When you finally see your baby for the first time as adoptive parents, you’re likely to be overwhelmed with happiness. It will be immensely exciting, and you probably won’t feel like you can wait to take your baby home for the first time and start your new life together. However, at the same time that you’ll be feeling all of these exciting emotions, your baby’s birth mother may be feeling sadness, grief and loneliness. You will probably want be there for her and provide any support that you can during this difficult time. Many adoptive parents choose to give their baby’s birth mother a gift before they leave the hospital. This is a great opportunity to show your appreciation and gratitude to your baby’s birth mom. In many cases, the gift that adoptive parents choose is a way for a birth mother to keep her baby emotionally close and a special memento for remembering him or her. What you choose to give your baby’s birth mom will be ultimately up to you and the relationship you have with her. In many cases, you may wish to choose a subtle gift — one that represents her choice for adoption in a way that won’t prompt people to ask questions about it that she doesn’t want to answer. Before you decide on a gift for your baby’s birth mom, however, make sure you discuss your choice with your adoption professional to avoid any legal complications that could arise. Here are some good ideas to get started:
Simple jewelry is always a good idea for birth mothers, because it’s a piece that she can wear all the time and keep her child close to her heart. You might want to buy a piece with the baby’s birthstone or engrave the baby’s birth date or name in a special place.
You might choose to get a stuffed animal for your baby’s birth mom that matches one her baby will have growing up with you. Perhaps choose an animal that’s meaningful to her — maybe her favorite animal growing up or something like an elephant, representing you’ll never forget her adoption decision.
If you’re crafty, you may want to make your baby’s birth mom something that she can hold when she leaves the hospital and cuddle up with when she’s having bad days. A blanket or quilt with meaningful embroidery can be a beautiful gift.
For less sentimental birth mothers, you may choose to get something a little more practical — for example, spa supplies or things that will help make her comfortable as she adjusts to life after giving birth. Birth Mother Baskets is an organization that specializes in this.
When your baby is still in the hospital, you’ll likely be taking lots of pictures to document this start of your parenthood journey. So, why not make duplicates of the photos and send them home with your baby’s birth mother when she’s discharged? You can buy a beautiful bound photo album and leave empty pages for her to put the photos she’ll receive from you in the upcoming years — which will also represent your promise to her. You may even want to include your original adoptive family profile in the first couple of pages. If you can create a relationship with your baby’s birth mother leading up to the hospital stay, you’ll have a great opportunity to learn more about what she likes and what kind of gifts may mean the most to her. Don’t feel like you’re limited to your baby’s birth mother, either; if other members of your baby’s birth family have been integral in her adoption process, you can find something special for them as well. Just remember to speak with your adoption specialist before giving any gifts to make sure you’re not violating any laws for living expenses. Choosing to give your baby’s birth mother a gift upon placement is a wonderful way to show your appreciation. Your little act will go a long way toward helping her recover from some of the emotional difficulties of her decision and will let her cherish her baby in a special way for the rest of her life.
Whether you’re a birth mother, an adoptive parent or an adoptee, you’re part of a special process that creates thousands of families each year. Unfortunately, not a lot of people know about the truth of modern adoptions and the joys they bring to so many people. By being a part of the adoption triad, you are on the front lines of the adoption conversation. Because of your unique situation in the adoption process, you have the ability to educate and spread awareness about the realities of adoption and create a community for birth moms, adoptive parents, adoptees and people considering adoption. But, how exactly do you do that? We’ve compiled a list of some of the ways you can share your adoption experience and spread awareness below:
The best awareness of adoption comes from word-of-mouth conversation between people. If you’re comfortable doing so, share your adoption story with whomever asks and whenever it’s appropriate. Adoption is something to be celebrated, and the best way you can communicate your pride is by expressing your excitement through your own words.
Whether you’ve adopted domestically, internationally or through foster care, you can get involved in organizations that benefit any of these kinds of adoptions. For example, you might volunteer with local charities and foster care organizations to donate your time and effort toward making the lives of children awaiting adoption better. Foster care providers are always looking for donations of clothes, toiletries and more to make foster children feel more at home in their new environments, and there may be fundraisers that you can attend with your friends and family to raise money for these organizations.
