s peer is adopted, they likely have similar interests, family life and future goals as their friend. A child isn’t “just” an adoptee; there are a lot of aspects that make up who they are.
Overall, teach your children to promote tolerance and acceptance of others — whatever situation requires it. Whether they end up knowing someone who is adopted, conceived and born via surrogacy, part of a blended family or something else, a child should understand what is and is not okay to talk about with their friends to create as positive and welcoming an environment as possible.
What is required to give a baby up for adoption?
It’s a common question from expectant mothers considering adoption for their baby. Making the choice to pursue adoption is a big one, and every woman considering this path should learn as much as she can about adoption before starting — including any requirements to put a baby up for adoption.
In general, the requirements for putting a child up for adoption will often depend upon individual state laws. That’s why it’s important that every woman considering adoption speak with an adoption professional or adoption attorney to learn more about the legalities of “giving a baby up” for adoption where she lives. These laws could be integral in shaping your personal adoption journey.
However, there are also a few overarching “requirements” for giving your child up for adoption. Often, these are determined by the adoption professional you work with, who will have created these guidelines in your best interest as a prospective birth mother. Therefore, we encourage you to contact an adoption professional to learn more about what your adoption process may look like.
While these professionals will likely set requirements for prospective parents interested in adopting a child (such as age, health and financial requirements), there are no similar requirements for pregnant women considering adoption. The majority of adoption professionals will never turn away a woman wishing to place her child for adoption, no matter her circumstances. Most professionals will not drug test a prospective birth mother, and they will work with an expectant mother no matter how early or late in her pregnancy she is (or even after she has given birth).
Below, find the general “rules” of giving your child up for adoption that you may consider.
One of the most important “qualifications” to put a child up for adoption is determining that it is indeed the right choice for you. Placing a child for adoption is a difficult, emotional decision, so it’s important that you do extensive research and fully understand all of your unplanned pregnancy options before pursuing adoption.
One of the best ways to learn about adoption is by receiving adoption counseling. Many adoption professionals will provide free, no-obligation counseling to expectant mothers considering adoption. They will answer your questions and address any concerns you may have to help you decide whether adoption is right for you and your baby.
Adoption is a permanent decision; you cannot “get your baby back” after adoption. So, before you can place a child for adoption, you will need to be 100 percent confident in your decision.
Whether you choose to work with an adoption attorney or agency, one of the requirements for giving your child up for adoption is creating a personalized plan for your adoption. As a prospective birth mother, you are in charge of every aspect of your adoption. You will have the right to choose an adoptive family, determine what kind of post-adoption contact you have with them, and more. However involved you want to be in your adoption process, you will still need to talk to your professional to create a plan moving forward.
Only after you have an adoption plan in place will your professional understand how to best proceed according to your adoption goals and preferences.
The rules of giving a child up for adoption will be determined by the legalities of “giving a baby up” for adoption according to your state laws. However, each state’s adoption laws differ, which is why an adoption attorney is so important in your journey.
There are a few state laws that will determine the legal qualifications to put a child up for adoption. These are known as “consent laws,” and they regulate when and how a mother can officially and legally place her child for adoption. A woman cannot officially choose adoption for her baby until after he or she is born, and some states require a waiting period before she signs her adoption consent. There are also laws regarding the adoption financial assistance you may receive and the way that an adoption professional helps you find an adoptive family.
Again, we encourage you to speak with a local adoption attorney for more information on the legal rules for giving a baby up for adoption in your state.
As mentioned, one of the important legalities of giving a baby up for adoption is signing your adoption consent. An expectant mother in the middle of an adoption process always has the right to change her mind up until this final step.
When it comes time to sign your adoption consent (after your baby is born and after any required waiting period has expired), your adoption attorney will explain your rights as a prospective birth mother and what your signing of this document will mean for you and your baby. Remember, before this point, you will have already chosen an adoptive family and determined what kind of open adoption communication you will have with them moving forward.
You will never be forced to sign your adoption consent until you are 100 percent confident in your decision, but this is the final (and, legally, most important) requirement for giving your child up for adoption. Once this is signed, your adoption is complete — and your post-adoption contact with the adoptive parents will begin.
—
Remember, if you ever have any questions about your specific “giving child up for adoption” requirements, contact an adoption professional to learn more. Every woman’s adoption journey is slightly different, and yours will be, too, according to your adoption goals and desires.
Will I regret my adoption decision?
I remember asking myself this question before I committed to my adoption decision. I think it would be odd if a birth mother hadn’t wondered this at least once during her adoption process.
While there is no way for me to say if you will personally regret your adoption decision, there are ways you can prepare yourself for few or no regrets before following through with an adoption process. However, if you later find yourself facing feelings of regret, please seek out someone to discuss those feelings with.
When making an adoption decision, it’s important to try to be as honest with yourself as possible to avoid later feelings of regret. However, there are also a few other tips for feeling confident in your adoption decision, before and after the process is complete.
If you are a woman considering adoption, but you feel like you are being rushed to choose, then please consider this: Adoption is too important of a decision to be made on an impulse. Think through your adoption decision as best as you can. Don’t let anyone pressure you into committing to something you are not ready for; be realistic about what you are ready for. If adoption is truly your own decision, then be comfortable letting your feelings come and go as they please.
Just because we may feel regret later, though, is no reason to postpone or reverse an adoption decision. There are many emotions that birth mothers process, and sometimes regret can be one of them. Whatever you do, remember that this is your process — for not only the adoption but your healing journey, as well.
I know it sounds just too simplistic to be wise advice, but I can promise you that making a pros and cons list for an adoption decision is a good idea. There is something powerful and solidifying about seeing our thoughts on paper in black and white. It’s almost as if it makes it easier for us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions. For all birth mothers who weigh out an adoption decision heavily, this list could help with not only decision-making but also working on a healing process. We can keep this list after placement to remember why adoption was so important to us for our babies in the first place.
This is the most important piece of the puzzle in avoiding regret: Know why you are making an adoption decision in the first place. If you can’t identify a solid “why,” then I suggest you think further regarding your adoption decision. I know my “why,” and it has kept me from feeling emotions of regret. I still miss my son at times and struggle with loneliness, but I do not regret my adoption decision. Once you can identify your “why,” hold on to it. It will always remind you of the bravery you faced by choosing adoption — a selfless sacrifice. If feelings of regret come up, you can try combatting them with your “why.”
While I have never truly regretted my adoption decision, I know women who do. My best advice is this: If you are experiencing feelings of regret, please seek out counsel you can trust. No one should have to deal with the difficulty of choosing adoption completely on their own. If you have already made your adoption decision and are feeling regret, please reach out to a therapist, a pastor, or someone else you believe to be trustworthy and wise. Remember that, no matter what happens, the choice is yours and no one else’s. Press on in strength and boldness, cherishing every breath of life, knowing that you made a selfless sacrifice out of love.
~Lindsay Arielle