Social media accounts are the most popular way to share adoption stories and adoption information these days. If you follow social media accounts for adoption organizations, you have easily “shareable” information right at your fingertips. When you post your own adoption stories, use appropriate hashtags like #Adoption, #AdoptionRocks and #AdoptionisLove so other families, birth moms and adoptees can see your posts as well. You can also keep an eye out for specific hashtags at certain times of the year, like during Infertility Awareness Week or Foster Care Awareness Month.
Adoption, including the legal requirements to adopt and the resources allocated to the state foster care system, is largely regulated by state legislatures. As a citizen, you can make your voice heard by supporting adoption-positive legislation and communicating to your local representatives regarding the legal support they should show for adoption-related issues. Something as simple as a declaration of awareness during an adoption awareness month can be helpful in educating the public about the realities of the adoption process.
One of the most direct (and easiest) things you can do to spread awareness in your community isn’t by doing anything special — just by being a great person who happens to be an adoptive parent, birth parent or adoptee. When you make adoption an open and honest conversation among your family and friends, you help them see that adoption is a normal and beautiful way to create a family — nothing to be ashamed of at all. These are just a few of the ways that you can help spread awareness and educate your community about adoption, but there are plenty more. Spreading this awareness is not only important, but it can be fun for all involved, which is why it’s encouraged that anyone involved in the adoption triad do all that they’re comfortable with to share their adoption story and make adoption a household discussion.
Meredith Beer always knew that she was adopted — and she has always been proud of her story. When she introduced herself to her first grade class, she had to give a fun fact about herself. So, confidently (as 6 year-olds do), she stood up and said, “My name is Meredith Beer, and I’m adopted.” As one of two adopted children in her parents’ household, adoption was always an open conversation. She remembers reading children’s books with adoption storylines and always having confidence in her adoption story. She was only 8 years old when she decided to find her birth parents — and promptly let her dad know. “He went, ‘Well, let’s wait until you’re 16, because you’re a little young.’ I definitely didn’t forget that promise, so when I turned 16, I asked him again,” Beer remembers. The search and reunion that would follow was a journey that would bring her more family and love than she ever thought. Now, at age 25, Beer looks back on her personal adoption story and what she hopes others can learn from her own experience.
Growing up, Beer was always proud of her adoption story. But, like many adopted children, she always had “what-ifs.” Her adoption was closed, and all she knew about her birth mother could fit in three sentences: Her first name was Vania; she had given birth in Reynoldsburg, Ohio; and she graduated high school at age 16 in 1992 — the same year Beer was born.
But Beer wanted more. She wanted to know how she came to be adopted but, more importantly, she had a desire to make sure her birth parents knew she was happy and healthy — that adoption had absolutely been the best choice, and she was forever grateful for their selfless decision. Armed with the three facts about her birth mother, Beer and her dad set out to Reynoldsburg in 2008 to find the rest. After a disappointing lack of leads, Beer felt like giving up and waiting until she turned 18 to open her adoption records. But her dad had another idea. “He actually signed up for Classmates.com as an alumni of 1992 in Reynoldsburg, Ohio, and he paid $20 to get the full list of alumni,” Beer says. “It just so happens that Vania — which is the craziest coincidence that has ever happened to me — had signed up for Classmates.com a couple of months prior. He found her maiden name, Googled that, found her married name and found her Facebook. He called me on the way home from soccer practice and asked, ‘Are you going over to your friend’s house? Because I think you should come home, because I think I just found your birth mom on Facebook.’ “I don’t think I’ve ever driven so fast in my life,” Beer says. Looking at her birth mother’s Facebook photo, for the first time in her life, Beer was seeing someone who looked like her. She sent a message to Vania explaining the situation, making sure to emphasize her happiness and gratitude for her birth mother’s choice, and waited for a response. It came back three days later. “Her response was more than I ever could have imagined,” she remembers. It read, “Wow, what a surprise. I wondered if and when this day would ever happen. I am your birth mother. I’m sure you have a lot of questions, so I’m just going to leave it to you to ask.”
From there, Beer and her birth mother began messaging back and forth (Vania would end up asking for Beer’s mother’s phone number to make sure her parents were 100 percent comfortable with the contact). Beer found out she had three younger half siblings and was finally able to get answers to those questions which had been pressing on her for so long: Who was her birth father? What was her adoption story? Less than five months after she first messaged Vania, Beer and her parents flew out to meet her. “Being in front of her for the first time was probably the craziest thing that has ever happened — I couldn’t even talk,” Beer remembers. “I was just staring at her during lunch, which was probably super awkward, but I had never seen anyone who looked like me before. Even just watching her was weird to see; we have the same mannerisms…That in and of itself blew my mind.”
She learned from Vania that the adoption had not been a mutual agreement — her birth father, Tommy, had proposed to Vania with the intent of raising the child together — and the two had not been in contact for many years. Beer wouldn’t receive her birth father’s contact information for a couple more weeks, after Vania had become more comfortable with the idea. After Beer contacted her birth father, he traveled to her hometown to meet her. Despite their difficult history, Vania and Tommy eventually saw each other again at Beer’s high school graduation — a monumental moment in Beer’s life. “It was the first time I had ever had a picture with two people who looked like me,” she says.
Today, Beer has a close relationship with Vania, who she describes as like a “super-close aunt.” They talk almost every other day, and Beer is thankful for the support her birth mother gives her. Despite the closed nature of her adoption, Beer thinks it worked out for the best, especially now that she’s in contact with her birth parents at an older age. The support of her parents throughout her entire life — from their positive explanations of her adoption to their assistance finding her birth parents — also plays an instrumental role. Recently, she’s begun reaching out to other prospective birth and adoptive parents to share her story and help them feel more comfortable deciding on adoption — as a way to help them experience the same kind of positive adoption process she had.
“My biggest goal is to just shed a better light on adoption and that adoption is a great thing,” she says. “While adoption can be scary, and it can go wrong, so can a lot of other things in life. It is like anything else in your life that can go wrong. To be scared of it and back out just because you’re scared of what could happen is silly because you have this chance.” For birth mothers, Beer says, that chance is to give a child a better life and hopeful parents a chance at a child they could never have. For adoptive parents, it’s raising a child with all the best opportunities in life. Whatever challenges come along the way, like her own emotional journey to finding her birth parents, will be all worth it in the end, she says. “As long as you raise the child to be confident in their story, I don’t really see anything going wrong in that.”
If you’re a prospective adoptive parent, you’ve probably come across something called “reactive attachment disorder” as you’ve been researching adoption. Because it’s uncommon, and not many families seek help for the disorder, it may seem scary to you — and make you worry even more about the challenges of adoption. While RAD is rare, it’s important to understand the realities of the disorder to not only prevent it but know what to do if your adopted child starts to exhibit symptoms. To help all prospective adoptive parents, we’ve answered some of the most common questions about the disorder.
Reactive attachment disorder is a condition that develops in children when they are unable to form a healthy emotional attachment with their primary caregivers before the age of 5, according to PsychCentral. It’s rare, occurring in only 10 percent of cases involving severely neglected children. RAD can occur for many reasons, and each case is different. Commonly, a child develops this disorder because of a primary caregiver’s continual disregard for their needs (whether emotional or physical) and inconsistency in primary caregivers, such as is experienced in the foster care system.
When a child develops RAD, they start becoming detached and withdrawn from their primary caregivers. They may hold back emotions and be resistant to comforting, becoming unresponsive to the attention that they’re given. Usually, if a child is exhibiting attachment problems, parents can tell that something is wrong. If a parent thinks that their child is exhibiting any of these symptoms in excess of the normal adjustment for an adopted child, they should contact a physician or a child and adolescent psychologist, who can more thoroughly test if the child has RAD.
There is no medication to treat RAD, as treating the condition focuses mainly on the emotional and physical wellbeing of the child and their relationship to their primary caregiver. If a child is diagnosed with RAD, the most important thing to determine is whether they are in a safe and stable environment. If they are, the focus moves to the primary caregiver — providing them appropriate advice and parenting skills to develop a healthy, trusting relationship with their child. With time and patience, most children can learn to trust others and live a happy and healthy life.
Children who are adopted are often associated with RAD because of their seemingly heightened potential for developing the condition. While there is no research supporting a connection between adoption and RAD, children who are adopted may be more at risk because of their early childhood experiences. For example, children who are adopted from the foster care system may have only known a life where they were persistently moved from foster home to foster home — and, subsequently, were unable to develop a strong relationship with a primary caregiver. Unable to have positive examples of relationships, they may have difficulty trusting an adult once they are finally adopted. Likewise, internationally adopted children who lived in orphanages may not have received the one-on-one emotional care they needed to develop a secure trust in caregivers. RAD can also affect children who were adopted as infants.
First, it’s important to recognize that an adjustment period is normal when you welcome an adopted child into your home, no matter their age. It will take time to adjust to your and your child’s new life together, and that may come with challenges bonding at first. However, most adoptive parents and their children create a loving, trusting relationship within the first few weeks and months of placement. If more time passes and attachment problems continue, it may be beneficial to seek professional help. For example, if a baby continues to refuse to make eye contact or interact with their parents or doesn’t seem to like being cuddled or held, they may be exhibiting the first signs of an attachment disorder. It’s important to address these issues sooner rather than later, as leaving these symptoms unchecked can lead to more severe problems as a child grows up. A child with attachment difficulties does not mean that you’re a bad parent. With the proper care and lots of patience, a child can learn to trust and love their parents. It’s rare that attachment difficulties develop into full-blown RAD, but it’s important to recognize the warning signs so you can ensure a healthy relationship with your adopted child from as early on in their life as possible. To learn more about RAD, contact an experienced child and adolescent psychologist or psychiatrist.
Open adoption contact is an exciting and fun way to keep adoptive families and birth parents up to date on each other’s lives. But, sometimes, the logistics of this communication can be complicated, especially in semi-open adoptions where identifying information isn’t shared between parties of the adoption. While some agencies mediate contact by managing the sending and receiving of letters and pictures, not all do — leaving some adoptive families and birth parents to wonder how they can easily and confidentially share pictures and updates in an easy way. For that, there’s the app 23snaps. Unlike traditional social media platforms, 23snaps provides a way to share photos with a select group of family members and friends — and the pictures involved are never made public. The app allows you to make digital journals with photos, videos and short captions, even creating a timeline as you add more and more media. It’s accessible via phone, computer, tablet, and users can even receive updates by email instead of visiting the site. The photos shared on the app can also be printed off into photo books or print orders. And, best of all, it’s completely free. For birth parents and adoptive parents, 23snaps is a great way to share photos and videos in a confidential, private manner. Members of the adoption triad can easily view and add photos at their convenience straight from their phone, rather than having to print out photos and send them via snail mail. And they’ll know that everything they share is completely private, always owned entirely by them. To learn more about how 23snaps may work for your open adoption, check out the website or download the app to your mobile device. As always, talk with your adoption professional about your open adoption options and the services they provide to you. They may have additional suggestions for keeping in touch with the adoptive parents or birth parents and ideas for how you can best utilize technology like 23snaps to create positive, healthy open adoption communication.
Whether you’re a pregnant woman still considering adoption or you’ve already placed your baby with a loving family, you’re probably dealing with some difficult emotions. While it’s helpful to have a support system of family and friends to turn to during these times, you may wish to share your feelings with people who have been through the same situation you’re in. Thankfully, there are plenty ways that you can connect to other prospective birth parents and mothers who have placed their children for adoption, either in-person or online. Here are the different ways you can go about doing so:
Many adoption professionals are not just there for you during the adoption process but can also be a resource for you after your adoption is complete. If you ask them, they may be able to connect you with other birth mothers who have worked through their organization and are willing to share their story. You may find a pen pal who you can share your experiences with or even someone who lives close that is willing to create a support relationship with you.
While your adoption professional may be able to point you to local support groups, another way to find birth parent support groups is through MeetUp, an online resource that lets you find and create support groups. If there’s not a support group near you, you can create one and other birth parents in your area can join.
One of the easiest ways to connect with other birth parents is through online forums and organizations. This is perhaps the most common way to find peer support, as it provides a sense of confidentiality and lets you connect with birth mothers from all over. However, it’s important to know that online groups can have their drawbacks, as well. Because so many people can share their stories, you may see inaccurate information or stories that don’t truly represent how the adoption process works. It’s important to take these posts with a grain of salt and always reach out to a certified adoption professional if you have questions. Here are some of the online resources available to you:
Adoption is a difficult process for all involved, especially birth parents, so it’s important that you find the support you need to successfully cope with the emotions you may have. Connecting with people who have been through the same process can be instrumental in helping you decide what’s right for you and your baby or coming to terms with placing your child for adoption. To learn more about the adoption process and get in contact with other expectant or birth mothers like you, please contact an adoption professional or check out once of the resources above.
When you become adoptive parents, it sometimes seems like your adoption process is up for discussion with everyone — family, friends and even strangers. Whether or not you’re comfortable discussing your adoption story, you’ll may get some awkward and insensitive questions from those who are unfamiliar with adoption. So, how do you answer them? While you never have to discuss your family adoption if you’re not comfortable doing so, answering some of these questions with polite and informative answers can go a long way to further educating the public about the realities of the adoption process. Here are some ways you can address some of the questions you receive:
When people ask you this, kindly explain that all of your children are yours, and by using the word “real,” they’re implying that adoption is not a normal way to create a family. While you can inform them the words “adopted” and “biological” are more accurate, you may make it clear that they don’t need to worry about using these labels — because all of your children are “real” and part of your family, no matter whether they share your DNA or not.
This is a common question for families who adopt transracially. Unfortunately, when a non-white child is adopted by white parents, many people automatically assume they were adopted from another country, despite the fact that the United States has a variety of diverse races and ethnicities within its borders. How specific you want to get in response to this question is up to you. You can simply respond “From the U.S.” or even get specific about what state or city your child was adopted from. While people’s assumptions can be frustrating, it may be best to answer politely and succinctly and then change the subject.
While it can be tempting to respond to parents who have biological children with, “Why didn’t you?” you can instead take this opportunity to educate them about the differences in the adoption processes. Explain to them that, ultimately, you chose the adoption process that was best for your family. No particular process of adoption is superior to another, and whatever way a family is created is perfect.
These kinds of questions are typical from people who don’t understand how the adoption process works and how most adoptions today are open. It can be hurtful to hear this incorrect language, so make sure you explain the difference between an “adoptive” and “biological” mother. If you’re comfortable doing so, explain how the open adoption process works. Your child will grow up knowing they are adopted and potentially having some sort of contact with their birth mother. Explain that if they desire to meet her one day, you’ll support them 100 percent, and you know that this part of their history is important to their identity. While there may be challenges along the way, explain that by being open about your child’s history, they’ll have a healthy relationship with this part of their identity.
People who don’t know much about adoption tend to use this kind of outdated language, so it’s a great opportunity for you to introduce adoption-positive language, like “place” or “put up” for adoption. As far as answering this question, it’s a very sensitive topic and, to respect your child’s birth mother’s privacy, you can give a vague answer like, “She wasn’t prepared to be the parent she wanted for her baby.” If people press for more details, remind them that you want to respect her privacy and can’t answer in more detail. Remember, if someone ever asks you a tactless question that you don’t want to answer, you can always respond with “Why do you want to know?” or “I’ll have to think about that one,” or deflect the question with humor. If you use these subtle deflections, people will usually get the hint and drop the subject. If they don’t, simply tell them you’re uncomfortable talking about something that’s so personal to your family. If your child is present when people ask these questions, it’s important to respond positively. Avoiding talking about their adoption in front of them may lead them to think you’re embarrassed or ashamed, so communicate your happiness and confidence, even if it’s something you’d rather not discuss. A great way to prepare for these unwanted questions is by communicating with your adoption professional or other adoptive parents. They can provide you advice on how to answer insensitive questions in a positive way and educating others about adoption in a healthy way. Remember, there are many people in the world who don’t know much about adoption. While their questions may seem rude or insensitive to you, they likely don’t understand why what they’re asking is wrong. By educating them about adoption, you can help spread awareness about this beautiful way of building a family.
Getting ready for parenthood involves planning, preparation and learning. Planning ahead can make the transition to becoming a parent easier. While that is true, people also say that nothing can prepare you for the job of parenting. Parenthood is the epitome of on-the-job training. So what is a new parent to do? You can prepare by reading the countless books and websites offering sound advice on what to do before and after your child arrives. You can also resolve to do the best you can with the advance knowledge you’ve gained. But what if you are adopting? Adoptive parents may prepare for parenthood differently than biological parents, even though they are likely going to experience similar situations once their child is home. The basic needs for a safe and loving home are the same for every child. Here are some things you can do to ready yourself for your new family member.
Telling family and friends about your exciting news will hopefully spur you into action. Think about how you’d feel about registering for necessary items and/or having someone host a shower for you. People will want to celebrate your upcoming role as parent, and friends and family members may be eager to host an adoption shower to help you prepare.
Most hospitals and community centers offer newborn and infant care classes. No matter your expertise level, a refresher course is always helpful. There may be classes specifically geared toward adoptive families, whether it be an actual care class or one addressing child development, attachment and bonding. Your adoption agency may have a list of such classes.
While it is beneficial to add general parenting books and a medical manual to your home library, take time to search for books about adoptive parenting. Some recommendations are Raising Adopted Children by Lois Ruskai Melina and Keys to Parenting an Adopted Child by Kathy Lancaster.
This is the time to discuss parenting styles and discipline with your spouse or partner. This is also the time to talk to family and friends about adoption, and answer questions they may have about the process. Also let them know what you plan to discuss with your child about their adoption as they get older. Make sure everyone is on the same page.
Becoming a parent is one of the most stressful events a person can experience. Give yourself time to adjust to your new job. Make time for your spouse or partner, as well as yourself. Relax. Do what makes you happy now, because your child will make you happier than you ever thought you could be.
As Congress considers tax reform legislation, the Adoption Tax Credit Executive Committee is reaching out to the adoption community for help saving the Adoption Tax Credit. The federal adoption tax credit helps make adoption more affordable for hopeful families, removing financial barriers that would prevent children from being placed in safe, loving, permanent homes. But now, Congress is considering eliminating the adoption tax credit, which could potentially hurt millions of American families. Adoptive families can join the effort to keep pressure on Congress to save the credit that makes it possible for all families to adopt. Now is the time for you to tell your story and let your legislators know what the Adoption Tax Credit has meant for you and your family. Your voice matters — legislators will only #SaveTheATC if they understand the real-world impact and feel that their constituents support it. Here’s how you can take action now:
Here are 8 easy steps to share your story directly with your Members of Congress via video message:
Once you’ve recorded your story, make sure to share it on social media, and ask others who have been touched by adoption to do the same. Here are some sample tweets and posts that you can share with your friends, followers and Members of Congress directly: Sample Tweets
Sample Facebook Post
You can find your U.S. Senators and Representatives here. Save the Adoption Tax Credit also provides tips for calling your Members of Congress, as well as a sample script you can use when contacting your Senators and Representatives to tell your story. For more information about the Adoption Tax Credit and legislative proposals important to adoptive families, visit adoptiontaxcredit.org.
Adoption can be a lonely road. Even though adoption is becoming more commonplace in our society, many adoptive couples don’t have people around them who understand what they’re going through. Even if they are surrounded by loving family and friends, there are feelings that come with adoption that only other adoptive families can understand. For this reason, adoptive families may find it helpful to join an adoption support group. There can be pros and cons of joining an adoption support group. There are many good groups out there, designed to genuinely help members navigate the process and their feelings on adoption. However, some groups may be formed for the wrong reasons or may spread false or negative information on adoption. Here are some ways to find the right adoption group for you.
No matter where you are in the adoption process, support groups can be wonderful resources. We can all learn from others’ experiences. Take your time and find the right group for your family.
